[josie63]

Well, it's my first time here and I'm hoping somebody can guide me with my feelings. My daughter is 19 years old. In the past, she has been very good about asking before going places, and/or also being home more. I know... she is also older now and that's going to change BUT why do I feel like I am missing time together with her? For example, yesterday she went to her boyfriend's house around 6pm and was home after 2am. Today, she texted me letting me know that she was going to the mall with friends around 11am... now she lets me know that she'll be home around 5, will be heading out at 6:30 to see a play and is going out to a club tonight around 11pm. She will probably be sleeping over at a girlfriend's and then be back tomorrow afternoon. She does have a part-time job right now and will be starting University in the fall. I guess the mother-daughter relationship is changing and Im just having a hard time with it.
Please let me know if this is all normal? Am I making too much out of it? Am I just feeling that I am losing control and want to have more control over her?
ANY WORDS OF WISDOM WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED~~

[Fr_Chuck]

You are not making too much out of it, it is a hard and tough time.

It is normal and it is changes you will just have to adjust to. No way to make it easy

[Wondergirl]

You've apparently done a good job raising her, because she seems to feel very capable and independent and isn't clinging to your skirts. I was the oldest child of a minister and his wife, went off to college at 17 (600+ miles away from home!), stayed at college to work in food service during holidays and summer because it was too expensive to travel back and forth, and kept in touch (sort of) by letter, as there were no computers or cell phones back then and long distance phone calls were expensive.

My parents survived my leaving and staying away because there were three younger children and because they were busy with life. I suggest you find ways to keep busy too by joining a book discussion group, volunteering at a hospital or animal shelter or library, or becoming a mentor/classroom aide at a local grade school.

I'm surprised your daughter is still home at 19 and is so compliant about her comings and goings. How far away will she be going when she attends University?

[DoulaLC]

It is very normal to feel as you do... :) This is another one of those transition periods that gradually become easier. She is moving more into adulthood and you will find that your relationship evolves even more into a friendship. It can be a great time! As the others mentioned, it takes a bit of time to adjust, but finding activities to get involved in can help.

Plan things to do with your daughter now and then. Take her out to lunch, go see a movie, watch a DVD together and make ice cream sundaes. Find the little times to catch up here and there. Other times get together more with your friends and fill your new found free time with things you enjoy doing. Some people find it is an especially good time to adopt a new pet to put some of that mothering towards... :)

At times it will be bittersweet and you will miss the time together, but you will also start to look forward to the time with friends and family, and time on your own as well.

[odinn7]

It's tough and I don't blame you. My daughter is almost 12 and I am already starting to feel it as well. She used to be my best buddy but now, she's getting older, she has new things to do with friends and such. You just kind of have to go with it, you know? You will get used to it over time.

[40yearoldgrandm]

Well, it's my first time here and I'm hoping somebody can guide me with my feelings. My daughter is 19 years old. In the past, she has been very good about asking before going places, and/or also being home more. I know....she is also older now and that's going to change BUT why do I feel like I am missing time together with her? For example, yesterday she went to her boyfriend's house around 6pm and was home after 2am. Today, she texted me letting me know that she was going to the mall with friends around 11am...now she lets me know that she'll be home around 5, will be heading out at 6:30 to see a play and is going out to a club tonight around 11pm. She will probably be sleeping over at a girlfriend's and then be back tomorrow afternoon. She does have a part-time job right now and will be starting University in the fall. I guess the mother-daughter relationship is changing and Im just having a hard time with it.
Please let me know if this is all normal? Am I making too much out of it? Am I just feeling that I am losing control and want to have more control over her?
ANY WORDS OF WISDOM WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED~~

I wanted to say that you are not alone, I have a 19 yr old daughter that, I cannot figure out if she likes me or not. I have gone some what crazy, so it feels like. I am single never married and she was my world, and I feel lost, but she has to live her own life and she is not responsible for my happiness.

[justanotherday]

I googled "I don't know my 19 year old daughter" and was glad this site came up. I am exhausted emotionally at this stage but I know I need to let her fly but part of me is so resentful that she is gleefully searching for apartments, when we have a nice home together, I get it and I understand it but my heart and ego feels deflated, as a single mother with an older son who's flown the coop I feel abandoned. I wanted to raise my kids to be independent but I got so dependent on having them around and have lost my own sense of self. Between the getting used to being middle aged and the menopausal stuff that is a challenge for some of us this is just icing on the cake.

[askme3015]

Going through the same thing with my 19 year old daughter. The menopause is not helping AT ALLLLLLL! t !I have an autistic daughter as wee as an older daughter and I swear I'm NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT!! I just want to run away and be as free as a bird, but my other girls need me. Every time I think of my youngest daughter running away with just the clothes on her back... I think what was she thinking?? Not hearing a word from her is like a nightmare... I JUST CAN'TSTAND IT!! The nights are the worst though... She knows I love her, but I guess that wasn't enough...

[eirfra]

I have two kids gone and one in the process (all to study, but far from home)And every time my heart shrinks. The only way to make it better is to: 1) talk openly with them about your feelings and expectations. Tell them that for security reasons you need to know where they are (you don't know what on earth could happens, like an earthquake, or a massive accident, so at least you have an idea of their whereabouts)this include to keep in touch regularly, by phone, internet, FB, Skype etc. At least if you see them online you know they are alive. Do not bother them to often, they have to feel freedom in order to learn how to use it.
2) Talk to them openly about the dangers that comes when they steep out of home: Going alone at night, drinking from open bottles, drinking too much with out a sober responsible friend at side, driving and drinking, sex and unsafe sex, multiple partners, too many young people together (hormones, hormones, hormones) leaving your belonging unattended, giving too much personal information to one night "friends", etc, etc. So they are better prepare to face the outside and you feel better knowing they have some ideas.
3) Call them. If time passes and they do not communicate, call, they are your kids. You gave them your life, you have the right.

[askme3015]

Going through the same thing with my 19 year old daughter. The menopause is not helping AT ALLLLLLL!!t !I have an autistic daughter as wee as an older daughter and I swear I'm NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT!!!!! I just want to run away and be as free as a bird, but my other girls need me. Every time I think of my youngest daughter running away with just the clothes on her back...I think what was she thinking?????? Not hearing a word from her is like a nightmare... I JUST CAN'TSTAND IT!!!!!! The nights are the worst though...She knows I love her, but I guess that wasn't enough...

OMG! I have an autistic daughter as well and an older daughter going through college. I never knew my youngest and I had gotten to this point that she can't stand me anymore. I have to admit she couldn't have all the stuff other kids she sees have but we have 5 people in this house and it wouldn't be fair to get her some $800 I-pad and say tough to the others!! She wants to be an only child but I told her you can't be, I'm sorry. My husband is an over the road truck driver and I deal with this all on my own. No friends around here to help me and I feel like I don't think I can stand one more day of this. As usual I blame myself for everything and look back and think I should have done this and that, but we can't go back in time. If only she would just SPEAK to me... whatever way she can. E-mail, letter, carrier pigeon... But it's the fact she wants nothing to do with us anymore... PERIOD. I'ts breaking my heart like I've had a death in the family.
THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUJCH FOR YOUR INPUT, BECAUSE HAVING MY HUSBAND GONE FOR 3 WEEKS AT A TIME AND HAVING NO FEEDBACK EXCEPT NOW REALLY HELPS. If I could hire a private detective and afford it, I would do it in a second!! The thing is shes' not a bad girl, but I think she is naïve and believes what people on the internet are feeding her. I want to just hold her again and yet I can't. THANK YOU AGAIN!

[askme3015]

I have two kids gone and one in the process (all to study, but far from home)And every time my heart shrinks. The only way to make it better is to: 1) talk openly with them about your feelings and expectations. Tell them that for security reasons you need to know where they are (you don't know what on earth could happens, like an earthquake, or a massive accident, so at least you have an idea of their whereabouts)this include to keep in touch regularly, by phone, internet, FB, Skype etc. At least if you see them online you know they are alive. Do not bother them to often, they have to feel freedom in order to learn how to use it.
2) Talk to them openly about the dangers that comes when they steep out of home: Going alone at night, drinking from open bottles, drinking to much with out a sober responsible friend at side, driving and drinking, sex and unsafe sex, multiple partners, too many young people together (hormones, hormones, hormones) leaving your belonging unattended, giving to much personal information to one night "friends", etc, etc. So they are better prepare to face the outside and you feel better knowing they have some ideas.
3) Call them. If time passes and they do not communicate, call, they are your kids. You gave them your life, you have the right.

Sad thing is is that I knew she wouldn't talk to me, so my hubby FINALLY got a hold of her and she promised she'd at least call once a week... another one of her lies and instead of him being emotionally sad, he's MAD!! He thought they were close and now she has shut him out of her life too. She says these strangers are her new family now. And these people have done nothing to try to patch things up with us and her. They've threatened us with blocking our number so we can't get in touch again. How can some people be that cold?? My first thing would to be call your parents at least weekly to let them know you're okay, but they are adding fuel to the fire for some reason and getting a kick out of it. They don't even know us nor do we know them which is the scariest of ALL!! I am beside myself. THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT HAS HELPED!! I just pray someday she will see us some day. GOD BLESS YOU!