[lacuran8626]

I am 42 - not exactly a dating novice. I visited an old work friend with some other friends, fully anticipating his wife would be there (it was a lake weekend planned by another mutual colleague). Long story short, found out on the way there that he was divorced since I'd seen him a year or so prior. My friend, with whom I travelled to see him, was interested in dating him.

It was a great weekend trip on a lake and I had committed to he roll of match maker. Thing is, my fried was a dead fish - refusing invitations to dance, refusing offers of drinks (cokes, water, beer, cocktails) and so on extended by our host - they guy she supposedly was intersted in. He'd offer me a drink, or ask me to dance and I accepted - along with a third friend who was with us. Because there were four of us, I just saw it as a bunch of friends hanging out, and I never dreamed our host was developing an interest in me.

Long story short, by the time I was home for about a week, it was clear he was very interested in me. I struggled with it for a long time. The mutual friend, actually a colleague who I'm not particularly close with, who was also interested in him had done absolutely nothing for an entire weekend in his home to indicate any interest, and actually had repeatedlly rebuffed his gestures of friendship, so I was frustrated with her before I even knew he was interested in me. Anyway, he's in his 50s, I am in m 40s and I just decided this was all too junior high. He asked me out and I accepted. We live a few hours apart,so I was invited to his summer home along with his brother and his brother's girlfriend for another group thing. It was all very gentlemanly - I would have my own place to stay, for example, in a second summer home owned by their family so there would not be any expectations or pressure.

I decided to tell my colleague/friend that I had accepted the date, and of course, doing so resulted in the end of her speaking to me. I soon thereafter left the company for unrelated reasons, so it wasn't a major deal for me, but I did feel very badly that her feelings were hurt. I should say that he had no interest whatsoever in her, and had told me repeatedly that she was a nice woman but that he found her extremely unattractive. I didn't really feel like I was ruining anything by accepting a date.

Anyway, he thought I was aware that while his divorce was pending, it was not final. This was gnawing at him as our date approached, and he ultimately felt so wrong about it, he cancelled. It would be another 6 months, so we agreed to just stay in touch in the interim and get together when we don't have that situation hanging over us, and when he feels totally free to move forward with his life. He is not a guy who is accostomed to female friends, so was not interested in getting together with me in that capacity. But we had a this point established a high level of contact by phone and email, and were each other's biggest sources of moral support through my job search and his pending divorce situation. He started to wane from our contact though, and I took it as him backing off from the fledgling relationship. I got the impression when I called him that, while it was wonderful when we talked, he wanted some space. Then he stopped returning my calls or emails, so I backed off completely. He would then call me, and would ask why I'd not contacted him in a while, so I'd explain that I though he needed space and had lost interest. He'd make compelling arguments that I was wrong in that impression, so I'd resume calling and emailing him, and he'd resume not responding. This cycle repeated several times,with him trying to tell me that he really liked hearing from me. Finally, I told him that I'm not going to chase him and that if it's too hard to respond,which is hard on my self-esteem an makes me feel like an unwanted pest, that we were not going to be able to maintain this connection until his divorce becomes final. I offered to just not talk with him at all until then, and told him to call when he was ready to move forward. He said that wasn't necessary, and again the pattern of me calling, him not responding, me getting irritated, him acting like it was normal - repeated.

In January, I had a "to hell with you then" moment and cut him off. He didn't notice, apparently, and contacted me via email again this week. The divorce is still not final and won't be for another 6 weeks. I respoded to his email with a few pleasant responses to his current life news, and the comment that given that he had blown me off in January, I had decided to discontinue the friendship - that if he wants to continue it, the door is not closed, but that he has to decide when and if he's ready to stop playing cat and mouse with me. It really irritated him that I took that attitude.

Was I wrong? My sister and brother in law both told me it's just weird for a man, who has the interest of a (reasonably) attractive woman, to act as he has if he is genuinely interested. I felt the same way.

[tinsign]

No you were not wrong, you did the right thing in backing off and telling him he must contact you before you reply.
Another thing you might not have thought about is,. perhaps he may not really want the divorce and is still trying to keep the marriage, and have decided to seek consuling.
Also while in doing that he might be trying to keep you as a "side dish" in case they decide to get the divorce.
I am also wondering why he failed to mention right away that he was still going through divorce proceedings. I highly doubt that he would think you had realized that. How could you if he didn't tell you before then.
I see some red flags waving in the breeze with this man.

[lacuran8626]

First, thanks for taking the time to reply. Second, great points.

[grammadidi]

This guy sounds like he has some real problems. I don't think you were wrong in telling him that you have not closed the door but that he has to stop playing cat and mouse and decide to be in it or not. I suspect you are better off without him, to be honest. Sounds like he has a bit of a personality disorder.

Hugs, Didi