As a preface to my comments, I would like to direct you towards the "Writing" section of this site. You would probably get more responses there, with more suggestions from fellow writers.
The story shows that you are able to weave the words relatively well; you have an unrefined but interesting voice, and with work you could really develop a unique style. However, this story comes up a bit lacking in that it is, for one, very short, and very undeveloped. It seems more of an idea, or a skeleton, for a short story, more so than an actual finished product. You really need to concentrate on developing the characters, and giving the plot time to play out. You have the hook for the end, I can see that, and I think that it is a very good ending for someone's first story.
If you would like any more help, please feel free to message me; if you are upset by my critique, I apologize, and stress that these are merely my opinions.
But above all, keep writing! You'll find it to be extremely rewarding, and I can tell that you have some talent in you.
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