[maddy6]

I think she could have spent sometime working on her marriage, or at least left it before she started messing around with a married man who has a child and a baby on the way.
She also says her husband was not surprised that she wants a divorce. Maybe the marriage was bad.
I can't believe she is willing to wait for this guy to leave his wife and new baby for her. That is pretty sad.

I agree completely. But perhaps the husband was not surprised because he suspected, or since she was in an affair she already showed signs of emotionally withdrawing from him.
My point is that "the cheater" set her up. He is the one with the pregnant wife. She is lonely and experiencing a low point in her marriage. The cheater knows this and pursues a relationship when he should have been giving the time and attention to his pregnant wife. Had he not entered the picture, she may have gotten through the low point in her marriage, pursuing marriage counseling, or some other positive direction. He was a bum for what he did. Now he baits her with false promises of leaving his wife. The guy is a creep and she was taken advantage of.
I am just saying she needs to fix what she has while she can and not let this horrendous mistake (because it was horrendous) destroy all the good she had going on prior.

[maddy6]

One more thought and then it's a blog, not a Q&A Board - great that you've been married a long time. We all have our "how/why we stayed married" stories - 32 years and 6 kids is great.

However, this woman had an affair with a married man whose wife was pregnant.

I think that says a lot about her. I'm not sure that she's the best partner for her husband.

Sometimes all the "trying, work and effort" in the world doesn't change the course of the marriage.

Here's the difference - you stayed committed. She didn't.

If I were the husband involved in this I would NOT continue to try.

I've done more matrimonal surveillances this year that the average person HEARS about in a lifetime. I see this all the time. Some people are serial cheaters. Others cheat once and learn. Some will always look to someone else during rough times. Some won't. I can live with all of those scenarios.

I can't understand a married woman who cheats with a married man who has a pregnant wife - I just can't. And she loves him but is nobly going to go her own way until he decides what he wants to do next?

No, it isn't over with the boyfriend. It's over with the husband and she'll be waiting - and waiting - and waiting for the boyfriend to make his move.

Okay, sorry... :-) can't resist answering and don't know the site rules... BUT :-) you can be sure if MY man had an affair (he has not), but IF he did, no other woman is getting him from me. I would fight tooth and nail for the relationship. I know I have a good man and would not sit idly by and lose him. I would forgive him and seek counseling to correct the issues that caused it to happen to start with. The lady states her husband is "wonderful." She realizes now she had a good thing. She obviously feels destroyed over her behavior.
I am just saying that ultimately where will she find herself? Realizing the cheater is a bum who will not leave his wife, and then what? Searching for a "wonderful man" again. Exactly what she already has. So I say she made a 1 time mistake, seek counseling and fight for the relationship. Marriage takes work, but is sooooo worth it.

[Homegirl 50]

If this woman had put as much effort into fixing what had gone wrong in her marriage as she did spending time with this man, they may have been able to work through some things.
She said she started developing feelings for him. She should have stayed away from him then. I blame her, She is not a child. She decided to play with fire. I They both acted reckless and selfish.
I find her extremely selfish in that she is willing to wait for this man to leave his family for her. That is disgusting.

[Homegirl 50]

LuckyGirl2012
How old are you? I just find it weird how quickly you fell for this man and then left your marriage. How old is this man?

[JudyKayTee]

Okay, sorry.....:-) can't resist answering and don't know the site rules....BUT :-) you can be sure if MY man had an affair (he has not), but IF he did, no other woman is getting him from me. I would fight tooth and nail for the relationship. I know I have a good man and would not sit idly by and lose him. I would forgive him and seek counseling to correct the issues that caused it to happen to start with.

Now I can't resist. Unless you've been there you don't know how you would handle a situation like this. You can "know" - but you don't "know. No secret, I've been there.

You suddenly realize that your partner, the man who exchanged vows with you, not only had sex with another woman (or women) but looked you in the face and lied about where he was, what he was doing. He lied over the phone, he lied in person. He lied and lied. He had a partner in that lie. He brought a third party in the marriage.

And now you're supposed to believe anything he says from that day forward?

Again, you may "know. No secret, I've been there.

You suddenly realize that your partner, the man who exchanged vows with you, not only had sex with another woman (or women) but looked you in the face and lied about where he was, what he was doing. He lied over the phone, he lied in person. He lied and lied. He had a partner in that lie. He brought a third party in the marriage.

And now you're supposed to believe anything he says from that day forward?

Again, you may "... but, with respect, you don't "know." ... but, with respect, you don't "know."

Do you know why I don't give advice to people who have 6 kids and are married 30+ years? Because I've never been there, and so it's what I think I "a bum"'

The other man was "advantage" (your words) who took "takes advantage." of her (again, your words). Do you know why I've never had an affair? Because I don't believe in cheating. Apparently the OP does.

No one "advantage" of? No. Why? I loved my husband.

I DO know how I would handle this situation. With respect, again, you are pretty much guessing, well intended guesses - but guesses just the same.

[maddy6]

Now I can't resist. Unless you've been there you don't know how you would handle a situation like this. You can "kmow" - but you don't "know. No secret, I've been there.

You suddenly realize that your partner, the man who exchanged vows with you, not only had sex with another woman (or women) but looked you in the face and lied about where he was, what he was doing. He lied over the phone, he lied in person. He lied and lied. He had a partner in that lie. He brought a third party in the marriage.

And now you're supposed to believe anything he says from that day forward?

Again, you may "know" ... but, with respect, you don't "know."

Do you know why I don't give advice to people who have 6 kids and are married 30+ years? Because I've never been there, and so it's what I think I "know."'

The other man was "a bum" (your words) who took "advantage" of her (again, your words). Do you know why I've never had an affair? Because I don't believe in cheating. Apparently the OP does.

No one "takes advantage." My late husband was an invalid for over 5 years, in the hospital more time than he was home. I changed this proud, educated man's diapers. Did I ever get taken "advantage" of? No. Why? I loved my husband.

I DO know how I would handle this situation. With respect, again, you are pretty much guessing, well intended guesses - but guesses just the same.

Sorry, JudyKayTee. I stand corrected and I didn't mean to step on your toes there. I was ONLY meaning a one time mistake where there is remorse. Your situation would be truly terrible to experience and I am very sorry you experienced that.
Although my marriage did not experience infidelity from either of us, I do not feel I am unqualified to give advice. I do have experience with commitment... as you obviously do too. Very admirably I might add.
And I still do believe in the advice I gave as is, but as I stated... if it's a 1 time thing and remorse is there.

I also think there are many ways to view a situation coming from various backgrounds and experiences. Obviously my life experience has influenced my advice, as has yours. I don't claim to be correct, but I still believe in the advice I gave if it is a 1 time mistake and NOT habitual cheating. Multiple views and advice can only strengthen an individual making considerations and important life choices. In abundance of counselors there is victory :-)
Also, I would like to add... I DO NOT agree, or believe in cheating either. But I do understand that the reality is that people will fail and make mistakes.

[JudyKayTee]

Sorry, JudyKayTee. I stand corrected and I didn't mean to step on your toes there. I was ONLY meaning a one time mistake where there is remorse. Your situation would be truly terrible to experience and I am very sorry you experienced that.
Although my marriage did not experience infidelity from either of us, I do not feel I am unqualified to give advice. I do have experience with commitment....as you obviously do too. Very admirably I might add.
And I still do believe in the advice I gave as is, but as I stated.....if it's a 1 time thing and remorse is there.

I also think there are many ways to view a situation coming from various backgrounds and experiences. Obviously my life experience has influenced my advice, as has yours. I don't claim to be correct, but I still believe in the advice I gave if it is a 1 time mistake and NOT habitual cheating. Multiple views and advice can only strengthen an individual making considerations and important life choices. In abundance of counselors there is victory :-)
Also, I would like to add....I DO NOT agree, or believe in cheating either. But I do understand that the reality is that people will fail and make mistakes.

Nope, no stepping on my toes. AMHD stays interesting because we've all had different experiences, come from different places.

By the way, the husband who cheated was not the same husband who left me a widow. The cheater is alive and well (as far as I know), probably still cheating. The good guy is dead. Sometimes life makes little or no sense.

I didn't do anything any other woman wouldn't have done.

[maddy6]

I am kind of new on here. When I go to my profile it shows this thread and says there is 1 alert. What does that mean?

[Homegirl 50]

I don't know what skin you use. Just click on it, it could mean you have a private message or someone who wants you on their list.

[LuckyGirl2012]

Thank you all for your comments. My marriage was over long before this man entered the picture and yes I was selfish and cruel in allowing myself to have a relationship with him. I betrayed my husband in the worst possible way. But my marriage is not a victim of the affair.

I haven't slept in weeks, I am a wreck because of this and I am well aware of my actions and the pain they have / are likely to cause.

As for my lover, I am NOT waiting for him. It's over and all I said was that if our paths crossed again in the future then who knows - I am certainly not ending my marriage in the hopes that he will come running and expect a fairytale ending.

I cheated on my husband and made a mistake but I had no idea his wife was pregnant at the time - I only discovered this further down the road.

[LuckyGirl2012]

Oh I'm 31 and he is the same age. My husband is 10 years old than me.

[JudyKayTee]

Thank you all for your comments. My marraige was over long before this man entered the picture and yes I was selfish and cruel in allowing myself to have a relationship with him. I betrayed my husband in the worst possible way. But my marriage is not a victim of the affair.

I haven't slept in weeks, I am a wreck because of this and I am well aware of my actions and the pain they have / are likely to cause.

As for my lover, I am NOT waiting for him. It's over and all I said was that if our paths crossed again in the future then who knows - I am certainly not ending my marraige in the hopes that he will come running and expect a fairytale ending.

I cheated on my husband and made a mistake but I had no idea his wife was pregnant at the time - I only discovered this further down the road.

Okay, my personal experience is coloring my answer, no question.

You originally said you and your husband were "drifting apart" about a year ago. I have no idea at what point in those 12 months you became involved with Mr. Married.

As far as you losing sleep and being a wreck, what goes around comes around.

So - you didn't know his wife was pregnant when you started the relationship. Would it have matter if you had known? Sounds like Mr. Married wasn't entirely honest. Wonder if this is his first trip around the block?

I realize you didn't come to AMHD to be judged, I honestly do. I just think the more you explain and try to rationalize the worse you look. Did you really think anyone was going to commend you on your actions?

[Homegirl 50]

Thank you all for your comments. My marraige was over long before this man entered the picture and yes I was selfish and cruel in allowing myself to have a relationship with him. I betrayed my husband in the worst possible way. But my marriage is not a victim of the affair.

I haven't slept in weeks, I am a wreck because of this and I am well aware of my actions and the pain they have / are likely to cause.

As for my lover, I am NOT waiting for him. It's over and all I said was that if our paths crossed again in the future then who knows - I am certainly not ending my marraige in the hopes that he will come running and expect a fairytale ending.

I cheated on my husband and made a mistake but I had no idea his wife was pregnant at the time - I only discovered this further down the road.

Sounds like this guy pulled one on you and has probably done it before.
I hope you get your life together after all of this, but I would put thoughts of this guy out of my mind if I were you.

[LuckyGirl2012]

I thought I should update you all on the current situation. I've came clean and told my husband absolutely everything. He knows all about how I had been feeling and the affair and everything. The next day my friend / lover phoned. After my separation from him and through mutual friends finding out that I'd left my husband he contacted me telling me that he'd told her everything and that he could live a lie anymore.

Yes things are still very complicated and my husband and I are getting a divorce and adapting to how we can live separately and still raise our daughter together but at least now there are no lies.

Thank you all for all of your honest comments.