[27Cheesecake]

Okay so this is a long question.
I am thirteen years old, and in a relationship. I am very unhappy in a relationship but my boyfriend doesn't realize it. My Mother gets very angry, in fact I think she may be bipolar. I've been bullied a bit lately, not like because I'm fat or ugly or whatever, but people (girls, and you know how they are at my age) have turned in on me lately because my boyfriend is the most popular boy at school and because I have been chosen to be a prefect.
I'm not sporty, or really pretty or anything, but I'm really good at music and I'm academic- I recently won two scholarships.
But lately, mostly because of my unhappy relationship I think, I've been extremely upset. Everyone around me is happy, and I want to be happy too, but it's almost like I'm watching them through a glass wall, and just can't be happy. It's not like I'm choosing to be this way, I don't want to be sad, I want to be happy. I try, but I honestly just can't.
I cry a lot, and feel very unhappy with myself.
So recently I've been quite upset with my boyfriend, and about ten minutes ago started wondering whether to break up with him or not. I started crying, and ended up curled up in bed just crying into my pillow.
I then got angry at myself and told myself to stop it. So I started to play a game on my phone to distract myself.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, it was like I was yelling at the top of my voice in my head.
It wasn't gradual, it was sudden, and it was like a storm of thoughts suddenly hit me in the face.
All of the sad things that have ever happened to me suddenly hit me, and my head was filled with painful memories. And it hurt. I saw the devil, I saw God, I saw all the people and things that have hurt me.
And it was really sudden, like I'd been hit with an axe.
The thoughts and memories hurt me, not just mentally, but physically too, they made my head pound and I was holding my head because it hurt so much.
I was crying the whole time, not just crying, weeping, really loudly, and shaking too. I started thinking about how much I just wanted the end. Not the end of the relationship, but the end of my life. I realized that there was nothing left for me to live for, and I've never wanted anything more than I did in that moment. I just wanted to die, to be with Jesus in heaven, and for everything to end. I didn't even want to live until tomorrow. But at the same time, I couldn't kill myself. I just couldn't. I wanted to die, but didn't have the guts to kill myself.
All of this lasted for about two minutes, and I now have a painful head ache.

What happened to me?
I still remember what I saw, in my head I could see really terrible things, and heard myself screaming, and saw the devil. (that isn't a joke or an exggeration.)
Am I depressed? Am I suicidal?
I mean, I wanted to die, but I didn't want to kill myself, so is that suicidal?

Please help me, I have no one else to turn to and I'm scared it's going to happen again, it was a really terrifying experience.

Thanks.

[joypulv]

Sometimes our lives proceed along through the days and weeks and months while grief, anger, hurt, confusion are piling up inside us. It might all come out as yours did or it might happen in other slower ways, even just a slow slide into depression.

I don't think it matters what to call it. Depression is clinically defined as something that lasts a while (among other criteria) but so what - that's for the records and insurance. Suicidal thoughts can run the gamut from idly thinking about death, idly wishing you were dead, seriously wanting to be dead, seriously planning ways to kill yourself either actively or passively, such as engaging in risky behavior.

All that matters is that you sit down and think about what's bothering you behind the scenes - your mother's way of treating you, your readiness for a real boyfriend at 13, the mean girls in school. At 13 (just for starters) I would think that a best girlfriend would be a better comfort and support than a boyfriend. If suicide keeps popping into your head, consider getting some therapy, even if it means having to tell your mother. Therapy in general might help you deal with her problems too, if she won't get help herself.

You might want to take a look at The Varieties of Religious Experience by William James. Although written in 1902, it addresses the overlap of psychosis and religious experience. The whole topic of people seeing the devil or angels or God or talking to God, etc, is an ancient one, and in the modern world it is usually combined with mental illness, but the questions still remain and the answers are not at all clear.

You don't mention a dad, siblings, or one best friend. Would you care to talk about any of that?

[27Cheesecake]

Sometimes our lives proceed along through the days and weeks and months while grief, anger, hurt, confusion are piling up inside us. It might all come out as yours did or it might happen in other slower ways, even just a slow slide into depression.

I don't think it matters what to call it. Depression is clinically defined as something that lasts a while (among other criteria) but so what - that's for the records and insurance. Suicidal thoughts can run the gamut from idly thinking about death, idly wishing you were dead, seriously wanting to be dead, seriously planning ways to kill yourself either actively or passively, such as engaging in risky behavior.

All that matters is that you sit down and think about what's bothering you behind the scenes - your mother's way of treating you, your readiness for a real boyfriend at 13, the mean girls in school. At 13 (just for starters) I would think that a best girlfriend would be a better comfort and support than a boyfriend. If suicide keeps popping into your head, consider getting some therapy, even if it means having to tell your mother. Therapy in general might help you deal with her problems too, if she won't get help herself.

You might want to take a look at The Varieties of Religious Experience by William James. Although written in 1902, it addresses the overlap of psychosis and religious experience. The whole topic of people seeing the devil or angels or God or talking to God, etc, is an ancient one, and in the modern world it is usually combined with mental illness, but the questions still remain and the answers are not at all clear.

You don't mention a dad, siblings, or one best friend. Would you care to talk about any of that?

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my question, it really does mean a lot. I have a dad, a sixteen year old brother and a five year old sister. My family is quite dysfunctional, my Mother and Father fight a lot, and sometimes it gets so bad that they throw things at each other. They've split up quite a bit too. My older brother is unpleasant, and he scares me. It's small things, like if he knocks something over and I ask him to pick it up he says "are you going to make me?" and comes really close to me looking like he's going to hit me. My little sister's a bit of a show off and spoiled rotten by my Mum. My Dad isn't home very often because of work, but when he is, my Mum's screaming at him. I don't know anyone in my family that well. I always feel quite isolated when I'm with them.
I agree with you in that it would probably be easier for me to talk to a girl friend rather than a family member, and I do have one best friend who I can talk to. I'm just a bit scared that she'll think I'm exaggerating, or think I'm crazy. To be honest, I think I am a bit crazy. I don't know what's wrong with me at the moment.
The other thing is, I don't know whether to break up with my boyfriend or not. I agree that I am probably a bit young to be going out, but he's my best friend, and I really do love him, like no one I've ever loved before. I don't just love him like a boyfriend, I love him like a brother, and a best friend. I don't get along with anyone better than I do with him. But it seems like he's the main reason I've been getting so upset lately. I feel like going out with him is making me unhappy, but if I break up with him then I'll be even worse.
I guess I'm just scared that I'll lose my best friend in the world.

Thanks, Anna.

[BethVader]

Honey, that is called being a teenage girl.
You couldn't be more NORMAL.
I went through all that same stuff at your age, had a boyfriend with a
Motorcycle who ditched me at the prom, fought with my BiPolar mother
Constantly, even ended up in a mental health ward for 2 weeks after a
Suicide attempt. It's all a part of being a teenager. Being a teenager is super
Hard, especially for girls. Our emotions run so strongly, and if we aren't getting
A lot of love & support from a father-figure, we usually get a boyfriend to fill that
Void, and sadly teenage boys are hardly responsible enough to not break our hearts.
You will be fine, sweetie. I know you will. You sound just like me 14 years ago. And
Now I'm happily married, have a great 8yr old kid, and am a college student.
Life gets so much better after high school!! You sound very smart, my suggestion
To you is to break up with your boyfriend, keep him as a friend if you want, but your
Focus now should be on school and college. Guys will come and go, and you don't
Want to have to depend on a guy to pay your bills. So get a college degree BEFORE
Settling down or having children, it's much harder to do after!
And RELAX. Spend some time with your girl friends, go to the movies, get a hobby
Like painting or jewelry making. Understand that the most important person in your
Life is YOU. Do what makes you happy. And if you really can't take the stress, reach
Out to the school counselor for help, sometimes therapy can be a great way to figure
Things out just by talking about them out loud. Good luck to you, sweetie.
You will be fine. I promise. You may message me anytime.

[joypulv]

Given how articulate you are at 13, and how well you put your thoughts together, I suspect that you also are very intelligent and insightful, which can make life tougher as you go through your teens. It might be why you feel so isolated from family and the mean girls and so on.. a cross to bear. It also might go hand in hand with a good imagination and creative mind that experiences vivid imagery when in a crisis. It also (I know this was true for me) allows you to talk circles around yourself, to try to be rational in the face of all that is bothering you, denying a lot of it until it comes out in one big moment like yours did.
Yes, you could be developing a mental illness like schizophrenia, but one episode of something 'crazy' is not enough to go on. Assume that you aren't for quite a while yet.
I had a moment like you describe once, but it was in my 40s, after my husband ditched me, and I was sitting at my computer, seemingly with nothing especially wrong at the time but of course a lot was wrong.