[OneDude79]

Work out whatever arrangement suits the two of you. Our sitter was a teen girl who lived nearby.

I'M ready to snap after reading all your questions and comments about her "missing" sexual satisfaction.

My advice is go to a counselor and talk about this with him/her. Along the way, your wife may be invited to a session (not to be pinned to the wall, but to give you some closure or mental relief). I'm getting the feeling this is all about you, not her (but if I'm wrong, please tell me). MANY women seldom or maybe even never have an orgasm during sex. As for your sexual satisfaction, that's what the counselor will help you with (not personally :), but will talk this through with you).

Your advice seems quite contrary. Everyone else says I should talk to her, you're basically saying I shouldn't. This confuses me. I thought I was being a GOOD guy for being concerned that she was satisfied!

So basically, you're saying, bluntly: Take her word for it, and if she's lying, it's her problem?

Maybe I do have a problem, I'll admit that as well.

Thank you though. :)

[Wondergirl]

What about spoon style? Doggy style is a little vigorous and maybe too adventurous if she doesn't even want to be on top.

[Wondergirl]

Your advice seems quite contrary. Everyone else says I should talk to her, you're basically saying I shouldn't. This confuses me. I thought I was being a GOOD guy for being concerned that she was satisfied!!

No, I said go to a counselor and get your head on straight before you bring this up with your wife. Your wife will probably be invited to at least one session, and the two of you can discuss this with a unbiased person guiding the discussion.

I'm beginning to feel like you are TOO concerned about your wife's satisfaction and that is putting her off, so the counselor would discuss with you how best to approach your wife.

[JudyKayTee]

I agree with Wondergirl, but I'll go a step farther. You are WAY too concerned with her level of satisfaction. You asked her if things are okay in the sex department. She said they are. You don't think so.

Me? I'd believe her.

Now we've gone from one topic to how to suggest doggy style.

People who post here very often have different opinions based on their own experience, education, profession.

Your wife is a lot nicer than I would be. I'd be sick of hearing about MY orgasms (or lack thereof) and I'd make sure you knew. In fact, I would be very reluctant to have sex with you because I would not look forward to the play-by-play that follows.

[OneDude79]

Let me clarify something, I do not ask every time, or give a play by play. In fact, I haven't asked in a while. Many months.

[OneDude79]

OK. Assume she is telling the truth. Should I just be satisfied with not knowing if she ever has had or could have an orgasm?

I can accept that but I hate not knowing.

[Wondergirl]

OK. Assume she is telling the truth. Should I just be satisfied with not knowing if she ever has had or could have an orgasm?

I can accept that but I hate not knowing.

What about both of you making a weight-loss effort together? With working, small kids, AND being overweight, sex is probably not at the top of her list of fun things to do.

What about sensate focus? -- cuddling or a neck/shoulder massage or a quick hug or a fistful of flowers (unless you have flower-eating cats like I do) or holding her hand or writing her a note to tell her how much you value her or putting a "you are the adhesive on my sticky note" colored Post-It where she will find it easily (on her car's dashboard or on the bathroom mirror, etc.) -- like, be sort of romantic.

[OneDude79]

What about both of you making a weight-loss effort together? With working, small kids, AND being overweight, sex is probably not at the top of her list of fun things to do.

What about sensate focus? -- cuddling or a neck/shoulder massage or a quick hug or a fistful of flowers (unless you have flower-eating cats like I do) or holding her hand or writing her a note to tell her how much you value her or putting a "you are the adhesive on my sticky note" colored Post-It where she will find it easily (on her car's dashboard or on the bathroom mirror, etc.) -- like, be sort of romantic.

I am doing the romantic stuff more often.

We are also working on weight loss together.

When/how can I ask about the other questions I have, lime, why she won't touch me at all when we have sex, and why she closes her legs when I try to put my hand there, when she never used to?

I assume now she doesn't want to, but why? Esp. the first one, that hurts me personally. Could it be partly that she really just isn't in the mood? Should I just let it go and see if, down the road when sex is something she seems more interested in, and see if she still does it?

[FirstChair]

Put the kids in a safe place. No more wondering, no more caution, no more questions. Tell your wife you want to have sex with her right now…passionate, spontaneous, crazy, fun, multiple positions, wild wet sex! Tell her you will race her to the bedroom and the last one there has to eat whipped cream off the other one's body part of choice! She's either going to think you have lost your mind or maybe she will shock the hell out of you and beat you to the bedroom first! Happy Sex!

When dealing with yourself…use your head, when dealing with others…use your heart.

[OneDude79]

What about both of you making a weight-loss effort together? With working, small kids, AND being overweight, sex is probably not at the top of her list of fun things to do.

What about sensate focus? -- cuddling or a neck/shoulder massage or a quick hug or a fistful of flowers (unless you have flower-eating cats like I do) or holding her hand or writing her a note to tell her how much you value her or putting a "you are the adhesive on my sticky note" colored Post-It where she will find it easily (on her car's dashboard or on the bathroom mirror, etc.) -- like, be sort of romantic.

I give her nightly stress of the day relief backrubs. She rarely returns the favor.

She moans lightly (in brief interludes, not constantly) when I rub her back, but not during sex. That makes me think t feels far better to her than sex does.

Maybe it does.

[OneDude79]

Put the kids in a safe place. No more wondering, no more caution, no more questions. Tell your wife you want to have sex with her right now…passionate, spontaneous, crazy, fun, multiple positions, wild wet sex! Tell her you will race her to the bedroom and the last one there has to eat whipped cream off the other one’s body part of choice! She’s either gonna think you have lost your mind or maybe she will shock the hell out of you and beat you to the bedroom first! Happy Sex!

When dealing with yourself…use your head, when dealing with others…use your heart.

I am pretty sure if I did that, I would be sitting in the bedroom with a can of whipped cream, while she called 911 because I obviously went nuts.

[Wondergirl]

Can you not ask for sex for a while (without dying) and instead do the sensate focusing and romantic stuff and don't talk about sex AND continue to help with the kids and the household stuff -- try for two weeks and see where that takes you (and report back). And oh, find a counselor.

And if she moans when you massage her but not during sex, maybe your technique needs tweaking? At the library, the sex books are at 612.6 :). (I was a librarian for 30 years.)

[FirstChair]

I am pretty sure if I did that, I would be sitting in the bedroom with a can of whipped cream, while she called 911 because I obviously went nuts.

Well at least you have a sense of humor... You crack me up! ;-)

[OneDude79]

Can you not ask for sex for a while (without dying) and instead do the sensate focusing and romantic stuff and don't talk about sex AND continue to help with the kids and the household stuff -- try for two weeks and see where that takes you (and report back). And oh, find a counselor.

And if she moans when you massage her but not during sex, maybe your technique needs tweaking? At the library, the sex books are at 612.6 :). (I was a librarian for 30 years.)

I'm not sure when I could see a counselor. Would I tell my wife I am seeing one? I work 45 hour weeks as it is.

I was thinking about what you said... just stop mentioning sex for a while. I briefly worried she would think I was no longer attracted to her. I assume if I do that, just doing it is heterosexual than telling her I will stop asking about sex, right?

I know techniques, and have "gotten off" past women before her, but they require her participation, which she seems unwilling to do. That said, I have never come out and said "hey babe, wanna try XXXXX"? I guess I just assume she won't be up for it, since I already know oral is out.

[Wondergirl]

I'm not sure when I could see a counselor. Would I tell my wife I am seeing one? I work 45 hour weeks as it is.

Try the two weeks thing that I mentioned. I'll push you into counseling if that doesn't work :). (I'm a counselor too.)

I was thinking about what you said... just stop mentioning sex for a while. I briefly worried she would think I was no longer attracted to her. I assume if I do that, just doing it is heterosexual than telling her I will stop asking about sex, right?

If you are being romantic now and then and talk with her about the house and kids and play with the kids and help around the house and wash the cars and mow the grass and hold her hand once in a while, she won't feel neglected.

[JudyKayTee]

My spidey senses are starting to tingle - someone is getting a kick out of this thread. That person is not me.

[OneDude79]

My spidey senses are starting to tingle - someone is getting a kick out of this thread. That person is not me.

What is that supposed to mean?

[OneDude79]

Try the two weeks thing that I mentioned. I'll push you into counseling if that doesn't work :). (I'm a counselor too.)

If you are being romantic now and then and talk with her about the house and kids and play with the kids and help around the house and wash the cars and mow the grass and hold her hand once in a while, she won't feel neglected.

Sounds like a plan. I'll try it.

How 'bout my response on techniques?

[Wondergirl]

Which techniques?

[OneDude79]

Which techniques?

The library recommedation, and the fact I don't think she will respond positively to it.