[backpack2389]

My boyfriend and I are in our mid-twenties and have been together for almost five years. During the second year in our relationship, I walked in on him masturbating to video pornography. Up until that time, I had genuinely thought that explicit video pornography was reserved for sexual deviants and not something that the average person uses. Hence, when it happened I didn't know how to respond and put the whole thing out of my mind.

Since then, I genuinely hadn't given the issue any thought until a couple of months ago when I saw my boyfriend's computer on the bed next to a box of tissues. When I flipped up the screen there was a POV pornographic video of a woman pretending to give him a blow job. At which point he walked over and closed the computer. I tried to talk about it then but he didn't want to. A couple weeks later when I used the computer another pornographic website was in the url bar. At that point, I decided to snoop (wrong, I know) and have since found a stash of pornography on his computer and external hard drive. He also seems to regularly visit websites.

I have always found pornography offensive and now that my boyfriend is regularly using it, I feel hurt and disgusted by it. From the dates on his files, he has been consistently downloading pornography throughout our relationship. What's more is that I have often felt sexually neglected by him, having to practically beg for that kind of attention and frequently getting turned down. Until now, I have never been angry with him because I loved him and I didn't want my concerns to cause him to feel inadequate, less masculine, etc. I would be upset about the porn anyway, but now that I know he has always regularly used it, I’m starting to wonder if this isn’t reducing his interested in me and that is making me somewhat angry about our sex life.

At any rate, I explained my feelings to him, making sure not to attack or pressure, and he agreed, without me asking, to no longer use video porn. To support him, I gave him a Playboy (I don't mind pictures, only the videos because the videos are so explicit). However, I was on his computer last week and saw that he had been searching for more porn. He claims not to have but everything is dated. I have been to a multitude of discussion boards and advice websites, and consulted some friends, but cannot seem to decide how to feel or approach the issue. Much of what I have read says that I need to just accept his use of porn, however, I think that this sad. Women should not be told they have to accept men who feel like their girlfriend's/wife's feelings matter less than their 'masturbation enhancers.' Perhaps I am living in the wrong time (either too early or too late, who’s to say which was or will be better) to expect such respect but I think it is entirely fair.

I want this relationship to work (we are actually discussing marriage) but I don’t want to accept the video pornography. Your perspective?

[fairytail]

Well even while you were involved phsically he was still watching and downloading porn.so when you marry him do you seriously believe that will change? Absoleutely not... even in a very serious relationship guys still enjoy to watch porn and its normal... but if your boyfriend is addicted to it then its not... in a relationship to work people do sacrifice but nothing should be forced... this should come out of love... and I would say that your boyfriend even lied to you... maybe you are being a little too judgemental or may be he's addicted... try to find the real answer... also try to relax and not feel bad about it or if it is a problem then have a final talk and if it doesn't works out then move on

[talaniman]

This is but a test of how well you two can work together through honest communications if you can resolve your issues to the benefit of you both. We all have flaws, none of us is perfect, so keep an open mind and talk to each other and see if its an acceptable compromise.

Just as he should respect your feelings, so must you respect his. So start talking, NOT demanding, judging, or making threats or playing games. All these things fail, and make things worse so just tal, and be willing to listen.

Its okay if things don't happen immediately, just keep working at it. Personally, within reason you should respect his privacy, and not make this about JUST you, or what you think you are missing.

Generally a lack of sex is about other areas of your lives that have problems and if you are distracted by taking this personally, then you will miss the REAL problem to be solved and make the conflict worse and produce nothing but anger, resentments, and LIES!

Talk honestly, and LISTEN with an open mind. Get facts before you act. And don't rush to judge because of just feelings. Are you against masturbation, or HBO movies? You have been together 5 years and now this is an issue?? Something is off here, and its more than just porn.

[WisperWill70]

I have posted many other responses about porn and how porn isn't something that men intend to demean or insult the woman they love, how it's not about YOU or how much they love you or find you attractive (it's normal/healthy to fantasize and men are visually stimulated). Many women enjoy porn or even romance novels (have you ever imagined sexy scenes in your mind?) I'm not even going to go there this time. Instead I'm going to tell you something you will need to know about this relationship which will apply to more than just porn: (whether it's what he does with his body or his views about life)

You can't change someone's nature, behaviour or choices -- and you're heading down a slippery slope of expectation if you think that's ANY of your business. You can "He should" until you're blue in the face and it still doesn't change the fact that you can't impose your ideology on someone else. If you try to hammer someone else to your will -- you might temporarily succeed out of fear that you'll leave them or withdraw your very conditional love... but in the end they will lie, slip back into old behaviours and/or resent you. Is that what you want your relationship to feel like?

Communicate - have the intention to love (and assume love) with your partner and start thinking about how your way isn't the only way... and it has nothing to do with "Well if he loved me enough he'd know that my wants are more important than his" (which is EXACTLY what you're saying) - That's not love at all.

Accept him (and change your thoughts about porn) or leave him. Those are your choices.

[backpack2389]

I have to disagree with you. Perhaps you can't change someone's inherent nature, but people can change their choices and behaviors. Long time smokers are capable of quitting as are alcoholics capable of sobering up. Therefore, I do believe that changes can be made. And I don't think this is an addiction so it is do-able.

You have also made it sound like I delivered an ultimatum which is not what happened. I tried to talk about with him, figure out what it is that he's getting from the pornography. When I began the discussion, he volunteered to give it up (I had never even asked anything of the like nor implied that it was necessary for us to be together and be happy.) I simply wanted to open a discussion about it. Make it not secretive and see if we could work with it. I also just wanted to see if maybe there wasn't something he was wanting but was afraid to discuss with me.

Furthermore, I'm not hammering away at him demanding drastic changes. As I said, I tried to talk about it (I wasn't angry, confrontational or blaming him in any way). I would prefer for him to never look at another woman of course, but it is male and female nature to think of other people sexually. Thus even though I don't like the magazines, I do want him to be happy so I went with magazines as a compromise. I really don't think my wants are any more important than his (evidenced by the bit of sexual history I outlined).

I have changed my thoughts about porn to the point when I can accept the magazines and he can do whatever he wants with those and I won't be upset. But why can't he meet me part of the way too and think "okay, I could give up the videos." Besides, you just said people don't change. So why should it be any more plausible that I would change to accept video pornography if you're saying he can't change to using only magazines? Why do you think him changing isn't a realistic option?

[WisperWill70]

People can change... but *you* cannot change them or ask them to change. The only person you can change or have control over is you. You're rationalizing your desire to change and control him "just a little" (only magazines?) because you weren't angry or confrontational but you're still being controlling and expecting him to modify his behaviour because of your irrational fear that porn has something to do with you. You are still inserting yourself into something that is his own private "alone" time which for some reason you want to be involved in (let's discuss! Let's compromise! Let's not have this be a secret so I can be involved in it) because it helps you feel in control of his sexuality.

You don't have to be an accusatory wild woman to be controlling... the mere fact that you have a negative emotional reaction to his private personal business is enough. He may try to change himself because he loves you - but he shouldn't have to change himself out of fear and doing this always leads to resentment or lying (watch and see!) later on.

Porn doesn't take away from his sexual attraction to you or his feelings -- it's just something guys do and it's a way to release tension - it's his body and his private sexuality. You have yours, he has his. Porn might help him feel closer to you and having his personal "Alone" time is healthy. On the other hand, fighting about porn, discussing it and you making him responsible for your happiness is not something that brings him closer.

Don't worry about porn being some scary thing that means he's fantasizing about other women or wishing you were more like the porn. That's not what happens. You're in control of your thoughts about what "porn" means and whether to be threatened by it. If you are confident you don't need to control him or worry about this topic.

Because he can't share this idea that pictures are better than videos - in the long run he won't stick to your "compromise" it makes no sense. Why should he? That would be the same as if he said you could read romance novels but not watch romantic television shows --- wouldn't you find that ridiculous - right?

[WisperWill70]

Also... how would you feel if someone tried to be involved in a committee meeting about how YOU spent your fantasy time... wanting to know what you were up to, what you were using, what you were thinking about and letting you know what was OK and what wasn't OK with them.

?

Just typing that out feels wrong!

[backpack2389]

This isn't really a committee meeting and I'm not trying to have people tell me what should and shouldn't be okay behavior for my boyfriend to engage in. I just wanted to find a way to see things from a perspective I might otherwise not. And I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. If he really feels like he can't or shouldn't give that up, then that's fine. It would be really painful to hear him say that and afterward I would have to make some decisions about us.

Yet I see a compromise as fair. Being in a relationship of any kind means that you aren't doing things always as you want, or independently. If we never worried about making the other person happy, then relationships would never work. No matter how good a match a couple might be, there will always be something that they have to discuss or work out. And so maybe porn is it's own unique individual activity where people don't ever discuss problems surrounding it. It's only the things not related to pornography that we should discuss? I really feel as though you aren't so much offering me potential solutions as you are telling me I'm wrong for having my feelings hurt that he has vivid imaginary sex with other women. Or is it just that I told him it makes me sad?

Perhaps it would help you to understand my perspective when I say I don't read romance novels and while I do look at other men and think "wow, he has a nice smile or great body" or some such thing, I don't sexually fantasize about other people. I also do not masturbate. These things come from being raised in a conservative fashion and I intentionally did not include them when I first wrote because I figured the automatic response would be that I'm frigid (when, in fact, I have been nothing but willing).

Also, just because someone is doing something during their alone time, that doesn't mean that it's always okay. And, returning to the earlier point, that being in a relationship means that you can't just shut people out of things and say "that's mine alone." Otherwise (I state again) it's not a relationship.

I would never force him to change. I would never demand he give it up or I'll leave or never have sex again or any such thing. I wouldn't want him to make that decision out of fear. I would, however, be happy if he makes that decision because he realizes that okay, fine, maybe to him it's just a fantasy (a way to get his desire to have sex with other women out without actually doing it or however the use of porn is explained) but that it genuinely hurts me. And still your idea that either the porn is accepted or the relationship ends is a way of forcing me to make a decision is it not? I guess you see me as the problem here but from my perspective the problem is the porn.

[talaniman]

The problem is how the BOTH of you resolve your issues. Doesn't matter what the issue is, its still up to the two of you. It may take years. When you stop talking, listening and working, THEN its over. Till then, keep talking and be good to each other.

This is only as big a deal as you make it, or until a bigger one comes along. Stay willing to talk/listen with an open mind. You're both on a journey, together, or apart, you can only talk to know which it will be.

[WisperWill70]

1) porn is not the problem -- it can only be a problem if you allow it to be (You say he loves you and has a healthy relationship with you, attends to his daily life and doesn't have an addiction) - its your thoughts and beliefs about porn that cause you pain. If it wasn't a big deal to you -- you could assume Love and know your hubby loved you, you'd move on to making dinner, having talks about important things, and growing closer. God forbid your hubby would die tomorrow, - would "porn" be the first thing on your mind in remembrance of your bond?

2)

"I don't sexually fantasize about other people. I also do not masturbate. These things come from being raised in a conservative fashion "

--- That's fine, -- but realise that not everyone shares this viewpoint about their bodies and your hubby obviously does not. Are you projecting your upbringing on to him?

3) YES! There are things that are "mine alone" in a healthy relationship! When I said "committee meeting" I meant you and he... simply put; -you are involving yourself in what he does with his own private fantasy life and masturbatory habits. You think just because you're a spouse you are privy to every aspect of his life and can dictate that magazines are OK but videos aren't; - that's unhealthy. Partners share with one another, trust each-other implicitly with the deepest part of their beings but there are some things that are only his and only yours. It's normal for people to have a little private fantasy that they do not share with their mates. You can talk about those things with each other, he may be very interested in talking and even sharing this part of his life.. but you should not think it's your right to moderate his private guy-time.

4)

" It's only the things not related to pornography that we should discuss? "

Discussing anything and everything in a relationship is a good idea - it's GREAT! That's how we learn and bond. By all means keep communicating. But there's a difference between being open to learn about your partner's views and experience when you communicate and only being willing to share what you want them to do, think and be. One is open and the other is controlling. For example; - how do you know he's having "imaginary sex with other women" by looking at porn? I've seen porn and never once was I imagining replacing my spouse or taking part in the action. Have you asked what porn means to him? Are you willing to hear a version of reality that isn't yours? Unless you're willing to see his side of things and not just how he's hurting you by not doing what you want.

5)

"And still your idea that either the porn is accepted or the relationship ends is a way of forcing me to make a decision is it not?"

A relationship asks you to make a decision to love your partner and assume they love you at every hour of the day. You accept the porn, or you have conflict and distance. It's as simple as that. If you can't live with porn... then you have to find someone who shares your viewpoint. You're the one who said that if hubby didn't want to give up porn,

"If he really feels like he can't or shouldn't give that up, then that's fine. It would be really painful to hear him say that and afterward I would have to make some decisions about us"

'decisions about us' implies that if you don't get your way you'll withdraw yourself because you didn't get your way.

[TrueFaith]

Hmm at the end of the day it's down to how you feel.. And this is making you upset. I can't say that you getting upset about this is nothing! Because it wouldn't upset me... Tha would be projecting.

So. Tell your boyfriend how you feel.. Really feel don't be so diplomatic make a point see if the two of you can work this out together as a couple..
If not then I would change the relationship to someone who has a similar understanding of your sexual views

You have a lot of good advice on here.. Instead of going back and forth with us.. Talk to your boy.

[backpack2389]

Thanks for all of the advice. I'll keep it in mind when we talk (which, if he's willing, will be soon).

If anybody else has anymore to add, I would have course welcome the help.

[WisperWill70]

Thanks for all of the advice. I'll keep it in mind when we talk (which, if he's willing, will be soon).

If anybody else has anymore to add, I would of course welcome the help.

Back a few posts I said that talking is the best thing to do in any relationship about anything and everything... with the caveat that you want to be open to learn instead of controlling. My tip is this then;

When you talk to your hubby, - instead of talking about how nude magazines are OK and videos are off limits, etc. etc. or re-expressing how hurt and upset and disturbed porn makes you, be open to listen and learn. "I'm upset, you should x,y,z," closes your partner off EVEN if they really do care. Sometimes the skill of active and engaged listening creates more understanding and more commonality than each person defending their position in an argument. If my partner wanted to talk about something upsetting them I'd respond better to, "I don't want to make you feel bad, I care about you -- so I want to learn what your feelings are on this topic and i want to understand where you're coming from."

It's better to question his meaning in an answer (if you don't understand) than to ASSUME what he's feeling or thinking about the experience. Ask questions instead. Aim to learn. Sometimes it's difficult to listen if we feel defensiveness or strong emotions coming out of our partner --- but try not to take words personally (what they feel might not be rational in the moment!) rationalizing or discussing or hashing things out logically sometimes doesn't work as well as not taking things personally and simply listening. Logical conclusions and action plans can happen later.

This is more constructive way to get through problems than trying to "solve" an issue or change someone's feelings or opinions. This approach will let you both understand each other more and communicate about hurdles or areas of hurt.

(this goes for him listening to YOUR side of things... instead of trying to make things better or fixing things, him listening is more important, -without taking what you say personally) You can talk about how you feel too.

You might learn something about what scares you. Men don't look at porn because their partner isn't good enough and it doesn't have anything to do with how willing you are to have sex. Guy's need alone time too! Even if you're "willing" all the time... your responsibility isn't to be the be-all-end-all of your hubby's interior sexual self... your upbringing might have taught you that sex is bad or that masturbation is bad/sinful, so maybe through communication you can widen your perspectives to include his, and his can widen to include an understanding of yours.

[daniigurl]

My boyfriend and I are in our mid-twenties and have been together for almost five years. During the second year in our relationship, I walked in on him masturbating to video pornography. Up until that time, I had genuinely thought that explicit video pornography was reserved for sexual deviants and not something that the average person uses. Hence, when it happened I didn't know how to respond and put the whole thing out of my mind.

Since then, I genuinely hadn't given the issue any thought until a couple of months ago when I saw my boyfriend's computer on the bed next to a box of tissues. When I flipped up the screen there was a POV pornographic video of a woman pretending to give him a blow job. At which point he walked over and closed the computer. I tried to talk about it then but he didn't want to. A couple weeks later when I used the computer another pornographic website was in the url bar. At that point, I decided to snoop (wrong, I know) and have since found a stash of pornography on his computer and external hard drive. He also seems to regularly visit websites.

I have always found pornography offensive and now that my boyfriend is regularly using it, I feel hurt and disgusted by it. From the dates on his files, he has been consistently downloading pornography throughout our relationship. What's more is that I have often felt sexually neglected by him, having to practically beg for that kind of attention and frequently getting turned down. Until now, I have never been angry with him because I loved him and I didn't want my concerns to cause him to feel inadequate, less masculine, etc., I would be upset about the porn anyway, but now that I know he has always regularly used it, I’m starting to wonder if this isn’t reducing his interested in me and that is making me somewhat angry about our sex life.

At any rate, I explained my feelings to him, making sure not to attack or pressure, and he agreed, without me asking, to no longer use video porn. To support him, I gave him a Playboy (I don't mind pictures, only the videos because the videos are so explicit). However, I was on his computer last week and saw that he had been searching for more porn. He claims not to have but everything is dated. I have been to a multitude of discussion boards and advice websites, and consulted some friends, but cannot seem to decide how to feel or approach the issue. Much of what I have read says that I need to just accept his use of porn, however, I think that this sad. Women should not be told they have to accept men who feel like their girlfriend's/wife's feelings matter less than their 'masturbation enhancers.' Perhaps I am living in the wrong time period (either too early or too late, who’s to say which was or will be better) to expect such respect but I think it is entirely fair.

I want this relationship to work (we are actually discussing marriage) but I don’t want to accept the video pornography. Your perspective?

Porn can cause a lot of issues in a relationship, however, you can spin it and actually make it into something that can cause a lot of greatness in a relationship. Perhaps your boyfriend is feeling bored with his sex life, no offense to you, it happens to people regardless of gender and it doesn't necessarily mean he no longer is interested in you sexually. Try getting into it yourself, personally I love to watch porn (and I'm a woman!), and through out my dating life my boyfriends have always been taken aback by it, but never turned down the idea of watching it with me, and when you figure out the types of porn he likes, you can portray some of those fantasies and it can actually make your sex life pretty down right amazing. Be a bit more open minded to it, try to get him to share his fantasies with you, and even if you're not into what he's into, don't make him feel bad about it. Ask him when things are hot and heavy to tell you the things he likes, some guys are very uncomfortable with the concept of masturbation and porn, my partner REFUSES to talk about masturbation, thinks its awkward and makes him entirely uncomfortable, though I am an open book with it and have no problem sharing those things with him. Try not to take it personally either that he watches porn, every guy does, I wouldn't dare believe a single one if they told me they didn't. When I found my boyfriends porn stash I was ecstatic, actually sifted through it and found some stuff I liked as well. He shouldn't neglect you sexually. As women have sexual needs too, however its not all of his responsibility to keep the fire lit. Maybe buy some sexy lingerie and ask him to put on some of his favorite videos while you go down on him or ride him. Porn is all about fantasy. The videos -i- watch, I would never in a million years ever actually DO that stuff, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be fun to talk about with my boyfriend or partially live out with him;) Five years is a decent amount of time, girlie, go the distance and try to get into what he's into. See if it helps, I bet you it will!

[backpack2389]

I am not so much writing this because I need to ask a question (although I will of course read and consider responses) but because I need a place to vent my frustration. A month or so ago I posted a question on here about my boyfriend's porn use. A few people responded, mostly telling me that the situation had no happy resolution for me, only him. I was also basically told I was a control freak and that I could not expect any change from him. My options were to accept his behavior or leave. He goes on his merry way doing what he wants just because he wants to, or I just give up on our relationship. No compromise, no change, nothing required on his part. Since then, I have tried to discuss the porn with my boyfriend but he just doesn't want to. Any time I ask a question, he lies. I am surprised by how coldly and easily he lies to me and have completely lost trust in him.

In general, I also am crushed by the attitudes out there regarding porn use and partners. Porn should be fine as long as you're with a person that doesn't have a problem with it, but I do have a problem with it. And, after all of the research that I have read, I'm convinced I have good reason to be upset. From articles I’ve consulted it seems that porn use dulls your chemical, physical reactions to your mate. It reduces the release of chemicals that trigger the feelings of ‘love’ that we associate with sex. These are ‘feel good’ chemicals, many of the same ones that are released when people use drugs, which is why porn can become an addiction. Other research articles which I have read found that porn users, male and female, have reduced feelings of commitment, look at other potential mates more, are more likely to stray, and are less satisfied with and more critical of their current partners, whether long term or not. That research does seem to have a few problems, one major one being whether cause and effect can be clearly defined, but its findings are still worrisome.

To be fair, I also looked at research that evaluated the benefits of
Porn use. Porn is good for an ailing sexual relationship where a little spice needs to be added in the form of watching others have sex to get aroused or where the porn might inspire new sex acts. Porn also tends to make regular viewers feel more confident about their own performance and leads to more positive and permissive attitudes regarding sex. But aside from these aspects/cases, it seems to be bad for relationships.

When my boyfriend found out that I was doing this research he had a fit. He didn’t even consider for a second that his lack of willingness to communicate or work with me left me few options to deal with this problem (and it is a huge problem for me). If he wants me to deal with this on my own, that’s fine, but he needs to let me do it the way I see as most helpful. I’m a researcher so this was naturally a place I turned. I also wanted to take opinion out of the mix as much as possible, and rely on fact. If the research had told me that porn was good for our relationship or at the very least, not bad, then that would have been a huge step toward changing my opinion into what he wants it to be.

Aside from conducting research and attempting discussion, I have also tried to make porn not so secretive. I read a lot about couples watching porn together and, while I don’t get enjoy porn, I thought maybe I would see the appeal if we watched it together. I am aroused by him and seeing him enjoying it, maybe that would do something for me or make it sexual for me? When I made the simple suggestion that we watch one together, not necessarily have sex with one on, but just watch, he was furious. He was basically saying that he didn’t know why I wanted to watch it, didn’t think I should watch it. I told him that I thought it might be fun to do together, and he just gave me a disgusted look. Conversation (if you can call it that) over.

I feel like I have tried just about everything to save our five year relationship but he just won’t compromise on the porn and is upset that I have any feelings about it whatsoever. The only way I can eliminate the hurt feelings and anger that I have over the porn use, is to convince myself I don’t love him. The porn is naked women doing dirty things for money and only money. He will never meet them, they don’t love him and they will never interact or even see him. But they seem to be more important to him than I am. Unfortunately that seems to be the case for a lot of men using porn when it becomes a problem in their relationship. They tell themselves and each other they shouldn’t give it up or compromise to using less graphic material (like I tried). It seems they see no good reason to quit (it’s not like your girlfriend, wife is really that great anyway), and are even insulted by the notion. I can’t help but think, “why shouldn’t you give it up and expect to?” It’s bad for your relationship with another human being, a person with whom you are supposed to be closest in life, and you refuse?

I hate him for this and am seriously thinking about quitting our relationship. In fact, I have already been searching for other places to live. I would ask if I am wrong, and am tempted to, but I think my feelings have pushed me beyond doubt. I can’t be with a man who has so little respect for me and our relationship. And the only conclusion I can reach from all of this is not that the porn means so much (because how could it? It’s empty), but that I must mean so little to him.

[mandi1106]

There is no good advice anyone can give, but I understand your struggle :( you'll find happiness with or without him, but anyone would prefer to work things out and stay together

[acension1]

it's a tough situation, I think he's addicted and just like cocaine any kind of addictions is hard to let go, obviously so if your no longer happy break up, who knows it may be a rude awakening for him and he may quit porn and come back to you... but it's a tough one =( sorry to hear this

[talaniman]

Addicted or not, I find his lack of being willing to talk, and his disrespectful behavior unacceptable and don't blame you one bit for hating him.

[durpstick222]

he is not addicted, porn use is normal.
what's not normal is him turning you down when you offered to join in.
that in itself shows your willingness to try and see thing from his perspective. And if he were smart he would have taken that opportunity to include you deeper into his life and your understanding of each other.
I have personally watched porn ever since I was sexually active. I have had healthy, constructive, and meaningful relationships while continuing to watch porn throughout them.
I have to admit that I have never dated someone as uncomfortable around the idea of there partner using porn as you. But your reaction is perfectly understandable. Your "compromise" with the dirty mags is really a testimony to your mis education on the subject of porn.
you are right to feel a slighted that he will not open up to you, and help you understand what it really is all about. After 5 years he should be comfortable sharing that with you (though do not expect any man to EVER stop doing it). "just accept is" is not an appropriate excuse, he should take the time to re-assure you of your importance to him. Porn is a physical release, with little to no contextual value to any situation happening in ones life. He is not "looking at other women" he's just "rubbing one off".
the real issue hear is not the porn usage. It is the fact that it has caused a rift in the relationship (through blatant failure of communication) and has sewn the seeds of mistrust. That is a game ender for any relationship. I am truly sorry for you situation, because once the trust is gone so too is the relationship. Good luck!

PS: please forgive the spelling errors, not one of my strong points

[backpack2389]

Is Pornography Adultery? - Ross Douthat - The Atlantic
An article. Food for thought really. I think it shows porn for what it really is but takes a realistic approach to its role in society. I personally agree with much of what it says. Porn is a form of infidelity but unfortunately, it's so pervasive and accepted that it's unavoidable.