[Tdaddy4211]

I am 19 and she is 18. We have a one year old son togther and we have been together for almost 2 years. We have sex at most like 2 or 3 times a month. And we go stretches where we don't have sex for a month or sometimes to. I can't just walk away and I have tried to talk it out with her and that has brought no resolution. Does anyone have anything to offee on this aubject?

[DaniCalifornia]

How are you approaching the subject? Have you discussed this with her properly and calmly?

Sex lives change after having a child, fact. It's difficult to find the time, and often women go through post-natal depression which can greatly affect libido.

x Dani

[Synnen]

I have a six month old son, and am a SAHM. By the time I get through my day and go to bed, I'm freaking exhausted! And I don't even have to put in 40 hours of work a week on top of it!

My husband helps around the house and takes the baby for stretches so I can get a break, but the truth of the matter is that I am the one getting up with him in the night. I'm the one that gets up when he does in the morning (usually about when my husband is getting up for work) and I'm the one that STAYS up with him until he goes to sleep. How much more sleep are you getting than your girlfriend?

Since I'm breastfeeding, I'm also the one who has to stop whatever I'm doing when the baby is hungry and feed him, as well.

That doesn't leave a lot of time in between for me to feel like "sexy woman" instead of "tired mother".

Betcha your girlfriend feels the same way.

You want sex? Take the baby at LEAST half of the time so that she can feel like a PERSON again. A bath, painting her toenails, reading a romance novel, watching a chick flick WITHOUT having to worry she'll be interrupted by the baby goes a LONG way to being renewed as a person. Once you have THAT down pat, start making sure she feels sexy LONG before you get into the bedroom. Compliment her. Touch her with no inclination towards sex. Flirt with her. Cuddle and talk together when the baby is asleep.

I was the one with the lower sex drive in our relationship to begin with, and let me tell you... we wouldn't have sex at ALL since the baby if my husband didn't really work at making me feel sexy. It's hard on him--he doesn't get anywhere near as much attention from me as he used to, and I nearly never initiate sex anymore. But when you're running on low batteries constantly, it's hard to find the energy for sex just because someone else wants it.

You just need to help her recharge her batteries.

[Tdaddy4211]

Well she doesn't work and I work almost 70 hours a week to provide for my family. My son is very well behave if and when he gets up at night I alwayz wake up with him. I work nights and when I get home at 7 in the morning I stay up with my son until 8 or 9 to let her sleep. So I don't get nearly as much sleep as her. Before my son was born we would have sex quite often. But now no matter how much I try to make her feel good about herself and sexy it never gets her in the mood. I feel like our relationship is seriously struggling because of this.

[Synnen]

Hormones CHANGE after pregnancy and giving birth.

Also, if she's afraid of getting pregnant again, that's a HUGE libido killer.

Some birth control also lowers libido.

Has she addressed this with her doctor?

[Cat1864]

Well she doesnt work and i work almost 70 hours a week to provide for my family. My son is very well behave if and when he gets up at night i alwayz wake up with him. I work nights and when i get home at 7 in the morning i stay up with my son until 8 or 9 to let her sleep. So i dont get nearly as much sleep as her. Before my son was born we would have sex quite often. But now no matter how much i try to make her feel good about herself and sexy it never gets her in the mood. I feel like our relationship is seriously stuggling because of this.

I think you need to read what you wrote.

You work 70 hours a week at night, but you get up with your son during the night.

She isn't the same sixteen/seventeen year old you started having sex with that created this child. She got pregnant at a time when her hormones would have already been in flux and trying to stabilize. She has had a baby that causes even more hormonal issues.

I can bet she isn't eating properly. She probably is doing her best to keep the baby quiet while you sleep. Which means she is on pins and needles all day long. You think your baby is 'well-behaved'. That means she is doing a lot to keep him happy during the day. Babies do not know what 'well-behaved' is. They only know about their needs. I have yet to meet a baby that doesn't go through bouts of being upset during teething, when hungry, when growing, just being fussy, etc. Did she or is she breast-feeding?

Add to keeping him 'happy' and letting you sleep doing the house-hold chores, cleaning up after the baby, making certain he stays safe as he learns to crawl and walk, taking care of any pets... Have you figured out yet that she does work?

Besides being strung out and exhausted, she probably has a very different view of her own body. Did you know it can take a year or more for a woman to recover from having a baby? The media expects us to bounce back after delivery, but we don't. We aren't the same people internally or externally as we were before pregnancy. Usually we weigh more, our bone structure has altered, our hormones are fluctuating, we don't get enough sleep, we rarely eat properly, etc. She deals with the constant distraction of her child needing her or the other hundred things she needs to get done.

Before having the baby, she could think about having sex with you and wanting that contact. Now she has limited time to think about sex and for women that can be a big libido limiter. We take a long time to get aroused. Even when we have 'quickies' it is usually because we have been anticipating being with our lover. The lover just wasn't there in person.

Another factor could be the amount of time you have as a couple without the interruption of the baby's needs or anyone else for that matter. Do you cuddle and have non-sexual intimate moments? Does she get the impression that you only approach her when you want sex? Do you show her affection at other times?

Try treating her like your lover. Give her little signs of affection such as a quick caress or a kiss on the cheek. Hold her without expecting sex. Relax together without expectations of anything other than touching.

Communicate with her. Find out what she needs to relax so that she can want to be aroused. Work together. She may not be able to tell you why she isn't into sex. At least not at first because she may not be allowing herself to think about it. So give her time and be patient as she finds the words to fit what she feels. If you don't understand or find yourself getting upset, take a step back and calmly ask her if she can clarify what she means. Try not to cause her to get defensive.

Depending on where you live, has she finished her high school (or equivalent) education? Is she feeling lost and like she let her family down? Is she carrying a burden of feeling like it's her fault you have to work long hours to 'support' your family? Do you ever say anything that might cause her to feel like less of a woman because she is a SAHM and doesn't have a paying job? These are all things that can affect how she sees herself and cause her self-worth and confidence to plummet. If she doesn't feel good about herself, then she won't feel positive about wanting sex.

[Synnen]

If you are working that many hours a week, how many of them do you devote to making her feel sexy, other than just saying "hey baby, let's go to bed and screw like bunnies!"?

I'm betting not a lot, because you're tired too.

Here's the thing--and it causes issues in my house too: Men see sex as a way to relax and bond with their mate. Women see sex as something that happens when you're ALREADY relaxed and have a good bond. Basically, men need sex to feel loved, and women need to feel loved in order to want sex.

It's NOT a stress release for her. It's probably closer to a CHORE for her, if she's trying to balance everything else in her life right now. If you're bugging her about it, it becomes even MORE of a chore she doesn't feel like doing.

You have to talk with her at a time when she's NOT trying to do 4 things at once for the baby and when you're NOT expecting sex at the end of the conversation. When's the last time the 2 of you went on a date without the baby? When's the last time you had fun together with no sex involved?

This requires a calm conversation with you talking about how you FEEL, not about the fact that she doesn't want sex. You cannot make this about her. Offer to go to the doctor with her to make sure she's recovered completely from childbirth. Make sure she feels comfortable enough with you to admit all of the reasons she doesn't feel like having sex. Remember, she may not even KNOW why not! I know that sometimes the hubby has to nudge me and say "hon, it's been a few weeks and I'm feeling a little neglected" before I even REALIZE it's been that long. I fall into bed a couple hours after him, and by the time I'm going to bed, I'm so tired the last thing I want to do is have sex!

So... talk to her. LISTEN to her. Realize that for women, being aroused is 99% mental. We don't have the "let's have sex!" button that men seem to have.