[Bubbles2222345]

I have been seeing a married man for nearly three years now. We spend time in my house chatting and yes the other thing too and he takes me out in the day now and then for a meal but not that often. We have fallen out several times but he always comes back to me saying the intimate side is the best he’s ever had, he also started taking me out telling me he did not want to just be coming taking advantage of me which I thought meant his feelings were going a bit deeper now maybe.

We had an argument a few weeks back and he never text or came round for a while, I then text him and he said how much he missed me although it sounded as if he just meant the physical side. I got a bit upset and cried as I had not been feeling well and for the first time the sexual side was difficult for me too. I also was honest telling him he had two lives and that I wanted him to communicate with me more. When he left I had a text saying it did not feel right and that he thought he is upsetting me and messing my mind up and that he feels terribly guilty about using me. I told him I think we should have a break from it for a while and he thought it was a good idea.

Afterward I got angry with myself as I always do and started hurling abusive texts saying that he’s probably seeing someone else, etc. Then he got mad back and told me to give him some space. He is quite a loner sort of man, not arrogant or the sort of man who has lots of women on the go. In fact he’s quite anxious and nervous some of the time, too anxious to be a player. He says I'm hard work. It’s just I get angry as he shows interest in my life one minute and says he wants to take me out and respect me and treat me like a lady, asks about my family and wants to see pictures of them and then the next he seems like he’s desperate for the intimate side only. He will swing from one to the other. He has told me his wife sleeps on the sofa every night but that he does want her but she does not want him. He does not seem to want to try and get her back though and I cannot understand this. He seemed upset when we talked about this and seemed almost embarrassed at nearly getting emotional. He says he just sits indoors alone or doing things he needs to do, does not seem to go out much or have many friends.

Also he went on holiday with his family a few times but says they find it difficult to be together and it was hard and that they all stay out of each other’s way indoors too. I find this strange. What’s going on? I need some advice as I love him and want to try to bring him out emotionally and at least talk to me but it’s terribly hard. He seems like he’s trying to push me away one minute and cannot wait to see me the next. Do you think this sort of man I have described would be seeing someone else apart from me? I need advice as I love him and want to know if he has feelings for me. Thanks.

[Jake2008]

Three years. That is a long time to invest in a man. I take it you didn't realize he was married until, what, last week?

I hope that there are no children involved, that he doesn't leave your bed, and go home and set a good example of what a man and father is to his wife and children.

Did you ever think that part of the reason he sees you, is that he has become distant to his wife (and family), and silence is covering up guilt and remorse? While you service him with what is missing in his life, his wife has no idea she's being stabbed in the back by a dishonourable woman? Really- what kind of woman does this to another woman.

He, instead of being a man, stepping up, trying to work on his marriage, falls for a woman who is easily available for sex. It's worked for three years, and yes, you have been used. But, you allowed yourself to be used.

It seems obvious he's not going to leave his wife. That's too bad because she could probably be happier divorced from him. Too bad for you as well, because when you eventually wake up and realize your life with a married man is going nowhere, you've wasted a good chunk of your life.

I don't know what kind of advice you are looking for here. If you are wondering what you should do, my advice is to drop the married man, show a little belated respect for the other woman (wife) involved here, and possibly an entire family, if there are kids, and get out.

What you have is not love. Not even close to an honest relationship. It is all based on deceipt. Who cares if he's seeing someone else as you suggest- for all you know he's seeing his wife, and she's NOT sleeping on the couch.

Get a single, available man, and leave married men alone.

[Bubbles2222345]

Thank you Jake and no hands up I knew he was married right from the start and I was the one to give him my phone number after he started chatting me up. I wish he would sort it out with his wife but he seems very quick to tell me to sort my life out too. I have told him we both need too. When I text him the other week he was texting me back saying he uses people, upsets people, he's no good and he will never change. Although yes I have played my part I don't understand why he's saying this. I thought it was just excuses after he ran out on me saying it did not feel right? Although he does not say it he must feel guilt for his wife, although he says the guilt he feels is about using me too. He told me he was sorry that he uses me. All this seemed to come out just because I showed my feelings and shed some tears. I think I hit a nerve and its panicked him. Yes he has two teenage children and I cannot understand why they all do not seem to be a family together. What could be wrong?
Yes I know your right but I'm trying also to understand why he's the way he is and why the wife would even stay with him. He has said he won't leave them and I don't want him too either. Any more advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Bubbles2222345]

Could any one else please tell me their experiences or advise in this situation please? It would be most welcome. Thank you.

[Bubbles2222345]

Anyone else feel free to give me advice, there must be other women in this situation so please talk to me and tell me your experiences and views on this subject? Thanks.

[J_9]

Anyone else feel free to give me advice, there must be other women in this situation so please talk to me and tell me your experiences and views on this subject?. Thanks.

Are you sure about this?

I AM the wife who's marriage women like you have ruined. I had 2 sons who are grown now and have a hard time trusting people.

You really don't want to know what I feel/think about women like you.

[Bubbles2222345]

I actually did not ruin his marriage at all. He has a mind of his own and his wife has shown she does not want him at all. Its women like you who need to open their eyes and start looking to the husband not the women he has relationships with outside of his marriage.

[J_9]

I actually did not ruin his marriage at all. He has a mind of his own and his wife has shown she does not want him at all. Its women like you who need to open their eyes and start looking to the husband not the women he has relationships with outside of his marriage.

I suppose you've seen this with your own eyes or did he tell you this?

[J_9]

Women like you have very low self esteem and virtually no morals. You knew from the get go that he was married, you knew that this could ruin his relationship with his children. You could have said no to his advances, but you didn't.

[Bubbles2222345]

Firstly a lot of people he knows have the same opinion about his marriage and have said the very same thing. And yes I do have self esteem. Why do people always seem to blame the other woman? HE HAS BEEN GOING OUTSIDE OF HIS MARRIAGE. He has a large proportion of any blame. He knew he was married, that he has kids, and he made advances also. So he has blame too not just the other woman.

[ScottGem]

Firstly a lot of people he knows have the same opinion about his marriage and have said the very same thing. And yes i do have self esteem. Why do people always seem to blame the other woman?. HE HAS BEEN GOING OUTSIDE OF HIS MARRIAGE. He has a large proportion of any blame. He knew he was married, that he has kids, and he made advances also. So he has blame too not just the other woman.

You are absolutely right. He shares the blame. He is a pig who cheats and doesn't honor his vows. But he is not the one who posted here. His share of the blame isn't the issue here. YOU ARE! You knew he was married and you still made advances or, at least, accepted his. What you should have done is tell him to call you when he has a finalized divorce. Anything less than that is just as much your fault as his. Trying to shift the blame to him is just rationalizing your own shortcomings.

So the fact remains that YOU enabled his cheating. So if you really want a relationship with this guy you tell him to call you when he gets a divorce. But of course, you will always wonder whether he is cheating on you. And frankly you deserve that.

[J_9]

It's not one sided. This man is a jerk for running around on his wife and family. You see, it takes two to tango. I never said that you were the one entirely at fault, but you are part of the blame here too. After all, it was you that offered your phone number knowing that he was married.

Now, what did you come here for? Do you think anyone is going to sympathize with your plight? He will never be 100%, or even 50% yours. He has a wife and two children that he will spend Christmas, New Years, etc. with while you sit at home alone.

Even if he did divorce his wife for you, you will never be entirely sure he is not cheating on you as well.

[Bubbles2222345]

As I said no its not one sided at all and I have been totally honest about my part. I do not agree about Enabling his cheating. HE DID THAT OK. He could say no at any time and as I said its common knowledge the wife has been hateful to him. I do not want sympathy I was interested to know about others in my situation of which there must be loads. I admit most people don't have my blunt honesty. And its amazing that as soon as you say married man people say ohhh he will cheat on you, he's a pig etc. Well most men are cheats , women are cheated on married or not so its all the same but it seems to be oh so different on the other woman if the man their seeing is married. I hold my hands up to my part totally though yes.

[ScottGem]

I do not agree about Enabling his cheating. HE DID THAT OK. He could say no at any time.. I hold my hands up to my part totally though yes.

No I don't think you are holding your hands up. Not when you deny enabling his cheating. Sure, if it wasn't you it might have been someone else. But the fact is you offered him the opportunity. Cheaters tend to be weak willed individuals and might not cheat unless given an opportunity. So you need to be more honest with yourself. I'm not trying to excuse him, but you seem to want to make this mostly his fault.

Well most men are cheats , women are cheated on married or not so its all the same but it seems to be oh so different on the other woman if the man their seeing is married.

I really HATE statements like that. Do you have any proof that more than 50% of all the billions of men on this planet cheat? While I don't deny that a significant portion of men do cheat, I doubt if its more than half. I also doubt if the percentage of men who cheat is much greater than the percentage of women who cheat.

But yes, it is different when a woman is seeing a married man (or vice versa). A married person is OFF LIMITS. They are already committed to someone else. Interfering with that commitment is wrong! Until they have legally renounced that commitment they are off limits.

[Bubbles2222345]

What I should have said in the beginning was it was him who was eying me up and making it quite plain that he was interested and yes he told me there have been other women before me. It is both of us to blame yes I agree to that. But as I said it is a well known fact that his wife treats him very badly but he's told me he won't leave. And no I don't know all the ins and outs and whether that's the truth but what I'm saying is that can go for any man married or not. He made it quite plain first that he was interested so to my mind was enabling his own cheating. He should not be even ogling women if he's married. So?

[ScottGem]

. He should not be even ogling women if hes married. so?.

Correct, but since you knew he was married your response should have been; come see me when your divorce is final. ANY other response was enabling him and wrong on your part.

[Bubbles2222345]

Hes ogled , therefore he made it known he's up for it so started it. That's what I think. This could go on and on but even though my part is played in this it still amazes me why men go elsewhere whatever if they are married and risk kids etc. If you don't want it get out ** that's what I say before you start making eyes at other women.

[Jake2008]

So you're walking down the street one day, and let's say you dabbled in a bit of cocaine in your college years. Knowing that your marks would drop if you kept up the late night partying, and there was a real good chance that you'd end up hooked on cocaine, you were forced to give it up, and ended up in rehab, after flunking out. You allowed yourself to go down that path, and it was destructive.

Then, ten years later, you're walking down the street and meet up with an old friend from those days that you used to party with.

He offers you some free cocaine for old times sake. You know it's dangerous, and you know that you shouldn't do it, but if he's using it and looks okay, he's "enabling himself", and why should you deny yourself the pleasure of taking the risk, and having a good time.

But then you realize what you put your parents through as a consequence of your use in college. Paying for an extra semester because you flunked out, rehab all summer, and the loss of both your using, and non-using friends.

Point being, you decided to cross the line- he did not hold a gun to your head. He is only guilty of providing you with an opportunity, which is not equal to deciding to actually use the drug.

It is the same with your married boyfriend. (men can't really be married to one, and a boyfriend to another can he?) He offered you himself, you knew it was wrong, it would cause all kinds of headaches, yet you crossed the line- with him.

And you continue to cross the line, over and over. When you made that decision, and then learned that your 'relationship' with him would never take the place of his wife and family, and could only end in hardship, unfulfilled dreams, and your entire life put on hold, you chose to continue. Had you not continued with him, he would have found another woman, just like you, to take your place.

You are not equal to 'a wife'. You are not the mother of his children. He has made it clear that you are in second, or third place if you consider the one that got pregnant. Why do you choose to settle.

He IS your drug, and you will do anything to get it. Common sense goes out the window, morals, scruples, betrayal, participating and allowing yourself to be used, missing out on a more appropriate relationship, etc. etc. all apply

You have ZERO control over him "oogling women", screwing around on his wife, being a horrible father and husband, etc. etc. ZERO. You do however, have enough brain power to know that he is just one of many men who are responsible for the destruction of their own lives, and the lives of their wives and children, and somehow you still think it's okay to keep 'using'.

Nobody can tell you how to live your life, but I can tell you that most likely in the not too distant future, his wife will know about you, and her life will be destroyed by his betrayal. And then he will begin to understand consequence, and his children will learn another hard lesson in life, in that he was a player, and it was him, and him alone that destroyed their lives.

And do you measure in there somewhere? No you don't, other than you were the woman that, maybe had you said NO, and not messed around with a married man, his marriage and family may have had a chance. But, regardless, you enabled him, you made a choice to see him under his rules, knowing that he would never be an honourable man either with you, or his wife and family.

So, settle for him if you want to, and be prepared for what you get. Which is not much of a man, not much of a relationship, not much of a future.

Isn't it time to turn your life around and raise the bar a little bit- with your own man? A single man, not a player, and not married with children?

And consider that there are married men out there who will hit on women- married or not. You always have the option of deciding not to screw with another woman's man.

[Tinka04]

Yea you pathetic I cannot believe what you're saying how you could do this and for 3 yrs. Talk about an easy booty call! That's what you are hunny a booty call. He obviously needs you only for sex that's it that guy and get yourself a new man hopefully one that's not marry if he has felt this way he would have let his wife and been with you obviously something is keeping him with his wife. Oh and that's bull that his wife sleeps on the couch that dumbass!!

[ScottGem]

Hes ogled , therefore he made it known hes up for it so started it. Thats what i think. This could go on and on but even though my part is played in this it still amazes me why men go elsewhere whatever if they are married and risk kids ect. If you dont want it get out ** thats what i say before you start making eyes at other women.

You just don't get it do you? Jake's response was very well said. It DOES NOT matter whether he made himself available to you. It DOES NOT matter what type of relationship he has with his wife, It DOES NOT matter whether he made the first move. What matters is that since he was married he was off limits. Therefore, you should have refused his advances, at least until he was no longer legally married.

He isn't posting here, you are. We can't advise him, we can only advise you. And the advice to you is that you were wrong to take up with this man and wrong to have a continuing relationship with him. Until you admit and accept that you cannot move on.