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NiJaBr · Jul 5, 2012, 07:26 AM

I just started to date this man, just over a month or so. He has been apart from his ex for almost two years now and they have two children together, they were together on and off for 14 years.

His ex texts and calls him constantly, she gives him a hard time about the kids (getting them, not getting them), She needs this and that, he sees the kids about three times during the week for sports (she is there as well)... She makes crude and nasty comments about me (I have never met her), she calls in the middle of the night and texts him all day while he is at work. She calls him names and puts him down.

I have met the children, and my kids and I get along great with them... and he and I also get along great as well, we have a lot of fun together.

He has told me that she is a jealous, spiteful person... My worry is that she will come between us or that he will go back to her...
I don't get involved between them, I let him vent to me, but that is as far as I get involved with the two of them.

Any suggestions or thoughts on this would be appreciated... I am a tad concerned.

123blah · Jul 5, 2012, 09:58 AM

Get a restraining order

NiJaBr · Jul 5, 2012, 10:01 AM

The calls are not towards me... they are to him, I have never met or talked with her

slapshot_oi · Jul 5, 2012, 11:03 AM

I'm with 123blah. Although she is contacting him, it is disrupting your life, for example, calling in the middle of the night.

Talk to a lawyer.

NiJaBr · Jul 5, 2012, 11:49 AM

I think that is not an avenue to go down yet as this relationship is quite new... In time I will have to discuss with him if this continues.

I just don't understand what she is trying to accomplish, she is making herself out to be quite the nut job.

C0bra_M3nace · Jul 5, 2012, 11:53 AM

That's the kicker, she doesn't care what she's doing and she obviously doesn't care what you think either, she's only interested in him. She might not even be coming off as a nut job to him, this might be completely normal behavior for her, maybe even the reason she's his ex.

The balls in his court, this isn't your game to play if you aren't going to step in and do anything about it.

NiJaBr · Jul 5, 2012, 11:57 AM

Originally Posted by C0bra_M3nace

That's the kicker, she doesn't care what she's doing and she obviously doesn't care what you think either, she's only interested in him. She might not even be coming off as a nut job to him, this might be completely normal behavior for her, maybe even the reason she's his ex.

The balls in his court, this isn't your game to play if you aren't going to step in and do anything about it.

Oh this is one of the reasons he is no longer with her... and I stay out of it, I just listen when he vents about her, it is just upsetting that she is as nasty as she is, and she is saying things about me... bottom line though, when I have spent the weekend with their kids, they go home happy and wanting to come back... maybe that is the problem

C0bra_M3nace · Jul 5, 2012, 12:10 PM

Originally Posted by NiJaBr

Oh this is one of the reasons he is no longer with her...and I stay out of it, I just listen when he vents about her, it is just upsetting that she is as nasty as she is, and she is saying things about me...bottom line though, when I have spent the weekend with their kids, they go home happy and wanting to come back....maybe that is the problem

You're probably right with that one, I know I would be pretty mad if my kids were enjoying the company of my ex's new partner.

The best thing you can do is just take a deep breath, be the better person and try to ignore it as much as you can. Hopefully there is a point where he draws the line and puts and end to it, or you're going to have to yourself.

slapshot_oi · Jul 5, 2012, 12:13 PM

Originally Posted by NiJaBr

I think that is not an avenue to go down yet as this relationship is quite new...In time I will have to discuss with him if this continues.

Okay...

I have two other suggestions: 1) learn to deal with it because this likely won't end soon, or 2) leave the relationship and date a man who doesn't let his ex harass him.

My opinion: go with option 2. He ought to take control here, and he's not.

NiJaBr · Jul 5, 2012, 12:14 PM

Originally Posted by C0bra_M3nace

You're probably right with that one, I know I would be pretty mad if my kids were enjoying the company of my ex's new partner.

The best thing you can do is just take a deep breath, be the better person and try to ignore it as much as you can. Hopefully there is a point where he draws the line and puts and end to it, or you're going to have to yourself.

By no means am I trying to be their mother, but I do want a decent, happy and healthy relationship with them, as I being with their father and all.

I do ignore it, and I try not to let it bug me, but it just all seems so childish... and yes, he will have to put his foot down one day and say enough is enough.

C0bra_M3nace · Jul 5, 2012, 12:16 PM

I never said you were, but if she's immature enough to act like this, she's most definitely thinking that you're trying to be their mother.

NiJaBr · Jul 5, 2012, 12:20 PM

Originally Posted by C0bra_M3nace

I never said you were, but if she's immature enough to act like this, she's most definately thinking that you're trying to be their mother.

No, I never thought that is what you implied... I was just saying that is not my objective, and if anything, I think she would be happy that her kids come home happy and excited from a good weekend, I would hate to think that these kids need to bite their tongue because of their Mom's attitude.
I'm a mother myself and if my kids went to their Dad's and came home happy... what would I have to be angry about... It's about the kids, and I think she is forgetting that.

NiJaBr · Jul 6, 2012, 05:48 AM

I have some trust issues, I have been taken advantage of a lot, and have been in some not so good relationships.
My question is how do I handle this going into something new?
I just started dating a guy, I have met his mother, his daughters, I spend weekends and sometimes during the week with him... but I am still waiting for him to screw me over... I try my best not to let that surface, but he has picked up on my moods when these plague my thoughts... I'm driving myself crazy!!

I wish · Jul 6, 2012, 07:57 AM

Sounds more like you're not ready for a relationship. So why are you rushing into one? Before you can commit to someone else, you have to be more securea about yourself.

Furthermore, if you have such an insecurity issue, you should definitely be spending more time getting to know the other person before you fully commit to them.

NiJaBr · Jul 6, 2012, 08:17 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

Sounds more like you're not ready for a relationship. So why are you rushing into one? Before you can commit to someone else, you have to be more securea about yourself.

Furthermore, if you have such an insecurity issue, you should definitely be spending more time getting to know the other person before you fully commit to them.

I agree, and we are taking it slow... I have been single for almost 5 years, and have dated within that time but nothing serious... I really like this man, and I am afraid of getting hurt again... Like I said, I have had some bad relationships and my insecurities stem from the men I trusted betraying me.
I want to learn to realize that not all men are the same, and that there is good men out there... which I feel I am experiencing right now

NiJaBr · Jul 17, 2012, 07:03 AM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Okay...

I have two other suggestions: 1) learn to deal with it because this likely won't end soon, or 2) leave the relationship and date a man who doesn't let his ex harass him.

My opinion: go with option 2. He ought to take control here, and he's not.

I think the harassment is new for him as I'm the first girl he has gotten serious about since they split, I think he needs to reach his point when enough is enough.

talaniman · Jul 17, 2012, 07:59 AM

I think you have hit on your own solution.Go slow and pay attention to how he handles his business, as you date and learn more about this fellow. Its perfectly natural to be carried away by good feelings at the beginning of the dating process, I think we all do. But no matter how good things are going, or the fun, its important to keep a proper perspective, and balance as you learn more.

He has ex issues, and probably they have their own way of interacting you don't understand, so stay alert, and keep it real, and don't ignore the red flag of how their behavior affects YOU, as you date this fellow.

A month is way to soon to count on anything but having fun getting to know each other, so I like your plan to go slowly, and see how things develop, but just be alert, and not just brush off what you find out as you move forward because the thrill of good luck at dating can blind you to many things.

I think that's where the trust issues really come from as you have not been together long enough to build trust, and anyone in their right mind would be cautious if an ex, especially a crazy jealous one, who is also a baby mama, and really long term to boot, is involved heavily in the guy you are dating.

Don't panic, it's a learning period, especially for HER, as she is use to unlimited access to him, and for HIM, if he hasn't dated much since the split. Call me old fashion, but if you are already having sex, and spending week ends, met family and friends, that's not going slowly, its forming that hard to break attachments, both physically, emotionally, and mentally, that can confuse all your senses.

After only a month, you ignore the ex completely, but respect the bond they have until more than a dating commitment is established,or develops. I understand it feels real,and strong with high hopes,and great potential. BUT its only been a month, and to soon for commitment, or panic, but the perfect time to enjoy and learn. Like I say,don't get carried away by feelings,and ignore facts. Easier said than done, but trust me,

Too much, too fast, crash,and burn,

And I think you are way ahead of yourself already. Your heart and head say caution, I think you should listen.

NiJaBr · Jul 17, 2012, 10:53 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I think you have hit on your own solution.Go slow and pay attention to how he handles his business, as you date and learn more about this fellow. Its perfectly natural to be carried away by good feelings at the beginning of the dating process, I think we all do. But no matter how good things are going, or the fun, its important to keep a proper perspective, and balance as you learn more.

He has ex issues, and probably they have their own way of interacting you don't understand, so stay alert, and keep it real, and don't ignore the red flag of how their behavior affects YOU, as you date this fellow.

A month is way to soon to count on anything but having fun getting to know each other, so I like your plan to go slowly, and see how things develop, but just be alert, and not just brush off what you find out as you move forward because the thrill of good luck at dating can blind you to many things.

I think thats where the trust issues really come from as you have not been together long enough to build trust, and anyone in their right mind would be cautious if an ex, especially a crazy jealous one, who is also a baby mama, and really long term to boot, is involved heavily in the guy you are dating.

Don't panic, its a learning period, especially for HER, as she is use to unlimited access to him, and for HIM, if he hasn't dated much since the split. Call me old fashion, but if you are already having sex, and spending week ends, met family and friends, thats not going slowly, its forming that hard to break attachments, both physically, emotionally, and mentally, that can confuse all your senses.

After only a month, you ignore the ex completely, but respect the bond they have until more than a dating commitment is established,or develops. I understand it feels real,and strong with high hopes,and great potential. BUT its only been a month, and to soon for commitment, or panic, but the perfect time to enjoy and learn. like I say,don't get carried away by feelings,and ignore facts. Easier said than done, but trust me,

Too much, too fast, crash,and burn,

And I think you are way ahead of yourself already. Your heart and head say caution, I think you should listen.

Thank you so much for the advice... I appreciate it :)