[ash_CTNJ]

Sorry, too long. Your advice may help me in making decision. I am at the verge to separating but I want to know if I am making the right decision not only for myself but for my 3 beautiful kids (8, 4, 1 yr old). I appreciate your time and response.

11 years ago I was madly in love with this guy and agreed to get married, Invitations were all sent and the whole world my friends and family has known I am getting married he raised his hand on me. He apologized and I forgave him at that time. Then I got married and in the beginning it was all like honeymoon time but then again he has hit me, this time I replied at least tried hitting him back and also I was expecting. I am much smaller (petite below 100 lb and he is a huge person) so I got hurt physically a lot. Then it happened again when his parents were visiting, in front of them and his mom said that I deserve it. This was too much for me.

By this time I had a son. Basically we had gone through numerous incident where he has started hitting, sometimes I have hit him back it was more to protect me or to keep him away but all the time I got hurt more and more physically and emotionally. He has even hit me when I was 6 month pregnant.

He shows signs like loving our kids so much that makes me believe in him. He is definitely a good father. Now that my eldest is 8 and past few years he has been also hitting him but not to the girl who is 4 yr. I wonder if his hitting me has expanded to kids. He hasn't hit the girl and says that I am making the boy stronger, I will never hit girl.

Of course his session of hitting me has not ended. I have always been hoping that he will change but slowly I have been losing hope. Now, I am looking for advice. I don't have a friend to share this. My parents were visiting me this year in March and he dragged me hit me just because I have moved his paper and kept at a very safe place the night before we were going to have house painted. My parents for the first time saw this and asked does it always happens. I was too loose and opened up in front of my mom this time when she asked again that yes it does every 3-6 times a year that badly otherwise it is verbal abuse every week, sometimes everyday.

He has really bad sign curve, that I am unable to understand. Sometimes he shows that he really loves me, cares for me, sometimes he really abuses me with words then physically. My husband is not very social person. In fact he just wants to meet his relatives, no friends and unfortunately I don't have the same taste. I like my friends and like to socialize a little if I get time from my work/family life.

Last incident - Saturday night my whole family was invited to my colleague/friends house for get together/bridal shower. He didn't want to go so I went with my little one (under2 yr). I came back home 11 pm. While I was at my friend's place he kept texting me that I am shameless, I am a prostitute gone there to dance/entertain guys there. Its just too humiliating. He texted me to leave my daughter and go somewhere else to sleep. I cannot come inside.

When tried coming inside he grabbed daughter with one hand and my neck with the other and kept pressing, I got tears in my eyes. I pushed him and asked to stop doing drama and came inside went upstairs to change. Again, I came down to grab my cell that was left downstairs from my purse. He was sitting on breakfast table, came running towards me in dinning room and grabbed my hands with both of his hands, tangled them, the whole hand is sore. Then started hitting me and I tried to escape but couldn't since he had grabbed my hand. Finally when I lifted my legs to hit his balls so I could run away. While one leg was towards his balls, he grabbed the other leg and I was flat on half tile half wood area it was just in between in kitchen and dining room. I couldn't get up for over an hour because of pain.

I am ashamed to go to doc My back, scapula, hand, head everything was hurt so bad that I am still in pain. That happened on Saturday late night and now its Monday, everything still hurts. He apologized that time, next day. He sounds very apologetic and took care of kids food etc the whole weekend because I couldn't have been more mobile that my immediate needs.

He has hurt me in past such that I am still living with this pain in my jaw (he grabbed and jaw so bad last year that still hurts), my left knee when I go on the stairs (he picked me up when I was pregnant with me little one and threw me on ground) since then I am having this left knee pain. My left scapula from March 2012 when in front of my parents he has dragged/threw me several times on the time. Note, all the time he apologized.

I make okay money to support my kids and live by myself I think. I will be very tight but I can survive I think by my income only. I know if I separate he will not support kids is because he doesn't want me to separate. Every time he has hit me he apologized and said he will not do it again.

This is 2 day after and as usual I am feeling hopeless. My neck, hand back upper/lower everything hurts are sore. I really do not have anybody to share this detail and put my head and cry. And I do get hope still when he apologizes that he will not do it again. I want to believe this for sake of my kids is because I am afraid to raise kids alone.

My question to you is have I reached the time, when its hopeless and I should separate?

[Wondergirl]

In which country do you live?