[Hillcrest]

My husband spent the night at his adult daughter's place. That was fine with me (step-mom) until I found out that they slept in the same bed (and, yes, under the same covers). She's 35 years old and extremely physical (lots of hugging of friends & family). He told me before he left that even though she really wanted him to spend the night he wanted to come home because he had work in the morning (her place is an hour away). Then he called and said she talked him into staying overnight (which I predicted as he never says no to her). I definitely don't think anything sexual went on between them but I don't like them sleeping in the same bed. It just feels weird. She and I don't get along and I know that she deliberately does things to upset me. I'm mad at my husband for not insisting that she set up a separate place for him to sleep or come home. His excuse is that they were out until 2am. As I said, she's devious, and I think she planned the whole thing. What should I do? So far, I made him sleep on the couch for a nap (poor thing was exhausted). Am I over-reacting? I won't bore you with the countless things that she's done to disrepect and hurt me over the past 20 years her father and I have been together. I only maintain a superficial relationship with her. I had to give up on expressing anything real to her because she twists my words and actions. (I'm not alone on this, she's alienated many others). So, I do not intend to speak to her about this, it's the person I have an intimate relationship with, my husband, that I care about. Do I need to be open-minded? Any advice? Thanks for your thoughts.

[JudyKayTee]

Wow - this hits me on several levels.

As a woman I think shutting your husband out of your bed and bedroom is a big mistake. You MADE him sleep on the couch? Yikes - isn't it also his bed?

How did you find out about this? She called you, he told you, something else?

Does it make my hair stand on end? Yes, honestly it does. I can give you all the advice in the world about how you should feel - but, truly, I don't know how I'd feel.

And I'm a stepmother of 5!

This is a little too freaky for me.

I did date a guy at one time, really great, liked him a lot, widower - with a really dependent, emotionally insecure (or overwrought) 19 year old daughter who one time (at his house at dinner) let it "slip" that after her mother died and neither one of them could sleep, she and her father shared a bed. It's probably immature and judgmental of me, but I knew I couldn't handle that news. Not saying anything went on... but I felt it was a shot at me and it was something I would have had popping into my head.

I'm sure she's now driven off any number of women - but that's my problem, not yours.

[Hillcrest]

Thanks for your reply. Step-mom of five, wow! They could gang up against you but if you're a good person (and it sounds like you are) the sibling rivalry may work in your favor. In answer to your question as to how I found out. When he came home after work I asked if he had a good time and what's her new place like, etc. He said it's just a room and a bathroom in a house (she's wealthy and has multiple homes including one in our town). This new place is more or less a place for her to crash when she goes into the city and doesn't want to drive back. I suddenly felt a surge of "oh " and asked about the sleeping arrangements. So he told me.

Since it was 2am and they probably didn't have the energy to pull out a futon or what ever she has and I know nothing happened, I'm getting over it. But the fact that she kept insisting for days prior that she wanted him to stay over night makes me think it was a setup to get to me. I didn't put it all together until the "oh " moment. As I said, she has done a lot of things to hurt me in the past, the latest one being excluding me from her birthday party in March. This was a pretty big party with mutual friends. It's not like we're not on speaking terms, I invite her to join me and her father to things I think she would enjoy and she's always invited to family events. It was just an opportunity to slap me in the face. In my dream world, I would not have even known about it... my husband would have said that he wouldn't be coming out of respect for me and she probably would have invited me. For full transparency, I should add that I didn't invite her to my birthday party but I also did not invite the children that my husband and I have together. Unless one is doing a gender specific party you don't exclude one member of a couple, it's just rude. As I said, I've given up on her, but I hate it when she gets my husband to do things that hurt. Thanks again for your thoughts.

[JudyKayTee]

Yes, she's playing one of you against the other. As I said, wow.

I don't know how you keep from letting "it" get under your skin. Sounds adult to ignore her but I'm pretty sure I could not.

Sometimes I don't think men "get it."

I truly don't know that I'd get over it this quickly. I'd have the urge to grab my husband by the neck and scream, "What were you thinking?"

[Hillcrest]

Yes, she's playing one of you against the other. As I said, wow.

I don't know how you keep from letting "it" get under your skin. Sounds adult to ignore her but I'm pretty sure I could not.

Sometimes I don't think men "get it."

I truly don't know that I'd get over it this quickly. I'd have the urge to grab my husband by the neck and scream, "What were you thinking?"

Yes, I think I did that at one point. It's complicated. I'll get back to you later. Thanks

[Hillcrest]

Yes, I think I did that at one point. It's complicated. I'll get back to you later. thanks

Oh, I guess my lengthy reply did go through. Thanks.

[smoothy]

Am I hearing dualing banjos?

[Hillcrest]

Am I hearing dualing banjos?

Yes, agreed, it's built into the nature of the relationship. This particular step-daughter had it rough due to the divorce so I do feel empathy for her and at least understand why she's the way she is, but there is this thing called behavior, what's appropriate and what is not. She seems to think she's above and beyond generally accepted rules and morales, and since her father doesn't say no to her and establish boundaries, she calls the shots. He has said he'll never do it again.
She has a lot going for her... very good-looking, fit, smart, and cultured but it's doubtful that she'll ever be in an intimate relationship because of her damaged character (even though she's bi-sexual and has double the odds). My concern is that she's been relying on her father more and more for male closeness (to the point of sleeping with him, yuk). But I should count my blessings that she's away a lot because she's extremely wealthy and has five houses (that I know of). Am I envious, yes. But I wouldn't trade my life for her shallow, superficial existence for all the money in the world. (Did I mention that she's the most tight-fisted person I've ever met in my life, a shameless freeloader!)

[JudyKayTee]

She has a lot going for her... very good-looking, fit, smart, and cultured but it's doubtful that she'll ever be in an intimate relationship because of her damaged character (even though she's bi-sexual and has double the odds).

Does her father recognize any of this? You're a better woman than I am. I wouldn't excuse her character defects.

I think if her father were a fire hydrant and she were a dog she pee on him to prove ownership.

And that's what this was.

(Your post on being bi-sexual, doubling the odds, made me smile. I managed a matrimonial law firm. Woman came in, wanted a divorce, her husband was a cross dresser. They decided to use different Attorneys but same firm so at one point they came in together. She complained about the cross dressing. He was baffled because "They wore the same size." Apparenty he felt they should stay married and they could both double their wardrobe. I remembered that when I read your post and had to smile.)

[Hillcrest]

Does her father recognize any of this? You're a better woman than I am. I wouldn't excuse her character defects.

I think if her father were a fire hydrant and she were a dog she pee on him to prove ownership.

And that's what this was.

(Your post on being bi-sexual, doubling the odds, made me smile. I managed a matrimonial law firm. Woman came in, wanted a divorce, her husband was a cross dresser. They decided to use different Attorneys but same firm so at one point they came in together. She complained about the cross dressing. He was baffled because "They wore the same size." Apparenty he felt they should stay married and they could both double their wardrobe. I remembered that when I read your post and had to smile.)

That's hilarious, about the cross-dresser. And I like the fire hydrant analogy, right on! I have thought of her as a cat that discreetly pisses in the corner... you can never quite call her on anything but it reeks. She's about to leave town and as par usual she's dropped a stink bomb. Something that causes strife between me and her father. Does her father see any of this? Not really. Like most fathers, he wants to see her in the best possible light, so I say as little as possible against her... except in a case like this where they're rubbing my nose in it. I am not a better woman than you. I do not forgive her her defects! She's an adult who has way more opportunities than others for self-improvement but as a narcissist she only works on improving her appearance (how people see her). As I said, I have absolutely given up on having anything more than a superficial relationship with her. If I tried to talk or write to her about this you would be amazed at the spin she would take on it. I'm almost tempted just to show you how she operates. What about you? Do you have many problems with your steps? Thanks.

[JudyKayTee]

I have one who is much the same as your stepdaughter. To sum it up - she's in her 9th year of an 18 month community college course. I'm not kidding.

The World is against her and everything is everyone else's fault.

It's sad, really. I have little to do with her.

[Alty]

I've been lucky, I don't have to deal with step-children. I don't think I'd be a very good step-mom. There are only a hand full of kids, that aren't my own, that I even like. The rest I tolerate. I also don't handle stupid, or spiteful, very well, and unlike you, I would not be able to keep my mouth shut, I'd confront the little... darn sensors, I don't think I'm allowed to use that word here. ;)

I have only one word of advice. Don't let this demon child affect your marriage. Your husband has to have a relationship with her, as that's his daughter, but you don't. I think the less you know about her, the better off you'll be.

[notalwaysright]

I'm not as certain as you are that nothing happened.

Maybe it's me. But reading your remarks, this is what I think.

[Alty]

I'm not as certain as you are that nothing happened.

Maybe it's me. But reading your remarks, this is what I think.

What is what you think?

You haven't told us your thoughts at all.

[0rphan]

I am amazed that you have kept quiet all this time,very few would( me included).they slept in the same bed you say... um.. did they wear nightwear I wonder! Obviously they didn't sleep fully clothed,so they must have.

You are talking about this fully grown adult at times as if she were still a child frightened of the dark... she is 35 years old and with respect your husband is probably around mid-fifties I'm guessing.

Yes she is the instigator, but he is her father and a grown man, who could have said NO,he chose not to.I don't quite understand why! Could there be more to this, I don't know I have doubts.He could have stayed as you say and slept else where... the sofa or similar springs to mind.I cannot get passed the fact that he would have undressed and got into bed with the daughter knowing that it would cause all kinds of trouble, also that had she been much younger he would be committing a criminal offence.Well in my eyes age does not matter,she is still his daughter,which makes this very improper behavior to the extreme.

I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear but could there be something more going on between them.which is why she is so smug the whole time,also why he answers her every need,perhaps she has threatened to spill the beans!!

I think you should try and catch them out some how,they think they are safe if it's been going on a while so won't be watching.You are now wiser after this,but keep it to yourself until you are sure.

I truly hope this is not the case but something doesn't sit right... you need to know for sure.

[8track]

It's totally inappropriate for a father and daughter to sleep in the same bed. But why get mad at the step daughter when it's the father that should have boundaries and know better. He chose to stay there. He chose to stay in her bed. He could have chose to come home. He could have chosen to sleep on the floor.

[Alty]

It's totally inappropriate for a father and daughter to sleep in the same bed. But why get mad at the step daughter when its the father that should have boundaries and know better. He chose to stay there. He chose to stay in her bed. He could have chose to come home. He could have chosen to sleep on the floor.

Good point.

[smoothy]

Heck for that matter SHE shares equally because she could have slept on the floor or the couch... when I was younger and my parents or one of them came to visit (I had roommates then and not my own place) I let them sleep in my bed and I slept on the floor or couch.