[AA24]

I've been dating this girl for a couple of months. We started rocky; we were just lovers, but I ended up wanting something deeper. She didn't at first, and this rocked us for a couple of weeks. Then we go on a trip with a group, and she has some sort of wake-up moment and comes back as my girlfriend.

Now we've "official" for about a month, and today she hits me with the breakup talk, right before we're about to have a two-day mini vacation together (I have to house sit for my parents and they were going to pay for us to have fun in Atlanta while we are there). I became very sad and asked her several times for a reason, though I can at least say I was dignified enough not to beg her to keep me. I just wanted to know why, and she couldn't give me anything.

I went through the list; did she think I was physically attractive, did she like my personality, my ambitions, my intelligence, and did she enjoy spending time with me? Her answer to all of these was yes, so I really wanted to know what the problem was, and I mentioned that I couldn't believe she decided to do this within hours of our trip.

She then insisted that she go with me anyway, and since I don't want to be in my parents' creepy house in the middle of the woods alone with alcohol, I agreed. Then she decided she wants to give us a couple more weeks because she's not ready to lose my companionship.

I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS and in fact I asked several times if she was sure she wanted to do that. I told her that if we date for a couple more weeks to see where things go I expect her to be my girlfriend (e.g. holding hands, kissing in public, and even having sex). She agreed to all of this, and even seemed happy about the intimacy, which threw me off because if she's over me why would she be looking forward to PDA and sex?

I've decided I would like her company for this trip, but should I allow this 2-week grace period to happen? I don't see how I could be much better to her, I treat her like a princess. It seems like she's trying to make this work (how over me could she be if she's not only willing but seemingly eager to have sex with me?), but I don't know what if anything would change her attitude. Sometimes I think that she's just absolutely terrified of commitment; her last boyfriend only came to see her for one weekend each month. She sees me pretty much every day.

Of course nothing would make me happier than to have her realize that she's making a huge mistake, but I don't know what would trigger that. Maybe showing her a great time over the next couple of days?

If you guys have advice, I would really appreciate it.

-A

[ironhide262]

My 2 cents... this girl is in it for the sex and companionship- nothing more. Your big mistake here is thinking that because she wants/is having sex with you that she is committed to being your girlfriend and wants something deeper.

You started as lovers and that's what you still are... she knows it, which is why she is so wishy-washy... perhaps her conscience is getting to her.

If you really want to leave the confusion behind you and find a true girlfriend then it's time to move on.

[talaniman]

Oh come on guy, this isn't a relationship after two months, you both are just two strangers exploring, and experimenting. What do you expect after 2 months? You want a relationship? Stop acting like couple and talk to each other. Bodies and alcohol are great, but take those away and you will see if its still fun.

Then you will know if your minds get along. If they do, then you will have a relationship. Hey you wanted to get deeper, so find out about her, and what the hurry? Its a process that takes time, not constant/regular artificial stimulation, and lust.

[AA24]

Note: This one is a bit long but please bear with me. I’m extremely sad and I need advice ASAP! I’ve tried to keep the paragraphs short and spaced and I’ve added narrative structure to make it flow easier.

My girlfriend of two months and I broke up just a few days ago. I know it was inevitable; we were not working out. We had actually had the breakup talk a couple of times already and managed to convince ourselves to keep going. She wasn’t happy with me, and because she wasn’t happy I wasn’t happy. Still I desperately clung to her for several reasons, though most of them can be traced back to fear: fear being alone again, fear of losing her influence (it wasn’t all bad), and yes, fear of losing someone I was sexually compatible with.

I brought it up; it was one night after we hadn’t seen each other for a couple of days. When I came back to see her I noticed that not only was she not particularly happy to see me, she made a concerted effort to not touch me (kissing, holding hands, hugging, etc.) We went to Walmart to get groceries and I could just see that she was not happy at all, so on the way home, I stopped in an empty parking lot. She asked what was wrong. After a beat, I looked into her eyes and said “you’re not happy, are you?”

She knew instantly what I meant. “No,” She said. “Not the way I should be.”

We talked for a long time. I insisted that we go No Contact for 30 days. She agreed, but she also insisted on staying at my place for fear that I would do something stupid out of depression (not saying I wouldn’t have). At the time she entertained the idea of maybe something working out if we tried again after a few months, but I didn’t believe that.

I asked her if she was still pining after her last boyfriend (this was an issue through the relationship), and she said yes, and that she would probably go back to him eventually.

The next morning we woke up and everything seemed normal. She kissed me, she held me, and we almost had sex (she stopped me). But still I knew that this was just a “last hurrah” sort of thing. I talked to her about going No Contact for 30 days. She didn’t like that idea at all. After some back-and-forth, I told her that if she helped me find new social environments to meet and interact with people, then we could stay friends (that wasn’t the final word on this, though).

As her shift at work approached and I knew I had to take her back to her place, I clasped her hands and looked at her and said “we’re still breaking up, aren’t we?”

She nodded and said “yes.”

We had another long talk. I cried. I don’t like to admit that, but it hurt so bad. She cried a bit too, which is rare for her because she had a rough childhood and usually represses her emotions. I asked her if there was any hope for us at all. She shook her head and said “No, I don’t think there is.” That hurt like a nail in my heart.

Anyway, when it came time for her to go to work, I gathered everything that reminded me of her in a bag and gave it to her, including a Christmas gift she had gotten me. This made her cry and she refused to take it back (just the gift), so I tucked it away and out of sight.

I helped her move her things back to her place. I looked at her and I knew that staying friends just wasn’t an option at this point. I was in tears knowing that she would no longer be mine, and being around her but not having her would just be a form of self torture.

“So, no contact then?” I said.

She nodded. “Maybe, yeah.”

We agreed that if she was interested, she could call me on day 31 and we could arrange a time to have lunch and catch up. I also asked her to promise me that during these 30 days she not see anyone else, as it would help me greatly with my recovery. She said that she would honor my request out of respect for me. She then made me promise that I would break No Contact one time to call her on her birthday. Even though I said OK, I think I’ll just be dropping off her gift (I had already bought it) and a letter. And then she kissed me goodbye, and I left and cried out loud for about a half hour.

It’s been 3 days since then. I’ve been doing this No Contact thing as best as I can: I’ve deleted her from Facebook (and blocked her too, so that I couldn’t see her even if I typed in her name), I’ve deleted her number from my phone, all her texts, all photos and videos, and I’ve gotten rid of everything that even remotely reminds me of her.

Now her birthday is just a couple of days away. This is heavily taxing on me, because the conditions could not be more perfect for her to have sex with her ex (the one before me that she said she would go back to): She’ll be alone, bored, and maybe a little sad on her birthday. Her roommate will be gone for the weekend, and she knows that I won’t be around. I’m so terrified that she’ll booty call that guy. The thought of her having sex with another man, especially just days after dumping me, makes me furious and morbidly depressed.

All I want to do is call her, see her, maybe be the guy she chooses to have sex with because she’s depressed and alone on her birthday. Although it was my idea this No Contact thing is killing me inside. I’m going crazy wondering what she is doing, and yes, wondering why she hasn’t broken down and called me, although I know that that’s silly because if anything she’s just honoring my request.

I’m going to be dropping off her gift in front of her apartment on the morning of her birthday. Part of me wants to try and do it in a manner in which she will see me. My subconscious is trying to make me win her back, where my rational mind is telling me that I MUST NOT see her!

A large part of this is because I’m tempted to spend that day with her, just to keep her from booty calling her ex. Even if I don’t sleep with her or even touch her, at least it would keep her from servicing another guy so soon after our breakup. Yet again my rational mind tells me that if the only way she would honor my request is not because she cares about me, but because she’s forced to by my presence, then she might as well not uphold it at all. Or worse, I might see her and she might just boot me out because he’s on his way over. That would be crushing.

I need you guys to help me! The temptation is driving me crazy!! I want so badly to go there and see her on her birthday and keep her from having a one night stand with her ex (her other ex)! The not knowing is killing me! Help me, please!!

P.S. The worst part about all of this is that she lives just a 10 minute walk from my house, a 3 minute drive. The fear that she might be doing that in such proximity to me is maddening, and knowing that she is so close and easily accessed makes it that much more tempting to go over there on her birthday.

[Fr_Chuck]

So she has sex with her ex, the next door neighbor and the mail man, who cares, you are over and she is free to have sex with them, so you are mad it is not you having sex ?

You have to accept it is over, and just move on, So go over and join in with the ex and mail man huh?

No, you have some pride and self respect and move on

[AA24]

So she has sex with her ex, the next door neighbor and the mail man, who cares, you are over and she is free to have sex with them, so you are mad it is not you having sex ?

You have to accept it is over, and just move on, So go over and join in with the ex and mail man huh?

No, you have some pride and self respect and move on

It's not so much about the sex as it is the hurt of thinking that she could move on so quickly without any consideration for the fact that I'm heartbroken here.

[talaniman]

What is she supposed to do about YOUR heartbreak? Nothing, she has hr own issues to deal with so just keep the NC!! Its tough, and break ups suck!

[AA24]

After 4 days of No Contact I broke down while jogging past her place and checked to see if she was there. She was, and we ended up hanging out and relapsing a bit (we kissed).

We spent the day together and she had to work from 4-8. Right before she left we agreed to get dinner together. When I saw her after work she said she woud rather go see her adoptive family. She invited me to go.

Lucky me (sarcastic) I just got through talking to a councilor who told me I should assert myself more. So I said "I reserved this night for us and I would really appreciate it if you went with me to dinner like we said." She agreed and we went to dinner. On the way there I told her that I was still feeling for her and we would probably have to go back into no contact after tonight. This stressed her, I could tell.

At dinner she expressed that she wasn't feeling good. She was PMS, I think. I had asked the waiters to do the birthday surprise and she got really upset with me. On the way back she was so mad she wouldn't talk to me. I stopped on the way to her place and said that I didn't want to leave things like this.

She then blew up a bit and told me we kept relapsing over and over and she was sick of it and I need to move on. I retorted that I was just trying to be a good friend, but upon reflection, I don't think that was true.

I drove her home and we sat for a few minutes. She blew up again and told me that I keep trying to make this thing happen that is never going to work and I need to get over it and move on. I got upset and said "you know what? I don't think I will try anymore," to which she replied with an angry "good."

After we cooled down she got out and I did too to give her a hug. She said I was her best friend and she would miss me. But as she went to her door she said "See you in Fall."

I got scared and said "So we won't speak after 30 days (like we had originally agreed)?"

"I don't know." She said.

Then, like a complete moron, I had the audacity to say "hey don't forget your promise to me!" I was referring to our pact not to date anyone during the 30 days of No Contact.

She turned and said "Yeah, no problem, I'll just be bitter and lonely for the next month."

I didn't know what to say and she just closed the door.

I was about to leave but I still didn't want her to be mad at me. I knew she was about to come back out to go to her adoptive family's house. I waited and when she did I said "please, I don't want things to end like this."

She said "I'm going to their house now."

I said "I was just trying to be a good friend." At this point she exploded. I don't remember exactly what she said but I remember it being about how she really wanted to see her adoptive family and that I had kept her from doing that.

I admitted that I had been selfish, and she agreed, and then she said "I've been holding my emotions back because of your feelings, but now I'm not holding back, I'm exploding. I'm going to spend the last hour of my birthday with the only family I have. I shouldn't have skipped out on them." I could see she was about to cry. Then she said "Have a good night," in a manner that was meant to say "piss off."

Guys, I know how terrible I was. My friend tried to tell me that I was just doing what any friend would do, have a good night out with her, but no, if I had been a good friend I would have gone to see her adoptive family with her and not make her do what I wanted on her birthday.

I feel so bad I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. As I said we had discussed no contact earlier in the evening so I know I won't be hearing from her.

But I don't want to leave it this way!! We remember relationships by how they end, and I don't want her to forget all the good times we had and only ever remember me as the jerk who ruined her birthday.

How can I make this up to her? I'm willing to do anything to fix this and make her see that I'm a decent person. I thought about getting her a bunch of Mexican petunias with an apology note. She was infatuated with them while we were in New Orleans volunteering and she had always wanted some to grow. I thought I might leave a picture of us volunteering together with it as well.

Please help me! I know what a terrible person I was and I feel so bad I can't even look in the mirror. I want to make this up to her. I don't care about No Contact anymore, at least not until I can earn her forgiveness. I really did want us to be friends, but now I fear we may never be!

[talaniman]

Please leave her alone. Can't you see that what you want is nowhere near what she wants? Get control of yourself. Any way you cut it NC is made for you.