[tammywatkins]

I really don't like my boyfriends friends. They are very much men about town, endless boys nights, booze and women and no respect for relationships or how to hold one. Additionally they are the snobby, fashy kind and find them fake.

My bfs best friend tried it on with me at the beginning of our relationship and I told my boyfriend about it. My boyfriend was upset and being very principled and to my surprise cut off his best friend. However as a result my boyfriend has been quite severe and cut them all off compltely which saddens me for him as he feels he can't mix with his friends knowing his best friend is there too pretending nothing happened. On their side they think I am cutting him off and think I am ruining his life which is not the case.

His friends are always doing 'boy' things and inviting him along and take it against any of the guys who doesn't join in. My boyfriend never lets on and when he does I always encourage him wholeheartedly to go as don't want him to feel he is missing out as they are all childhod friends but he never leaves me behind. However, we are soon moving back home where we will all be together and worry about the escalating effect.

I love my boyfriend and want him to be happy and even though he never talks about this with me I know he feels it inside. However, they and I just don't get along but when I see them am always extra polite and welcoming. All I care about is that my boyfriend is happy and just want to find a way of handling things so that my boyfriend is happy and I am not anxious.

Please give advise - much needed!!

[Nohitter410]

Well the funny thing I can relate to this perfectly. Through college and since I graduated those are the types of friends I had and have and we are always out there partying having a good time with women all on our minds. My now ex-girlfriend had a lot of trouble dealing with that and always had a gut feeling that I would do something to jeapardize out relationship once we started dating.

I would say that would be the one relationship killer is jealousy and someone altering their life for someone else. I do see your point of view that his friend had come on to you and that is unforgivable. You don't do that to your boy and that is hard to look past. I would say just like if something like that happens maybe you could try to be the bigger person and try to have a night out with some of your girlfriends and his friends and just hang out and try to mend some bridges but make sure you boyfriend would want that because I mean it was his best friend and everyone makes mistakes.

I would be pretty freakn pissed too. The other option is to say have a boys night out and have a good time with them or something. But the one good thing you can take from this is he is willing to cut off his best friend and take your side over yours, that shows a sign of maturity and a willingness to make the two of you work.

He either needs to find other boys to hang out with or find a way to hang out with those other guys that didn't come on to you or you can try to mend the bridges but ultimately it is your bf's decision. You can only tell him how you feel.

[tammywatkins]

Hey thanks for the advise! :)

Am feeling like this because at the moment we live abroad and his best friend is coming over and insisting on lads nights out with him and other guys. We have since moved in together which is a big deal for everyone back home so all the more I think it is apparent I am not included and last November when he came over he insisted on staying at his place (we were not living together then). Also his best friend acts as if it never happened in front of him and my boyfriend has never thrashed it out with him.

I am worried that down the line, because my boyfriend is proud he will lie to me about meeting them. On my part I don't have a prob with him being with them at all as I trust him and respect the fact entirely that a happy relationship involves having other friendships and time apart but if I find out he lies it will be a big personal problem for me and worry about how I would handle it since I'm in love and therefore not rationale!

[Nohitter410]

Then tell him that... he needs to hear this from you

But don't get mad if he does once in awhile choose to go out with these guys but it will make him closer to you to know that you want him to happy in all aspects of his life. But at the same time, it is still hard that his best friend did that. You two are living together so these kind of mature talks sometimes need to happen. No ultimatums just trying to let him understand that you care and want to make sure he is happy

[talaniman]

You will only be less anxious by trusting him to respect and honor you and be faithful so let him have his fun and maybe have fun with your own friends.

[kp2171]

Mixed feelings here. Understand much of what I'm about to say isn't accusing you of doing the things I'm mentioning... just talking about this kind of situation generally...

I think its dangerous to expect a guy to drop his friends for a relationship... and often unhealthy. We all sacrifice time with others to devote time to an intimate relationship. But there needs to be a balance. And he needs his cavemen buddies to hang with now and then. Even if you encourage him and he doesn't out of respect for your feelings, I think it isn't sustainable long term.

The other side is sometimes you outgrow friends. My daughters ex-bf went through this when they were together. Some of his HS buddies were fine to be around doing "guy things", but not necessarily good for the maturing issue... eventually he chose to distance himself from them, in part after problems between they and my daughter came up... so in that light it was OK. He realized they weren't long term friendship material.

But again, I've hung out with guys I didn't necessarily like all that much, but they were fun to hang with.

So what to do? As long as you trust him, do your best to let him get out and get some guy time. Long term, it'll be healthier for you both... as long as you aren't disrespected or put into a bad position.

Don't hold it against him too much that he has these friends. Snobby and flashy to you... but he might have other ties to them that you just don't see. So do your best to push him out the door now and then to go with the guys... he's a big boy now. He can handle it. If he continues to refuse to see them, well, again, maybe he's made a choice.

Is he a student? Does he work? A lot of the friendshipd I had in HS dropped off in time, and others were gained, often through work and other functions like sports.

[tammywatkins]

Thanks a lot guys for answering... its helping.

To put things more in the picture we are in our mid twenties and they are childhood friends... they were all in my college course and funnily enough it was through his best friend I met my boyfriend...

Even though they are not might type I totally get that he should be alone with them and at Christmas when we were home really encouraged him to see them as felt bad for him that he was getting slaak from all of them as none of them know what happened between him and his best friend and his best friend is going around telling everyone he abandoned his friends.

Honeslty, my boyfriend is great in that respect. He tells me he wants that I am around and if not then so be it, but deep down I feel bad for him as he is very introvert and worry it will build up resentment between us some day.. the fact that his friends have no regard for the relationship worries me honestly as back home we can't avoid each other.

I am also not sure how to handle seeing them anymore and worry about the long term effect. Because it involves me and his best friend my boyfriend doesn't like talking about it with me which I understand so am a bit stuck.

Please bring on more advice!!

[tammywatkins]

Hi.. me again.. same problem.. only feel worse... we are going back home in a few weeks and all his friends are organising boys night etc which basically is dinner followed by private strip shows with strippers and they insist on holding one for him... all are going even the ones with gf's (they just lie to them)...

I feel so uncomfortable now seeing them, and I find the thought of being nice and friendly to them extremely difficult, especially when all they will do is ignore me... I have known these guys all throughout college and this blatant disrespect towards our relationship and me is getting to me... I don't fit in with their crowd as they are jocks with more money than sense and I feel the tension rising.

Part of me concludes well if these are his friends I guess my boyfriend must be like that too which sends me into panic mode... and hate being like this as we have a really great relationship and talk of the future together.

Please help on how to cope seeing them and not letting them make me feel inferior or uncomfortable and tackle these issues politely.

[sypher373]

Tammy,

My ex and I had similar problems. She absolutely hated alcohol due to childhood person reasons, and I hung out with friends who enjoyed to drink once in a while. It would kill her when I wanted to hang out with them, and it was a source of a lot of fights. I tried, more than once, to not go see them and spend more time with her, but it is almost impossible to ask someone to give up his friends for a relationship. That will only lead to dependence.

She hardly hung out with me when I was with my friends, she was never very comfortable around them, and I think she grew to resent them because she felt they were a bad influence on me.

Your situation, however, is a bit different. I could understand her being mad at me if my friends were going to strip clubs, and lying to their girlfriends. Personally, I don't blame you one bit for being uncomfortable with that idea. It sounds as though you encourage him to go out, which is great, but he almost must respect your feelings on somehting such as this.

Is it possible he can go out to dinner and not to the strip club? Can they change their plans? I understand how you must be feeling -- like all of his friends despise you because of what you "are doing to him", when in reality, your not doing anything wrong.

Im sure its tough to understand the relationship a guy has with his friends, beucase from what I've seen, a group of guy friends behaves much much differently than a group of girl friends. I can guarantee you that he feels pressure from his friends, and doesn't want to deal with the instigating he will feel if he backs out, I know I hate that.

At this point, there isn't much that can be done from your end. The best you can do is talk to him, and have an honest conversation. The decision is his, you cannot force him to do anything, but I would make it abundantly clear how you have no issues with him spending time with his friends, and having "guys nights", but your not comfortable with strippers.

[kp2171]

I'm not sure anything has changed since your last posts... just time has gone by and things are as they were.

So I'm not sure I have any new advice. Only you can decide if this is an action that you find offensive enough to halt the relationship. Lots of people write in with the "hes so great except (fill in the blank)"... well, if (fill in the blank) keeps being an issue you either need to suck it up or step back.

There is a point where you accept the person you are with as is or you need to back away... sort of. I'm not saying your partner shouldn't strive to be a better person... that's really a lifelong event. But you know he's like this. You don't know if hell outgrow it in a few years or if hell be like this forever.

So... if you have the same problem over and over you either need a different approach (I can't think of one) to solve the problem, a different perspective on the issue, or a different position on the relationship.

If he really is a "great guy except for (fill in the blank)"... you might just need to say your peace and deal with it, if you think the relationship is worth it. If this issue is too big to live with the rest of your life, and it could be one of those things... though most of us guys wise up a little when we become fathers and have more responsibilities, though not all... well if you can't live with it then you have your answer.

Sort of.

[talaniman]

Since this is a one time event, plan something to do and let him do his thing with his buddies. I get you don't like them, but they go back to their own lives and so bite the bullet and return to normal. If this was everyday I could understand, but once in a while why even worry. Don't let your dislikes cloud your judgement, and make this a wedge between you and your mate.

[tammywatkins]

Ok I seriously need to be told what to do without any sympathy here as worse nightmare came true.

Bf has to go home for 4 days on "work" which is partly true.. he booked it over a particular weekend and discouraged me not to come as "I would be in the way" etc, expensive flight etc. Turns out he is having a huge (about 200 hundred people invited) with 3 other friends - one of them being the same best friend who tried it on with me.

I found out, and yesterday we had a conversation about honesty and told him I am glad the issues of the past are settled and how vital it is to me as otherwise I wouldn't have moved in with him (to see how he reacts). He was looking straight at me and said he knows he did wrong in the past and is not dishonest now and realises how important it is.

Today I feel physically sick, deeply hurt, angry and can't believe this is our fairytale relationship.

Honeslty what should I do? My head says break up but my heart is fighting it. I will base my decision on the advise given.

[tammywatkins]

Forgot to say.. the party is a joint birthday party between him, and other friends.

[talaniman]

Is this the same party with the strippers and stuff??

[tammywatkins]

No.. this a joint beach party they are hosting back in our home country... he is going over for work but timed it all so he can go to this joint beach party and not a word to me about this except of course telling me that he is going over to work not party and hence why hassle to go with him for 4 days

Funny thing is his firend (same guy who hit on me) was over in last week but my boyfriend refused to meet him.. am thinking its all just lies.. it will be incredibly hard to break up but if that's what I need to do I need you all t help me.

Yesterdays conversation was a killer as couldn't believe he was able to hide it from me in my face after all the appearances he has given me.

[talaniman]

I really don't see how you can expect honesty, when you yourself was not honest. How does that open the door to honest communications? The thing to do is come clean, and tell him you know what's going on, and what's up! Just think this issue could have been settled already if you had been straight with him in the first place. I don't think your holding back, and testing him will go over to well now. You are already hurt by this, and so will he be but that's what needs to done. Sorry.

[kp2171]

Well, again... if you keep saying he's so great BUT... [fill in the blank]...

Maybe he IS NOT so great... at least for you.

At this point, you don't trust him. At best, he just wants some time alone, you know, with 200 other friends. As I've said before, a healthy relationship means healthy time apart too.

And then at worst, the guy is able to lie to you stone cold about whatever and that means you're stuck with a stomach ache.

So... do you think he is stuck with a stomach ache? Do you think he is worried? Is he posting at help forums, trying to figure out if he is getting taken for a ride?

Well... we both know the answer is no. which means something is way out of whack. Either you or him. No matter, because it means you are unhappy.

So... again, if you keep saying he's great but you can't trust him, or he's great but you can't trust his friends, or whatever... he's not so great for you.

There's just a point sometimes when you need to step back if you are making yourself sick over something and the other person isn't. Something needs to give. You, him, or the relationship.

[emopunk7]

OMG! This is just one of the problems you will have in a relationship. If you love him, just talk it out. Too many relationships end for no reason. You said you trust him. Maybe he doesn't want you to worry so much about the party so he didn't say anything. Sure he should've but you would break up with him because of that? If this is true love, would you even think of breaking up with him? Obviously you really don't know him and you are still discovering new things. Take it slow and talk with him. Together the two of you should come up with something. But don't come here asking for advise and then based on it, break up with your man... It's your life... I see what you're saying though. You're bothered because he seems to be hiding and all of a sudden he doesn't want you to tag along and it all sounds fishy. Talk to him first and then let us know what happened... We're here for you and here to help you... Stay strong either way!