[Sania16]

Never ever thought I would be posting a question on a site - but life got me here:rolleyes:

I am a happily married woman - happily married if you remove the sex out of marriage. My partner was never very interested in sex and that was something I had comfortably accepted. We lived happily for about 3 years with me being fine about the no fun with sex part in out marriage till a close pal of mine brought out all those hidden desires in me. I started having a physical relation with this friend and slowly fell in love with him - so now I love my husband and also love my friend. And yes, I am cheating my loving husband - I never thought I was the kind - but sadly, I seem to have no strength to stop myself. In the country that I come from, marriages are arranged and so now my friends wedding is also arranged by his family and he should be married in a few months.

I am very happy with my husband but at the same time also very hurt that my friend is getting married. I want him to be married and that's the way its supposed to be because I have no intentions of leaving my husband but still - its hard. I must be the only woman on earth with a situation like this, but well!

You see - currently I am the most important woman in his life and his best friend and now I keep wondering how he will treat me once he has a wife, I keep wondering if she will be better than me, if he will forget me after marriage and get completely lost in love with his wife, if I will once again in life be deprived of the pleasures of sex, and then there is the possessiveness, jealousy - its like the same feeling you get when your BF/exBF is getting married. And guess what - he's my best pal and I need to help him with all the wedding arrangements and I need to go attend the wedding:( I just don't have the strength! Wonder how I will live through these next few months :(

[Krs]

How about discussing this with your husband?

[Sania16]

Strangely - my husband already knows some part of it.

My husband knew him initially as my friend and co-worker, and then saw the way I was getting close to this man as time went by. He knew this person as my close friend till one day he saw a mushy message from this friend. My husband was very upset but I somhow convinced him and my friend too spoke to him and he was fine. Actually at that time me and my friend decided to put an end to the sex part in our relation and keep only the friendship but it didn't happen - we both really enjoyed the sex part and could not keep out of it.

From my actions, from the way I talk about this friend - my husband knows I have a very special feeling for this person but not that I have had sex with this man. He would be broken if he knew that. And yes - I told my husband that strangely I am feeling very possessive and Jealous that this guy is getting married but my husband didn't really have any solutions for me there.

[chopstick]

Can you stop your friend from getting married? Propose to him. Talk to your husband very honestly and say how much you love him. Wouldn't it be great if your husband and you become friends and you get married to your... friend. A lot of havock I know. Is it worth a go?
Make a brave move!

[Sania16]

You see - that's the problem. My husband is a wonderful person. But for the no sex part - he's the best man I have known. Plus - my friend has to get married to the girl his parents have chosen for him. So leaving my husband and going with this friend is completely out of question.

So you see, I know there is no future in the relation I have with my friend, and all I want from that relation is that we will share this special relation that we have all our lives - in spite of having our spouses, we will always love each other in some unconditional way and I hope I will never have to miss the sex that I have with him. So right now - when I see that his life is taking a turn and a woman is coming into it, it scares me. I don't know if marriage will change his feelings towards me. And I don't know how I will bear to see some other woman having a bigger place in his life than me. I know this is a phase in our lives and relation and it will pass with time but getting through this phase will be very tough for me and I am scared. I feel like Julia Roberts in "My Best Friends Wedding"

[valinors_sorrow]

The only way out of any difficulty for me is truth. And the hardest truth to tell is to ourselves. It appears to me that you need to leave both men. And find one of your own who meets your sexual needs as well as all the others. You were apparently very mistaken that you could forgo your sexual feelings. Now you know. You talk often of not having strength but that is mostly because of how you are sapping your strength doing things that you know to be outright wrong: lying to your husband, cheating with your friend and still wanting him after he is married! Not good. How many more poor choices can you make in this before you begin to see it all begins and ends with you?

Truthful living is a happiness in itself and you have forgotten what it was like, I imagine. I hope this wakes you up a bit and you think about the bigger picture here. Your husband deserves better. Your friend deserves better. So do you. So quit chickening out and doing what's easy, selfish and deceitful. Please get right about it as soon as possible and you'll see how wrong it all was.

[talaniman]

This is so simple, if you put as much into talking and working, with your husband as you do cheating on him, you could solve the things that are wrong in your own marriage. It maybe a lot of work but its better than the lie you now live, so find out why hubby isn't doing the right things in bed and why you settled for nothing for so long. Cheating will get you nothing but the misery you have now.

[Sania16]

The last 2 messages really woke me up. THanks a lot. Its not that I didn't know what was the right thing to do here but just that when you are in the situation, its not at all easy. It's a struggle between the heart and the mind.

The reason I started cheating on my husband is because I was missing sex and in the country that I am in, once married - done - you don't divorce and marry again. So the feeling that I will never enjoy sex in my life was very tough to digest but I did that and lived that way for 3 years. But when there were some advances from my friend in that direction, it was too tough to resist. I just fell in and kept doing all the things I knew were outright wrong because I was just enjoying the sex.

And I don't think I can ever again get back the sex flame with my husband because I too have completely lost all the sexual attraction towards him. He was anyway never interested. But look how strange this is - we love each other a lot, no one loves me like he does - but sex - NO!

Anyway - reading the quotes you lovely people sent me yesterday, really got me thinking. I thought a lot and I have decided to speak to my friend and let him know that I don't want to do the wrong things anymore and that I wish to put an end to the physical relation we have. I had a sincere chat with my husband yesterday and tried telling him about what's running in my mind and how I feel about my relation with him - had a very emotional evening with my husband.

The only thing I am scared of - even if I speak to my friend and tell him we are putting a stop to everything, I wonder how long I will be able to hold myself. Wonder how I will control myself if 3 months down the line he makes a sexual advance towards me.

Thank you people - I really feel obliged that you all took the time. Please keep quoting - it will help me.

[rubz]

Hi
I just want to say why don't you try and get your husband intrested in sex. Dress up for him sexy lingerine etc.. Maybe he might start to get intrested. I have never know a man not intrested in sex you just need to find his push button. Maybe he thinks you might not like sex or is sceard to show his desires. As for your friend his new wife doesn't deserve this. Poor girl is leaving everything behind for her new life. Not to be deceived like this how do you think you will feel if you were in her shoes? Stop it before 4 peoples life be ruined. You have to be strong. Good luck

[roar30]

Can you talk to your husband about the lack of sex in your relationship? Can you two decide together what that might mean for your sexual relationships in the world? Maybe your husband is open to an open relationship. Maybe he would agree to stay married but separate, live next door to you, care for you deeply as a friend while you support each other in living more independent lives. There are so many ways to be close to those we love. Can you and he come up with something original and true so that everybody gets everything they want and need?

Talking about this with him would require careful sensitivity and lots of compassion. You would want to emphasize how deeply you care for him and how seriously you are committed, while also not ignoring the fact that not everything you want in your life can be provided in this relationship as it stands now. Both things can be true together.

[jeffatl]

A great piece of advice I would offer you is to stare and READ your title to this question... study it... ALL of it, and THEN think about it some more. If you are not happy with your husband, you need totalk to him about it. Talking about problems can save your relationship, and will keep you from looking foolish. Seriously though, the only thing that I see happening with this is you ending up alone if you don't make some attempt to fix the problem with YOUR HUSBAND.

[me_candy]

Hi sania...
U know wt... I can very well understand your problem because I'm also married but in love with another man.and after 4 months he is getting married.I live in usa... (originally from Pakistan)and he lives in Pakistan.I came to usa after my marriage.I love my husband too ,he loves me too.but I don't know what has happened to me.I love this guy so much,even the thought of leaving him makes me so sad.I know that what I'm doing is wrong but Can't leave him :(
Anyway I don't know what to advise you as I myself is confused... just wish you all possible luck and happiness.

[mustard_seed]

Sounds as if your husband has a low sex drive, is depressed or perhaps is just no longer wanting to give you the part of him that HE KNOWS you no longer are interested in. If you already have a loaf of bread, why would he want to bring you dinner rolls? Ask yourself why the other man is selfishly stringing you along. Get over the fact that if you don't snap out of this rut you have created, you won't have either man. Tell your husband NOTHING--take it to your grave!! Don't ruin what little happiness hubby finds being married to the woman he loves (and he does love you since he hasn't walked out) and waiting for her to get it together.