[JMT]

My sister is getting married very soon. She and her fiancé have suggested that guests give a gift in the form of a donation of money towards their honeymoon, as they have already been living together for some years and are all set up. (They made this suggestion on the invitations in a most polite manner, but I know that it's more than a suggestion)
Therefore, my question is not what to give, but how much?
They are spending quite a lot on this wedding. Thing is - I've already spent close to $800 to gussy up as her bridesmaid and can't afford to give them as much as I'd like to.
How should I avoid feeling embarrassed when the day rolls around?

[shygrneyzs]

I would take my gift money and donate it to a charity or non profit organization that they support. Maybe I am old fashioned here, but giving money so they can honeymoon?
You have already spent $800.00 helping out with the bridesmaids. That is not really a wedding present - that is more like the engagement gift to your sister.

Just do what you feel comfortable doing. If you do not feel comfortable giving money towards a honeymoon, why not something they would need on their trip?

[becs6188]

My friends did this, an I paid for a relaxing massage for each of them on one of the days on their honeymoon, you should beable to go into the travel agents they booked it with quote the booking name and there should be a list of things you can pay for for them i.e. scuba lessons, boat trips, massages, spa days etc, this way you can be cheeky and pick a cheaper activity and there u have it a wedding present... hope this helps.

[RubyPitbull]

I think you have some great ideas becs!

I agree with what shy is saying about giving money. FYI, it is against the rules of standard etiquette to request presents of any kind in a wedding invitation, much less money. Big no no. But, JMT, you seem to understand that already.

Will your sister be satisfied with your purchasing one of the ideas that becs has suggested? Or will she make you feel as if you didn't do enough? That is the question you have to consider when making your decision.

Sometimes, we have to bite the bullet at certain points in our lives. A sister getting married is one of those times. If you think that she is going to give you a lifetime of complaining about how cheap you were to her, it is easier to just give her as much as you can afford to give.

[tinsign]

It is extremely rude and unethical to ask for money as a gift, and I am sure your sister and husband to be have upset more than one person invited to the wedding by doing that. As far as a money gift to them personally I say if you are real stretched on cash give maybe 20.00-25.00 each. I very much like the suggestion you got from shygrneyzs but you might have to deal with grateful sister later saying she stated cash and nothing else. Little note if I was in your place.. I would write a little note later after the honeymoon and say when you receive the thank you note this... I was truly hoping to get the both of you something you could treasure for years to come, since money is just a paper item with such little thought .

[Lowtax4eva]

It is extremely common for people of Mediterranean descent to expect and give money as a wedding gift. We have on a few occasions. In general you should give an amount that is more than the cost of the meal at the reception. For instance if they are serving a very high class meal that would cost 100 or more per person you should give at least 200 if there are 2 of you going.

But it's really up to you, are either of them of italian descent? (did I spell descent right?)

[JMT]

No, not of italian descent, it just seems that more younger couples are asking for money rather than gifts these days.

FYI - My cousin is getting married in 3 weeks time, and they have asked the same of the guests (although they even included their bank account details on the invitation so money could be directly deposited to them! Bit much I thought... )

If I were in their position, and there was really nothing I needed, it is a good way to avoid ending up with a lot of junk and ugly household décor that you feel obliged to display.
Hopefully by the time I get married it will be completely acceptable to do this, but I think it's something that will always make some guests uncomfortable. That's the last thing I'd want for my loved ones on my wedding day (Note: I am not planning a wedding for myself in the foreseeable future, kind of sounded that way huh?)

Those are some great suggestions though, guys! Thanks :)

[lacuran8626]

My sister is getting married very soon. She and her fiance have suggested that guests give a gift in the form of a donation of money towards their honeymoon, as they have already been living together for some years and are all set up. (They made this suggestion on the invitations in a most polite manner, but I know that it's more than a suggestion)
Therefore, my question is not what to give, but how much?
They are spending quite alot on this wedding. Thing is - I've already spent close to $800 to gussy up as her bridesmaid and can't afford to give them as much as I'd like to.
How should I avoid feeling embarrassed when the day rolls around?

It is ALWAYS poor form to provide any type of mention of a gift in a wedding invitation and is very presumptuous. Those little cards that are provided by retailers to put into wedding invitations are simpy tacky.

Generally, when someone hosts a wedding shower, the hosts of the shower (which should never be their own mothers... also tacky) can politely advise as people respond to the shower invitations where the couple are registered. In this way, word gets around. Similarly, if asked, the hosts of a showers or family members can inform guests that, "well, they have most everything for setting up the household, so I would suggest a contribution toward their honeymoon". This way it doesn't sound like the couple is demanding expensive gifts.

People lately forget that wedding guests are gifts, and that the wedding reception should not be just a big show - it should be the couple's and their family's opportunity to entertain and thank all the people who have been important to the couple over the years, and who they are welcoming to continue to be part of their new married life. I hate the greed and show-offiness that is taking over weddings, and the whole trend of wanting to rake it in. If collecting the goods is that important, it makes more sense to have a modest wedding and save the expense for the big bash.

[grammadidi]

It makes sense to give a cash gift to a couple who are either older or already established because they have been living together for a period. I am sure though, that your sister is aware of your financial situation and what you have spent. I think that as she has felt comfortable enough to ask for money on her invitations (albeit nicely), that as her sister you should be able to talk to her and explain that with the cost of the bridesmaid dress, etc, that you really can't give her as much as you would like to as a wedding gift and you hope she understands.

I recently saw a news story on the amount of gifts for weddings and I think they said the average gift is about $50.00 to $75.00 per person. I looked for the story on the internet and came up with THIS. It lists a variety of scenarios based upon your relationship with the bride and groom. It also suggests that your gift just needs to be thoughtful, not equal to the value of the plate AND it has some great gift ideas for those who can't spend much money. I hope it helps!

Love, Didi

[JMT]

It is ALWAYS poor form to provide any type of mention of a gift in a wedding invitation and is very presumptuous. Those little cards that are provided by retailers to put into wedding invitations are simpy tacky.

I hate the greed and show-offiness that is taking over weddings, and the whole trend of wanting to rake it in. If collecting the goods is that important, it makes more sense to have a modest wedding and save the expense for the big bash.

Lacuran, I'm well aware of the "etiquette" in relation to this issue. I was asking for helpful advice, not for people to put s**t on my family about it. Offence taken.

You are entitled to your opinion, but if it is not nice, and much less helpful, please don't post them.

[wynelle]

[QUOTE= Thing is - I've already spent close to $800 to gussy up as her bridesmaid and can't afford to give them as much as I'd like to.
How should I avoid feeling embarrassed when the day rolls around?[/QUOTE]

By giving what you can afford with a big smile and a hug.:)

Perhaps by making a personalized basket--say if they are going to the beach on their honeymoon, you get a beach bag, two towels that you have monogrammed, some magazines, sunblock and sun visors. You can do that for about $75.

Or have room service deliver champagne or flowers to their suite welcoming them on their honeymoon.

But to be honest, only you control how you feel. If you do the best you can afford, then there is nothing for you to be ashamed of. (It is your sister who should be ashamed for her overwhelming lak of good taste and etiquette)

[alkalineangel]

I agree with Gramadidi's suggestions. They were excellent ideas. But I also think that it was wrong of your sister to put that in the invitation. Look how it has made you feel.

[lacuran8626]

Sorry my response appeared to offend you.

I guess my feeling reading your post was that you are spending all this money, and now you are feeling the pressure to shell out even more and the couple is telling people what to give them. I know it's popular today to ask for gifts and be more bold about it, but the stated expectation of a gift is always poor form. Registering for a gift is about as far as I feel any bride and groom should go. Stating preferences for money is really kind of a crappy thing to do. If they would preffer money, they can simply not register for gifts at all.

As for how much to give, I agree with the respondant who stated that a good rule is to consider how much they are spending to have you at the wedding, and spend a bit more on the gift. That said, you should not spend more than you can afford even if it's $20 and dinner is $60 a person.

[islandofdreams]

Whether it is in poor taste to include a request for money on the invite (which it is, RUDE, in my opinion) here are my thoughts.

Give what you can afford to give. I was in a similar situation with my brother's wedding. I had spent so much on travel (4 wedding showers), the dresses, the engagement gift, shower gifts, you name it, I could only afford to purchase them a $75 present. That was all I could afford. Yes, I know, could have put it on credit.. But in the end, no one cared. You give what you can afford and leave it at that.

[Lowtax4eva]

This question is 3 months old now so I'm guessing the wedding already happened.

[gypsy456]

It's not what is said... but how it's being said.

We can say the harshest of words but still be respectful...

[padmapatak]

You can give what is affordable to you. Don't feel embarrassed for less valuable items.