[Jake2008]

That is one exceptionally well written response.

I do hope you are listening and considering your options Bubbles.

Advice doesn't get any better than this.

[sadmummy]

Having his cake and eatting it comes to mind.It sounds like he has a lovely family life at home and you on the side. Basically he is using you,I hope you take this comment in the way it was meant.

[Bubbles2222345]

I read and try to understand all the comments all the well meant comments here. Apart from being with this man this is going to sound strange but I just want to understand WHY MEN DO THIS? Why get married have a lovely family, stay with them and lie and cheat?? To me you don't love someone if your prepared to LIE?? As I said there are loads of sides and it could go round for ever. Its almost like I'm not taken in by him I know he could be lying, I also know he might not be. I end up almost wanting despaerately to help him and understand why he's doing this to me and to her. I just don't understand when I was told he did not sleep with her he looked so upset genuinely and told me she did not want him. He also told me honestly he does want her but she cannot stand him touching her. I don't know what the other side of this story is? Why will he not do Something then to win back his wife? That's what I cannot understand. And I cannot understand why he says its so difficult when they spend time together the whole family that is. Most men cannot wait to go on Holiday with their families. He says they all do their own thing and keep out of each others way indoors? WHY?? Its so sad and Strange.

[JudyKayTee]

I read and try to understand all the comments all the well meant comments here. Apart from being with this man this is going to sound strange but i just want to understand WHY MEN DO THIS?. Why get married have a lovely family, stay with them and lie and cheat??. To me you dont love someone if your prepared to LIE??. As i said there are loads of sides and it could go round for ever. Its almost like im not taken in by him i know he could be lying, i also know he might not be. I end up almost wanting despaerately to help him and understand why hes doing this to me and to her. I just dont understand when i was told he did not sleep with her he looked so upset genuinely and told me she did not want him. He also told me honestly he does want her but she cannot stand him touching her. I dont know what the other side of this story is?. Why will he not do Something then to win back his wife?? thats what i cannot understand. And i cannot understand why he says its so difficult when they spend time together the whole family that is. Most men cannot wait to go on Holiday with their families. He says they all do their own thing and keep out of each others way indoors?. WHY??. Its so sad and Strange.

Well, for starters, why do you care why he lies?

He lies to you and has a family and you on the side because he can, because - quite frankly - YOU allow it.

Let's see - why wouldn't he say he still loves his wife, he still sleeps with his wife, the sex is great? Oh, I know - because if he said that you'd be less understanding and he'd be back to having sex with only one woman, his wife.

Maybe he hates women. Maybe he thinks he's G*d's gift to women. Maybe he's a serial liar. I have no idea.

Again, why do you care? Who knows why anybody does anything.

You want to help him? Help him do what? He's an adult. Why can't he help himself?

[Bubbles2222345]

Having his cake and eatting it comes to mind.It sounds like he has a lovely family life at home and you on the side. Basicly he is using you,i hope you take this comment in the way it was ment.

How can he have a LOVELY?? Family life when its known his wife does not want him and they all find it difficult to be together as I have already said and people seem to be overlooking this statement?? Its obviously not lovely is it?? No offence taken and no offence meant. Thanks.

[JudyKayTee]

How can he have a LOVELY???? family life when its known his wife does not want him and they all find it difficult to be together as i have already said and people seem to be overlooking this statement????. Its obviously not lovely is it??. No offence taken and no offence meant. Thanks.

Who knows that his wife does not want him and they find it difficult to be together? You? Him? His wife? The entire town?

I do agree with you, though - there is no lovely family life if he's involved with another woman.

[Bubbles2222345]

No one not even me can say what is the truth one way or another, but no there can be no Happy life at home.

[JudyKayTee]

I disagree - he's got the best of both worlds.

For someone who is done with him you don't seem to be able to drop it.

And, again - why does his family life matter to you? You should be concerned - if it's your choice to continue the relationship - about your "life" with him, not his life with her.

He is presumably an adult. If he's unhappy he can leave. If he's not unhappy he can stay.

[greeneyes82]

Just remember, what goes around comes around... and deservingly so.

[Bubbles2222345]

It is a well known fact that people stay in marrieages for kids even though they are unhappy. Some people even have open marriages?? If someone is happy they DO NOT go searching or get involved with anyone else EVER. So something is obviously wrong whichever way you look at it. I think people should stop trying to make out they go with other women because of this or that but OHHH they have a lovely home life, and they love their wife's. Sorry, if you love someone and you want them you DO NOT CHEAT. There has to be problems.

[Bubbles2222345]

I disagree - he's got the best of both worlds.

For someone who is done with him you don't seem to be able to drop it.

And, again - why does his family life matter to you? You should be concerned - if it's your choice to continue the relationship - about your "life" with him, not his life with her.

He is presumably an adult. If he's unhappy he can leave. If he's not unhappy he can stay.

No as I can see there is both sides and no one knows as I have said. I would feel awful if I told him too go away and then found out his wife was really horrible and he was feeling awful for real. I am concerned as I love him and want to find out what is wrong so I can better understand where he is coming from.

As I said People stay in marriages for other reasons, they don't want to cause upheaval for kids etc. Although its better to leave.

[ScottGem]

Nothing has changed, has it? You are still trying to justify the fact that you not only enabled this man to cheat on his wife, but you encouraged him despite knowing he was married. Its not going to fly here.

If anyone is unhappy in a marriage, then they end the marriage. ONLY THEN can they enter a relationship with someone else. Anyone who enters into a relationship before the marriage is ended is enabling that person to cheat. And doing so is morally and ethically wrong. There is no moral or ethical justification for that.

[JudyKayTee]

No as i can see there is both sides and no one knows as i have said. I would feel awful if i told him too go away and then found out his wife was really horrible and he was feeling awful for real. I am concerned as i love him and want to find out what is wrong so i can better understand where he is coming from.

As i said People stay in marriages for other reasons, they dont want to cause upheaval for kids ect. Although its better to leave.

You are justifying cheating.

[talaniman]

Poor thing, I feel for you as you have convinced yourself that this is a real relationship. It's not because it's built on lies and deceit, and you have fooled yourself to believe it's real, and has a future. It doesn't unless you like what you have and accept it won't change.

Why do men (and women) cheat? Because it's easy to find someone to cheat with! DUH! You think if it was difficult they would work hard to do it? Hell all you have to do is blow sweet words, and LIES in a willing ear and tell them how miserable you are.

Works every time on a willing person looking for something to bring a thrill to their lives. It's a lot easier than working on finding a real relationship, and growing it into something great for you both. No you just accept what he gives, and he takes what he can get, and when it gets hard, or too much work, I am sure he has a place to go besides home.

Whether his home in terrible, or great, doesn't matter because as you said if it were as bad as he says why is he still there? Why doesn't he leave where he is unwanted and miserable, and come where he can be comfortable and happy?

Because he doesn't have to because it's not as bad as he says and divorce is too expensive, and a hassle, plus he has you for a quick fix, feel good when he needs it so why bother? He doesn't have to live with your crap both because he already has a female to b1tch at him or whatever, at home and he can leave you and disappear until you don't nag him and bring your own complications to him.

Men cheat because it's the easiest thing to do. And you make it easy. So no worries, he will keep coming back until it gets hard, then he can just replace you with another easy, quick fix, feel good. You let him, because it's easier being a part time mistress than being alone, or with someone who is available to do the hard work to build a relationship.

That's why men cheat (and women), because there is always someone to give them what they want with no strings attached and make it easy to put up a sham relationship that they both can escape to. They can lie, cheat, and get release and say it's real, without the work a commitment takes to make it really real.

When a marriage is built on lies and deceit, it's unhealthy and dysfunctional. Same with a relationship, and affairs are no different, it's just another dysfunctional unhealthy human interaction, but it's easier to go along with the lies, and justify it because, that's all you have. If you had a real life you were really happy with, then you wouldn't fall for this unhealthy crap.

Lie to yourself all you want, but don't expect people to believe it.

[J_9]

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

Bravo! Standing ovation! This woman will never learn and she will end up living a sad lonely existence.

[Bubbles2222345]

You are justifying cheating.

Im not trying to justify, just to look on both sides of which there are and many people just don't seem to want to see that. There are many people who say they stay in a marriage for their kids sake and do not want to cause an upheaval?? yes?? I'm sure even you have heard people say this?? Why do people just seem to want to deny that people can and do stay in an unhappy home for different reasons. Many people stay for years in marriages that have gone sour.

[Bubbles2222345]

Poor thing, I feel for you as you have convinced yourself that this is a real relationship. It’s not because it’s built on lies and deceit, and you have fooled yourself to believe it’s real, and has a future. It doesn't unless you like what you have and accept it won't change.

Why do men (and women) cheat? Because it’s easy to find someone to cheat with! DUH!! You think if it was difficult they would work hard to do it? Hell all you have to do is blow sweet words, and LIES in a willing ear and tell them how miserable you are.

Works every time on a willing person looking for something to bring a thrill to their lives. It’s a lot easier than working on finding a real relationship, and growing it into something great for you both. No you just accept what he gives, and he takes what he can get, and when it gets hard, or too much work, I am sure he has a place to go besides home.

Whether his home in terrible, or great, doesn't matter because as you said if it were as bad as he says why is he still there? Why doesn't he leave where he is unwanted and miserable, and come where he can be comfortable and happy?

Because he doesn't have to because it’s not as bad as he says and divorce is too expensive, and a hassle, plus he has you for a quick fix, feel good when he needs it so why bother? He doesn't have to live with your crap both because he already has a female to b1tch at him or whatever, at home and he can leave you and disappear until you don't nag him and bring your own complications to him.

Men cheat because it’s the easiest thing to do. And you make it easy. So no worries, he will keep coming back until it gets hard, then he can just replace you with another easy, quick fix, feel good. You let him, because it’s easier being a part time mistress than being alone, or with someone who is available to do the hard work to build a relationship.

That’s why men cheat (and women), because there is always someone to give them what they want with no strings attached and make it easy to put up a sham relationship that they both can escape to. They can lie, cheat, and get release and say it’s real, without the work a commitment takes to make it really real.

When a marriage is built on lies and deceit, it’s unhealthy and dysfunctional. Same with a relationship, and affairs are no different, it’s just another dysfunctional unhealthy human interaction, but it’s easier to go along with the lies, and justify it because, that’s all you have. If you had a real life you were really happy with, then you wouldn't fall for this unhealthy crap.

Lie to yourself all you want, but don't expect people to believe it.

I never said I thought it had any future, although I would if he wanted. Im not going around thinking it's a real relationship at all. Im looking at both sides. As you said yourself he lives in a dysfunctional family life, then its not a lovely home life is it. And if he has somewhere else to go, why does he keep coming back to me saying he does not want anyone else. He has told me he wants to build on this and start respecting me and treating me like a lady which probably means maybe he wants to leave. You have a different eye on this . What do you say then about people who do end up in happy relationships with people who are married or divorced. These people started seeing these men when they were married and I have a friend who has done just that and ended up being happy with her boyfriend who has now left his marriage. She saw him for a long time while he was still living with his wife. If you had said to her what you have said here then you would have been wrong would you not?? It does work out for some, do you not agree??

[JudyKayTee]

Im not trying to justify, just to look on both sides of which there are and many people just dont seem to want to see that. There are many people who say they stay in a marriage for their kids sake and do not want to cause an upheaval??, yes??? im sure even you have heard people say this???. Why do people just seem to want to deny that people can and do stay in an unhappy home for different reasons. Many people stay for years in marriages that have gone sour.

I think you raised this same issue and there was an entire conversation about it some posts ago -

[JudyKayTee]

I never said i thought it had any future, although i would if he wanted. Im not going around thinking its a real relationship at all. Im looking at both sides. As you said yourself he lives in a dysfunctional family life, then its not a lovely home life is it. And if he has somewhere else to go, why does he keep coming back to me saying he does not want anyone else. He has told me he wants to build on this and start respecting me and treating me like a lady which probably means maybe he wants to leave. You have a different eye on this . What do you say then about people who do end up in happy relationships with people who are married or divorced. These people started seeing these men when they were married and i have a friend who has done just that and ended up being happy with her boyfriend who has now left his marriage. She saw him fo a long time while he was still living with his wife. If you had said to her what you have said here then you would have been wrong would you not???. It does work out for some, do you not agree???.

Quite frankly, he comes back because he can, you don't ask him to take out the garbage, he can complain to you and not be judged (obviously), you think he's the sun and the moon. And, for all I know, the sex is easy and good.

I'm also a little bit tired of hearing about your one friend who stabbed another woman in the heart in order to get that woman's husband. She's happy with him as her boyfriend? I note the word "husband" does not appear.

And to the mods - this is many, many posts into the same question. The same old ground is bring covered again - time to close?

[talaniman]

I never said I thought it had any future, although I would if he wanted. Im not going around thinking it's a real relationship at all. Im looking at both sides. As you said yourself he lives in a dysfunctional family life, then its not a lovely home life is it. And if he has somewhere else to go, why does he keep coming back to me saying he does not want anyone else. He has told me he wants to build on this and start respecting me and treating me like a lady which probably means maybe he wants to leave. You have a different eye on this . What do you say then about people who do end up in happy relationships with people who are married or divorced. These people started seeing these men when they were married and I have a friend who has done just that and ended up being happy with her boyfriend who has now left his marriage. She saw him for a long time while he was still living with his wife. If you had said to her what you have said here then you would have been wrong would you not?? It does work out for some, do you not agree??

If you or them were so happy then what are you doing asking for help and advice for? Look around, do you see any "I am so happy post" here No!! And do you honestly think people will condone cheating, lying, and deceit? You call me wrong, but you must be crazy if you think I will condone you being WRONG!!

If you are happy cheating, then keep doing it, if you are happy with the crap the way it is, enjoy it and stop trying to get people to agree with what you are doing.

I have a life I am happy with and lying and cheating is not a part of it. If you and your friends are happy with what you have I am happy for you, but you and your friends have life and BS ALL mixed up! Just my opinion, and understand your friends haven't posted here, YOU have, and I bet he doesn't leave his wife, and if you try and make him, he will just get another chick on the side.

Hey it may work for a few to find happiness as a mistress, but few make it as a wife from a mistress. If you do, more power
To you. Let me know how it works for you.

He seems like he's trying to push me away one minute and cannot wait to see me the next. Do you think this sort of man I have described would be seeing someone else apart from me? I need advice as I love him and want to know if he has feelings for me. Thanks.

What else would you expect when you share a guy with his wife and family? Sometimes he doesn't have time for you. You want to wait until he gets a divorce then WAIT! If he will cheat on his wife, he will cheat on you if you make this too hard for him. What part do you not understand??