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lule36 · May 28, 2012, 04:27 AM

My boyfriend has a ex step daughter, she is 20 and he is 47. He met her while she was 12 and keeps a very close relationship with her. He allows her to come and stay with him for the weekend, but he doesn't have a big place, he sleeps on the couch while she sleeps on his bed.

I would understand if she would be her biological kid but I believe once that previous relationship is over, he should keep a distance from the past. He wanted me to meet the young girl this weekend since she is down here staying with him, I don't think is correct that kind of relationship being so close with her.

I said I won't be spending time with them because I don't feel comfortable getting involve with his past, unless its his real daughter. He made me understand she will be part of his life forever, like it or not... Am I crazy? Is this correct?

JudyKayTee · May 28, 2012, 05:36 AM

You want it straight out? Yes, you are unreasonable. He has been a father figure to this girl for 8 years. He "allows" her to come over? How about he "invites" her to come over?

You are asking him to pick between the two of you. I hope for everyone's sake that he picks her.

You sound petty and jealous and cruel - you want to rip this girl out of his life because you don't want him to have any connection with HIS past?

I don't think you're crazy. I think you're misguided.

J_9 · May 28, 2012, 06:06 AM

You are totally out of line. This girl has known him as a father figure since she was 12. In those 8 long years it is quite possible that they have built a lasting bond.

Kudos to him for taking the couch and giving her the comfortable bed. Couches aren't all that comfortable when you are 47... been there done that. Applause to him for keeping her in his life rather than creating more turmoil.

It's a shame you are so superficial that you don't see what a good man you do have.

Maybe it would be better for you to find someone who is 100% completely available to you.

lule36 · May 29, 2012, 12:49 PM

No she hasn't known him as a father figure, she knows and visit his father. Also, I forgot to mention, my boyfriend paid for her boob job when she was only 17 because she felt very depress that all her friends had boobs and she didn't. For me that is very frivolous, I would have paid for a psychological treatment instead. Now she works as a shot girl at a night club. I just can't imagine a 20 year old that will rather drive 3 hours to put on a dance DVD as soon as she arrives to do exercise in front of him... and be inside the apartment with him without going out, (he was on call all weekend) than spending time with her friends.. Raising a child is what my father did with my step sister, she was 1 year old and known him as a father figure, but a 12 year old girl, already knows the difference between her real father and the guy that is living with them and sleeping with her mom. Anyhow, the one that has to deal with that girl should be him and not involve me if I feel uncomfortable, definitely there is a bond between them but I don't think is like father and daughter...

JudyKayTee · May 29, 2012, 01:02 PM

Originally Posted by lule36

No she hasn't known him as a father figure, she knows and visit his father. Also, I forgot to mention, my boyfriend paid for her boob job when she was only 17 because she felt very depress that all her friends had boobs and she didn't. For me that is very frivolous, I would have paid for a psychological treatment instead. Now she works as a shot girl at a night club. I just can't imagine a 20 year old that will rather drive 3 hours to put on a dance DVD as soon as she arrives to do exercise in front of him...and be inside the apartment with him without going out, (he was on call all weekend) than spending time with her friends..Raising a child is what my father did with my step sister, she was 1 year old and known him as a father figure, but a 12 year old girl, already knows the difference between her real father and the guy that is living with them and sleeping with her mom. Anyhow, the one that has to deal with that girl should be him and not involve me if I feel uncomfortable, definitely there is a bond between them but I don't think is like father and daughter...

Then leave the relationship. You are accusing him of being a pervert (at best). I don't know what your "shot girl" point is. I put myself through College as a bikini waitress.

"A guy that is living with them and sleeping with her mom"?

You very apparently have the problem, not them.

So, anyway - why are you still involved with him?

J_9 · May 29, 2012, 02:06 PM

Yes, I think you need to leave this relationship. It's apparent that you don't understand that they have a bond. My daughter, who is 18, would rather spend time at home with her father than going out with her friends. There is nothing wrong with that.

Oh, and I raised enough money to move to Alaska and live work free for 2 years by being a cocktail waitress in a strip bar.

Fr_Chuck · May 29, 2012, 02:27 PM

Yes, you are out of line, as a person who was a step parent till my wife passed away, a step father is a father and emotion ties as a father happens, You would just pray that he would have been that way with your chlldren if you had younger kids.

This is the idea dad and parent. You are the one who is thinking dirty and wrong of it. If he was sleeping in the bed with her and having sex. But he is being the best dad he can for his step daughter.

Just because he breaks up with the mom only the very best step fathers keep up their dad roles. This man needs a medal not your abuse.

Do him a favor and leave him so he can find someone worthly of him

sweet_summer · Jun 12, 2012, 11:41 PM

No, YOU ARE NOT WRONG! She is not his biological daughter and an adult female now. She is Nothing against for his life .Where is her bio father? That's her real father job's,not your boyfriend as her father replacement, I understand you feel uncomfort for these,he shouldn't threat his adult STD like his life partner in front of you and must have bond for that. He must understand your feeling. During these time he did something nice for her until he meet u, and now time is over for her, he should focus only with his new relationship with you not for her anymore! At least they can be friends only or ex STD, NOT MORE!

JudyKayTee · Jun 13, 2012, 10:46 AM

Originally Posted by sweet_summer

No, YOU ARE NOT WRONG! She is not his biological daughter and an adult female now. she is Nothing against for his life .Where is her bio father? that's her real father job's,not ur bf as her father replacement,.I understand u feel uncomfort for these,he shouldn't threat his adult STD like his life partner in front of u and must have bond for that. He must understand ur feeling. during these time he did something nice for her til he meet u, and now time is over for her, he should focus only with his new relationship with u not for her anymore! at least they can be friends only or ex STD, NOT MORE!

STD = sexually transmitted disease.

Otherwise - I have no idea what you said.

samluh12 · Aug 30, 2012, 10:07 AM

I have a similar situation- my husband has an ex-stepdaughter who is now 20. I have 2 daughters from my a previous marriage, he has a daughter from his ex. (the stepdaughter is from his ex-wife's first marriage).
He treated the ex-stepdaughter like his own over the years, even asked her to move-in with us after her mother kicked her out of the house when she was 16. It only lasted a week because I gave her back to her mother. I didn't want to be responsible for her if her own mother and her were not getting alone. That was their problem, not mine to deal with. I have two daughters of my own to take care of. My husband thought it was mean of me not to let her stay in our own house, after all, she is her daughter's sister.
But I felt she has a mother and a distant father and a new stepfather. We have our own problems to deal with in our new blended family. Why was he bringing her to our own household so her mother and new stepfather could be free from her?
Just this year, she had a baby- the father of the baby is her new stepfather's brother. They need money. I don't understand why she is coming to my husband for help and why my husband is obligated to help out. Like I said, she has a father, a new stepfather and the father of the baby is the brother of the new stepfather.
I think if my husband helps her, he is overstepping a line, an unwritten rule of decency, insult and disrespect. I have given up trying to explain to him what I feel. He thinks he must help because she is in need and all my reasons are unfounded and immature.

JudyKayTee · Aug 30, 2012, 02:02 PM

Originally Posted by samluh12

... It only lasted a week because I gave her back to her mother. I didn't want to be responsible for her if her own mother and her were not getting alone. That was their problem, not mine to deal with. ... I think if my husband helps her, he is overstepping a line, an unwritten rule of decency, insult and disrespect. I have given up trying to explain to him what I feel. He thinks he must help because she is in need and all my reasons are unfounded and immature.

I think your reasons are unfounded, immature and mean spirited. I'm assuming you knew about this child when you married your husband, she was no surprise to you?

I'm a five times stepmother.

Keep giving up trying to explain, reach no understanding and you'll be explaining this in divorce court.

I had to smile at your unwritten rule: "I think if my husband helps her, he is overstepping a line, an unwritten rule of decency, insult and disrespect."

Alty · Aug 30, 2012, 02:31 PM

In today's world most people marry someone or start a relationship with someone, that has children.

I find this thread amusing. I would bet money that all the women that posted that this relationship is wrong because this child is not biologically his, would also be very upset if any man they had a relationship with didn't accept and treat their children as his own.

Children aren't goldfish. It takes more than providing sperm to be a father. This man has formed a fatherly bond with this child, and just because he's no longer with the mother doesn't mean he should abandon the child.

I wonder how all of the supporters of this OP would feel if this was their daughter, and the step father said "I'm not married to you anymore, so screw your kid, I want nothing to do with her". I bet they'd be singing a different tune then.

Fr_Chuck · Aug 30, 2012, 02:48 PM

Just sickened by the unfeeling heartless behavior. I hope he packed her bags and tossed her to the curb and worried about the illegal eviction latter in divorce court. A person with such callous and lack of love does not require the respect of a dog in the pound.

As a person widowed, I have children from my first wife who are treated EQUAL to my current child, none is loved more or less. I would still treat any step child, even after I had no legal obligation as one of my own, since I loved and cared for him also.

This takes selfishness to a level I have not believed possible

JudyKayTee · Aug 30, 2012, 03:01 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Just sickened by the unfeeling heartless behavior. I hope he packed her bags and tossed her to the curb and worried about the illegal eviction latter in divorce court. A person with such callous and lack of love does not require the respect of a dog in the pound.

As a person widowed, I have children from my first wife who are treated EQUAL to my current child, none is loved more or less. I would still treat any step child, even after I had no legal obligation as one of my own, since I loved and cared for him also.

This takes selfishness to a level I have not believed possible

Amen!

I see a lot of "he's my husband, back off, I don't care who you are" and a better heading would be "Husbands as Property."

The OP threw the husband's stepdaughter out of her house? Red flag!

sweet_summer · Sep 12, 2012, 03:54 AM

I believe a step father cannot provide a "complete" love to his step children. I think it will be in "partial" terms. I believe in such because the feeling and the bond between the two parties is definitely different especially that they are not connected in blood but only by law.

PS: I am not evil person and still have morality! Thanks.

JudyKayTee · Sep 12, 2012, 05:54 AM

Originally Posted by sweet_summer

I believe a step father cannot provide a "complete" love to his step children. I think it will be in "partial" terms. I believe in such because the feeling and the bond between the two parties is definitely different especially that they are not connected in blood but only by law.

PS: I am not evil person and still have morality!! thx.

Are you a step parent? I do not "partially" love my stepchildren. You've shared this with us before, and I can't help but notice the difference in your writing style.

"No, YOU ARE NOT WRONG! She is not his biological daughter and an adult female now. she is Nothing against for his life .Where is her bio father? that's her real father job's,not ur bf as her father replacement,.I understand u feel uncomfort for these,he shouldn't threat his adult STD like his life partner in front of u and must have bond for that. He must understand ur feeling. during these time he did something nice for her til he meet u, and now time is over for her, he should focus only with his new relationship with u not for her anymore! at least they can be friends only or ex STD, NOT MORE!"

Are you two people with one screen name? (You never translated this for us.)

Alty · Sep 12, 2012, 01:06 PM

Originally Posted by sweet_summer

I believe a step father cannot provide a "complete" love to his step children. I think it will be in "partial" terms. I believe in such because the feeling and the bond between the two parties is definitely different especially that they are not connected in blood but only by law.

PS: I am not evil person and still have morality!! thx.

So unless your blood is in a child, or you carried the child in you for 9 months, you can't truly love the child? Boy, I hope adoptive parents never tell their kids that. Oh wait, those aren't their biological kids, so it doesn't matter, they will only love those children in "partial terms".

It takes more to being a parent than providing sperm or a womb. Love isn't conditional. If you don't know that, then I really feel sorry for you.

b4m2012 · Oct 10, 2012, 04:57 AM

Summer, that is complete bs. I am a stepmother, and have been in my stepson's life since he was 5 months old. I love that little guy just as much as I love my own 3 biological children. You apparently are not a stepparent, or you would know that. Maybe you should get the facts before you try to give advice to people that you have no idea about. Some people bond more quickly to children than others do. Everyone is different, so yes, the OP's boyfriend may indeed love his stepdaughter as much as he would his own children, or maybe he is a pervert. Either idea apparently doesn't make the OP happy, so my opinion... OP needs to find herself a different boyfriend, maybe one who doesn't have any kids in his life (children, neices, nephews, etc), because apparently she doesn't like sharing time with anyone else's children.

Alty · Oct 10, 2012, 05:09 PM

Originally Posted by b4m2012

Summer, that is complete bs. I am a stepmother, and have been in my stepson's life since he was 5 months old. I love that little guy just as much as I love my own 3 biological children. You apparently are not a stepparent, or you would know that. Maybe you should get the facts before you try to give advice to people that you have no idea about. Some people bond more quickly to children than others do. Everyone is different, so yes, the OP's bf may indeed love his stepdaughter as much as he would his own children, or maybe he is a pervert. Either idea apparently doesn't make the OP happy, so my opinion...OP needs to find herself a different bf, maybe one who doesn't have any kids in his life (children, neices, nephews, etc), because apparently she doesn't like sharing time with anyone else's children.

Wonderful answer. Bravo!