[AW1414]

Okay so Husband of 3 yrs. And in a relationship for 7 yrs. I have a 9 yr. Old daughter from a previous relationship and a 5 yr. Old daughter from my marriage. Problem is our 5 yr. Old is his princess and his everything and I feel like my other daughter as well as myself hardly exists. This is such an ongoing issue its destroying our marriage. I can't accept it. It bothers me to pieces to see him constantly cuddling our 5 yr. Old and acting like our 9 year old has a disease. He says he feels uncomfortable cuddling with her and showing affection to her. He was so good with her until we had our other daughter. It’s like all his love transferred to his new daughter which I get it. It’s his first and my second but I see the rejecting feeling in my eldest daughters eyes when he gets home from work and goes straight to his little princess. It’s so bad that I feel rejected too cause she sleeps with us every night almost and it’s almost like when we fight it's OK cause he's got his little princess.so I’ll be balling my eyes out and he doesn't even take the time to just try to talk to me to see what’s wrong. He waits until I get over it and acts like nothing happened.

Right now my rings are off. I’m fed up. He doesn't listen to me and he doesn't take the time and energy to talk to me. He just pretends like it’s all OK and tries to cuddle me in my sleep thinking that will make it all better. Well it’s not! It's making things build up and I just want him to come out and show he cares! Scenario - this weekend. Told him our eldest is coming down for the weekend as she has spent the last month with grandma and grandpa and Sunday is our friends daughter’s birthday party.so Friday he had to watch her for a couple hours as I had to work then he went out. Didn’t come home until 1 am.Then Saturday he worked so I spent time with the girls and he took over for the evening as I had a stagette to do that weekend as I was a bridesmaid. Then Sunday he decides to work on the basement (which has been sitting not done for 4 yrs. Now) knowing it’s his buddy's daughter’s birthday party.so I get home Sunday and the kids are running around like crazy and scraggly. Not at all ready for the birthday party and so I get them ready and he doesn't come. He was too busy working on the basement.

So all in all I feel like we aren't a team anymore and it’s more like my husband and the youngest against me and the eldest as I love my daughters equally but I'm the one that lays down the rules with my youngest so she's a big daddy's girl cause he lets her do whatever she wants and sides with her without even looking into the situation.

[Gamed]

Ok 1. What's your question

2. Balling your eyes out every time you fight? If it makes you feel rejected that he doesn't want to comfort you when you decide to fight with him than I feel zero sympathy.

Does your 9 year old ever approach him or try to hug him when he gets home? I'm sure if your 9 year old ran up and hugged him when he got in the door he wouldn't push her and say GET OFF ME!

When people write stories you have to look deeper because it is your side of the story only. So what I've gathered is that
1.You need him to approach and baby your 9 year old.
2.You need him to comfort you when you decide to fight with him. If your 5 year olds their the entire time and sees the whole fight doesn't surprise me he goes to her because she's 5 she needs comforting. Your not 5.

Sounds like you need to be an adult have your 9 year old approach him. Don't let your 5 year old sleep in the same bed ,and send her out if a fight is starting.

[AW1414]

Actually when my 9 year old does give him affection he acts grossed out... She's tried cuddling with him and hugging him and he shows no emotion and tells me it makes him unconfertable and I get that my youngest is 5 and I'm an adult but that doesn't mean he needs to being her to bed every night and let her sleep in between us! I don't mind the odd time but he doesn't even let our 9 year old in our room so how is that fair? And I don't fight in front of our kids either...

[Gamed]

.its so bad that I feel rejected too cause she sleeps with us every night almost and its almost like when we fight it's ok cause he's got his little princess...so I'll be balling my eyes out and he doesnt even take the time to just try to talk to me to see whats wrong

He needs to see what's wrong when you fight? You say it right their.
I've worked with marriage and relationship counselors I know how it works everyone exaggerates. You said everything was fine before people just start hating their family for no reason at all.

If he is that 1 person that one day just said ''Hey I'm not going to show my step daughter affection anymore because I feel like it''
Then you need to leave now

You still haven't even provided a question yet. So I can't even be sure what part of this problem you need help on or if your just digging for sympathy Every day I hear from girls (and guys) about how they hate their relationship ,but they do nothing about it. Their just looking for pitty.

[AW1414]

I'm not looking for pity I'm looking for advice... people who deal with similar issues and felt the same way and what they did about it.. Whether its common or some kind of guy thing

[Gamed]

Again I can't directly address your problem Do you need attention? Does your 9 year old need attention?
Are you sad because you are like oh my god adore me but he isn't biting what is it

And I've already told you if he just decided one day that he's no longer going to show your daughter affection witch from YOUR STORY sounds accurate than you need to leave now this isn't common.

Can you give me examples of large things that actually make a difference that he sides with her on.
By the way if its this big of a problem as you describe why haven't you even tried to mention anything that your doing to make it better.

[Fr_Chuck]

I am going to bet someone said something or he read an article about step fathers being accused of improper behavior perhaps, esp as a child gets older and matures.
But that is a guess.

Could be he has no bond and no feelings for another mans child. That is very common, and it is very common for a stop parent to treat the child differently.

[Gamed]

I am going to bet someone said something or he read an article about step fathers being accused of improper behavior perhaps, esp as a child gets older and matures.
But that is a guess.

Could be he has no bond and no feelings for another mans child. that is very common, and it is very common for a stop parent to treat the child differently.

That can't be it because she said he used to show her affection so he had feelings at one time. This one has me baffled ,the story does seem a little fishy to me.

[Been There With]

He's grossed out because that 9 year old is not his daughter... the nine year old is a bold reminder that you had sex with someone else and that's what it reminds him of... you guys need to talk about that issue. Its only natural for a biological parent to be closer to his biological kid than some kid who probably looks like your ex in some ways and is a constant reminder of you being with someone else.

[DsprtCfsd]

First off, I'm a stepfather of a 15yr old so I've been there and done that. I've been in my daughter’s life since she was 3 years old. I'm the only dad she has known considering her father has been incarcerated since her birth. VERY long story short, I’m at the stage in her life that “I’m not her dad”.

I’d be willing to go into the primary issue in a longer post of my own but I don’t want to steal yours. We now have a son almost 7yrs and a daughter 2 ½ yrs (which she deliberately treats like trash around me). Anyway, my trouble started shortly after I started dating my current wife. She moved to my state from another and during the summer our daughter stayed with her parents. Up until then, I had a decent relationship with her/my daughter. When she came back from my wife’s parents my daughter was unruly. She wouldn’t listen to me and rebelled every chance she had (almost like my wife’s mom told her that she didn’t have to listen to me which I can believe considering she has caused so many other problems in our marriage). One instance specifically she (our daughter) yelled at me “get out of my room” when I was trying to get her to go to sleep after 9p (3 year old mind you). I looked at my now wife and she told me to spank her, I did. Since then it seems she’s had resentment towards me.

There has only been 2 times I have spanked my eldest daughter at which time my wife had told me to do so. The second time was when she was 12 years old and was treating my wife like crap. CPS was called and we were investigated.
My wife has used me from the start as the discipline mechanism for all of our kids which has caused some serious problems especially for our eldest. “Wait until I tell daddy” has caused a lot of distance between me and my kids. They see her as their “friend” and me as their punisher of bad behavior no matter what I do.

Anyway, I’ve never really felt comfortable around our eldest in regards to hugs and cuddling because of how I was forced into the enforcer position as well as being well aware of the accusations that could be brought upon just by a child saying that a stepfather did something inappropriate. Have I ever, HELL no and would never but in this day and age a father figure can’t be too careful so of course I have distanced myself from her since the start of the problems. In the mean time, I had stumbled across an “essay” that my daughter had written and left laying on her floor of how she has hated me from the start and how I have taken her mother away from her…

About a year ago the “You’re not my father” started in. It’s torn me apart to be rather truthful considering I have looked after, loved in my own conservative way, paid for as a dependent, etc… This entire time my wife has told me it’s my fault and that I hadn’t tried hard enough to make our daughter love me. At no point will or has my wife talked to our daughter to discuss her attitude towards me. It’s to the point where she uses me and my relation to her advantage at the same time she hates “us” and wants nothing to do with us.

Long story long, don’t immediately blame your husband for the affection that is or isn’t given. There may be a very good reason that is being over looked. Sometimes we are blinded by our love for our kids. As a grown up, it affects us more that a child doesn’t love us that we have provided for than it does them. Remember when you were a tween, you may have not liked your parents and double that for someone that is not your biological parent.

I appologize for the long post, this kind of hit home so I had to share :(

[Homegirl 50]

Have you considered asking your husband to do some counseling?
If he has been the father in the 9 year old life for a while he needs to understand what this rejection could do to her. These are young children we're talking about. He may not be the natural father, but he has been the father figure in her life for the last five years at least.
As a mom I can understand your being hurt by the way the older daughter is being treated, and the 5 year old needs to come out of the bedroom with you two.
You guys need to be on one accord when it comes to your kids.
Do some counseling, if he doesn't, you do it. You will get some ideas about how to handle this.

[Cat1864]

Long story long, don’t immediately blame your husband for the affection that is or isn’t given. There may be a very good reason that is being over looked. Sometimes we are blinded by our love for our kids. As a grown up, it affects us more that a child doesn’t love us that we have provided for than it does them. Remember when you were a tween, you may have not liked your parents and double that for someone that is not your biological parent.

As the step-child who reached out and was rebuffed, you are wrong. In my case it was step-mothers instead of step-fathers and started when I was about three years old. We learn at an early age to hide a need for affection from those who don't return it. We put up shields to protect ourselves. We act like we could care less, but inside we are screaming for some one to see us and love us. However, all most people see is the defensive wall we put up. We need love and affection, but we are afraid to allow anyone to get close to us. Rejection hurts. It takes a very special person to stand-fast and gain our trust even as we fight against them and ourselves.

To the op: you need to sit down with your husband and discuss his behavior. Counseling might give you both a safe place to express yourselves and learn better ways of working together. He needs to know the damage he is doing to both children. Over-indulgence is as bad as neglect.

Be the mother and love both of your children. Be as balanced as you can be. There are always times when one child needs more than the other or one child's need is more immediate. But don't play favorites. Don't try to make up for what he isn't giving. Don't hold back because he is over-doing it. You can show affection and discipline at the same time. Be firm in your expectations of both children. But most of all love them and spend time with them together and separately.

If he won't go to counseling, go on your own. Good luck.

[JudyKayTee]

As the step-child who reached out and was rebuffed, you are wrong. In my case it was step-mothers instead of step-fathers and started when I was about three years old. We learn at an early age to hide a need for affection from those who don't return it. We put up shields to protect ourselves. We act like we could care less, but inside we are screaming for some one to see us and love us. However, all most people see is the defensive wall we put up. We need love and affection, but we are afraid to allow anyone to get close to us. Rejection hurts. It takes a very special person to stand-fast and gain our trust even as we fight against them and ourselves.

To the op: you need to sit down with your husband and discuss his behavior. Counseling might give you both a safe place to express yourselves and learn better ways of working together. He needs to know the damage he is doing to both children. Over-indulgence is as bad as neglect.

Be the mother and love both of your children. Be as balanced as you can be. There are always times when one child needs more than the other or one child's need is more immediate. But don't play favorites. Don't try to make up for what he isn't giving. Don't hold back because he is over-doing it. You can show affection and discipline at the same time. Be firm in your expectations of both children. But most of all love them and spend time with them together and separately.

If he won't go to counseling, go on your own. Good luck.

This is wonderful advice - out of "greenies." As I keep repeating, parrot-like, I'm a stepmother (5 times). Neither side is easy, "step" on either side can be a dirty word.

I am STRUCK by this: "There has only been 2 times I have spanked my eldest daughter at which time my wife had told me to do so. The second time was when she was 12 years old and was treating my wife like crap. CPS was called and we were investigated. ... Anyway, I've never really felt comfortable around our eldest in regards to hugs and cuddling ... I have distanced myself from her since the start of the problems."

That poor child! I believe this person is taking out his frustration and anger at his wife on the child. I am not surprised that his wife is distancing herself sexually and emotionally.

All sorts of problems - no sex, no communication, no alone time, she forced him to spank the child to the point where CPS was called in, the in-laws neither like nor respect him. Counselling, counselling, counselling.

[talaniman]

You both need to take some parenting classes as I see it. Especially him, or set some better rules and boundaries. Uncomfortable or not, step parent or not, he better get it through his head that a nine year old needs love too!

He better get more comfortable, and that's what the classes are about. And children can tell when a parent is upset, whether you argue in front of them or not. Its important you two get on the same page. You have to be consistent, and fair.

[Realtalkink]

I see no big deal here...

[Cat1864]

No i dont, my father did the same when i was young and so do other parents. I believe either you should just show extra care to the less favorited child or just have a talk with your husband about how this makes you feel. Besides this is your problem either you or you husband should just grow up.

Ps. Realtalk

This father is going beyond showing a preference for one child over the other one. His behavior is going to cause issues for the younger child as much it does for the older child. Both children are in danger of growing up and looking for affection in all the wrong ways and places. I have seen this happen over and over again and not only in blended families.

The problem belongs to the family. Not just the mother or the father. You are correct if you mean that they need to work together.

[Realtalkink]

This father is going beyond showing a preference for one child over the other one. His behavior is going to cause issues for the younger child as much it does for the older child. Both children are in danger of growing up and looking for affection in all the wrong ways and places. I have seen this happen over and over again and not only in blended families.

The problem belongs to the family. Not just the mother or the father. You are correct if you mean that they need to work together.

That is what I meant thank you. I didn't mean to offend anyone but I guess I was being insensitive I just felt that in my life I didn't really see this as a bigdeal and I still don't.