[seendrache]

Ok, I know this is long, but here it goes. I'm a gay guy 27yo, and a couple of years ago in my lab, we had an exchange student from Japan. He was only there for three months, and the two of us got really close. We would go out for lunch, dinner and drinks almost every day. Movies, parks, shopping, hanging out. We were basically always with each other. He got room in the next city over, as it was cheaper, and I would drive him home every night. When he first got there, I instantly thought he was cute (love at first sight) however that's all I thought it was, physical attraction. As time progressed we got closer, sometimes we would embrace and hug. He'd lean on me while we were sitting around after drinking. I knew what was coming, that I was really falling for him on a much more emotional level opposed to physical, but I just let it happen. When he went back to Japan, I had never been more depressed. And cried until I was exhausted and passed out after I dropped him off at the airport. I skipped work that day. Later over chatting, I confessed that yes I "really liked" him. He said he could tell and that he knew, but that it was OK. That was about two years ago, and honestly not a single day has gone by where I have not thought about him at least once in passing or something. It doesn't help that I have never actually been in a relationship, or really ever dated much. I can find sex if that's all I wanted, but it's not. I just want someone to be with and hang out with and hold at night (sex optional). Well, still not over him, I did probably the absolute worst thing I could probably do emotionally. I just graduated graduate school, and am currently visiting Japan, and staying at his place as my home base while I travel around. Any lowering of feelings that occurred in the past 2 years instantly vanished and I'm now back to being completely in love with him. He had the first week off work, and we traveled around together. I visited Korea for a week and while it was fun there with other friends, I was thinking about him a lot. Back in Japan now and traveling around alone, my friend works a lot. The other day while out with him and his friends, we went drinking and went to a club and though VERY hazy the next morning, I can remember telling him that I love him, though I can't remember his response. That was the first time I've told him, or anyone, that I love them. That didn't change the rest of the time or our friendship since he has known that. If I thought I even had a chance with him, I'd drop everything and move to Japan. So I guess the two questions I have are either A). He's never actually said he was straight or bi or gay, or anything (though he was dancing with girls at the club. I don't become angry jealous, just sad jealous, so I ordered more to drink), so... does anyone actually know how to make Love Potion #9, or know how I could test out the waters with him? (most likely not) or B). How do I fall out of love with him? With two years and only very minimal communication, it still hasn't happened, and now seeing him again it's worse. . I've cried myself to sleep a couple times already while here. I head back to the US in less than a week, and honestly feel I may cry the entire ride back.

Any help or advice (or love spells) would really be appreciated!

[WisperWill70]

I know you're half joking about the "love spells" -- but there aren't any, there is simply no way to make another person love you, who is not naturally ON THEIR OWN, inclined to do so and choosing to do so! You sound like an amazingly intelligent young man who has a lot to bring to a relationship and a desire for something more intimate and emotional -- so why are you pining away for a man who doesn't return your affection? (Gay, straight, bi - it doesn't matter what he is because he has clearly not acted upon the affection he's always known you have had for him - because he assumes that you're his friend. He's not interested in you in that way.)

As often happens, sometimes we fall for someone who can't or won't return our affections when we've NEVER gotten out there (you mention you haven't dated much) or haven't really taken that leap into being active/single and taking a risk with our hearts. Could that be you? After all I'm sure part of you is "safe" loving this guy who can't love you back... but in the process it's heart breaking. There's a man out there who wants an emotional committed relationship with you too-- why not find him?

As far as how to stop being in "love" with your friend. - Start by loving him truly and accept who he is (not interested/probably straight/on a different life path) allow yourself to have other experiences -- don't keep plucking that same old string by traveling to Japan, and "revisiting" all your emotions. You could love him for another several years if you keep holding on to him in your mind... it has nothing to do with how much you talk to him or where on Earth he is! As long as you believe "so and so and I should be together" you're not letting yourself move on.

Again.. you're obviously someone's dream guy with a big heart. Go find him! Date. Don't assume that all men want hook-ups and random sexual encounters.

Good luck and best wishes to you.

[Fr_Chuck]

You stop any contact with him and get counseling, you have a love affair that is all in your head, beyond some culture differents I see nothing that shows he was anything but a friend to you. But you can not respect him for that.

So. Call him, tell him you are in love with him and can't live without him, and see if he breaks off talking or may be gay and hiding it. ( or bi) but also remember men have a different closeness in Japan than in the US, and I see nothing from what you said, that is more than men being men and he being respectful of you life style.