[Grandmere]

Hi there, I've been married 31-years to a man with anger management problems. It never occurred to me that I was being verbally and emotionally abused by him until recently. I know, pretty pathetic of me not to have figured it out before. But he had me so convinced that I was wrong or bad all the time, and I believed him. I thought I was the cause, that's why he gets so angry with me.
To make matters worse, his mother lives with us now and he takes her side over me all the time. I can't even cook a meal in the kitchen without her interference and he tells me to put up with it. He scolds me on a regular basis, curses me, and the last time I tried to talk to him about his behavior, he really lost it. He would not let me leave the room, he grabbed my arms so tightly that I suffered damage to one of them. My arms were so bruised for days it made me feel ill and ashamed.
I've always treated him with respect and tried to understand his behavior, but lately I can't stand to be in the same room with him. He's hurt me so much over the years and he continues to do so. He refuses to admit that he has anger issues, and if I try to talk to him about it, I really get it then. I've always treated him with respect, but he says that I don't deserve respect, that is why he has to keep me in line.
A part of me wants to leave, the other part is terrified. Can you suggest something I could do to give me the courage to leave this hell I'm living? I'm scared of being alone out there, but I'm even more scared of staying here. Thank you for any advice you can give me. Sincerely, Joeann

[Squiffy]

Depending on where you live, there are agencies who can help you. I was in a violent and abusive relationship, only for a couple of years, but it was so destructive. I spent a while in various women's shelters, and even though they were horrible places to be in, they were better than being at home putting up with him. You need to leave, you are a grown woman, you do not need to be kept in line, and that whole 'its your fault I get mad' thing, its just an excuse. Its not your fault, it is his. He is the one with the problem, not you. You should be able to talk to your partner, and expect respect and in turn give it. Not be abused like this. Leave him while you are still able to. Call the police and ask for their help, they have access to advice centres for women in your situation.

[redneckchick]

For one leave him... he doesn't need to treat a women like that... tell him that if he gets help and chage you will move back with and try again... but I'm telling you right now that he will not change if you stay with him... I know because I had to leave my boyfriend before he changed... and the mother has to go put her in a nusing home or something or just be firm without and tell her to leave you alone and you will do things the way you like it...

[scol409]

Hi there, I've been married 31-years to a man with anger management problems. It never occured to me that I was being verbally and emotionally abused by him until recently. I know, pretty pathetic of me not to have figured it out before. But he had me so convinced that I was wrong or bad all the time, and I believed him. I thought I was the cause, that's why he gets so angry with me.
To make matters worse, his mother lives with us now and he takes her side over me all the time. I can't even cook a meal in the kitchen without her interference and he tells me to put up with it. He scolds me on a regular basis, curses me, and the last time I tried to talk to him about his behavior, he really lost it. He would not let me leave the room, he grabbed my arms so tightly that I suffered damage to one of them. My arms were so bruised for days it made me feel ill and ashamed.
I've always treated him with respect and tried to understand his behavior, but lately I can't stand to be in the same room with him. He's hurt me so much over the years and he continues to do so. He refuses to admit that he has anger issues, and if I try to talk to him about it, I really get it then. I've always treated him with respect, but he says that I don't deserve respect, that is why he has to keep me in line.
A part of me wants to leave, the other part is terrified. Can you suggest something I could do to give me the courage to leave this hell I'm living? I'm scared of being alone out there, but I'm even more scared of staying here. Thank you for any advice you can give me. Sincerely, Joeann

Do you have family or friends that you could stay with? Starting over is a daunting thought... I know full well... but I keep saying to myself that we only live once and then we are dead for a very long time. I wish you strength and confidence for the road ahead. Good luck to you. I think you should leave. 31 years is a long time for patterns and he is not going to change.

[RubyPitbull]

Grandmere, there is something that you said in your posting that really stands out to me. You wrote:

I've always treated him with respect, but he says that I don't deserve respect, that is why he has to keep me in line.

That is a classic abusers statement! Do you really think that respect is a one way street? That he deserves respect but you don't?

YOU DO deserve respect. YOU DO deserve to be treated with love, understanding and open communication. The basic foundation of a good marriage is built upon mutual respect and trust.

You do not have any of these things with your husband. He puts his mother, who is living under your roof, ahead of you. He has made it clear to you that you are nothing but an inconvenience and a punching bag to him.

Scol409 has hit upon the right question. Do you have any family or friends that you can go to for a few days? Think hard about who will help you. Pack a bag now and GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE. Take as much money as you can out of your joint account. If there isn't anyone you feel you can turn to, and you have to stay in a hotel, DO IT. Flip through your local phone book. In the front, before the white pages begin, there should be a section titled "Helpful Numbers" or something to that effect. Look carefully. There should be a listing of Domestic & Sexual Violence contact groups and numbers or Family Support Services contact groups and numbers. Call one of these places now. They will talk with you and will help guide you on what you have to do next.

You need to take control of your life. You are a person who has as much worth as the rest of us. You need to find a very good divorce attorney and squeeze as much money as you can out of him. You have dedicated 31 years of your life to this man. Do not allow him to intimidate or scare you to the point that you won't be able to walk away with anything. Take your house. Take your car. Take your money. You need to begin healing yourself and to take your life back.

I know you are scared of being alone. Please believe me that being alone can be such a wonderful experience. Being alone is the best way for us to be free of outside influences (such as your husband and mother-in-law) and figuring out who we are and what we want out of life. Being alone allows us the freedom to be able to come and go as we please. You only go around once in this lifetime. You need to be able to do the things that you enjoy, instead of spending your time picking up after other people and being put down by them. You are living in a prison at the moment. You need to be free from fear. You deserve a chance to enjoy your life.

Make that phone call now. You owe this to yourself.