[confusednlove]

Wow! Where do I start.. Okay I am a mother of 4 with 2 children at home. I've been married for 15 years come this September. Let me just jump right in... my spouse and I have ran into some marriage issues lately while for the past 2 years, it all started when he informed me that he was not happy (bored, a better lack of term) this was 5 years ago... a few months later I REALLY discovered that he was seeing someone else, he stated that they were friends and that was it... I went on to ask him what and why he need a friend when he has me... come to find out she was not just a friend according to her... they cut off communication for about a week or two that I'm aware of. I received my cell phone bill in the mail of course showing that they had been texting each other again on and off but not as much as before... Time past he agreed again to stop communicating with her again. We've now since relocated to another state and have been here for about 2 years close to three years. He calls or text me out of the blue and we joked around for a bit and an hour lately I discovered that he had left work and went home and was packing! Yes! Packing at this point I'm confused and I leave work go to the house and sure enough he was moving his things out of our bedroom into one of our child's bedroom... conversation, conversation, conversation... he wants the kids blah blah blah... I went on to say okay what are we going to do about separating our belongings, he didn't know stated we can decide on that later but insist on taking the kids. I'm in tears at this point mainly due to the threat of him wanting to take my kids away from me. He stated that he no longer wanted to discuss the situation and I left got back in my car by the time I got to my car he was calling me asking me where I was going I stated that I was going back to work and now all of a sudden we're not finish talking. I go back into the house to see what else there was to say.. I'm already upset but at the same time feed up with the constant packing up and threats to leave (this is a part I left out at the beginning well during our 5 year excursion). Time has passed we decided to work things out again... at this point I don't know what I'm feeling anymore I can't stop thinking about when the next time he will act out and threaten to leave me. Now, here is my real issue during one of our recent disagreements about 7 or 8 months again I met someone, this someone is married and was actually going through some motion is their own… I was not aware of this at the time but find out about 3 months later. We stay in a small town where everyone knows just about everyone… jumping pass several months me and this someone has become more than friends. Their marriage is COOKED really (has nothing to do with me) I’ve confirmed that myself but not how you think…. Conversation, conversation, conversation at the beginning me and this someone saw or talked to each other every single day if not every other day. Now jumping to today this someone barely calls me and we never see each other anymore. They say that they have been extremely busy and blah blah blah this someone owners their own business so I can respect that however this someone use to make time for me and now they can’t even pick up a phone to call or text… Now back to my home situation. My spouse and I had a HUGH!! Disagreement I say disagreement because it was an argue he picked and choose in other words there was no argument he didn’t like that I when out for a business cocktail with a female business partner point blank he does not like it when I go do anything without him… blah blah blah that’s another novel. Furthermore I end up with a drink thrown in my face and called the B word several times. I was told that I was unconsidered, I think about no one else but myself, and I’m just this plain right out selfish B word. This was fueled by me telling him that I was grown last time I checked my watch (This honestly was not said with attitude). An hour or three passed we end the night… while the morning because by this point it was about 3am in the morning. He cried out talking about how he was afraid of me leaving him and how much he loves me blah blah blah now let me bring you to today or current he has been so nice to me since that last disagreement it’s pretty scary he’s been buying me things shoes, clothes, jewelry, even purses. I will continue my SITUATION in another post this one has already gotten to lengthy at which point I will take all responses but please let me let you marinate on this wide spread situation. The floor is you’re until my next post. WOOOOOO that’s a mouth full Questions.

[Homegirl 50]

So he cheated 5 years ago and you guys worked through it, now you're cheating. What's your question?
We don't need another book this one is confusing enough with all the switching from past to present.
Perhaps your boyfriend has been lying to you and is not leaving his wife. Maybe she found out about you like you found out about your husband's girl friend.
So is your concern your husband or your boyfriend?

[confusednlove]

Hi homegirl50 me cheating has nothing to do with what my Husband did 5 yrs ago. However my husband actions certainly pushed me in that direction. I love my husband because if what we share our children however because we got married at a very early age we've never really kind of feel into the role of what we Suppose to do as a husband and wife, mother and father etc. as for my friends

[confusednlove]

Wife she has no idea about us and their marriage was over before I even met him. However my problem is with my husband he has become very controlling,demanding and some what of a narcissists. He continuously blames me for everything if I disagree with him he become angry and tends to say mean things to me. Afterward he tells me how sorry he is and then he act as if everything is OK. He's a great provider and father but when he's angry he has a easy of making me feel guilty, he does like me hoping out with coworker or anyone for all that matters. I just don't know if am strong enough to keep this up he cont. To lower myself esteem but tells me he loves me he has never touched me physically but teens to tear me down emotionally I stick in there because of our children. This is how the other person came into the picture I have since stop seeing the other person because what was suppose to be a fling was becoming a bit more and he start telling me he love me this I know what not true because he had other female friends I ask that he so telling me that but he wouldn't well he text every now and than I still think about him constantly but I know in my great I have to focus on one issue at a time. I told thus long story to give a little incite as to where I'm coming from. Bottom line I'm unhappy in my Marriage and don't know if I want out he really is a good man but need to see a counselor about his anger management issue I ask but he refuse. I had never step out on my husband before but what feel good it's not always good for you this guy is no longer in the picture and hasn't been for several months actually other than the occasional text I do miss the attention and him but my situation is at home I now know that one for must closer before another opens I want nothing mite than to save my marriage but I'm still so unhappy

[Homegirl 50]

If you stay in your marriage you need to see a counselor, maybe this will help you cope with him, or if it is that bad and you are being abused, leave.
It does your kids no good to hear their father verbally and emotionally abuse their mother and to see you unhappy. You are not doing them any favors.

[Jake2008]

While things were rough at home, the children too, are suffering. You didn't mention how your situation is affecting them.

You had a little more credibility with me the first part of your post, which stated how your husband had been cheating on you, and his behaviour was less than supportive and kind, with his threats of leaving and taking the kids with him.

But, as it often happens in these types of posts, that is the buildup, or justification, for the cheating done, by the partner- you.

I see nothing to suggest that during the years things were not going well, that there were serious attempts at working through difficulties, and learning how to trust again, and not a mention of how repairing damage to the marriage, would go a long way in the emotional health of your children.

Things have not become better from what I read, anywhere along the line, and probably prior to him having the first affair. You say that he paved the way for your affair, and he would probably say the same about you.

So, let's say you're both right. Both of you allowed the marriage to deterriorate to a point where other parties are involved. Where did that get you...

The lying, cheating, arguing, now verbal abuse thrown in the mix- are you actually seeking help in repairing your marriage? Is he willing to take responsibility for his actions, and you for yours, without blaming the other? Is it possible to work through this mess?

Does it really matter, when all the explanations for why and who did what to what, are explained and justified?

What's next. What do you want, and what does he want.

Maybe a post putting more information out to say what you expect here, and what you and him are willing to do to save the marriage.

You make it sound like it's over - is it?

[confusednlove]

Jake2008 you bring up some great points and a really important question... are we over?? I actually haven't really thought about it let me think about this for a moment and I well respond to your post... wow thanks!

[confusednlove]

If you stay in your marriage you need to see a counselor, maybe this will help you cope with him, or if it is that bad and you are being abused, leave.
It does your kids no good to hear their father verbally and emotionally abuse their mother and to see you unhappy. You are not doing them any favors.

It hadn't affected them a much but I have seen a change in the middle child

[Homegirl 50]

Anytime there is friction in the home, the children feel it and are affected by it.

[confusednlove]

This is address to homegirl 50 and Jake2008 as while as other but homegirl50 to answer your questions and share more insight

This is true. While after I replied last night I laid in bed last night just thinking about your questions as to how has it affected our children. If it has its really not showing... however, the oldest that's at home she's 18 will be 19 next month... she ask me all the time "mom, why do you continue to put up with this flip flopping relationship as strong as you are". She said mom I look up to you and you tell me all the time how not to let a man or companion disrespect you any anyway and now you're not taking your own advise".

I hear her loud and clear however, she still is young and have not yet experience a real relationship and things women/mother's have to endure in order to keep the family together she don't quite understand (of course excluding physical violence). I don't want to write a novel but I do want to point out some things that people might not understand... shooo I sometime get confused I would to point out what I think makes my marriage worth saving. My spouse is a great provider, there is nothing that he probably wouldn't do to see to it that we get what we need as well as what we want. However, there lays a deeper root to this issues now I'm a neutral person and I understand there is two side to a story with one not being better than the other is the two does not intertwine.

The issue I think that we have... or to be fair I have is I feel that it is a one way relationship/marriage. He give me what I need and want and thats it!... However, as a woman I miss being around friends and just having some me time since we've been married I got rid of all of my friends male and female, I have no family here where we live and when I try to make friends but everybody that becomes an associate I can't go out with them or over to there home or even our home for that matter. Example I went out with a girlfriend of my while an associate because we had met while we were working on a project. We went out to one of the local restaurants and had one cocktail ( mind you not the rest. was exactly .75 - 1 miles away from our home). He knew I was going by the time I got to the restaurant door I got a text asking " I hope you're having a good time" I replied while I just got here we're waiting to be seated... his reply back " I hope you're having a good time spending my money while I'm at work busting my ". This is one of many example I can give you but this happens ALL THE TIME. He never likes when I want to do something for myself, he wants to be with me 24-7. When I get off of work I get a text asking me " are you off work yet" or " Have you made it home yet" of course he knows if I'm not working over which I rarely every do I got no where else to go but home. He wants to know where I am at all times. I just feel like he is smothering me. I only do the things he wants to do just to make him happy... more so just to make sure he doesn't get upset. Now why do I want it to work because I've invested so much time into this relationship repairing it as while as my heart. I just think that no matter what relationship I get into after or if this ever end would be the same thing just a different person. Everywhere we go we get compliments as to how good we look together, his family praises him and me for keeping our family together which makes me want to try. At the end of the day I'm still left with the void I love my spouse but the question I keep asking myself is I'm I still in love with him. I think I want this marriage to work more so for the kids than me. To take this a little bit further my spouse is very well in doubt and is great in bed but I have no desire to let myself go like I want. I just don't have that fizz or desire I do it just because I feel obligated to have sex with my spouse... I do sometimes but I should be able to feel it immediately. He's handsome we're both in shape and work out on a regular basis so that we can stay physically attracted to one another and I am but when we're in bed that part is gone out of the window. I know this is a lot to take in with such LITTLE details but I hope someone can grab the just of what I may be going through. Seen our last fall out he has been NOTHING but generous, kind, nice, patient, even rubbing my feet without me asking... pretty scare but the last falling out got VERY VERY heated. I don't want it to get to the point where he does put his hands or me. I want to go seek help and I may have to by myself because he will NOT go. I did suggest that he go see someone about his angry issues he stated he knows that he has an angry issue but other than that he's fine. Its almost like admitting that you are a alcoholic and not going to seek treatment. Here I go again writing a book maybe some day I will. LOL!! Is it me or what I know he's a good man but he tears me down emotionally when he doesn't get his way. SIGHHHHH! I would suggest that we spend some time apart but I know he will get enraged and through things out of proportion.

SORRY FOR THE CHAPTER... LOL

[JudyKayTee]

This is more blog and/or confession and less of a question.

What I'm reading is justifying a relationship with a married man.

In a nutshell I think you both need to talk to someone, either individually or separately. Your children are so involved in this that they are giving you advice? They are your children, not your best friends.

What am I missing?

[confusednlove]

While things were rough at home, the children too, are suffering. You didn't mention how your situation is affecting them.

You had a little more credibility with me the first part of your post, which stated how your husband had been cheating on you, and his behaviour was less than supportive and kind, with his threats of leaving and taking the kids with him.

But, as it often happens in these types of posts, that is the buildup, or justification, for the cheating done, by the partner- you.

I see nothing to suggest that during the years things were not going well, that there were serious attempts at working through difficulties, and learning how to trust again, and not a mention of how repairing damage to the marriage, would go a long way in the emotional health of your children.

Things have not become better from what I read, anywhere along the line, and probably prior to him having the first affair. You say that he paved the way for your affair, and he would probably say the same about you.

So, let's say you're both right. Both of you allowed the marriage to deterriorate to a point where other parties are involved. Where did that get you...........

The lying, cheating, arguing, now verbal abuse thrown in the mix- are you actually seeking help in repairing your marriage? Is he willing to take responsibility for his actions, and you for yours, without blaming the other? Is it possible to work through this mess?

Does it really matter, when all the explanations for why and who did what to what, are explained and justified?

What's next. What do you want, and what does he want.

Maybe a post putting more information out to say what you expect here, and what you and him are willing to do to save the marriage.

You make it sound like it's over - is it?

I guest what I'm expecting to accomplish here is opinions and or if anyone is in or has been in my shoes and what their outcome may have been. To be honest there are more moments than less that I want to be on my own but the thought of starting over hurts, I know he will get ugly with me when it comes to the kids rather I end up with them or not he can be a very nasty person when his temper get the better of him... I don't even want a divorce just sometime to see if I want in. I sit an day dream about what it would be like to be on my own. I see the good in it and then reality began to sat in LOL! I laugh just to start from crying I've never been so confused in my life. I had strength, goals, a directions when we got married but as the years go by I don't remember when I stop being me. Everything I do is for the benefit of him and the children I'm educated, have a descent career, financing two child in college and I don't have any purpose anymore. I don't know what I want anymore I gave it all up just to show him I only needed him. I'm missing friends, family, just being sociable with other females. He doesn't seem to think I need that... All we need is each. He's very controlling... Is this relationship over you ask... physically no... mentally maybe... I'm literally on auto pilot with no direction... if you can relate I'm just being the good mom and wife and that's it... I'm making everyone else happy on fumes.As far as taking responsibility as a mother and wife yes I did I did by cutting off what I knew was wrong... Him he never admitted to any of the affairs... his way of taking responsibility for his acting is not taking any at all because even when he's wrong he's right and he try to justify how red is actually yellow but for the sake of being right I always agree with him even thought I and everyone else knows that it is red. I think we are both at a point to where we are waiting for the other to say hey lets call it quits... we just don't want to hurt each other so we stay together.

[JudyKayTee]

I guest what I'm expecting to accomplish here is opinions and or if anyone is in or has been in my shoes and what their outcome may have been. To be honest there are more moments than less that I want to be on my own but the thought of starting over hurts, I know he will get ugly with me when it comes to the kids rather I end up with them or not he can be a very nasty person when his temper get the better of him.... I don't even want a divorce just sometime to see if I want in. I sit an day dream about what it would be like to be on my own. I see the good in it and then reality began to sat in LOL! I laugh just to start from crying I've never been so confused in my life. I had strength, goals, a directions when we got married but as the years go by I don't remember when I stop being me. Everything I do is for the benefit of him and the children I'm educated, have a descent career, financing two child in college and I don't have any purpose anymore. I don't know what I want anymore I gave it all up just to show him I only needed him. I'm missing friends, family, just being sociable with other females. He doesn't seem to think I need that... All we need is each. He's very controlling.... Is this relationship over you ask.... physically no.... mentally maybe... I'm literally on auto pilot with no direction... if you can relate I'm just being the good mom and wife and thats it... I'm making everyone else happy on fumes.As far as taking responsibility as a mother and wife yes I did I did by cutting off what I knew was wrong... Him he never admitted to any of the affairs... his way of taking responsibility for his acting is not taking any at all because even when he's wrong he's right and he try to justify how red is actually yellow but for the sake of being right I always agree with him even thought I and everyone else knows that it is red. I think we are both at a point to where we are waiting for the other to say hey lets call it quits.... we just don't want to hurt each other so we stay together.

I know you're upset but your spelling - well, yes, I can be a grammar/spelling snob.

I'm divorced. I looked at my situation, looked at how long I could live unhappy, weighed the options, knew we would ultimately both be hurt, stopped daydreaming and started moving.

I'm less concerned with his affair and more concerned with yours.

At some point you have to be more concerned about making yourself happy and content and less concerned about the rest of the people in your life. I know that sounds harsh but one day turns into two and three and the next thing you know you're both unhappy and 90.

And the truth of it is that there will be times when you will miss him. There's security in marriage.

[confusednlove]

I know you're upset but your spelling - well, yes, I can be a grammar/spelling snob.

I'm divorced. I looked at my situation, looked at how long I could live unhappy, weighed the options, knew we would ultimately both be hurt, stopped daydreaming and started moving.

I'm less concerned with his affair and more concerned with yours.

At some point you have to be more concerned about making yourself happy and content and less concerned about the rest of the people in your life. I know that sounds harsh but one day turns into two and three and the next thing you know you're both unhappy and 90.

And the truth of it is that there will be times when you will miss him. There's security in marriage.

JudyKayTee, I couldn't agree with you more. LOVE the saying. This is what my mother suggested. She stated how much she cared for my spouse her son-in-law and how he much of a great provider he is but we've been playing this game for 10 of the 16 years we've been together. He's cheated three times that I'm aware of and I know I was wrong but I took the bait of someone else telling me how beautiful I was, and how he made me feel so desired but prior to this I got approach by both women and men and I would say thank you for the compliment and never thought twice about it. I think when a women self esteem is so low that they have to go out of the home to have plastered (Because I now know that this was plaster the affairs at temporary fix) something is wrong. But thanks for the advice I just really feel that if I'm not happy what will happen later.

[JudyKayTee]

JudyKayTee, I couldn't agree with you more. LOVE the saying. This is what my mother suggested. She stated how much she cared for my spouse her son-in-law and how he much of a great provider he is but we've been playing this game for 10 of the 16 years we've been together. He's cheated three times that I'm aware of and I know I was wrong but I took the bait of someone else telling me how beautiful I was, and how he made me feel so desired but prior to this I got approach by both women and men and I would say thank you for the compliment and never thought twice about it. I think when a women self esteem is so low that they have to go out of the home to have plastered (Because I now know that this was plaster the affairs at temporary fix) something is wrong. But thanks for the advice I just really feel that if I'm not happy what will happen later.

Yes, it's like jumping off a roof with no safety harness. And I agree - if you were vulnerable to someone when the relationship is obviously not something you would participate in any other time it's time to look at yourself, your partner, your current relationship.

In a way - I was divorced and then widowed - a divorce is like a death. It's the end of a relationship, a life you know well. I found that when my husband died I grieved and mourned and missed him. When I divorced I kept examining myself, what did I do that I shouldn't have done, what did I not do that I should have done? Do you know what I mean?

And to this day I love my "ex." I always will. He was a HUGE part of my life for a long time. I will always miss what we once had. Obviously the relationship wasn't working or I never would have walked away. When you look back over your shoulder it's easy to remember the good parts and forget the bad. You'll go through that.

I always say I thought I had everything covered - and then one day I discovered that the garbage didn't walk out to the curb once a week. I was expected to carry it! It's the little stuff that throw you for a loop.

But you deserve to be happy.

And if he's in relationships with other women you have no idea what diseases he's bringing home to you.

[confusednlove]

Hi everyone, well for those who read my previous question "The Situation" I want to thank you for all of the feedback. While here is an update since the last post my spouse and I have not had any REAL fall outs. We've both been a lot more tentative to each other needs and wants. I'm still feeling a little uneasy because the feel that the situation has not really been dealt with it’s just at a calming stage. I'm not complaining because all is well. While, with everything seemingly on course for now he and I decided that we need to spice up our sex life... So he suggested (clearing my throat) involving another and or other people (couples). Most people would call this "ménage a trois” I call it swinging. Now I'm not completely against it but I'm not 100% with it either however, because I want my marriage to work and he already stated that he would not seek counseling I’m hearing him out. I know when people are in relationship they become bored and seek things or people outside the home to try and fill this so called void we think is missing… as we both have in the past…… but this to me is a bit extreme. We've since join a popular adult swing site just to see what it entails and to see if this is something we both would be interested in. It’s not so bad some of the people we’ve met are quite older and I was actually pretty shocked to see newlywed couples considering their love being fresh and new and yet bored already hhmmmm however my questions to all of you is 1) When a man want to do this would you think that our marriage is over? 2) Is this just his way of keep me and eating his cake too? 3) Do you think this would help or hamper what we are already trying to iron out? 4) Or did I just give him the upper hand again and allow another can of disturbance in our space. He is really enjoying this site and I notice him signing in and making some interesting comments that I really don’t agree with…. Example he replied to a couple where the wife is bisexual and she want to play with me he told her I would be interested and I never agreed to this and have never even been with another female and no offense really don’t think I would find enjoyment in it… at ALL! What now? Thanks in advance.

P.S. JudyKayTee I hope my grammar and spelling is a little better for you this time LOL!
Confusenlove

[confusednlove]

Hi everyone, well for those who read my previous question "The Situation" I want to thank you for all of the feedback. While here is an update since the last post my spouse and I have not had any REAL fall outs. We've both been a lot more tentative to each other needs and wants. I'm still feeling a little uneasy because the feel that the situation has not really been dealt with it’s just at a calming stage. I'm not complaining because all is well. While, with everything seemingly on course for now he and I decided that we need to spice up our sex life... So he suggested (clearing my throat) involving another and or other people (couples). Most people would call this "ménage a trois” I call it swinging. Now I'm not completely against it but I'm not 100% with it either however, because I want my marriage to work and he already stated that he would not seek counseling I’m hearing him out. I know when people are in relationship they become bored and seek things or people outside the home to try and fill this so called void we think is missing… as we both have in the past…… but this to me is a bit extreme. We've since join a popular adult swing site just to see what it entails and to see if this is something we both would be interested in. It’s not so bad some of the people we’ve met are quite older and I was actually pretty shocked to see newlywed couples considering their love being fresh and new and yet bored already hhmmmm however my questions to all of you is 1) When a man want to do this would you think that our marriage is over? 2) Is this just his way of keep me and eating his cake too? 3) Do you think this would help or hamper what we are already trying to iron out? 4) Or did I just give him the upper hand again and allow another can of disturbance in our space. He is really enjoying this site and I notice him signing in and making some interesting comments that I really don’t agree with…. Example he replied to a couple where the wife is bisexual and she want to play with me he told her I would be interested and I never agreed to this and have never even been with another female and no offense really don’t think I would find enjoyment in it… at ALL! What now? Thanks in advance.
P.S. JudyKayTee I hope my grammar and spelling is a little better for you this time LOL!
Confusenlove

[confusednlove]

Hi everyone, well for those who read my previous question "The Situation" I want to thank you for all of the feedback. While here is an update since the last post my spouse and I have not had any REAL fall outs. We've both been a lot more tentative to each other needs and wants. I'm still feeling a little uneasy because the feel that the situation has not really been dealt with it’s just at a calming stage. I'm not complaining because all is well. While, with everything seemingly on course for now he and I decided that we need to spice up our sex life... So he suggested (clearing my throat) involving another and or other people (couples). Most people would call this "ménage a trois” I call it swinging. Now I'm not completely against it but I'm not 100% with it either however, because I want my marriage to work and he already stated that he would not seek counseling I’m hearing him out. I know when people are in relationship they become bored and seek things or people outside the home to try and fill this so called void we think is missing… as we both have in the past…… but this to me is a bit extreme. We've since join a popular adult swing site just to see what it entails and to see if this is something we both would be interested in. It’s not so bad some of the people we’ve met are quite older and I was actually pretty shocked to see newlywed couples considering their love being fresh and new and yet bored already hhmmmm however my questions to all of you is 1) When a man want to do this would you think that our marriage is over? 2) Is this just his way of keep me and eating his cake too? 3) Do you think this would help or hamper what we are already trying to iron out? 4) Or did I just give him the upper hand again and allow another can of disturbance in our space. He is really enjoying this site and I notice him signing in and making some interesting comments that I really don’t agree with…. Example he replied to a couple where the wife is bisexual and she want to play with me he told her I would be interested and I never agreed to this and have never even been with another female and no offense really don’t think I would find enjoyment in it… at ALL! What now? Thanks in advance.

P.S. JudyKayTee I hope my grammar and spelling is a little better for you this time LOL!
Confusenlove

[JudyKayTee]

[QUOTE=confusednlove;3218715] 1) When a man want to do this would you think that our marriage is over? 2) Is this just his way of keep me and eating his cake too? 3) Do you think this would help or hamper what we are already trying to iron out? 4) Or did I just give him the upper hand again and allow another can of disturbance in our space. He is really enjoying this site and I notice him signing in and making some interesting comments that I really don’t agree with…. Example he replied to a couple where the wife is bisexual and she want to play with me he told her I would be interested and I never agreed to this and have never even been with another female and no offense really don’t think I would find enjoyment in it… at ALL! What now? Thanks in advance.[/QUOTE

(1) I don't know if your marriage is over. Mine would be. I don't share my husband well with other women. I have friends who swing. Apparently if the rules are clear from the beginning there are no "surprise" issues. (This question has been posted before and a little research will dig up the answers.)

(2) It's his way of keeping you and having sex with other people with your consent.

(3) I have no idea if it would help/hamper you. I don't happen to think that bringing any third (or fourth) party into a troubled relationship is a good idea.

(4) Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with - that includes your entire life, not just him.

I don't have a desire, never have, to have sex with another female. I can't imagine it would be enjoyable for me because it would be forced on my part. I don't know your feelings and what is or is not appropriate for you.

I've never done anything sexual that wasn't 100% comfortable for me in order to "keep" a man.

My problem with swinging is that not everyone is "safe" and/or tested. Yes, I know, they all use protection but my understanding is that they don't.

[JudyKayTee]

Hi everyone, well for those who read my previous question "The Situation" I want to thank you for all of the feedback. While here is an update since the last post my spouse and I have not had any REAL fall outs. We've both been a lot more tentative to each other needs and wants. I'm still feeling a little uneasy because the feel that the situation has not really been dealt with it’s just at a calming stage. I'm not complaining because all is well. While, with everything seemingly on course for now he and I decided that we need to spice up our sex life..... So he suggested (clearing my throat) involving another and or other people (couples). Most people would call this "ménage a trois” I call it swinging. Now I'm not completely against it but I'm not 100% with it either however, because I want my marriage to work and he already stated that he would not seek counseling I’m hearing him out. I know when people are in relationship they become bored and seek things or people outside the home to try and fill this so called void we think is missing… as we both have in the past…… but this to me is a bit extreme. We've since join a popular adult swing site just to see what it entails and to see if this is something we both would be interested in. It’s not so bad some of the people we’ve met are quite older and I was actually pretty shocked to see newlywed couples considering their love being fresh and new and yet bored already hhmmmm however my questions to all of you is 1) When a man want to do this would you think that our marriage is over? 2) Is this just his way of keep me and eating his cake too? 3) Do you think this would help or hamper what we are already trying to iron out? 4) Or did I just give him the upper hand again and allow another can of disturbance in our space. He is really enjoying this site and I notice him signing in and making some interesting comments that I really don’t agree with…. Example he replied to a couple where the wife is bisexual and she want to play with me he told her I would be interested and I never agreed to this and have never even been with another female and no offense really don’t think I would find enjoyment in it… at ALL! What now? Thanks in advance.

P.S. JudyKayTee I hope my grammar and spelling is a little better for you this time LOL!
Confusenlove

It would help if you'd post once - I thought my answer was lost and retyped half of it, only to find out you have two active threads on the same subject.