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Aurora_Bell · Jun 25, 2012, 07:45 AM

So I have been having this debate with a few friends of mine, and honestly I am struggling with this as well. Here goes.

Hypothetical scenario. A man and a woman meet at a bar, they hit it off, they spend the night dancing, having drinks, they go for a walk and they end up spending the night together. The next day they hang out for the day and exchange contact information. No contact is then made. The woman, as most women feel after becoming intimate with a man, feels cheap and let down, she felt there was a connection there. The man... well who really knows how a man feels. The question is why didn't the man make contact? Let's just say for argument sake the women DID send a message thanking the man for the fun time and extending an offer to meet up again (not necessarily just for sex).

If the man wanted the intimate encounter the previous night just as badly as the woman did, why should it matter? If there was a spark there the night before, when did it disappear? Why can't a relationship be built off a night of passion? Why the feeling of doubt and uncertainty? Does giving it up the first night really mark the women with Scarlett letter in this day and age?

cjk888 · Jun 25, 2012, 08:38 AM

Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell

So I have been having this debate with a few friends of mine, and honestly I am struggling with this as well. Here goes.

Hypothetical scenario. A man and a woman meet at a bar, they hit it off, they spend the night dancing, having drinks, they go for a walk and they end up spending the night together. The next day they hang out for the day and exchange contact information. No contact is then made. The woman, as most women feel after becoming intimate with a man, feels cheap and let down, she felt there was a connection there. The man...well who really knows how a man feels. The question is why didn't the man make contact? Let's just say for argument sake the women DID send a message thanking the man for the fun time and extending an offer to meet up again (not necessarily just for sex).

If the man wanted the intimate encounter the previous night just as badly as the woman did, why should it matter? If there was a spark there the night before, when did it disappear? Why can't a relationship be built off a night of passion? Why the feeling of doubt and uncertainty? Does giving it up the first night really mark the women with Scarlett letter in this day and age?

The man was nice to her because he wanted one thing, the women took this niceness as a spark. The spark is a load of crap to a man because the spark is when he gets a stiffy lol as soon as he has finished it goes. Honest truth from a man, the only way a relationship really starts for a man on a one night stand is if he finds the women very very attractive.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 25, 2012, 08:47 AM

A relationship "can" be built from here and sometimes may.

The issue is that the man ( or the women) may not be looking for a relationship and merely exchanged info to be polite. The fact is, no promise was made about tomorrow, no assumptions should be made as to what the other feels, If sex is something speical and sharing, for one, they need to communicate that and find out the plans of the other before, not after.

They most likely do not know the real status of the other.
Married, in relationship, just broken up or what, and in those cases no long term or even future contact is reallly wanted

In general, but not always of course, men and women few sex differently The man, sex was just the result of the night, and he does not owe her any further contact.

excon · Jun 25, 2012, 08:55 AM

Hello Bella:

Some one night stands work out, and some long term relationships don't. I don't know why.

excon

Aurora_Bell · Jun 25, 2012, 09:08 AM

So, the best advice is to keep it in your pants or risk being hurt.

FrChuck, in one particular case the implication of further dates WAS made by the man.

Wondergirl · Jun 25, 2012, 09:12 AM

Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell

in one particular case the implication of further dates WAS made by the man.

Men on first dates may also have a bridge to sell.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 25, 2012, 09:23 AM

Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell

So, the best advice is to keep it in your pants or risk being hurt.

FrChuck, in one particular case the implication of further dates WAS made by the man.

Guys will sadly and often tell the girls about what they want to hear to get them into bed, and at one point the guy may even think it somewhat. But then morning hits, realism hits, Some will even lie ( I know hard to beleive) but they will be music agents, or film agents, or rich, or have great jobs and really be stock boys at Walmart.

NeedKarma · Jun 25, 2012, 09:32 AM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Men on first dates may also have a bridge to sell.

While you are correct I have also been the beneficiary of the same feature by the woman. Many do not portray their exact selves on a first date - I think it's just a matter of how far off the "real me" they go.

Wondergirl · Jun 25, 2012, 09:36 AM

Originally Posted by NeedKarma

While you are correct I have also been the beneficiary of the same feature by the woman. Many do not portray their exact selves on a first date - I think it's just a matter of how far off the "real me" they go.

I've never had the opportunity to be a guy to experience this, but have known a few females who prided themselves on being able to dupe a guy and then disappear.

NeedKarma · Jun 25, 2012, 09:45 AM

Good to know there is gender equality :-).

Wondergirl · Jun 25, 2012, 09:46 AM

We occasionally break through the glass ceiling. :D

Aurora_Bell · Jun 25, 2012, 10:34 AM

Frustrating. I talk to guys who say they have the same issues, if so many people are sruggling with the dissapointing "mornng after", maybe we should invest in club jackets?

Jake2008 · Jun 26, 2012, 04:39 AM

Sleeping with a random person after a night of drinking is not very smart.

What if you thought everything was going well, and he turned out to have targeted you all night at the bar, and you ended up in a dangerous situation.

What if you were raped, beaten, or worse? You didn't even have personal information on the guy as you said, so how would anybody know where you were.

If he had asked you to come and help him change the tire on his car, would you have gone? Probably not- it would have seemed weird. So why would it be okay to go with this guy and have sex.

He could have a girlfriend/wife who's out of town for the weekend. He could have STD's, criminal records for rape and assault.

And if it turned out you were raped, you'd be running to the police station wanting to lay charges.

Aurora_Bell · Jun 26, 2012, 04:52 AM

So girls who have one night stands can't file rape charges if they were raped? Pretty out dated thinking In my opinion. Yea, Jake those are all great points, but things are different these days. Maybe not the smartest idea, but the "damage" is done per say and everything worked out fine, except for the lack of calling.

Aurora_Bell · Jun 26, 2012, 04:54 AM

And I honestly didn't come here for judgement on what I do in my spare time, had I asked for your opinion on if one night stands are right or wrong, I would be more appreciative of the above advice. I always value your advice and take everything you say to heart, but this is not what I was looking for.

NeedKarma · Jun 26, 2012, 04:57 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

If he had asked you to come and help him change the tire on his car, would you have gone? Probably not- it would have seemed weird. So why would it be okay to go with this guy and have sex.

Because often people in a bar are there to willingly meet someone. And there is usually a sharing of information (flirting and chat) before they leave the bar. The 'changing tire' analogy really doesn't work here at all.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 26, 2012, 05:01 AM

Not me of course, but a person I knew well when I was young, used to party and perhaps drink way too much and a few other things. He may wake up and have no idea where he even was, had trouble finding his car once, ( took 3 days)

He was only out to have sex, no commitment, no love, he did not even care if he remembered their names ( if they even gave complete names , which they seldom did , only first names) Or nick names, He remembers a Rose Bud, so I am told that he will always remember, and two girls that he wishes he could.

But as long as each person enters it, knowing it most likely will be nothing more than sex and good bye, they are OK,

We are always hurt if we break up, and we often break up, on one night stands we just break up more often and sooner in a relationship (one day0

Aurora_Bell · Jun 26, 2012, 05:13 AM

That's a good way to put it Fr Chuck, about breaking up earlier then normal. I always get frustrated at the double standard of consentual sex. I do want to make it clear, I'm not all about going out and having sex with random people every weekend. I joke around a lot, as people can see from my Facebook, but I really am not a bar star looking to hook up. If anything I am confused and frustrated with how difficult computers, social networkinhg sites, texting has made made dating. Before when you went to coffee shops, bars, etc people used to talk now you all sit at a table and text other people!

excon · Jun 26, 2012, 05:29 AM

Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell

I do want to make it clear, I'm not all about going out and having sex with random people every weekend.

Hello Bella:

Really? I'm not random...

excon

Aurora_Bell · Jun 26, 2012, 05:33 AM

All right Exy, you head up to Canada. I'll meet you at the air port bar ;)