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kimmiegirl99 · Jul 30, 2012, 10:43 PM

My boyfriend has a 23 yr old son who still lives with him. He does have a job that his father got him where he works, previously he had nothing. His son is rude, disrespectful and lazy, to the point that he will not even do his own laundry anymore. He wears his dads clothes. I do not live there but I stay over 3-4 nights a month to help BF with laundry and cleaning house. His son does nothing. I have threatened to stop helping with laundry and did so for almost a full month but felt guilty like I was punishing the father for the sons sins. I quit cleaning the house but that didn't last either, my clean freak streak kicks in and I have to clean to feel somewhat comfortable there.

We have put locks on the bedroom door to keep his son out of his bedroom and from getting into his clothes, however I don't think the BF sticks with it when I'm not there; seems to be a lot of his clothes dirty in one week, suggesting his son is still wearing his dads clothes, actually I know he is. He calls his father names (and me) says he is an adult and can do and say as he pleases. He uses his fathers car to go to work and his paycheck goes towards CD's drugs, booze, and video games; by Tuesday he is asking his dad for gas and food money. He has stolen his dads credit card, checkbook and money out of his wallet. The BF will argue with his son, his son will promise to do better and a week later its back to the same thing.

My BF says that I don't understand parenting because I have no children of my own (my choice). The BF feels guilty because after the divorce (16 yrs ago) the mom didn't want the 2 boys, she took the girl. The other son is married and on his own with 2 children, the daughter is divorced with 2 children living on assistance. I have had numerous arguments with the son to grow up, respect his father, and take responsibility for himself, all that achieves is more tension, hurt feelings and more loathing on my part. I am at my wits end with what to do.

Wondergirl · Jul 30, 2012, 10:49 PM

How committed are you to this guy? All you seem to be doing is enabling the father to enable the son.

J_9 · Jul 30, 2012, 10:54 PM

You can't do anything, you aren't the wife or step-mother. Either you accept it, continue enabling the behavior, or move on.

kimmiegirl99 · Jul 31, 2012, 12:14 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

How committed are you to this guy? All you seem to be doing is enabling the father to enable the son.

Im very committed we have been together for 3 years. What would you suggest that the father do?

Originally Posted by J_9

You can't do anything, you aren't the wife or step-mother. Either you accept it, continue enabling the behavior, or move on.

If there is nothing I can do then what can the father do?

Wondergirl · Jul 31, 2012, 12:38 PM

Originally Posted by kimmiegirl99

Im very committed we have been together for 3 years. What would you suggest that the father do?

I suggest that the two of you go for couples/family counseling and ask the counselor to include the son in some of the sessions.

dmjumisco · Sep 27, 2012, 06:55 PM

I have been married for 4 years to a father who has two sons living with us that are 23 years old and 21 years old. The 23 year old has been on drugs, jail, extremely disrespectful to me. I have tried and put up with way more then I should because I love my husband. I no longer feel comfortable in my own home that I work for and help pay the mortgage and the bills. I have cut back on paying the bills. Both of his sons had the opportunity to go to college and both spent the money on what? Probably drugs...
My suggestion for you is number 1... things are not going to change in your boyfriends household unless one of you changes it. And it will not be your boyfriend. You said you do not live there, so I would stay put in my own house and let your boyfriend come to you. Keep your house nice, safe and respectful. If your boyfriends cares about you... he will come to you.
I have come to realize I am a wonderful woman who is changing my disposition because of this situation. I am out of my own character, being someone I am not and do not want to be.
I have told my husband I do not want to live with his son anymore. Either the son moves in with the his mother who is not in the picture much or they all need to move out of this house. When my husband is done raising his adult sons, then we can live together if we make it through this. And if we don't make it. I have my life back it my nice safe, clean home I work so hard to provide.

Thanks and Good Luck

talaniman · Sep 27, 2012, 07:13 PM

Stay away from his messy house and disrepectful lazy kid. Have fun with out his problems at YOUR house.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 27, 2012, 10:10 PM

The father is doing what the father wants to do, nothing.

As the girlfriend, you stop going over and stop doing laundry, You tell boyfriend, eh can come to your place a few nights a week, if he wants to keep seeing you.

You also don't allow son to ever be disrespectful to you, the minute he is, you leave and go home.