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cc1968 · Mar 3, 2007, 07:07 AM

I am beside myself, my 16 year old son hit me. He almost has before but this time he did it. Then after was so sorry. I am sick of his disrespect, he just does whatever he wants no matter what I say. I know he needs help and I make appointments and he will not go. What should I do?

shygrneyzs · Mar 3, 2007, 07:32 AM

This is not as rare as you may think. There are several kinds of parent abuse - physical, psychological, and financial.

Here is an excellent article written on Parent Abuse - written to reflect laws in Canada, but the knowledge is solid.

http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cniv...entabuse_e.pdf

Another excellent resource is from "Focus Adolescent Services" -

Teen Violence

There is a link in there that leads to each state. There is no law that says you cannot call 911. Your son would call 911 if you assaulted him. What is the difference? None, in terms of being assaulted and needing help.

You said you make appointments for him and he does not go. I would suggest then you get help for yourself. You cannot do for him what you cannot do for yourself. Often it is said that we can only change ourselves - so please find some way to get professional counseling for yourself. So that you can begin to understand what is going on inside yourself and how to take the steps necessary to ensure your well being.

Best of all possible to you and your son.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 3, 2007, 07:38 AM

You call the police and have him treated as he is, a criminal.

Some time in Juv Hall or a boot camp at tax payers expense will do him some good.

A parent must never, ever allow a child to abuse them.

cc1968 · Mar 3, 2007, 07:45 AM

Yes calling the police is an option but how could I get my own child locked up? I am so torn. I am so worried that this is going to escalate. I refuse to let him do what he wants when he wants and how he wants and he just does not want to listen. I am a single mom, I have taken care of him by myself for most of his life and I don't understand how he does not appreciate anything I have done and continue to do. When I say that I have no idea what's going on I am not kidding. I am not unintelligent I work everyday and do the best that I can

shygrneyzs · Mar 3, 2007, 07:58 AM

If you do not make the call, there may come the day when you physcially cannot make the call. That is the honest truth. When you do not make the call, you are sending your son the message - loud and clear - that you are allowing him to hit on you. That it is okay, because there are no consequences.

Intervening now is a crucial key to him getting help while he still can benefit from it. And please, get some help for yourself. Don't be the enabling victim.

TheSavage · Mar 3, 2007, 08:22 AM

Originally Posted by cc1968

Yes calling the police is an option but how could I get my own child locked up? I am so torn. I am so worried that this is going to escalate. I refuse to let him do what he wants when he wants and how he wants and he just does not want to listen. I am a single mom, I have taken care of him by myself for most of his life and I dont understand how he does not appreciate anything I have done and continue to do. When I say that I have no idea whats going on I am not kidding. I am not unintelligent I work everyday and do the best that I can

Better that you get him locked up as a wakeup call than I do when he strikes my girl. What lesson did he receive yesterday?That its OK to strike out in anger?

cc1968 · Mar 3, 2007, 08:25 AM

Can you honestly say that you would call the police on your own child, who in reality needs help, not jail. I asked this question because I do not understand WHY he does this. Maybe because his father was never really a father to him and he blames me.
My son is not a throw away person, oh just call the cops, its easy for you to say but could you actually do it? We live in a tough city, do you? Have you ever been a 16 year old boy who lives in a tough city and has to put on the façade of toughness just to walk down the street? Have you ever been in my shoes? No matter what he is my son and I will help him and take care of him no matter what - I brought him into this world he did not ask to be born and I have to take responsibility for him, no one else in this world does. I think that is why I am having such a hard time understanding why this is happening to us. We were always very close, he would tell me I'm sure "almost" everything. I let his friends come to my house and feed them and let them play the playstation so they do not have to be outside and letting God know what happen to them. I know that it sounds like I am picking up for him but I think I need to help him not get him in further trouble.

cc1968 · Mar 3, 2007, 08:33 AM

You know what I came here asking for advice, and this is what I get?? Where are you people from?? Hey Savage - and what do you think you would do to my son? Hit him - shows me by your attitude that you are no better. Right away police, police - You people definitely are not experts at this type of situation. TWO WRONGS DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT. You want to attack my son when I am telling you that my boy is having trouble... As his Mother did you think that I would just let him get into an arms length of danger and everything else that comes with jail and such. This is not some street kid that has no one that cares about. Guess I'm the one who made the mistake by asking on here in the first place.

valinors_sorrow · Mar 3, 2007, 08:43 AM

Originally Posted by cc1968

You know what I came here asking for advice, and this is what I get???? Where are you people from??? Hey Savage - and what do you think you would do to my son? Hit him - shows me by your attitude that you are no better. Right away police, police - You people definitely are not experts at this type of situation. TWO WRONGS DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT. You want to attack my son when I am telling you that my boy is having trouble....As his Mother did you think that I would just let him get into an arms length of danger and everything else that comes with jail and such. This is not some street kid that has no one that cares about. Guess I'm the one who made the mistake by asking on here in the first place.

CC1968, even a street kid belonged to someone who cared at one point. My take is no kid is a bad kid, some just are behaving badly and choosing badly is all. And I think the point that Savage was trying to make was where this can very easily escalate to and how it gets suddenly very complicated because of how differently your son will be viewed by others than from how you view him. Please know that there is help out there for you and your son. It may take you calling the police, not to turn him in, heavens no, but to ask instead what can you do to prevent it all going there -- they may have some ideas? Or a counselor? Or your family doctor? Maybe its time for a physical check up, one that rules out drugs?

The point I would like to impress you with is what you've seen is likely the tip of the iceberg so please don't minimize it or stall acting on it. Your son's future is at stake here and you have a shot at doing something constructive about it. Make some calls now. Finding out the why's and how's of what has happened to him will come in time... once you have a solution in the mix.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 3, 2007, 08:43 AM

Calling the police is the right way to get him the real help he needs, being behind bars for a while, to learn that you can not and do not hit and hurt people.

And calling the police on domestic violence is the right choice,

You are telling him by your inaction, hitting me is OK, and I won't do anything till you put me in the hospital and they have to report it.

You are being a BAD mother by not doing something.

You do not want to HEAR the real truth about what you NEED to do.

tinsign · Mar 3, 2007, 08:48 AM

Time to teach this son some manners of respect, you have already let the disrespect and now the hitting go on to long. Call the police make a report of abuse and make sure you don't back down when it comes time to go to court. He needs a controlled environment to learn how to become a mature responsible adult and he needs it NOW. Fr_Chuck is right boot camp would be a great help in teaching him how to act.

Before you think I am just attacking your son, I am not doing that but trying to help both you and him.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 3, 2007, 08:52 AM

And before you jump on me, I spent years working with teens, have worked with teen boot camps and with the correctional system in several states. Along with homeless and gang and "street" people.

And to be honest even some of the worst gang members would never hit their mother, they even have that much respect, they may kill you for disrespecting their mother.

The issue is respect for you and for hisself, and the fact that somewhere he has a anger issue.

We are trying to help you, and often TOUGH love is the very best love you can have.

tinsign · Mar 3, 2007, 09:06 AM

CC this might help you out,I raised to sons now grown adults on my own. My oldest was not exactly a little angel he went to raise his hand to me I say around the age of 16. Let me tell you it was the last time he ever treied that even, I took my leg behind his and he was on the floor looking up at me. I said son you might be bigger than me but I won't EVER allow you to think you can get away with this.

As far as him going to lock up.. my oldest once stoled hubcaps, yes at 16. I made him spend the night in jail, scared the daylights out of him and when it was time to go to court.. I told the judge ahead of time make sure it just not " here is some candy go home". I told the judge give him 6 months probation to teach him.

My son is now 35 and even he says mom you sure were strict on us but you made us responsible mature adults and for that mom I thank you.

My younger son is now 25 and never been in any sort of trouble.. What I am saying is sometimes you have to say enough this will not be acceptable...

I know right now you think my son is just going through teen years but he is crying out for help and you MUST see to it he gets it.

TheSavage · Mar 3, 2007, 09:15 AM

CC if he will strike his mom -- NO woman is safe around him. When YOU let him disrespect you what lesson will/does he learn?-And no --to me "hitting" is not a answer --can you say the same about your son?- Savage

nindzha · Mar 3, 2007, 06:13 PM

If it is not to late try to have a constructive conversation, I have learned from my own experince what life is like with a person like that and I know that is very hard for a mother also. Don't interfier autohorities you may loose contact with your son even further. He is in puberty everbody knows what life is like than.
Just try to be honest with him and tell him from the bottom of your hearth what you feel about him if he has simpaty he will feel u. Try to work on his moral pereception.

bellatwo · Mar 3, 2007, 10:44 PM

cc1968: My first post on "parenting" was last evening; entitled "Appropriate discipline for an out of control 18 year old." I was engulfed in raw emotions, like you are, took a risk to help my son, like you did. I received valuable replies, like you have. I did not receive wounding words - had I, I would have been devastated. You took a courageous step in asking for help, I could not imagine dealing with my son alone. I am not in your shoes, raising a child alone, I will not pretend to grasp the depth of your frustration, emotional, mental, physical, spiritual and financial. I applaud you for keeping your son, loving him and now realizing something is wrong. You need to take another courageous step and seek immediate help for yourself. Many suggestions were given you, I have another one. I am ignorant of exact names to community based counseling centers, perhaps future posters will provide you specifics. I know such organizations provide counseling at reduced fees or free. Make an appointment for YOURSELF. At that appointment tell the counselor exactly what you initially posted on this site, and allowhim or her to guide you through your nightmare.

JoeCanada76 · Mar 3, 2007, 11:22 PM

My question is where do you think he learned the behaviour to hit. Was it from school, from friends, or was it from home. Is there any witness to fights between anybody to give him the idea that being physically abusive is okay?

Joe

bellatwo · Mar 3, 2007, 11:53 PM

I am very grateful for the obviously divinely orchestrated constructive assistance I received, as a new poster to "parenting" last evening. The word of God says, God's love is the very best love you can have. Therefore, I have to disagree with the Pastor that tough love is. Tough love = parents with a backbone. I want to remind CC, and the rest of us, no two children are alike, we are all fearfully and wonderfully made. What worked for 9 kids, may not work for the 10th. Police involvement, lock them up, scare them, my way or the highway, to the curb with the trash, may break the 10th, iso it is not always the answer. Please keep in mind, teen suicide is at an all time high, it is unimaginable what our kids are enduring and trying to tell us by their acting out.

Momof37 · Sep 8, 2009, 03:19 PM

The men who hit their wives and children did not just arrive at that out of the blue. It is time now to get your child help. He needs to understand that hitting is wrong. Call the police. At this age, he will get forced counseling and you may just save his life. This is not punishing, not tough love, not abandonment, just correct, courageous parenting. It will break your heart, but is a chance to save your son.

Help him now, while they consider him a child and are willing to work with him, not later, when they will put him in jail or confine him in juvie. If you wait, he will end up in prison and you will wish you had been brave enough to save him back when...

If you can't do it for yourself and your son, do it for his future family.

Jake2008 · Sep 8, 2009, 05:33 PM

I have walked a mile in your shoes, and it has nothing to do with bad parenting, ineffective discipline, or doing your best to turn things around.

In my case, it was mental illness with my teenager, and it took counselling, and other things to turn it around. The violence could happen on the turn of a dime, you never see it coming, and you certainly don't expect it.

It took broken bones for me to start pushing hard for mental health assessments, and hospital stays that were longer that 24 hours for yet another in a long line of assessments. The alternative was jail, and she was not a criminal. Time has proven me right, and I suspect it will you, as well.

I don't get the impression that you are going to give up, call the cops, and do the tough love thing. That doesn't always work for all teens in all circumstances. You need to be more creative in getting through to him, and very persistent in getting the help he needs to figure out what is going on.

There could be drugs involved, gangs; he could be dealing as well, dealing with dangerous people. I'm not saying he is, but something has caused this major change in his behaviour.

See if you can't get yourself in to see a youth counsellor. Let your son know that you are doing that so he does not think he has you isolated. Do some research online, print copies of what you find relevant, and leave them on the kitchen table. Don't turn away, face it, even if it is non verbal. He will see that you are not giving up on him, and hopefully he will not give up on himself.

I do feel for you, I know the heartache first hand. You need to be confident that you are doing the right thing (you are), and keep trying. Don't give up.

Youth Counsellors can offer valuable advice on how to manage your teen, and give you a lot of insight as to what may be going on with him. By taking this step, you may be preventing even worse behaviour down the road.

I would love to hear how you made out.