[Alty]

Here are a few funny little quotes to make you smile. Feel free to add your own. :)

Santa goes to your house, down your chimney, and watches you while you sleep and everyone adores him. But I do it ONE time...

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Toilet paper is a lot like money... You never seem to have any when you need it most.

Interviewer: "We want to hire responsible people." Me:"Great! When things go wrong people always say say I'm "responsible.

A relationship without trust is like a phone with no service. What do you do with a phone with no service? You play games.

A video of humans having sex is pornography. A video of animals having sex is a documentary.

Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except for you.

The "i" before "e' rule is weird.

If you ever google "Gary Oldman" for Pete's sake don't forget the "R

I really need to stop saying, "how stupid can you be?" People are taking it as a challenge.

Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you've got, watch him walk through a spider web.

I accidentally used aol.com to search for something today. I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful about the future.

I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

Your ex asking to be friends after a break up is like kidnappers asking you to "keep in touch" after letting you go. (I'm using this one the next time someone asks if they can be friends with their ex). :)

Like medicine, People should come with warning labels... May cause drowsiness and persistent headaches.

If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.

The Little Mermaid was basically a hoarder.

I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped and shattered my phone.

My wife's phone's space button is broken and she text me phonebrokenIwantanalternate I'm excited, but what is a ternate? (LMAO!)

Beware of websites and women that ask you to continue unprotected.

Okay, now dazzle me. Oh, and before anyone asks, no, I didn't come up with these. It's called the internet. Isn't it grand? :)

[Alty]

A few more for your reading pleasure;

I changed my car horn to sound like gun shots. People get out of my way a lot faster now.

Live today like it's your last! (but use a condom just in case it isn't)

Relationships are like farting, if you push to hard things can get messy real fast.

I think I was mistaken when my boss told me she liked to see me hard at work.

Craft time with the kids. One just ate enough glitter to crap a Lady Gaga costume.

We should all be thankful for Facebook & twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we may never actually SEE our friends again.

WebMD is the perfect website if you want to find out you have 14 different types of cancer and possibly other deadly diseases.

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes.

Saying "beer can" with a British accent sounds like "bacon" with a Jamaican accent.

When I was 17 I thought my parents were the stupidest people in the world. At 21 I was amazed at how much they had learned in 4 years.

[Chardel]

Thanks! Needed a giggle ;)

[Stringer]

:) Funeeee ! :)

[indya]

Loved it!!
:D

[smartblondy]

I don't get the Gary oldman joke explain :confused: but others were hilarious :)

[LadySam]

Funny Stuff

[Alty]

I don't get the Gary oldman joke explain :confused: but others were hilarious :)

If you take away the "R" you're googling gay old man. :)

[smartblondy]

That makes sense really funny :)

[klarsenartwork]

Here are a few funny little quotes to make you smile. Feel free to add your own. :)

Santa goes to your house, down your chimney, and watches you while you sleep and everyone adores him. But I do it ONE time...

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Toilet paper is a lot like money... You never seem to have any when you need it most.

Interviewer: "We want to hire responsible people." Me:"Great! When things go wrong people always say say I'm "responsible.

A relationship without trust is like a phone with no service. What do you do with a phone with no service? You play games.

A video of humans having sex is pornography. A video of animals having sex is a documentary.

Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except for you.

The "i" before "e' rule is weird.

If you ever google "Gary Oldman" for Pete's sake don't forget the "R

I really need to stop saying, "how stupid can you be?" People are taking it as a challenge.

Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you've got, watch him walk through a spider web.

I accidentally used aol.com to search for something today. I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful about the future.

I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

Your ex asking to be friends after a break up is like kidnappers asking you to "keep in touch" after letting you go. (I'm using this one the next time someone asks if they can be friends with their ex). :)

Like medicine, People should come with warning labels...May cause drowsiness and persistent headaches.

If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.

The Little Mermaid was basically a hoarder.

I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped and shattered my phone.

My wife's phone's space button is broken and she text me phonebrokenIwantanalternate I'm excited, but what is a ternate? (LMAO!)

Beware of websites and women that ask you to continue unprotected.

Okay, now dazzle me. Oh, and before anyone asks, no, I didn't come up with these. It's called the internet. Isn't it grand? :)

Sign outside a diner reads, Eat here or we'll both starve.

[Alty]

Sign outside a diner reads, Eat here or we'll both starve.

Love it! It's funny, and also true, especially in today's economy.

[ScottGem]

If you ever google "Gary Oldman" for Pete's sake don't forget the "R

I was building an app recently that involved tracking sales leads, what my company calls "opportunities". So, I thought it would be cute to use a door for the main menu i.e. Opportunity Knocking. Along with that I thought it would be cute to use door knockers as icons for the menu options.

So I made the mistake of searching for "knockers" and not being more specific. ;)

[Alty]

So I made the mistake of searching for "knockers" and not being more specific.

ROTFLMAO!

Scott, you owe me a new keyboard. I just spewed beer all over mine!

[klarsenartwork]

I was building an app recently that involved tracking sales leads, what my company calls "opportunities". So, I thought it would be cute to use a door for the main menu i.e. Opportunity Knocking. Along with that I thought it would be cute to use door knockers as icons for the menu options.

So I made the mistake of searching for "knockers" and not being more specific. ;)

Knock Knock, who's there!