[tinkerbellbabes]

I met this guy a couple months already. We started of as friends but then it became more intimate and sexual. At first, I didn't want to take the relationship seriously as we are only working in this country tentatively and we will be going on our separate ways. Prior to our relationship, he was already scheduled to go home in 5 months. He became my confidante and he to me. I told him all my hang ups from my past including that of being a sexually abused kid including men giving up on me after promising not to let go. And he made a promise he will not give up on me and that he will help me recover. He did actually helped me overcome my sexual inhibitions and sex issues and I became comfortable with my own sexuality.

However, myself esteem and insecurities increased during the time we were together. First, fear because he will be leaving soon. Second, threatened because he was very honest with me telling me his past relationships that he has had several women sometimes 3 at the same time. He has a pregnant GF back home waiting while he is ing me and another one with his daughter and he has other kids in the past as well from different women. But he said that I'm the last woman in his life because he found already what he was looking for... someone he can share his secrets and be comfortable with. However, his honesty just made the situation worst for I became doubtful of his love and intentions for me. His complicated life made it more difficult for me to accept. His leaving home made matters worst.

The last two months before he left were horrible and he became an , irritable and we fight a lot. Sex was good and we often had sex but we never get to talk on anything. Ive broken up with him many times but he never want to give up. He said he made a promise and he will keep it. He said that even if we are separated by distance he will not give up on me and we will continue our relationship because he loves me. He went home last November to his GF and his other women to visit his kids. He was very honest in telling me about his whereabouts and activities with other women and at the same time always telling me he loves me. It was very difficult for me and I went through depression and had difficulty sleeping thinking he is sleeping with his GF. I again tried to break up with him but he was always persistent.

Then he left home for another assignment to a new country, not very far from where I am now. It is a relief for me since he won't be with his past women. He talked about us being together again, and that our love will flourish and to have vision always of us being together. I did actually believe somehow and ready to give up everything I have here to go to him. But when I asked him if he can come first as financially I can't make it on April as I have other commitments, he wrote me an email saying that he can't come because of his job and he never offered anything to help me go to him. I felt really bad and here I am ready to give up everything and he can't give up anything for me including his 2 women back home. He always say that he loves the 3 of us but to a different level. But since I'm the one who has no kid with him, I feel like I'm the least priority. I feel like I was just used for sex, a sidetrip while he has no one. And in his email he compared me to his other 2 women saying that they are both understanding and very supportive of his career whereas I'm not. He says I'm already getting obsessed with him as my world already revolves around him and that I need psychological help and end his email with 'still I will not give up on you'. That really hurt me so much as he said this after I'm already starting to make demands. I did not communicate with him for 3 weeks.

And last week he called me, I answered the phone and we talked. I said I'm moving on without him its enough. And he said he is not giving up and that he loves me, we are in this together. I don't want to believe anything anymore as he always lie to his women. I thought I was doing okay but after our conversation, all these negative thoughts and doubts poured in again - on why he still don't want to give up. A thought kept on coming to my mind, its because of the money. He left all of his appliances to me so I can use it while I'm still here but that ill have to sell it when I leave this march and give him the money. It is huge amount of money and he has an inventory of things. That is only the reason that I can think of why he probably don't want to let go. But then he kept on calling me again asking why I'm not answering his emails etc. and again he felt so frustrated now why I don't believe him that he loves me and won't give up etc. he said that he felt empty without me. He is not giving up.

I'm now so confused. For the this first time in my life, here is a person who doesn't want to give up on me, I've been praying for this to happen and yet why am I not happy with it, why am I doubting ad pushing him away. I accept that I am afraid of losing him for he is the only person who tries very hard to understand me and accept me. Yet I am very doubtful of him because of his past. He said that I met him given his past complicated life already and that I shouldn't be using it againes him.

I don't know what to do. You think he will never let go? You think he really loves me? You think I should hold on and give it a shot? I've decided to play along with it and not expecting that we will ever be together again.

What to do?

[chuff]

I met this guy a couple months already. We started of as friends but then it became more intimate and sexual. At first, i didnt want to take the relationship seriously as we are only working in this country tentatively and we will be going on our separate ways. Prior to our relationship, he was already scheduled to go home in 5 months. He became my confidante and he to me. I told him all my hang ups from my past including that of being a sexually abused kid including men giving up on me after promising not to let go. And he made a promise he will not give up on me and that he will help me recover. He did actually helped me overcome my sexual inhibitions and sex issues and i became comfortable with my own sexuality.

Well I’m not a therapist but I wonder if you purposely but at a sort of unconscious level got involved with this man because he had absolutely nothing to offer you and wasn’t going to be around forever which gave you a way to get out but since he promised he would never let you go it gave you a reason to let your guard down. In other words he promised unconditional love but still an opportunity to make no real commitment.

It sounds like your upset that others couldn’t grant you some “unconditional love” but then let you go. I don’t think you can ever expect that a love will be like that. I think you have to always be aware that it could end. Personally, I don’t believe love can be unconditional. There are always conditions. If a person you love starts hitting you then it’s over. You must end the relationship.

Using those same guidelines I’d say your relationship is over. Because it never really was. He’s already got a girlfriend. Two of them actually. That is not love, only hope for love.

I met this guy a couple months already. We started of as friends but then it However, my self esteem and insecurities increased during the time we were together. First, fear because he will be leaving soon. Second, threatened because he was very honest with me telling me his past relationships that he has had several women sometimes 3 at the same time. he has a pregnant GF back home waiting while he is ing me and another one with his daughter and he has other kids in the past as well from different women. But he said that im the the last woman in his life because he found already what he was looking for...someone he can share his secrets and be comfortable with. However, his honesty just made the situation worst for i became doubtful of his love and intentions for me. His complicated life made it more difficult for me to accept. His leaving home made matters worst.

Reread that last paragraph. There’s nothing in there that suggests this is even a relationship. It’s just a hook up. You may like him and to be fair he may like you but he’s got two other girls and another life that your not even allowed to participate in.

The last two months before he left were horrible and he became an , irritable and we fight a lot. Sex was good and we often had sex but we never get to talk on anything. Ive broken up with him many times but he never want to give up. He said he made a promise and he will keep it. He said that even if we are separated by distance he will not give up on me and we will continue our relationship because he loves me. He went home last november to his GF and his other women to visit his kids. He was very honest in telling me about his whereabouts and activities with other women and at the same time always telling me he loves me. It was very difficult for me and i went through depression and had difficulty sleeping thinking he is sleeping with his GF. I again tried to break up with him but he was always persistent.

I think your right to break up with him. I think it is you who should be persistent and make this permanent.
He just wants someone to be with when he’s near you. When he’s not he’s got other girls on his mind.

I felt really bad and here i am ready to give up everything and he can't give up anything for me including his 2 women back home.

That’s telling.

He always say that he loves the 3 of us but to a different level.

PAH - LEASE!! Please stop buying this line. That’s all it is, a line.

but since im the one who has no kid with him, i feel like im the least priority.

I don’t think you’re a priority at all, I think your just available. You want a guy that can commit to you. This is NOT that guy.

i feel like i was just used for sex, a sidetrip while he has no one.

I think you’re right. I think you should open up to yourself so that you can learn to trust some of your own feelings. Your emotions are doing a great job for you and telling you something's wrong. You just have to listen to them.

and in his email he compared me to his other 2 women saying that they are both understanding and very supportive of his career whereas im not.

Well good for them. The decisions they make for there lives have no impact on yours.

he says im already getting obsessed with him as my world already revolves around him and that i need psychological help and end his email with 'still i will not give up on you'. that really hurt me so much as he said this after im already starting to make demands.

He is a complete and utter a$$. He’s playing with your emotions trying to trick you into staying with him and on top of that accept his other two girlfriends. He’s a snake, He’s a cheat, and he’s a coward. You do not need this guy or these kind of behaviors.

i did not communicate with him for 3 weeks.

I wish that was permanent.

and last week he called me, i answered the phone and we talked. i said im moving on without him its enough. and he said he is not giving up and that he loves me, we are in this together. i dont want to believe anything anymore as he always lie to his women. i thought i was doing okay but after our conversation, all these negative thoughts and doubts poured in again - on why he still dont want to give up. a thought kept on coming to my mind, its because of the money. he left all of his appliances to me so i can use it while im still here but that ill have to sell it when i leave this march and give him the money. it is huge amount of money and he has an inventory of things. that is only the reason that i can think of why he probably dont want to let go. but then he kept on calling me again asking why im not answering his emails etc. and again he felt so frustrated now why i dont believe him that he loves me and wont give up etc. he said that he felt empty without me. he is not giving up.

He’s a user. He’s a manipulator. He’s out for only himself.

im now so confused. for the this first time in my life, here is a person who doesnt want to give up on me, ive been praying for this to happen and yet why am i not happy with it, why am i doubting ad pushing him away. i accept that i am afraid of losing him for he is the only person who tries very hard to understand me and accept me.

Yeah you want a guy who isn’t going to give up. But that guy should not be giving up because he’s a good guy that can take care of you. That guy should be with you because he enjoys spending time with you ALL the time not for a couple months here and there. This is not that guy.

yet i am very doubtful of him because of his past. he said that i met him given his past complicated life already and that i shouldnt be using it againes him.

He’s the one using words against you, not the other way around. What’s worse is he’s not using that line that your using words against when he’s doing it to muddy the waters.

i dont know what to do. you think he will never let go?

If you flat out tell him it’s over and leave me alone then don’t answer his calls, emails, etc.

you think he really loves me?

No.

you think i should hold on and give it a shot? ive decided to play along with it and not expecting that we will ever be together again.

what to do?

I don’t think you should give it a shot. I think you should let it go.

[shygrneyzs]

Just accept this relationship for what it was - the friend with benefits. Only it does not sound like too many great benefits. He could never emotionally attach to you - he had too many other projects going on - we used to call it "irons in the fire". Just think - if he could be there having sex with you, while his pregnant girlfriend was back at home - what was he going to do to you, if you became pregnant?

Of course he wanted you to hang in there, that he was not going to give up on you. He knew just what to say to keep you on the hook. He knew it was no long term investment, just some sex on the side.

The loving three women on different levels? What a load of baloney. I am sure he believes it but how are you suppose to deal with that? His heart would not be totally with you. He has created an emotional dependence for you that you were sucked right into. You still are sucked into his b.s.

It is up to you to walk away, because as long as he knows he can wiggle his finger and there you are, he has you. He is someone (I cannot call him a man) who wants it all and wants it now, regardless of cost to the person(s) he is involved with.

Please, please, let him go his own way and you go yours. Do not call him, do not answer his calls. Do not email him, do not even open his emails to you. Avoid contact. Get involved in other activities that do not involve him. It is called getting a new approach to life. If you have not done so, I would hope you get some professional help, in finding out why you are attracted to this man, and still are attracted to him. Men like him are plentiful, so be careful.

[tinkerbellbabes]

Well I'm not a therapist but I wonder if you purposely but at a sort of unconscious level got involved with this man because he had absolutely nothing to offer you and wasn't going to be around forever which gave you a way to get out but since he promised he would never let you go it gave you a reason to let your guard down. In other words he promised unconditional love but still an opportunity to make no real commitment.

It sounds like your upset that others couldn't grant you some “unconditional love” but then let you go. I don't think you can ever expect that a love will be like that. I think you have to always be aware that it could end. Personally, I don't believe love can be unconditional. There are always conditions. If a person you love starts hitting you then it's over. You must end the relationship.

Thanks chuffy, I really appreciate everything you said. I guess you were right on this because at first time he tried to get intimate with me, I already laid down the cards to him that I don't want to get the relationship serious and don't want to fall in love and that it is pure sex, a past time. But then he really insist that he fell in love with me already and that it is already serious. He made an effort really to prove it to me. And when I had my tantrums and depression he was there promising not to give up on me. I guess that did the trick for I let my guard down and didn't realized I was already falling in love. Things really change when he was about to leave already, his atittude towards me change. I thought that it was me to blame because of my overly dramatic and negative thoughts and energies and tantrums. Yet he always comes back and keep on proclaiming his love and promises. Even though I had my doubts already, I still hold on to that hope... that false hopes he's been giving me. I guess I'm really trying to convince myself that this is real and that I found th unconditional love I've been looking for despite the fact that my emotions are telling me differently. I agree again when you said that I should be looking for the good guy who won't give up on me and this is not the guy. I think I have to battle with myself the fears that I might not find the guy who will really try very hard to understand me (as he did) and who will give me attention (as he used to). I hope I can find the courage soon to tell him all the things you said about him and to finally say off. I guess ill just have to make a decision on that and just do it.

[shygrneyzs]

I wanted to share a couple of books that might help you. The first one, "Single Wisdom" by Dr. Paris Finner-Williams. The second one, ""Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior" by M. Goulston & P. Goldberg.

[Teaching]

I feel he is making you a victim - don't let that happen. You have so much to offer someone.

[tinkerbellbabes]

I wanted to share a couple of books that might help you. The first one, "Single Wisdom" by Dr. Paris Fiiner-Williams. The second one, ""Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior" by M. Goulston & P. Goldberg.

Thanks so much shygrneyzs. I will have a look on this book. Throughout my distress, I have started reading a lot of books on relationship and forums like this and somehow it helps me really. I wish I did this earlier on. Right now I have so much anger within me and it is affecting me already. I've read a book on forgiveness and I decided to send him a letter that I have decided to forgive him and that I let go already. I never felt better, until he called after the 3 weeks of not communicating with him. I shouldn't have answered his calls for I fell on his trap again. Now I'm thinking should I send him a letter telling him all these things? The reason is that I am hoping that he will not do this to any other woman and stop messing other people's life specially those who have emotional and past hang ups. You think he will ever change or at least feel guilty? He kept on saying on our last calls that he will stop having an affair already. Deep down I don't believe it really.

[Teaching]

Have no expectations for your own sake.

[chuff]

Thanks chuffy, i really appreciate everything you said.

Not a problem

i guess you were right on this because at first time he tried to get intimate with me, i already laid down the cards to him that i dont want to get the relationship serious and dont want to fall in love and that it is pure sex, a past time

I don‘t want to preach to you but I wonder with your background if this is a good idea. Perhaps you intend on making it only sex but you might become confused about sex and love and intertwine them. You obviously know they are two different things but I wonder if when you meet a guy if it would be safer not only from a health stand point but from an emotional stand point for you to wait on sex.

As with this situation, it sounds like if sex becomes part of the picture then you start thinking love or allow some walls to come down and start believing this is love of some form.

but then he really insist that he fell in love with me already and that it is already serious.

This is what I was talking about above. You knew he didn’t love you or that this couldn’t be serious because of the other women. I just wonder if it was the sex that clouded your judgment. It may have been his words alone, I can’t answer that for you, but it seemed like before sex was involved you knew this wasn’t a real relationship. When the sex happened then you started thinking relationship, no matter how much it wasn’t.

he made an effort really to prove it to me. and when i had my tantrums and depression he was there promising not to give up on me. i guess that did the trick for i let my guard down and didnt realized i was already falling in love.

Nothing wrong with falling in love as long as his feelings are identical. You’ve got some pretty powerful emotions that are guiding you and if you can harvest those to where you can listen to them and let them guide you in conjunction with your logical side you’ll be doing pretty good next time some guy comes into your life.

things really change when he was about to leave already, his atittude towards me change. i thought that it was me to blame because of my overly dramatic and negative thoughts and energies and tantrums.

Why you are having overly dramatic and negative thoughts might be coming from before him. If that’s the case he can’t really be blamed. But for him to use them against you is the work of an incredible coward. Less than a man, that is for sure.

yet he always comes back and keep on proclaming his love and promises. even though i had my doubts already, i still hold on to that hope...that false hopes hes been giving me. i guess im really trying to convince myself that this is real and that i found th unconditional love ive been looking for despite the fact that my emotions are telling me differently.

God, you’ve got some strong and healthy emotions. Listen to them. They are serving you well, Just listen to what they are telling you and you’ll be able to do anything.

i agree again when you said that i should be looking for the good guy who wont give up on me and this is not the guy. i think i have to battle with myself the fears that i might not find the guy who will really try very hard to understand me (as he did) and who will give me attention (as he used to).

Well I can’t promise you a fairy tale ending, but I can promise you there are real men out there who do appreciate women and don’t use them. Get yourself one of those men who will enjoy you and accept you for all your greatness and your faults. Find yourself a guy that is willing to be with just you and at all times. That’s a guy for you.

i hope i can find the courage soon to tell him all the things you said about him and to finally say off. i guess ill just have to make a decision on that and just do it.

You don’t have to find the courage. You’ve already got it. You’ve got more courage, more heart, and more smarts than you give yourself credit for. If you can go back and reread your posts as though I wrote them. Because I think I see you at a higher level than you are willing to admit you are. I see an articulate, emotionally strong, woman who let just got caught up in a situation, because the guy wouldn’t take no for an answer, not because he was a keeper. I hope when you reread those statements you’ll see the same thing.

[tinkerbellbabes]

Not a problem



I don‘t want to preach to you but I wonder with your background if this is a good idea. Perhaps you intend on making it only sex but you might become confused about sex and love and intertwine them. You obviously know they are two different things but I wonder if when you meet a guy if it would be safer not only from a health stand point but from an emotional stand point for you to wait on sex.

As with this situation, it sounds like if sex becomes part of the picture then you start thinking love or allow some walls to come down and start believing this is love of some form.

This is what I was talking about above. You knew he didn’t love you or that this couldn’t be serious because of the other women. I just wonder if it was the sex that clouded your judgment. It may have been his words alone, I can’t answer that for you, but it seemed like before sex was involved you knew this wasn’t a real relationship. When the sex happened then you started thinking relationship, no matter how much it wasn’t.

I think it was both his words (promises and hopes) that really made me to hold on and then later on sex have clouded my judgement confusing it with need, want and love.

You guys are really helpful (you, teaching and shygrneyzs.. thanks guys) but I guess it takes a lot of will power to let go.

I know chuff that you said I don't need courage and I agree. But then I think it is fear of finally losing him, not merely him the person, but the sadness of being alone once again. It is a good feeling when someone don't want to ever give up on you. But I know deep down, my emotions are really telling me he is not genuine.

Lately, I couldn't sleep, I pray to God that He will help me to control my thoughts, to forget him and move on. I keep on thinking about him, missing him more and yet all these anger towards him and then the pain will come. It is eating my system and affecting me already. I can't work and sleep well. He constantly been bugging me why I'm not responding to his emails. Yet I know deep down he really doesn't love me but want me for something else. But still it feels good every time I receive an email from him. I still wait for his phone calls even if I know he will not call anymore as he said he has been paying so much on phone bills already. I wish that love can vanish easily as when you break up with someone you love so the pain will go soon.

I think you are right shygrneyzs when you said I need professional help. It is now a battle between me and myself. Last night I can't stop my thoughts, I just cried and cried and asked God why is He allowing me to hurt myself. I feel that I've no one to turn to, no one to talk to anymore, I feel like people have been talking about me and avoiding me including God himself. I've been asking for His help and intervention but I don't feel anything yet. I don't like what is happening. I think, nothing is wrong with the guy, it is me. I wish there is someone here who can help me.

I never replied to any of his emails and then he wrote me again like he is really playing with my emotions, saying things like if only I believe in the strength of his love or that I never tried to understand his point etc. it was like he is now putting the blame on me, like here he was offering himself and I'm the one getting away, like I'm the one pushing people who loves me over the cliff. He is playing on me again. But sometimes I can't help but doubt what my emotions are telling me... like giving him the benefit of the doubt. I am so confused, emotionally drained already. I want peace of mind. I want to sleep peacefully. I want to forget and move on. But how could I move on if there is so much anger and pain inside me?

[chuff]

i think it was both his words (promises and hopes) that really made me to hold on and then later on sex have clouded my judgement confusing it with need, want and love.

First I want to tell you something that most people in society don’t say and quite honestly is probably not the popular opinion. But you don’t need love from a man. It’s nice if it happens, sure, but it’s not a need. Many people have lived happy, successful lives without a significant other. Your happiness is never going to be determined by somebody else. You have to choose to be happy and do things that make you happy. Looking for somebody else to give you that is going to lead you down a path of always searching. The truth is you have it inside you to be happy. Even in a bad situation there is some good if your positive and search for it. There is positive in this situation which you are overlooking and hopefully I can point some of it out to you here as this post continues.

you guys are really helpful (you, teaching and shygrneyzs..thanks guys) but i guess it takes a lot of will power to let go.

Yeah it’s going to take some willpower to let go. Which you have by the way, so start giving yourself some credit and use it. More then willpower though it’s going to take a decision. You just have to say to yourself, “self, I’m now taking my journey in a new direction for the better which means I’m giving up the baggage that has been holding me down and stopping my progress.” When you start feeling down repeat that or something similar that inspires and motivates you to move forward.

i know chuff that you said i dont need courage and i agree. but then i think it is fear of finally losing him, not merely him the person, but the sadness of being alone once again. it is a good feeling when someone dont want to ever give up on you. but i know deep down, my emotions are really telling me he is not genuine.

I think you were feeling is one thing but to fill that empty feelings with a guy who exploits them for his own personal gain is not healthy for you or your relationship. Being alone is a state of mind. It’s a feeling or emotion and one you can control. If you start feeling lonely start thinking of all the positive things you can do on your own without a man in your life. Think of all the extra time you have. Think of all the things you can focus on. Replace those thoughts with positive ones.

If you’ve thought negative about a certain thing like being lonely write down a bunch of positive things about the same issue. When you get a negative thought read one of the positive ones. With all due respect I think you’ve thought or had negative feelings for so long that you’ve become accustom to them. The only way to change that is to consciously change your thought patterns and you have the power to do that.

lately, i couldnt sleep, i pray to God that He will help me to control my thoughts, to forget him and move on. i keep on thinking about him, missing him more and yet all these anger towards him and then the pain will come. it is eating my system and affecting me already. i can't work and sleep well. he constantly been bugging me why im not responding to his emails. yet i know deep down he really doesnt love me but want me for something else. but still it feels good everytime i receive an email from him. i still wait for his phone calls even if i know he will not call anymore as he said he has been paying so much on phone bills already. i wish that love can vanish easily as when you break up with someone you love so the pain will go soon.

Well it can’t vanish easily, but it can vanish. But this was not a healthy love and it would have only lead to more problems for you down the road. In many respects your lucky you got out now.

i think you are right shygrneyzs when you said i need professional help. it is now a battle between me and myself. last night i can't stop my thoughts, i just cried and cried and asked God why is He allowing me to hurt myself. I feel that ive no one to turn to, no one to talk to anymore, i feel like people have been talking about me and avoiding me including God himself. ive been asking for His help and intervention but i dont feel anything yet. i dont like what is happening.

Have you ever read the poem footprints? I think it fits perfectly for what your experiencing. Here it is


One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints, one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life, there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most, you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you
During your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."


Now I don’t want to speak for God but maybe he has bigger plans for you but needs to test you or have you go through difficult times to “toughen you up.” Maybe God wants to see if you can handle the responsibility for something else or someone else that he has in mind for your future but must see if you can handle this situation or this kind of person full of lies. You say God’s not listening or he’s not there but maybe he gave you this situation for you to learn something from it. Maybe he’s not answering you because he needs you to answer to yourself. I don’t know, I can’t nor will I ever speak for God but just because he doesn’t appear to answer you doesn’t mean he isn’t listening.

i think, nothing is wrong with the guy, it is me.

You are wrong. Flat out wrong. There is everything wrong with that guy and 100% nothing wrong with you. The only fault I might say you have is that you were too trusting but for someone that respects you that is not a bad thing to have. You just have to learn from it and use this as a learning tool. Some people can’t be trusted and some people use you. You have to be ready for it and watch for it in the future but other peoples negative traits do not and are not your own.

i wish there is someone here who can help me.

Is there a preacher or family member or someone like that you can turn too? If not you’ve always got us here at the site. There’s a pretty good core of people here at this site from all over the world who can offer unique perspectives and ideas.

i never replied to any of his emails and then he wrote me again like he is really playing with my emotions, saying things like if only i believe in the strength of his love or that i never tried to understand his point etc. it was like he is now putting the blame on me, like here he was offering himself and im the one getting away, like im the one pushing people who loves me over the cliff. he is playing on me again. but sometimes i can't help but doubt what my emotions are telling me....like giving him the benefit of the doubt. i am so confused, emotionally drained already. i want peace of mind. i want to sleep peacefully. i want to forget and move on. but how could i move on if there is so much anger and pain inside me?

That anger and pain eventually dies down. In the United States and if I can speak for our neighbors to the north Canada, if some guy would not let up like that we’d call him a stalker. In fact if he kept calling and trying to contact you after you told him to stop you could actually take out a restraining order on him. I don’t know if you have something similar to that in your country but perhaps you should look into it. Because what he’s doing isn’t healthy at all and it appears to be on the edge or over it of having some kind of mental breakdown. To me that’s just not normal behavior. In fact the fact that he has other women and still is obsessed with you speaks volumes about his mental state.

As for your anger and pain, can you start working out or doing any kind of exercise? That really helps relieve a lot of stress. Even if you just walk around the street or town that you live for an hour you will get some exersice which gets your blood flowing and your mind alert and keeps you positive.

[tinkerbellbabes]

Dear all,

You might be probably wondering why you didn't hear from me again or probably most of you have been wondering if I did follow chuff's advise and learn from my mistakes. I wish I did. But believe me I tried, I did tried. But I guess I was stupid for again taking the bait and I'm only to blame for that.

The past days I was in total depression. I was doing well already when I was active in this site. And then the guy started calling me again and stupid that I am, I talked to him and eventually believed in all that he said. We were doing out fine, trying to work things out and eventually he asked me to go with him for a month. At first I couldn't believe it, there was so much fear, uncertainty that I might not be able to recover again after I leave him or that it will just make me worst. But he said he really meant it and he would pay for my airfares and all. I don't know what happened to me, something inside me is really breaking me apart. I was depressed, I was doubtful, there was so much negative emotions going on and so I wrote him again and that is when he started to stay away again, never really answering my emails and IMs. And it really made me scared. I hated myself more whenever he keeps his distance. After awhile he called me again and he said he is just letting me be, which hurts me a lot because he said before that we will do it together- he will help me overcome the demons in my mind. But now he was leaving me alone to do it. I told him that he wasn't consistent in everything he says.

And so I became very depress. I feel like he is really playing with my emotions. Whenever I say I don't like him anymore, he will make his presence to me. When I feel I'm clingy again, he will ran away and leave me cope with my tantrums. It is like he loves me, he loves me not. I feel more insecure because I know that he is more in contact with his GF back home than me...

Finally I wrote him never to contact me again. And he stopped contacting me. It was the most painful thing I did. I was in severe depression. I couldn't control my thoughts anymore. I blame myself for everything because had I not entered into such relationship I wouldn't be like this. If only I'm not being overly emotional about things he probably will stick on with me. I am so scared of myself now, of what I'm capable of doing. I've been hurting myself lately. I am so angry at myself at him for leaving me. He tried to stir the inner child in me, he let my old past come out only to be left alone and be haunted again by my past hurts and pains. Now I am left alone to deal with the demons of my past.

I have been praying every night for Jesus to control my thoughts but the more I pray the more the voices became louder. I feel so alone. I have no friends here. I am in a secluded little island without much of counselling and psychology facilities. The inner child in me is really angry because I allowed again to let a guy hurt her and use her for sex. She must be very angry at me because I wasn't able to protect her again.


If only I listened to chuff...

[chuff]

if only i listened to chuff....

Wise words to live by. Everybody should do what I say.

In all seriousness though, you said if only I had "listened" as in past tense. The reality is he's probably going to try again in the future to contact you so know that now and prepare ahead of time. Every time you tell him to get out of your life you get stronger so now you shouldn't have any problems if it happens again, with him or another guy. You've proven to yourself over and over you have the strength. I said it before, the strength is there, you just have to use it. In the future don't be afraid to use that strength and do what is best for you, not him.

[talaniman]

I truly wish you would reread this thread and see that if you would love yourself as much as you try to love others, you would be so much happier and see things a lot different. For one you would see what a manipulative jack arse you have given your heart to, and for another you would not confuse sex, and the need for love, with real and true love that cares. Cut all contact with him and stop listening to his BS, and reject his offers to join his harem. Sell his stuff and keep the money, and have nothing to do with him what so ever. Love yourself enough to find a way to build a life that makes you happy and stay out of relationships for a while as part of your problem is moving to fast with your body, and not seeing anything after that as you had plenty of warning that you ignored. Sorry until you can love yourself, you will always be fooled into thinking what you have found is gold. Fools gold glitters too and you need to know the difference. Put yourself first and love yourself.

[tinkerbellbabes]

Wise words to live by. Everybody should do what I say.

In all seriousness though, you said if only I had "listened" as in past tense. The reality is he's probably going to try again in the future to contact you so know that now and prepare ahead of time. Everytime you tell him to get out of your life you get stronger so now you shouldn't have any problems if it happens again, with him or another guy. You've proven to yourself over and over you have the strength. I said it before, the strength is there, you just have to use it. In the future don't be afraid to use that strength and do what is best for you, not him.

Hi Chuff,

Thank you for everything.

I met already a friend who is teaching me meditation and yoga just to calm my thoughts. It helps somehow. I also met a virtual friend through chat who is now like my prayer buddy and is helping me grow spiritually in Christ. He sent me books already on healing inner child. Im also starting again my walking and swimming which I absolutely agree because when I stopped it, I get more depress. There is nothing much to do here, no cinema, no malls only the Pacific Ocean, hence, it was difficult for me to move on alone again after the guy left me.

Most of the time I think about him and still feel the pain of not being contacted. But I know deep down that it is for the best. I think that this time I am 100% sure he is not going to contact me again as I've been far too clingy for him already. I think subconsciously I have been really pushing his limits to test whether he will be for the long haul as he promised or not. I think that I've known the answer long time already and which is a lot better really for him to let go for I know we won't really have any future together. And I think that it was really what I wanted for him to let go.

I am now more focus on myself, have always been praying and I think that this has to happen because for a reason - it is paving the way for my complete healing and making me more stronger in faith.

I am glad that there are people like you who would help others who have lost directions in life. Depression is hard to deal with especially when it is caused by childhood trauma. No one really understands how you feel inside. But as my yoga friend said, just let it flow, observe the mind and not block it. Which is what I did, I always wanted to block it, I tried to stop it and the voice just gets louder in my head and hence I would reprimand myself. I hate myself when I'm in that state where I couldn't control my thoughts and feelings. But now I know, I shouldn't be hard on myself. It will take time. I have to accept that again I made a mistake but there will be other people, other guys coming my way again.

This might be the hardest journey of my life - journey towards a complete new me. I hope that through my prayers God will guide me not to stumble again. It takes time and will power but I know in due time I can do it.

Thank you again chuff.

Tinkerbell

[tinkerbellbabes]

I truly wish you would reread this thread and see that if you would love yourself as much as you try to love others, you would be so much happier and see things a lot different. For one you would see what a manipulative jack arse you have given your heart to, and for another you would not confuse sex, and the need for love, with real and true love that cares. Cut all contact with him and stop listening to his BS, and reject his offers to join his harem. Sell his stuff and keep the money, and have nothing to do with him what so ever. Love yourself enough to find a way to build a life that makes you happy and stay out of relationships for a while as part of your problem is moving to fast with your body, and not seeing anything after that as you had plenty of warning that you ignored. Sorry until you can love yourself, you will always be fooled into thinking what you have found is gold. Fools gold glitters too and you need to know the difference. Put yourself first and love yourself.

Thanks Talaniman. Again, like everyone else I agree with what you said about loving oneself. I just had a chat yesterday with my meditation guru and said that we create our surroundings - our situation and the people who comes our way. Whatever we perceive in our mind creates our outside realities. And I think that because I have perceived myself as someone who is unworthy of being love, I attracted men who actually made me feel less worthy, and thus I ended up being manipulated such us by this jack arse I've given my heart to.

I hope that my story will inspire people who are in similar situation. And I hope there will be more people like you guys who can help those who are depress and have no one to talk to.

[Inspired]

You diserve much better than this. This guy is using you either for sex, money (from the appliances you sell) or both. I also think that you have very low self esteem to feel this way about the guy. You keep saying that he says he won't give up on you. I am sure you have at least one person in your life (Friend or family member) who perhaps does not say it in words that they won't give up on you, but shows it in their actions. Words are easy to say, actions are hard to do. You don't need this guy "Saying" to you that he won't give up on you. You can find that in a friend or family member. It might be beneficial for you to seek some therapy for your low self esteem and the abuse you went through as a child. I really wish you the best and please keep me posted on how your situation turns out. For your own well being, stay away from this guy. Hes a player and he's using you.

[sypher373]

I know how hard it can be to constantly wonder and worry about the next call or attempt at contact. You wait, and hope, for the phone to ring, or for an email. But at the same time you are so worried about what it might say, what you are going to say in response, how it is going to make you feel after you hear it. I know how completely draining and damaging that is to your emotional health.

One thing I can suggest is that by taking control of the situation, you can remove much of that fear and nervousness from your life. I know that when I put my foot down, when I finally made a decision, I felt much better. Sure, I had my regrets after, but it always seems that the times I felt best was after I made the decision, and I knew I had control. It finally gives you the sense that you aren't as helpless as you think you might be.

Trust me, I have done that, felt better, and then reverted to the pain again and again. Just know that any regrets you may have afterward, any guilty thoughts, are temporary... You said that you know you have the power, in fact you are afraid of how powerful you are, why not use it? :)

[SAB123]

I know that when I put my foot down, when I finally made a decision, I felt much better. Sure, I had my regrets after, but it always seems that the times I felt best was after I made the decision, and I knew I had control. It finally gives you the sense that you aren't as helpless as you think you might be.

I agree, its been about 2 weeks since I let go I feel so much in control of my emotions and my life now. My head is clearer and see her for what she is.

[Ankita]

Well all that I would say is that this world is so full of men there is absolutely no neccessity to be with such a self obsessed man who wants to keep using you for his selfish motives... its not easy to move on but not impossible either... u need not go through such torture... and a man who himself has a thousand problems at his end won't help you find love or happiness... and if he has so brainlessly gone and gotten kids from a variety of women he shouldn't be of any consequence to you in your life in the first place... life is so beautiful... just go out and enjoy it rather than suffering this...