[emilyb799]

My mom just died April 14th 2012, I'm 19. I've have a horrible horrible horrible life... my mom was my rock but she had so many mental disorders she wasn't my mom anymore and me and my brother got taken away when we were 14 and 14... she was an alcoholic, and she tried committing suicide in front of so many times, our dad is a junkie and he doesn't talk to us, my grandma lives 3 hours from me. I had to quit my job (that I loved) because I have anxiety disorder since I was in foster care at least that's when my symptoms were obvious... actually my symptoms started after I came home from school and there was blood all over my ex ex step dad's house and my mom was already at the state hospital and we had to go live with our dad when we were 11 and he hated the crap out of us, we stayed there until I was about 13.. then he kicked me out. And from then on I was into drugs and drinking. I've been sober since Feb 21st 2011. Except I drank wine and controlled myself on my birthday jan 19. IDK what to do.. my anxiety makes it hard to believe in heaven no matter how many times I'm told that... and I inhereted my moms anxiety... I miss her so ing much. She always told me I was her babygirl even when she beat me up.. I don't know if I'm going crazy or if I dealing with this well... I always feel like I'm going to stop breathing and I'm depressed... and I need a job but I can't concentrate on anything... PLEASE HELP!

[smoothy]

my mom just died april 14th 2012, i'm 19. i've have a horrible horrible horrible life... my mom was my rock but she had so many mental disorders she wasn't my mom anymore and me and my brother got taken away when we were 14 and 14... she was an alcoholic, and she tried committing suicide in front of so many times, our dad is a junkie and he doesn't talk to us, my grandma lives 3 hours from me. i had to quit my job (that i loved) because i have anxiety disorder since i was in foster care atleast that's when my symptoms were obvious...actually my symptoms started after i came home from school and there was blood all over my ex ex step dad's house and my mom was already at the state hospital and we had to go live with our dad when we were 11 and he hated the crap out of us, we stayed there until i was about 13.. then he kicked me out. and from then on i was into drugs and drinking. i've been sober since Feb 21st 2011. except i drank wine and controlled myself on my birthday jan 19. IDK what to do.. my anxiety makes it hard to believe in heaven no matter how many times i'm told that... and i inhereted my moms anxiety... i miss her so ing much. she always told me i was her babygirl even when she beat me up.. idk if im going crazy or if i dealing with this well... i always feel like im going to stop breathing and i'm depressed...and i need a job but i can't concentrate on anything...PLEASE HELP!

Its only been a few months... its going to take time. You aren't ever going to forget... but it does eventually get easier with time. Perhaps some counseling is in order.

[joypulv]

Yes, counseling. If you can't pay, start with churches or local clinics.
I have a little theory about being unable to get out of grief. Grief of course is normal and runs a course of some amount of time that varies. But eventually (a year or more?) if you are unable to function, if you can't even decide which shoe to put on first in the morning, then it's more than grief. And that emotion is usually guilt, and the guilt usually is a mask for anger. Your mother called you her baby while beating the crap out of you? Then you have mixed feelings, right? That's what most of us have, but it's a matter of degree. Your anger runs a heck of a lot deeper than most, and your love probably runs deeper too, what with all the horrible alternatives you had to her. So... you need to work out that love-hate and the guilt that comes from hating someone, especially when they die.
My best wishes to you in this. At least you are here!