[J_9]

Tal did you read this?

We're in the introductory stages of no contact. Right now it starts with me not calling her, one step at a time. When she has something to say i'm still interested in hearing it, and i can't deny myself that yet. Key word yet.

Zero, I will maintain that there is not introductory stage for NC.

Please take a step back and re-read your post. This is a very unhealty relationship and you need to get healthy yourself first. Worry about you, not her.

[ForeverZero]

This is the first time I've ever behaved this way, I've been in 4 6month plus relationships, and this is the first time I've ever had somebody leave me. This is a learning experience for me, and I still see the things she has to say as productive towards helping me get back on my feet. I still beat myself up over some of the things I've done to her and allowed her to do to me. She doesn't try to rope me back in, and we're not talking often.

Since I stopped initiating communication with her at the beginning of December, we've spoken twice, both time she initiated, both times have been using something else as the guise for her communication. She's afraid of me, and she shouldn't be. I finished being afraid of her about 3 weeks after we broke up.

[chuff]

What's going FZ? I'm sorry your going through this. I understand your confused and hurt and desiring explanations in this situation. But it's hard if not impossible to learn from your mistakes and correct them when you so emotionally wound up in them. You've got to institute NC now for YOU. Not for her. If I had a torch and every time you came near me I kept burning you would you keep coming back or leave and get your wounds healed? You'd leave. So why do you keep letting her burn you. She's not doing it physically, she's doing it emotionally and mentally. And you keep going back for more.

I really liked and appreciated what J9 did in post #4 so I thought I'd give it a try myself. Let's see if I can't offer you some suggestions or points of view on this NC thing.

This is the first time i've ever behaved this way, i've been in 4 6month plus relationships, and this is the first time i've ever had somebody leave me.

As you say next this is a learning experience for you. This is all new to you. We all get that but you can't wish your way or push your way into anybody's life. When both of you are emotionally wounded you must separate. If she can't leave you that's her problem. How can you ever heal her the burns you gave her if you can't take time to stop and heal your own wounds.

This is a learning experience for me, and i still see the things she has to say as productive towards helping me get back on my feet.

You couldn't be further from the truth. What she says has nothing to do with getting back on your feet. She might tell you things that she wants but that's so she can manipulate you when you hurt. If she really cared she would identify what bothers her and give you the space and time to go change it.

I still beat myself up over some of the things i've done to her and allowed her to do to me.

Your still beating yourself up. Your still burning yourself. Isn't it time for a break then for the healing to start? Instead of beating yourself up for anything why not admit your human, learn from the mistake and not do it again. Holding on to the emotional mistakes of the past leads to more emotional mistakes in the future. That is further complicated when your making these decisions in a highly emotional state like your currently in.

She doesn't try to rope me back in, and we're not talking often.

That's because she doesn't really care and she's seeing other people. Don't talk at all.

Since i stopped initiating communication with her at the begining of december, we've spoken twice, both time she initiated, both times have been using something else as the guise for her communication.

I'm confused? Who used who as a guise? And exactly how was that pulled off? What was the point of that? It sounds like game playing who ever it was.

She's afraid of me, and she shouldn't be. I finished being afraid of her about 3 weeks after we broke up.

Then why do you care if she's afraid of you? Why was there fear in a relationship to begin with?
Dude if you every plan on healing yourself start now by letting her go. Do some other things for awhile and let the emotions wear down. Then go back and figure out what happened and how not to do it in the future.

[J_9]

P.S. Chuff, don't know why the style struck you, Hmmmmmmm.

LOL

[talaniman]

As far as no contact goes, I've asked her to stay out of my life. She initiated the breakup, so I feel an obligation to listen to what she has to say to learn about myself. I also figure if she's going to disregard my wishes, it should be important to her. I doubt she'll have anything to say for a while anyway

You have no obligations to anyone but you. She broke up with you and disregards your wishes to stay away from you. How sick is that, and no amount of logic will explain this abusive behavior. NO CONTACT AT ALL. Keyword... NO!!

[ForeverZero]

Next question, towards the end of this month I'll be back at school with her, she's repeatedly tried to give me my things back, I've repeatedly told her to throw them away, I won't miss them. Her response is always " i don't want you to hate me because i threw your things out". I don't understand how she thinks after lying to me and doing all these twisted things that throwing my stuff out after I've asked her to is going to be what makes me hate her, but whatever. The question is how should I approach this when she comes to me about it? I want to leave the door open for reconciliation, but that's all. I'm not interested in playing games, but I also don't want to burn my bridges.

[talaniman]

If you don't want to play games why are you playng hers? This whole relationship is a game and you leaving the door open keeps both of you playing. Good luck You deserve each other.

[ForeverZero]

As much as I try to keep her out of my life, she still consumes my thoughts. I'm out meeting people and keeping my options open, but I still can't get her out of my head. She's expressed no interest in getting back together, she's seeing somebody else. I'm getting back into my hobbies and things like that, but it doesn't stop the thoughts and the pain. I just don't want to let go, and as much as I'd like to force myself, it doesn't seem to be working. Logically, everything everybody says makes perfect sense, but I can't force myself to not feel a certain way. No contact is good for cleansing the system, and that's why I'm looking for suggestions on how to handle her dealing with my possesions without breaking that.

[ForeverZero]

My judgement is under question with this breakup. I can honestly say that I've never been wrong about my ex-girlfriend, but this whole thing has caused me to lose faith in my own judgement, so I figured I'd run a few things past you guys that I believe, despite how they sound.

To the questions. She cites me not being dependable as one of the big reasons she left me. I'd accused her of not being dependable several times, which she took to heart, in my opinion, because she felt like she was doing the best she could and I wasn't getting it. Her coping mechanism when faced with a problem is to bottle it up and hope it goes away. For all of those incidents, whenever I wanted to talk about it, to clear the air, and express how I was hurt and needed a little help with things like this, her response was always "what's the big deal, it happened to me".

She gave responses like that because she felt like I was attacking her, and I was looking to hold this over her head for my own personal gain. That's not true, but when your coping mechanism works like hers does, I'd see where she got that from. So I believe her when she said this.

She runs from all of her problems, that's a fact. When she broke up with me, she did it over a text message, and had looked for every excuse possible not to talk to me. She's also never approached me to explain herself, neither why she broke up with me or after she started seeing another guy, whom had been the one that helped her through the breakup.

Am I wrong to think she's just running from this problem too? She also pressed me to return my things to me afterwards, even after I told her to throw them out. I sincerely think we felt the same way for each other, and it took us hurting each other to discover that. Communication was the single biggest problem, whatever I was saying wasn't getting through, and whatever she was saying wasn't either. In explaining this to her, she doesn't believe me, and my judgement tells me because she doesn't want to.

She approached me the day after christmas to talk about my things again, I suspect she was really looking for an excuse to talk to me, but couldn't muster up to do it honestly. Here's where I really don't trust my judgement, and honestly it's because I hear the same thing from everybody, which leads me to believe they're right and I'm wrong. In this conversation, she told me she hated how when she looks at herself, she sees somebody that won't stand up for themselves, runs from their problems, and can't be honest about anything. She also tells me she thinks I'm not hurtful to somebody that's not a "fixer upper".

I believe this was honesty talking, and I believe this because I still believe her. Any evidence I have would be in the fact that on new year's one of my friends stole my phone and drunk dialed her, and ended up singing a song that was in the list of "our songs" She had one of her friends pretend to be the cops and call the phone back etc. I didn't say anything, and the next day she came clean about it and told me how sorry she was ETC.

LONG STORY SHORT - are these just things she's telling me so she can absolve her own guilt? Or do you suppose she sincerely believes what she's telling me? I understand this fits the bill for a woman's way of trying to convince me I'm better off without her to make me hurt less, but I still don't believe it. My judgement rarely serves me wrong, but I'm seriously confused now, and I'm the worst judge of anything.

[ForeverZero]

Couple of other questions while my mind is on the subject

This other dude she's seeing reeks of a rebound. He's the complete opposite of me, and my judgement tells me she's using him to forget about me.

I also suspect her fear of commitment played a bigger part in this then she lets on. I think she saw the end of college approaching, and time to start building a future together, and didn't want that pressure, which tells me she'll hide in her party time lifestyle for a while, and once she graduates, she'll realize it's not as great as she thought it was. At this point, I suspect she'll start looking at the problems of this relationship, and a possible reconcilliation.

I ask these because I'm seeing somebody else myself, and I'm not sure I can go forward with any relationship until I have these questions answered. I've come to terms with the fact that she just may not love me anymore, and that's the premise I'm operating under, but my gut is nagging me, and I think I need to have a conversation with her to get all this off my chest. Just to feel like I did all I could for her.

[talaniman]

Rehashing those things that are part of the past is an exercise in futility and will do you no good whatsoever. Leave her side of the street alone and worry about what goes on on your side. Worrying about her and what she is doing can only take the focus off you and the things you should be doing.

[phillysteakandcheese]

Given how you describe this girl, why aren't you just thankful to be rid of her?

If she can't deal with problems, can't be honest, and can't communicate... does it matter whether you believe her about why she broke up with you?

You already know she's not a keeper, so let her go and be glad you did.

[ForeverZero]

I don't know she's not a keeper. I do know I have a lot of things to say, and I need to get them off my chest before I can feel like she's a waste of time. She's usually receptive, and will acknowledge when I say something of importance.

[talaniman]

FZ, Since you already have your mind made up, and are going to do what you want, why are you asking us what you should do? Reread your other posts and see where your stubborn streak shows and the things you go through because your mind is already made up.

[eggcooker]

Move on with your life . When it is over it is over. Don't drag it out in any way. It only causes heart pain. It really doesn't matter what she said or how she thinks. It is over. Love is letting go and moving on. Don't be confused about how you feel. If you hurt moving on will help. Go have fun and live. This is the first day of the rest of your life, make it a happy one. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is waiting for you.

[ForeverZero]

What I realize is that the closure I want can only come from her, and I'm probobly never going to get it. What I want to know is how can I achieve the kind of closure that is self provided? I feel like if I could reach a point where I feel like I did all I could, that'd be when I break. My new girl seems to think the only way I'm going to do this is if I just tell her everything I think, and walk away frustrated.

[ForeverZero]

What if I wrote it all in a letter and mailed it? I think I'd feel closed and done, and it wouldn't leave her room to say anything that'd confuse me more. I'd also feel like I did all I could and weather or not it works isn't up to me. Does this sound like a healthier alternative?

[talaniman]

You've got a new girl and still dwelling on the past? How unfair is that? Not healthy at all.

[ForeverZero]

Realistically speaking I can't get what I want. I've accepted that, and I'm looking to close the book on my last relationship before I begin this new one. She's aware of everything that's going on and has helped me get through a lot of the worst spots. I told her I'm not ready for anything right now, and she's down with that for the time being. I'm looking to get rid of this feeling that there's something I can do about my last one, one way or the other, so that I can get out of this rut and start living my life again.

[talaniman]

They way I see it your determined that this thing ends when YOU say so and not when she says so. She has moved on and your stuck until things happen the way you want them to.

I'm looking to get rid of this feeling that there's something I can do about my last one, one way or the other, so that I can get out of this rut and start living my life again.

Translate to your too stubborn to let go and in denial that its over. Full acceptance will free you from wasting your time, but sometimes we must run headlong into a brick wall before we figure it out. Make sure your honest with the new female and she is a rebound from a relationship you could not let go of.