[lucindasmyth]

Not exactly sure what to do about it...

[Lord_Darkclaw]

Confront him about it. I don't see anything complicated - just ask him what's going on.

[shygrneyzs]

I agree - tel him what you heard and ask him what is going on. You could go to the strip club yourself to see exactly who he hooked up with, or you could hire someone to follow him. But the simplest thing is just to talk to him. If he denies it, you know what you heard.

Best of luck to you working through this.

[robynhgl]

If it were me---and I knew where he was going... I'd probably put all of his stuff in a bag and deliver it to his new 'friend' and wish her luck in dealing with the jerk. I'd ask him where my lawyer should send the papers and I'd leave.

(Then I'd probably go home and beat a pillow until the stuffing came out of it!)

Sorry if this sounds harsh... but I doubt a guy who was 'hooking up' is going to own up or have a plausible excuse.

[Fr_Chuck]

Ask him where he wants his clothes sent would be a good starting line.

[lucindasmyth]

I know he has gone to look before - not frequently - maybe 1 time in a year or 18 months. We have discussed it - I don't like it much - but do get the man/erotica combo and have always trusted that it was just looking. To this point, we have a healthy sex life, are great friends, share similar values and honor our marriage with much love.

This time his cell phone must have been in his pocket and accidentally called me when his lap was "bumped".
It was awful - to listen to and awful of me to listen. I heard him flirting and saying things to the girls that I thought he only said to me. Though it was more of the women chatting him up that him talking.
Once I heard a girl say she was going to ask her boss because she wanted to take my husband to the "backroom".
I am embarrassed to say I listened for 2 hours - and I just kept hoping I would hear him say something that gave me confidence that he really was just looking. (and bing wiggled on while fully clothed)
At 2 hours, something happened - suddenly there was so much rustling (and distinct thrusting rhythm) that the phone buttons got hit a couple times until the off button was hit.
Do the dancers have sex with customers? I guess I want to believe that they are business women - and that there is a line that the clubs do not let customers cross.
Otherwise it's a hooker.
Could the thrusting just have been him alone - relieving himself - "taking" care of some two hour build-up?
5 minutes after the phone hung up there was a $300 withdrawal from the ATM.

I know that if he did do more than look - if I ask him - he won't tell me. I know that to my bones.

[tinsign]

Your talk from the last time he did this didn't work. He is breaking all vows of the marriage. Sorry but it is time for you to start a new life without him, and the sooner for you the better. This man has no respect for you or he would not continue this behavior. Love, marriage, and sex is suppose to be between two people who love each other. It does not mean that a husband or wife go out when bored for sexual pleasures with another person. Honey pack his bags, no better yet just grab his clothes toss them in yard with a few trashbags. If he has the nerve to even ask for a suitcase , you can reply with this.. I gave you trashbags cause that is how you think of me and our marriage... Honey after that is done leave and never look back, cause he is NOT worthy of you.

[RubyPitbull]

Lucinda, since you know your husband has a penchant for such things, it would serve you well to know exactly what goes on in those clubs.

As a woman who used to work in the construction industry, a lot of the guys I worked with would go to these clubs and they would tell me about it for some strange reason. Bragging? Shock value? I don't know, but I would listen. The girls perform lap dances and that is possibly what you heard. I am not saying it is right, I am just trying to give you some insight as to what possibly went on. And yes, Lucinda, when they talk about going to the back room, there is some sort of sexual activity going on. In the main/front area, the men are not allowed to touch the women. The men pay for lap dances. The women will sit in a man's lap and rub against him. She is usually half dressed and will stick her bare breasts in his face. Basically, all the rubbing and friction usually makes a guy ejaculate in his pants. When they go into a back room, the man is allowed to touch the woman. She allows him to kiss and fondle her, she might give him oral sex, maybe more. It all depends on what the man wants.

So Lucinda, I think this should give you a better understanding of what exactly goes on at these clubs. Your husband was not being truthful with you. You need to do some soul searching. Can you continue to live with your husband knowing what you know?

Keep in mind that he took $300 of the household monies for personal gain. If you do not confront him, this behavior will continue, more of your money will be spent on these "boys nights out" and it will happen more frequently because he has gotten away with it so far. Is this how you want to live? Do you want to save your marriage? You need to figure out what you want to do first before you decide how you are going to proceed.

Personally, I would do what robynhgl and tinsign suggest. But, that is me.

If you are interested in saving your marriage, then simple confrontation will not do. You need to find a marriage counselor in your area and set up an appointment. Then, tell him what you know, and that you are not going to get into an argument or listen to his denials. Tell him if he is at all interested in saving your marriage, he will attend the counseling session with you. You will have the true answer as to whether he loves you enough to put the work into healing your marriage, if he attends the session with you. If he doesn't, go to the session yourself. You are going to need help from an outside source to figure out how you want to proceed from this point on.

[lucindasmyth]

Thanks much everyone - especially the description of what goes on inside. I'm not an idiot - but just full of wishful thinking.
He was gone on a trip when this happened this week - and could not even look at me when he got back yesterday.
I know you are all right. Just knowing that makes it so hard to breathe. I love him and our marriage so much. And I know he loves me very much - but love without respect is no way to live.

[RubyPitbull]

Honey, you are absolutely right. Mutual respect is one of the most important aspects in a marriage. I am so sorry you are hurting. I truly am. I am sure he does love you, but he needs to understand that he crossed the line here and your trust in him is now broken. Please find a counselor. You are going to need a lot of help from an objective source.

[robynhgl]

Lucinda, honey, you do deserve more than that. One of the bad things about what you're going through--actually what he's putting you through, is that we women start to question ourselves. I don't know why we (women) do this... but it makes us begin to think that we aren't as pretty, sexy, young, whatever... we blame ourself for lacking what he seems to be looking for somewhere else. Then we begin to think that no one else will want us and we put less value on ourselves.

Sure--there are women that are not effected by stuff like this--but I honestly think they are the exceptions to the rule.

You need to get out and spend some time with yourself--figuring out who and what you are so that you know who and what you want from a partner. And I certainly hope that what you want is someone that values you enough to treat you well and with respect.

Now here's a real kicker--not all gentlemen's clubs, but many, do have some 'side business' going on. Most of the time it does not take place within the club--or it's not 'openly condoned', but some of the girl do other things with the men in exchange for 'gifts'. Now I'm not saying that ALL the women do this--there are many who work to put themselves through school, to support a family, etc... but there are those who do hook up with the customers.

I feel so bad that you're in this place in your life, it's never easy to make this decision... no matter what you choose to do.

[lucindasmyth]

I appreciate your insite- pretty wise women RubyPitbull and robynhgl - thanks much.
I am a little more sane now and will talk to a counselor so I can try to stay that way.