[confusedman2012]

Hi folks, firstly thank you to anyone in advance who reads this or takes the time to respond, I really appreciate it. Here is my problem;

I am a 26 year old man, who was in a relationship for 9 years with a childhood sweetheart. Unfortunately, I came home one day to find that she had been sleeping with my best friend behind my back, in my house and we broke up. To my knowledge, they are both still together. It nearly killed me! But in the past year and a half, I have picked myself up, dusted myself down and finally realised that I do not want nor need two people like that in my life and vowed to get happy again!

I have had a new girlfriend now for nearly 5 months and she is a sister of a close friend. She was with a guy for 6 years of her life from she was around 18 years old and 2 years ago, he broke it off with her and she was devastated. Not long after, they got back together for a while but she admitted that it was never the same as before and after constant fighting, showing each other no affection etc (I think he was quite abusive mentally, and a "little" physical but I cannot be sure" she broke up with him for good!

She dated a few guys for very short periods of time, nothing serious but there was one guy she was with for nearly 2 months and she broke it off with him out of nowhere and just simply ignored the guy because he was in love with her. Now to be fair to this guy, she admitted telling me she told him she loved him back but that she never meant it, she only said it because she "felt she had to" which in my opinion, is completely wrong and unfair!

This is where I come in... We met and we hit it off right away! I always knew off her and met her once or twice in my life, but we were never ever close or really on talking terms. But we always knew off each other. At the start, we were mad for each other and she was really really head over heels for me, as was I for her. We did everything together, went on dates, went to each others houses, socialised etc. A few months in I started to fall in love with her and she told me exactly the same! She would say things to me like "After my break up with my ex, I never thought I would love someone like that again, but I do!" etc which was absolutely fantastic to hear! She would openly talk to me about things like marriage, having a baby and always asked me to respect her which I have done 100000%! I assured her that my goals in life are the same as hers and that I would love to settle down and start my own family and get married in the coming years. Her idea of a relationship is the same as mine, she wants to be best friends as well as lovers and we have spoken about this at length!

Here's the problem... in the past month or two, she has started to really go into mood swings and sometimes gets really down! From the start, I could tell her self esteem isn't great and I always get the feeling that she is hiding a lot of anger within her and lets it get on top of her at times, to the point where she can be lovely one minute and extremely cold and cheeky the next, which is absolutely hate with a passion. I have been open and honest with her from the start and told her that I no longer love my ex and that she is the one I love and want to be with, she assured me the same but recently a few things have really started to make me think otherwise and I do not know if I am being paranoid, over reacting or actually am right and this is where I need you guys' opinions please!

We never had sex for the first 3 months as she said she wanted it to be special and we booked a holiday together. Leading up to the holiday, she admitted she felt scared and freaked out, texting me one day saying she thinks we rushed into things and that maybe we should just leave things altogether. I felt a little heartbroken if I am honest, especially after telling me she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me. However, she realised she was freaking out and we sorted it out, went on holiday and had sex etc. But she still goes in and out of moods on a daily basis and every day I do not know which girl I am going to get, and that is the truth. She talks about her ex every now and again in conversation and it is really starting to make me feel as though she still loves him. I have asked her a few times and she says things like "I swear I am not in love with him anymore, but I am not going to lie, he was a big part of my life for 6 years and I miss little things that remind me of how things used to be but I really don't love him anymore... " I explained that this is natural and that I don't blame her for this but that it was starting to cause me distress. Like I said, she would bring him up out of nowhere and always call him by his full name when she was referring to him and it is starting to get me really down, to the point where I am seriously thinking of breaking up with her, because as I have explained to her, I refuse to play second fiddle to anyone! Nothing against the guy or their relationship that once was, but I just cannot go through another heartbreak a year or two down the line if she decides to pull the plug and wants to go back to her old life, I would not get back up this time! And the reason I have came on today to write this and ask for help is because last night I was at her house after work, just calling to see her and have tea etc and out of nowhere, she began telling me how she was driving back to work on her lunch and her ex was driving behind her for a little while and when it came for her to go another route from him, she looked in the main mirror and waived at him but he never waived back! I asked her why she even waived at him and she said she wanted to be civil and mature about things but she seemed annoyed that he never waived back at her. Two questions here; why is she telling me things like this, knowing fine rightly that I get annoyed and feel second best when she talks about him like this? And why is she even waiving at him anyway in the first place? He was the one who can't be civil about things, he was the one texting her horrible personal things when he found out she was with me now etc! I asked her was she annoyed that he didn't waive back and she openly admitted "yeah I am a little, I just want to be civil... " If I am honest, in my heart of hearts, she is just not over him but realises she can never get back with him because it'll only end in heartbreak again and besides, her family thinks he is a lazy, worthless bum! She is refusing to let herself be happy with someone else and will never fully give herself to me 100% and that is something that I can never accept, especially as I am willing to give her my all and always look after her and lover her the way she has asked me!

The million dollar question folks... am I loving a lie here with this girl and should I break it off with her completely because I am going to end up getting on again? Folks, any feedback at all would be greatly appreciated, my head is fried with all this and it is really getting me down! Thank you so much!

[maddy6]

First I want to tell you that you sound like a really great guy who expresses himself very well and a girl is lucky to have you. Second, I think she is not over the first boyfriend. I think she knows it is over on his part and she has tried to move forward with you, but her heart says otherwise. If I am fully in love and committed to a relationship, I would not be talking about, or thinking about my ex. I would have moved on. About her waving, I am not sure. That is more of a spur of the moment. If someone has moved on and considers the person has treated them badly and no longer wants to have anything to do with them, they certainly would not wave. She may have felt awkward by not acknowledging him, but then it was certainly not a situation where she had happened upon him face to face.
She could have some type of personality disorder, or be bipolar if the mood swings are very extreme. Anyway, you sound like a great guy. I think you deserve better. I think you were trying to move forward and happened into this relationship, and I think you need to heal more and learn how to live as a single person by yourself, being at rest and peace within yourself. I think she has too many issues at the current time and is not fully committed to the relationship with you. Like you said, you cannot go through this again. My opinion is that you should move on. Someone who loves you and values you and is totally committed, head ver heels in love with you is out there. Have faith and don't settle for 2nd best. Wait for the girl of your dreams. You will find her and she will love you. But it isn't this girl. Oh, and one more thing, she "talks" about this stuff to you because it is in her heart. She is "thinking" about it, and she is not giving you the value and respect you deserve by even keeping her mouth shut! Move on and don't be used.

[confusedman2012]

First I want to tell you that you sound like a really great guy who expresses himself very well and a girl is lucky to have you. Second, I think she is not over the first boyfriend. I think she knows it is over on his part and she has tried to move forward with you, but her heart says otherwise. If I am fully in love and committed to a relationship, I would not be talking about, or thinking about my ex. I would have moved on. About her waving, I am not sure. That is more of a spur of the moment. If someone has moved on and considers the person has treated them badly and no longer wants to have anything to do with them, they certainly would not wave. She may have felt awkward by not acknowledging him, but then it was certainly not a situation where she had happened upon him face to face.
She could have some type of personality disorder, or be bipolar if the mood swings are very extreme. Anyway, you sound like a great guy. I think you deserve better. I think you were trying to move forward and happened into this relationship, and I think you need to heal more and learn how to live as a single person by yourself, being at rest and peace within yourself. I think she has too many issues at the current time and is not fully committed to the relationship with you. Like you said, you cannot go through this again. My opinion is that you should move on. Someone who loves you and values you and is totally committed, head ver heels in love with you is out there. Have faith and don't settle for 2nd best. Wait for the girl of your dreams. You will find her and she will love you. But it isn't this girl. Oh, and one more thing, she "talks" about this stuff to you because it is in her heart. She is "thinking" about it, and she is not giving you the value and respect you deserve by even keeping her mouth shut! Move on and don't be used.

Maddy, thank you so much for taking the time to read my issue and give your opinion, I really appreciate it. Do you think that when this girl tells me she loves me she means it and in being with me for longer, will forget about him altogether? I really do not want to give her up I really don't because I am in love with her and would miss her deeply, but like u said, I just can't be second best to anyone and I just want to be happy, faithful and start my own family with someone who loves me as much as I love them. It really is that simple with me, life is hard enough without making it any more difficult than it should be :-( And her mood swings are not severe, she just gets really wound up and cheeky sometimes and says that is the way she goes sometimes but it is obvious that she is holding on to some anger within her somewhere that she simply cannot let go. Your honesty hurts but I think you are completely right, I may have to just let her go to be truly happy one day. Thank You so much!

[maddy6]

You were only 17 when you began a long term relationship that did not work out. You were only just recovering from the pain of that when you went into this relationship. I would be concerned that you have not had time to be by yourself and settled into who you are and what you want. You appear to realize that you are worth having someone love you the way you should be, but you had a double whammy the first time being betrayed by your girlfriend and your best friend. I don't want to hurt you with my honesty, but it is better to be hurt now than to get further into the situation and be hurt worse. If you don't want to give her up right now, I would "proceed with caution." If her mood swings are not severe and you feel you could live with them, then okay. BUT, I still don't like the sound of what you are telling me about her chit chat about her ex. It just concerns me. You do not want to get hurt again as you already went through a lot. Also, you perhaps are very giving in a relationship and you could be putting up with more than you should for the sake of the relationship? Did you seek any counseling out after your ex girlfriend and best friend betrayed you? Were you completely unsuspecting of them? If you were, then I would be concerned that you are possibly overlooking warning signs in a relationship and not looking after yourself as you should. It also concerns me that you have been in a "relationship" for the majority of your adult life (since 17 yo), and you perhaps are looking for a relationship to validate you? You have grown from a teenager into an adult and been in a relationship the entire time. What you put up with as a teenager from your girlfriend grew and changed as you grew and matured into a 26 yo man. You drew the line on her infidelity, but you may be giving too much to maintain a relationship that perhaps is not in your best interest?
I hope I have given you some things to think about. You need to take care of "you." You sound like a great guy who deserves to be fully loved by a girl who fully loves you back. Not play second fiddle. I think deep down you know that. That is why you are seeking advice. You know and realize that this girl is showing warning signs of not being fully committed to you. It isn't sitting right with you because the 26 yo man you have grown into realizes his own self worth and that he is worthy of love, and a solid loving relationship. All of this is my thoughts, but you need to decide what you want for YOU. Sometimes our heart decides and chooses to overlook some things because the love is stronger. Either way you end up deciding, listen to those warning bells you are hearing before you fully commit and get your heart broken again.
I hope I helped you sort through some thoughts in your decision. Sometimes someone we don't know and who doesn't know everyone involved can see things from a different view. Good luck and if I can help again in any way, no problem, I am here :-)

[confusedman2012]

You were only 17 when you began a long term relationship that did not work out. You were only just recovering from the pain of that when you went into this relationship. I would be concerned that you have not had time to be by yourself and settled into who you are and what you want. You appear to realize that you are worth having someone love you the way you should be, but you had a double whammy the first time being betrayed by your girlfriend and your best friend. I don't want to hurt you with my honesty, but it is better to be hurt now than to get further into the situation and be hurt worse. If you don't want to give her up right now, I would "proceed with caution." If her mood swings are not severe and you feel you could live with them, then okay. BUT, I still don't like the sound of what you are telling me about her chit chat about her ex. It just concerns me. You do not want to get hurt again as you already went through a lot. Also, you perhaps are very giving in a relationship and you could be putting up with more than you should for the sake of the relationship? Did you seek any counseling out after your ex girlfriend and best friend betrayed you? Were you completely unsuspecting of them? If you were, then I would be concerned that you are possibly overlooking warning signs in a relationship and not looking after yourself as you should. It also concerns me that you have been in a "relationship" for the majority of your adult life (since 17 yo), and you perhaps are looking for a relationship to validate you? You have grown from a teenager into an adult and been in a relationship the entire time. What you put up with as a teenager from your girlfriend grew and changed as you grew and matured into a 26 yo man. You drew the line on her infidelity, but you may be giving to much to maintain a relationship that perhaps is not in your best interest?
I hope I have given you some things to think about. You need to take care of "you." You sound like a great guy who deserves to be fully loved by a girl who fully loves you back. Not play second fiddle. I think deep down you know that. That is why you are seeking advice. You know and realize that this girl is showing warning signs of not being fully committed to you. It isn't sitting right with you because the 26 yo man you have grown into realizes his own self worth and that he is worthy of love, and a solid loving relationship. All of this is my thoughts, but you need to decide what you want for YOU. Sometimes our heart decides and chooses to overlook some things because the love is stronger. Either way you end up deciding, listen to those warning bells you are hearing before you fully commit and get your heart broken again.
I hope I helped you sort through some thoughts in your decision. Sometimes someone we don't know and who doesn't know everyone involved can see things from a different view. Good luck and if I can help again in any way, no problem, I am here :-)

WOW! Nail on the head! I genuinely think you're 100% correct and you have definitely given me a lot of things to think about. The truth is, I do love this girl and I would be 99% sure that she may love me or love the idea of having me as a boyfriend but that she has a long long way to go before she gets her first real relationship experience out of her system. As we speak, she is texting me asking me are we all right etc? There are too many mixed signals coming from here; one day is she texting me "Love you millions xxxx" and the next it is something completely dry and confusing. Thank You so much for taking the time to help me understand, you confirmed to me what I sort of already knew but the way you phrased it made so much sense and made it so much more understandable. If I am honest with you, I am going to give it another little while to see how things go but if I don't start feeling loved back as much as I try and make her feel loved, then I am afraid I am going to have to swallow the big gulp in my throat and take a break from women altogether. I don't want nor need complications in my life; if you love someone then you do not make them feel like crap, you go over and above what is expected to make them feel special. I feel drained of energy and when she makes me feel like this, or talks about the ex boyfriend (sometimes I genuinely believe she doesn't do it on purpose) it knocks the heart right out of me and destroys my happiness. I know she loves me but I cannot carry this relationship on my own and the sooner she realises that there are two people in a relationship and that both must give what they're receiving, the better. I really hope we can make it work but everything you explained and talked about is exactly what I am going through and feeling. A wonderful piece of advice and I thank you immensely! Life is a real kick in the balls sometimes, why do people tend to make it so bloody complicated?! Thank you so much!