[Pillowtalk]

3 days ago I found out my husband of 10 years cheated on me.

We have always been very happy and secure in our marriage. We've been through many of life's challenges and made it through them all with flying colours. I've never trusted someone so much. 6 months ago he moved very far away for a job, and comes over every 14 days, and stays home for 7 days. 3 days ago (a day after he flew home) I receive an email from a girl telling me that they have been having an affair since he pretty much got there. I obviously didn't believe it. I replied with "I need proof if I'm going to accuse him". Well... I got proof. Naked pictures of him and text messages.

He says he realized it was wrong and broke it off and that's why she contacted me. Apparently she said "if I can't have you, then neither can your wife". But who knows if this is true... since he is clearly good at lying since I had no clue. Also, apparently the "affair" was only a couple monhts... not 6.

I've never in my life been so sad and hurt, and everything in between. He's been messaging me many times a day, calling, emailing, begging for forgiveness. Swears he doesn't know why he did it, he was lonely and says he made a big mistake. He's begging to try counselling or whatever I want. I've told him it's over and I can not live with this mistake of his, and it destroyed us.

I love him, and can't shut that off. We have two beautiful children together and have built our family and life to the point of finally feeling like we're getting what life has to offer. Should I go back to him? Once a cheater, always a cheater? Has he done this before and I didn't find out? I feel like everything is wrecked now... and even if forgiven, I can never forget. If I go back, it justifies what he did. If I don't go back, the kids and I will be heartbroken and lose our best friend.

[Jake2008]

I am wondering about his honesty. It is possible that he broke off the affair, and she is vindictive. That's not exactly new behaviour for cheaters, and those that cheat with them, when it breaks up.

It's also possible that she has suffered a loss, with her husband/boyfriend/partner, finding out, and this other woman is making him pay for what she's going through.

There are many possibilities here. And the possibility that he has had other affairs, and the possibility that this was just one, and there have been more that you don't know about.

What is encouraging is that there is a history that was unshakable, and the two of you have build a life together. It would be a shame for you to throw in the towel, without first taking him up on his suggestion, of marriage counselling.

He does sound remorseful to me. Others may disagree, but he's making some efforts that show some understanding of what his behaviour has caused.

Superficially, I would not accept what he has said, as the whole truth. Counselling should uncover more of the truth, as well as understanding of the behaviours that he showed that led to his affair in the first place. It is hard to go beyond equating this with 'just' a one night drunken stand, as he habitually had relations with this woman, and presumably could have walked away long before he did.

That you have firmly told him the marriage is over, may very well prompt honesty from him, because he's going to have to go the whole nine honesty yards, in order to gain any trust whatsoever. He will soon realize in marriage counselling, that this type of work will be the hardest he's ever done, and it will be clear to you whether he is capable of addressing everything that has happened, and shows a willingness to change.

He has a lot to lose.

He has more to gain, and so do you, if this can be worked through. I would advise you to give marriage counselling a shot.

[Pillowtalk]

He will be home in 10 days... is that too soon book counselling? Is that letting him get away with it too easy? I've been level headed through this, with no major spite or verbal attacks. I've only cried and explained how hurt I am and that I can't believe this... and that it is over.

[Jake2008]

The sooner the better.

I would be inclined to let him make the arrangements. If he's serious, that won't be too much trouble for him to do.

[Pillowtalk]

I wouldn't have thought of that, excellent suggestion. I'll have him do it.

The sooner the better.

I would be inclined to let him make the arrangements. If he's serious, that won't be too much trouble for him to do.