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sypher373 · Mar 17, 2007, 07:16 PM

Well guys,
Bad news...

tinsign, your free to yell at me all you want, I know I deserve it now...

I ignored the text messgae to feel better. Later on in the night, she called me, I also ignored that. She left a message after the call stating that she just wanted help with a computer problem her family was having in the house (I am quite good with technology). More for her family than her, I called her and helped with the situation... which unfortunaly took about 30 minutes.

Through the duration of the phone call, she could tell by my tone I was not happy, and I did not once deviate from the problem at hand... I cut all small talk off as soon as she started it.

Well after the call, I feel like a total idiot, because I find myself thinking about her nonstop now. I know it was a bad idea, and I know I won't make the same mistake again. I can't understand why even though I was so careful not to bring anything up other than the problem, not even small talk, I am still hung on this. It just made my mood 500 times worse...

ARG

TrueFaith · Mar 17, 2007, 09:49 PM

See man the no contact is for you! You speak to her it mixes up all the feelings man and it just hurts like hell! Shame on her for not respecting your feelings man.. just using you as a bloody emotion pillow!

Don't feel bad man at least you didn't say I miss you! Or anything like that.. just keep no contact now.. at least you can go out on a good note.. of helping people out :) think of it like that

Take care man.. and I've been there before.. trust me it will pass :)

sypher373 · Mar 17, 2007, 11:44 PM

Well, one last update...

Ive been thinking about it, and I think I know why it was tough for her not to contact me, and why I called her back later that night because I needed to straighten things out. The night we first discussed no contact, it was late, and I was pretty upset. It was a good conversation, though I wouldn't say it was handled in the most civil of ways. After having some time to cool down and do extra thinking about it, I still think it is the best idea, so I needed to call her and talk to her and have a good conversation and end on a good note. I just couldn't do the no contact aftern ending our last phone call on a bad note.

So tonight, when I talked to her, I explained to her that any ignoring her I was doing wasn't meant to hurt her, and I'm just doing it for myself, as well as her. I explained that she is thinking about herself now, and I need to start thinking about myself. I also explained that I believe if we keep contact, it will ruin any chance of us having any sort of friendship in the future, as I fear I will end up hating her.

I think the conversation went well, and we both know how upset each other is, though this won't change my mind about this. It sounds horrible, but it helps to know that it is just as hard for her as it is for me. While this floods my mind with questions like, "why is she doing this if shes so upset", I won't dwell and I will get on with my life, and trying to live without her in it. At least that way, when we do talk again in the future, I won't hold bitter feelings towards her, and I can work toward a healthy friendship.

Im feeling good about this, though I know it will be hard. I think I have finally wrapped my head around it all.

sypher373 · Mar 17, 2007, 11:48 PM

Does it seem wrong that being angry/bitter toward my ex makes it easier for me at times? I still feel for her very strongly, but when I convince myself that she is wrong, and that she is making a huge mistake, I get angry that she is making such a stupid choice. This makes it easier for me to cope, because I no longer feel like I have done something wrong... I don't see these feelings being permanent, as I have to convince myself to feel this way.

Does this seem like a bad way to cope? I don't want to harbor resentment.

JoeCanada76 · Mar 18, 2007, 12:05 AM

Yes, I believe it is the wrong way to cope. Being angry/bitter does not help you to heal. I think it just prolongs the healing process. Forgiveness, and knowing that each person has to make their own choices and decisions in life, whether you agree with it or not. Excepting that others have already made their decisions. Learning to except it and wish that person the best. I think these suggestions and more is better for healing for yourself.

Anger/bitter and resentment are all emotions that actually hold you back and keep you from moving forward.

Shawk · Mar 18, 2007, 04:38 AM

I disagree,

Getting angry can help you think about what really caused the breakup and realize it might have actually been for the best.

Geoffersonairplane · Mar 18, 2007, 06:32 AM

I agree with Jesushelper in that Anger and bitterness is a vicious circle and debilitates your healing. It is however a natural part of the grief process and will need to be ridden through and in time, these feelings will become much less frequent and more reflection on positive aspects of the breakup will surface. Acceptance takes time and that is it really, Time heals.. >Take it from me, I was where you were 6 1/2 months ago and I have come a long way, it does get better.

It is no good using anger and bitterness to reflect on why the breakup happened because then you are placing blame and this will only hold you back from growing and understanding why things happen.

Quite often, there is a reason for things like this happening.

tinsign · Mar 18, 2007, 06:39 AM

There are steps to every breakup we go through, which is perfectly normal, but to cope by staying angry all the time is not one of them.
Soon you are going to have to realize this as it is unhealthy not to go through the healing process.. this way of you staying angry is not going to heal you.
You must let go of the anger or it will turn you into a bitter person, go through your process so you can be happy again

tishee_76 · Mar 18, 2007, 06:54 AM

Hi sypher373
Geoffersonairplane has a great answer for you I believe.. Life doesn't give us set of instruction or a time plan, so it really depends on the individual how long any 'cycle' takes to work through..
Just be sure to deal with your feelings and not deny them.. And if at any time you feel your struggling there are loads of professionals who are there to help you through this and help you self heal..

Please don't stay angry though, I can honestly say it's a heavy bourden to carry through life, a real dead weight.. mean while you miss out on your own true happiness..

Good luck no matter what happens.. And well done for looking for answers it's a wonderful first step to a healthier heart..

sypher373 · Mar 18, 2007, 08:00 AM

I didn't want it to seem that I am angry all the time. I would say that most of the time I am quite understanding. I know she is doing what she has to do, and she has to understand that no contact is what I must do. I cannot allow her to tell me she does not want to be with me, but at the same time allow myself to be used.

Thanks for the answers everyone, I don't see myself being hung up on the anger... I think it is beucase I don't truly understand why this is happening, sometimes the answer "becuase I want to be single" isn't good enough...

tishee_76 · Mar 18, 2007, 08:21 AM

Oh.. my mistake..
Im glad your catering to try and understand her feelings as well..
You sound like a sensible person, just trying to figure yourself out.. You don't sound resentful..
I can understand your confused state..
Sometimes it doesn't matter how nicer people we are, we still get a little dumped on..
I hope this break up doesn't damage yourself esteem, just because she can't see herself with you at this point in her life doesn't mean you aren't a fabulous person to be with..

I reckon your going to be just fine and come through this experience with a new zest for life!
Best of wishes for now and the future..

katrina jane higgo · Mar 18, 2007, 08:38 AM

Babe.. if you want to cut the contact and you think its best you just must stop replying.. she will realise.. but be sure that's what you want.. is it time to really move on or are you still wanting to be in the whole siuation... its going to be OK sweetheart.. time is the best healer... your not a bad person your just hurting.. sending you my love

sypher373 · Mar 18, 2007, 09:22 AM

It is what I want, and I know I need to do it. Im not going to allow myself to be dragged along any more... Maybe well be friends in the future... maybe not. Time will tell...

Thanks :)

sypher373 · Mar 18, 2007, 09:24 AM

Im dion my best, and I'm sure you'll all be updated at some point

Thanks for all the help

Wildcat21 · Mar 18, 2007, 11:18 AM

"Its tough for me to start no contact when all I want to do is be there for her and help her"

Be there for her? She asked space. She doesn't wantyou to be there for her. She's dating other guys I a quite sure.

If you want her back you need to learn about playing hard to get. Being there like a lap dog will not bring her back.

No more Mr. 'Nice' guy - her gay friend can be there for her. You need to date other people as well.

Space 98% of the time means there is another guy involved.

talaniman · Mar 19, 2007, 06:09 AM

"Its tough for me to start no contact when all I want to do is be there for her and help her"

That is such a onesided view, and can't you see that it isn't in your best interest to keep contact, and actually push her further away. Yes it tough but for your own good leave her alone.

talaniman · Mar 19, 2007, 01:05 PM

Your sure have a lot of questions sypher and its understandable, I just hope your learning along the way.

talaniman · Mar 19, 2007, 01:16 PM

Oh gosh, enough about her and your pain, tell us what your doing about it. Is there anything positive in your life, new hobbies friends?? Are you paying attention to all that others are telling you? I understand the pain, and the questions but where the hell is the action it takes to get healthy and move on?? Sorry dude but I for one am tired of you beating yourself up.

sypher373 · Mar 19, 2007, 01:29 PM

Well tal,
I have finally realized that it seems when Id get upset, or have questions about it, I would jump into posting on here too soon. I have started to just take a step back and breathe for a few before I panic. I think I was panicing for a while, thus all the postings - and I apologize for anyone who is sick of that. I make myself sick when I read them all.

As for the situation, I have been going to the gym a lot more lately, healthier diet, just overall focusing on me. Its tough for me to go out so much based on the circumstances of my school, and its location, though I try to keep with the friends I have here more than be alone.

Ive finally disgusted myself to the point that I'm done posting about all my problems. Im sick of thinking about them and asking for help. From here, I am concentrating on myself, nothing else. There is no more reason for me to worry about everything, time will tell..

Again, thanks to all those who helped me through this, and sorry for being such a pain in the a** :) From here on out, I'm done with all the posts - Its time for me to man up and stop being a baby

talaniman · Mar 19, 2007, 01:57 PM

You are feeling bad now, and I understand the need to express it. Better here on this forum than anywhere else, positive actions for the benefit of you, are what you need and that is why I came harshly to get you busy. I hope you understand that.