[noodledoodle]

We have been married for almost four years and have a three year old. I have not lost all "the baby weight" but I have been dieting and exercising and I have lost a little bit. All my friends and coworkers have noticed my weight loss except for him. So I come out and ask is I look better to him. He doesn't say anything so I get upset and we start to argue. He says he isn't as attracted to me as he used to be and he is doing the best he can! I weighed 120 before I had our child and now I'm about 165. I admit I've gained a lot of weight but he isn't helping the situation much. He has also cheated on me last year when he went out of town for a few weeks, talked to his ex's on Facebook until I threatened divorce and he deleted but he wants it back and I refuse. Am I over reacting or what? I spend more time depressed and unhappy than I am happy. Please help!

[Kahani Punjab]

Noodle Doodle,

First of all, I shall welcome you to this wonderful site.

Your frustration is genuine, but do not take others (and their love) for granted. Not even your hubby's. No doubt, he should love you, but 'should' is not everything. We can control our life, not others. So, try to understand the ground reality. There are people who love slim body, some love lady's hair, some love perfect body, some love great face, but more than often a slim-trim body is the common attractive denominator. You are doing your work, taking pains to lose weight, that is what I would have suggested you to do. However, never be rude and so-direct to someone. Deleting posts, from his ex-es was not a good idea. Just be soft to him, try to win him back and not try to force him back. Love is won, not pulled. Just work on your body, and sure, he will get back to you, again. Good luck!

[LadySam]

First I think you should address your depression and sadness.
Is your weight the problem or is the problem that he is being superficial?
If you are going to put effort into your physical appearance then you must do that for you not someone else.

[JudyKayTee]

Absolutely. Changing yourself to make someone else happy never works. He was considering (minimally) emotionally cheating on you.

You need to have an honest conversation with him - and I agree. He sounds very superficial.

[Homegirl 50]

I think you are married to a superficial male of no worth. He is a cheater and he is rude.
When you lose weight, do it because you want to do it for yourself. I think you are unhappy and depressed because you are married to this phony man.
He cheats and does not treat you well. Is there a reason you feel you must stay with him?

[smearcase]

What evidence do you have for the out of town trip cheating, or is that connected to the Facebook contacts?
Part of the equation is whether he is a good father to the 3 year old and you also make no mention whether he is a good provider.
Have you considered counseling? I don't pretend to have the answer but I just feel that you need to know where the road leads before you decide to start driving on it.
If he openly cheated and got caught, and I can't tell for sure from your post whether he did or not, maybe that's the deal breaker but there have been others who even survived that. You have gotten some excellent feedback here already and some questions you haven't responded to. One thing for certain in my humble opinion: get some professional help for the depression first.

[odinn7]

Everyone that said change for yourself and not someone else... +1... excellent advice.

He sounds like trash.

[talaniman]

This isn't about your weight, or diet. Its just so easy to blame it on such superficial things. It's the minds that have become disconnected, and when trust is broken, and threats are made you build a wall of resentments between you that must be torn down.

Time and communications is what needed here, to work through the fear, anger, and frustrations of whatever is at the bottom of this rift. It's a big mistake to make this about your weight. The adjustments are in the way you relate and treat each other, to understand each other, Not being frustrated that you need reassurance about your body. If that's all you needed why did it lead to an argument?

You both have to look deeper, and forgive yourselves for misunderstanding each other, and work together for better understanding. To start, get a check up to see that all the hormones are balanced, and the diet is a proper one that doesn't sacrifice nutrients for calories.

The key to this whole thing is you see him as not helping the situation, because he doesn't acknowledge your weight loss as others have. That's no excuse for fighting, and impatience and impulsiveness is no cure, it makes it worse.

If you are losing weight for him, that's a losing battle, because its not your weight at all, so lose the hard feelings, see your doctor, and change your approach, ease up and get back on the same page through honest communications, not useless bickering, probably caused by past hurts, past frustrations. Don't let them poison you from moving forward, and I hope you can. I hope you both can.

[Tatla]

That is really fine.