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chuff · Mar 7, 2007, 04:01 PM

It sounds like from what you've written here that she is trying to dump her emotional problems or issues onto to you. To me that's a recipe for disaster because once she's emotionally fixed herself your left with her problems and not her. If she wants separation then that's what she should get. If you want to be there for her then talk about the days events but the moment she starts whining about her emotional concerns, leave the conversation. That's her problem not yours.

talaniman · Mar 7, 2007, 07:40 PM

There are a lot of threads here like yours, where after initiating a break they want to know how to get back with the ex. The advice is generally the same and that is to leave them alone and heal and get healthy. They are a confused as your ex is and need the time to get over the emotional fallout of the break. I suspect the same dynamic is at play here as her fear of you forgetting her is making her run to you. What many forget is that a healthy, honest relationship, depends on two healthy and honest people working together and communicating to solve their problems and without that, the same things that broke them up will repeat itself. You have been smart enough to work on your issues and deal with them she has not. All she cares about is filling the emotional need you provided, without the benefit of working on herself and her issues. Its easier than facing the real problem of working for a healthy relationship. I suggest you read some of those threads and add to your own insight to decide if she is honestly ready, or still confused and needs you for an emotional crutch.

sypher373 · Mar 7, 2007, 07:54 PM

Tal, I understand what you are saying, but I don't know if you understand I am not asking how I can get her back.

The problem I was concerned with is if being there for her was the wrong thing to do...

Case in point, she just called me, not 5 minutes ago. I was at the gym earlier and I missed a call from her, but she got me when I got back. She is sick, and just called to say she wanted to say goodnight before bed. That's fine with me, then she told me how much she missed me, while on the verge of tears...

I have to admit, at this point I'm not sure what I should say to her. Pretty much all I said is... I know, its okay.. just go to sleep so you'll feel better. I want to be comforting, but at the same time I don't know if I want to tell her how much I miss her, and make her feel as if I'm dependent...

Just wanted to clarify, based on your response I'm not sure I was clear enough the first time

talaniman · Mar 7, 2007, 08:08 PM

No prob. I knew you where not looking to get her back, and sorry for the long winded explanation I was just giving insight as to why she is calling in the first place. As far as a shoulder to cry on, as long as you let her she will call looking for her crutch. This in my opinion does her no good but keeps false hope alive on her part.

sypher373 · Mar 7, 2007, 08:34 PM

Ahh okay,

I understand a little more now...

Something ill definitely keep in mind,

Thanks

Jiser · Mar 8, 2007, 02:41 AM

She's confused so it seems perhaps you are to. A little space for both of you to find yourselves won't hurt. Why don't you explain to her maybe you two shouldn't speak for a while. She wanted that.

sypher373 · Mar 14, 2007, 10:09 AM

Well Guys,
Im back again...

A quick summary to this point... Its been three weeks since my girlfriend of almost 3 years asked me for space, citing that she 'wants to see what its like to be single, and doesn't feel for me the same as she used to'.

I'm glad to say that I think I'm starting to get better. I still have a hard time somedays, but I am able to go out and only think about her for a few minutes at a time. No longer do I spend all night not enjoying myself because I am depressed...

My issue is this... This week is my spring break. I go to school about two hours from home, so It was semi-long distance for the last year or so, but now that I am home, she claims she has "temptation" to see me. I have seen her twice this vacation already...

I went to see her as a friend... I intended to have a good time, make her laugh, and make her realize she can still have a good time with me, though I didn't mention us, nor try to do anything outside of friendship. We watched TV, went out to eat one night, etc...

My problem is, she seems to have trouble seeing me as a friend. She will hug me, sometimes at length, and tell me it "just feels right". I have no problem with this, my problem comes from the phone call we had later that night. She explained to me that she regrets doing this like this, because a big part of her wants to be back with me now, though she still has part of her which wants to be single...

I am really confused, and I don't have any expectations of getting back together with her, at least not anytime soon. I was hoping that we could just remain friends, as I seem to have a fear of her forgetting me, though she swears, and I know, she cannot just forget me.

I just don't understand why she tells me that she regrets hugging me, but she still had fun, and she is the one that says she misses me and really wants to see me. I have not been the one to ask to see her, I have just been asked to go over and visit?

Should I say no next time? Is she asking to see me because its easier, and she doesn't really want to see me? Is me going to see her because she asks wrong??

:( :( :(

Lowtax4eva · Mar 14, 2007, 10:16 AM

Every situation is different but this happened to me too, when I broke up with a girlfriend she kept asking me to come over and see her and we would hang out as friends and she would hug me, put her head in my lap etc and then say that it was wrong and she felt weird a few minutes later and it kept happening.

Eventually I just stopped talking to her completely since it made me feel weird when this would happen and eventually moved on.

Again every situation is different, she might be trying to decide if she wants to be back together or is just lonely so she asks you over and then regrets it once you arrive. My advice would be the same as last time, you need to move on, but others may disagree.

sypher373 · Mar 14, 2007, 10:20 AM

Forgot to mention...

The 12th was my birthday, and I believe the original reason we saw each other. She said she would feel terrible not seeing me, so I agreed to let her take me out to dinner. After dinner we hung out for a little while, and I went home.

That may have had something to do with her wanting to see me again in 2 days

sypher373 · Mar 14, 2007, 12:58 PM

Thanks lowtax,

Ive been thinking a lot of about it today, and the more and more I think about it, when she asks me to hang out again (I know she will be home tommorrow), I have the gut feeling to say no.

In my head, I want to say no, so I don't get hurt anymore, sometimes I just don't use my head when the time comes :-\

redant360 · Mar 14, 2007, 01:21 PM

I think you need to be strong. It's not your fault she can't make up her mind.
You sound like a person who knows what they want and when you have made up your mind commits 100%, which I think is fantastic!

I think you need to say "no" if she requests to see you again. This may be an extremely hard thing to do, but in the long run I think it will be a step in the right direction.
By saying this, it will give her space to think and the time to make a decision herself.

After all nobody deserves to be kept hanging in Limbo. It's just too painfull.

Wildcat21 · Mar 14, 2007, 01:24 PM

I'd be scarce... you absolutely don't contact her. Be busy. Break some plans.

Be hard to get... she needs to know she doesn't have you.

Skell · Mar 14, 2007, 03:36 PM

Sounds like she wants to just keep you where she wants you. She doesn't want to be with you because she wants to be single but if 'feels so right' when she holds you.

Your just being moved around like a pawn in a chess game so she can get what she wants or until she decide what she wants.

Do you want to be a pawn?

Steer clear of her and look after your own interests.

Stunning07 · Mar 14, 2007, 03:47 PM

Hey I'm kind of going through the same... my girlfriend told me she wants to be single (her space) and doest have time for me... what did you do did you quit calling her, and texting her? I'm kind of in the same boat I hurt every day... going through this.. but I'm the one who always ask her if we can hang out, and when we do hang out we kind of make out, etc... what should I do? Anyone have any ideas?

Jiser · Mar 14, 2007, 04:57 PM

Ahhh "the I want space!" Time to move on. Its hard but must be done.

1) No contact
2) Go out with your mates
3) Get a new direction in your life
4) Meet new people and try different new things
5) Start some new hobbies
6) Laugh and have fun fun!

You may find she comes back! But ask yourself, do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Who after she's played the field, o I made a mistake, its not that great, well tuff sh*t love, you would have moved on to a healthier place in a better relationship :)

I broke up with my ex three times, the first two times she came back in 2 weeks. Now its been 6 weeks NC, inculding this time was my birthday. I got a message the day before saying hppy birthday. But trust me abide by NC and you'll recover a lot more quick.

sypher373 · Mar 15, 2007, 12:43 PM

Originally Posted by Stunning07

hey i'm kinda going thru the same... my girlfriend told me she wants to be single (her space) and doest have time for me... what did you do did you quit calling her, and texting her? im kinda in the same boat i hurt every day... going thru this.. but im the one who always ask her if we can hang out, and when we do hang out we kinda make out, etc.... what should i do? anyone have any ideas?

Stunning, you might have more luck with your own post, but I can offer you this...

When she told me that she wanted space, it took me totally by surprise, I had no idea it was coming. After a few days of being completely devastated, I came to terms with it. I told myself, "there is nothing I can do, she wants space, I have to give it to her". Since then, I do not call/text/or IM her hardly ever (maybe 5% of the time). The vast majority is her texting me and talking to me.

My recommendations are to listen to what the people here will tell you, as tough as it is to read. In my case, I have not yet gone NC, though many people recommend it. I remained open to her, if she needs to call me, but I steer clear of talking about us, or any emotional issues she's having. I will talk about how her day is, etc... but not about us.

I still hurt most days, but it gets better. Now I can go most of the day, and only spend a short amount of time being down about it. At this rate, I can tell it will just get less and less as it goes on.

As bad as it sounds... lately I start to get angry with her. I don't let her know that, but in my opinion, its her loss. If she wants to throw away what she had with me, then that is her fault. I refuse to be upset because of her stupid (IMO) decisions.

Hope this helps...

And thanks to you other guys for your info :o

talaniman · Mar 15, 2007, 02:02 PM

The best way to end all of this speculation and game playing is to disappear from her life and do not return her phone calls. Stay as far from her drama as possible.

sypher373 · Mar 15, 2007, 09:31 PM

Well, maybe this should be in a new post, but I don't want to flood the homepage...

Tonight, I got upset aobut the fact that she didn't call me when she said she would, and I was feeling like I was being forgotten. Though this is probably not the case, and she is trying to move on, I got upset.

When I talked to her, I told her that I think we need to stop talking, as she asked for a break and isn't giving it to herself. I also told her that I felt lead on because she "flirted" with me when I would visit, and when she is at school with friends she acts like I no longer exist, as she can keep busy. This hurts me, though I know it is coming.

For the length of our breakup, she has yet to go more than one full day without talking to me, so I am concerned. The biggest concern in my mind is what I am going to do when I start to wonder where she is and what she's doing. This has happened to me so far, obviously, but I could always call her if it was a last resort. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can approach this..

I guess the bottom line is... im scared as hell. I am really afraid that I will break, and I won't know what to do. Someone must know that sinking/panicking feeling when you NEED to talk to them, and you just cant. I am afraid I will do that, and seem desperate.
The only other concern is that she will break NC, and I will feel bad ignoirng her. When do I stop ignoring her?

Thanks for any advice, I'm afraid to sleep tonight for fear of waking up much weaker

Jiser · Mar 16, 2007, 02:41 AM

Yeh it sux! Totally it's a four star bummer. But life goes on. People will come and go from your life, change is the only constant in this world. Some don't like it, some relish the challenge. You should see this as an opportunity to improve yourself rather than a depressive fall into oblivion.

Now this is what you should do.

1) Maintain no contact - that means storing all her details and everything which reminds you of her away in a place normally out of reach (including contact details)
2) Block her off myspace, msn all the usual stuff
3) If she tries to contact you, do not reply - block her, if there is a will, there is a way
4) Join the gym (why not go with friends) - if you need help with starting message me or chuff, I don't know anyone else currently on forums who does lifting. TeenBodybuilding.com - The #1 Site Dedicated To Teenage Bodybuilding! is a good place to start (read all the stuff there) You get a chance to improve yourself - ull look buff and your ex won't have you and it feels great
5) Listen to nice music ;)
6) Just chill out, spend time with your friends and family and keep yourself busy all the time
7) Try book a short holiday
8) Laugh
9) Enjoy life
10) Get a new direction in your life - a new hobby perhaps
11) Meet new people
12) Come here and help others

And don't worry she's not dead is she? Time heals and one day you may meet again, life goes on and you don't need anyone else to be happy.

s_cianci · Mar 16, 2007, 07:22 AM

Do what you feel comfortable with. If you like seeing her this way, then fine. Don't pay much mind to or be taken in by her double-talk. Do what feels right to you and make your decisions based solely on that. However, don't expect any miraculous re-kindling of your previous relationship anytime soon.