[X-stream87]

I can sympathize with your situation as I went through something very similar with my ex girlfriend, where she was the one that wanted to end the relationship because she did not feel the same way anymore, but she kept contacting me, the reason she did it is because she wanted to make sure she had me to fall back on until she could make sure she could find someone else. From what it sounds like your ex is doing the same thing, if you allow her to do it to you then you will end up more hurt then you can possbiel imagine.

So therefore I would advise you to listin to what she has to say, but remind her that this was her decision and that if she stop feeling the same love for you once then it could easily happen again, so do NOT get back together with her, cut of communication with each other completely until you both can figure out exactly what you need from a relationship, because I don't believe you need each other right now.

Hope this helps you out and take it easy.

Good luck

[sypher373]

Well thanks guys,

I am going to talk to her, and see what she has to say. I have a feeling she is just looking for some consolation, and I will give that to her. I don't want her to hurt anymore than she has to, but I want to let her know that it is not easy for me either.

I know in my head I have no intention of getting back with her, at least until I can be certain I am not going to get hurt again. The problem is, I am afraid what I know in my head, and what I feel inside are two different things. I just need to make sure that my mind wins out over what I feel/want :-\

Thanks again

[sypher373]

Hello all,

I have read quite a few of the longer discussions which have taken place here, and I hope that you can help me with mine.

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for just shy of 3 years. Last week, she told me that she didn't feel for me as she used to, she just didnt think that she loved me as much as I love her.

Soon after that, she told me she thought it was so stupid, and she made a huge mistake. I took her back, because it was all that I wanted. Now, a week later, she has told me she still has that feeling in the back of her mind, and she can't shake it.

I know the reason she came back to me the first time is because everyone she talked to told her it was a mistake -- including her family and some of her friends. They told her that she would not find someone as good as me, and why would she want to leave me.

Now, she has told me that she wants a break again, and her reason is so that "she can be by herself becuase she doesn't know what it would be like to live without me". The problem is, i thought we were perfect.

My main concerns are these:

It seems since she has gone to school, she has become more social and this might have something to do with why she wants a break. She told me that the thought of the possibility of being with a specific person has crossed her mind, but also swore to me she couldn't see herself with him. She says she just wants time to hink and be by herself.

Also, this friday night, we were planning on seeing each other, as i was going to go to her school and stay overnight. We still have plans to see each other, though all communication between us until then is at a bare minimum. I don't know what I should do when I see her. I think that if i tell her how i really feel, and break down, she will take me back, though this might be just because she feels bad. I know that shouldn't be waht i want, but I am willing to do anything at this point.

One last troubling part of this whole thing is that I asked her this morning if she was sad, and she told me that sad wasn't the word, it was more confusion. Hearing this almost made me break down in class. for the last week between the first time this happened and now, we seemed perfect. I asked her once "Will you stay with me forever" and she responded, "of course". Thinking back on that now, all I want to do is die, beucase I am so afraid that I wont have that again.

She has promised me that when she sees me friday she will go into with an open mind, and we will try to talk about things then. I know this is only a 2 or 3 day break, but it is my sincere hope that she misses me.

When I see her, should I bring her flowers or do anything to try to win her back? I told her I was planning on bringing her flowers originally (before she told me this) and she said that she didnt want that, bcause it would just make her decisions harder.

I am sorry for writing so much, but i feel like I can't survive.

Somebody please help me :(

Well one more update for now...

We talked last night, and in the end I told her that I don't think she's being fair to her or me by still contacting me. I told her that she isn't giving herself the break she told me that she needed, and she will never find out what its going to be like without me if she keeps contacting me so often. I told her that I feel that by doing this, I am running any chance of her thinking this was a mistake.

So now, we are going to try to keep conversations to a minimum, I am going to continue not contacting her, and she will contact me only when she absolutely has to. What troubles me is she said that about one full day of talking, she doesn't know how much longer she can go without talking to me. I suppose I can try to make myself less available when she calls, but I don't want to ignore her either.

Do you guys think I'm going about this the right way?

[sypher373]

I suppose this is a sort of follow-up to my original post.

My ex and I have been separated for some time, and I have not contacted her, though she seems to need to contact me often. That is besides the point of this post.

I feel that I am beginning to get over it. When I walk, I feel taller and better about myself that I used to. I no longer walk around feeling depressed and upset constantly -- not to say that I don't have my moments. Though overall, I am starting to see myself in a better light than I can remember for quite some time now.

The problem I have now is that I have visions of my ex being with other people and being happy with them. I know it is selfish for me to think that she won't move on to someone else, and she has told me she isn't looking for someone now, it just hurts for me to think of her having what we had, with someone else.

Are these thoughts normal? Is there something wrong with my head?

[Teaching]

It is completely normal for you to feel this way. It is always hard to see someone with your ex, it is heartbreaking. However in time things will heal. Try to think positively, I know it is hard, thinking about it negatively will just wear you out.

[daisydew]

My ex got together with someone just a couple few weeks after we broke up. It was really devastating.. I think I pretty much had a total melt down. I took about three days off from school and pretty much just cried.

On the other hand, the worst thing that could have happened is now over with. I feel like I've dealt with the worst of it and can finally move on. He was leading me on for a long time and him being with someone else let me see how he really felt about me.

I'm not sure what your situation is, if you're still talking to her or not. I think the best thing is just to make it so there's no way you can really find out if she's with someone else. If you do end up finding out that she has moved on, it will hurt, but you will get through it!

[sypher373]

Well, she isn't with anyone else, and I have no reason to believe that she will be for a very long time. She is pretty upset about this, and I talked to her about not calling me as often, and she is taking it harder than I am, so I'm pretty confused. It seems like she still feels strongly for me, though she told me she didn't.

My mind is just playing tricks on me, and I think about the future too much.

Thanks for the input guys :)

[entrepinoy]

I suppose this is a sort of follow-up to my original post.

My ex and I have been separated for some time, and I have not contacted her, though she seems to need to contact me often. That is besides the point of this post.

I feel that I am beginning to get over it. When I walk, I feel taller and better about myself that I used to. I no longer walk around feeling depressed and upset constantly -- not to say that I dont have my moments. Though overall, I am starting to see myself in a better light than I can remember for quite some time now.

The problem I have now is that I have visions of my ex being with other people and being happy with them. I know it is selfish for me to think that she wont move on to someone else, and she has told me she isnt looking for someone now, it just hurts for me to think of her having what we had, with someone else.

Are these thoughts normal? Is there something wrong with my head?

I think that anyone who has ever been in a failed relationship tries to comfort themselves by thinking that they are better off than their ex. It's completely natural because we are insecure beings. Of course more often than not it is much harder when the wounds are fresh but give it time and your feelings will level out.
Maybe her "need to contact you often" is the reason for you being upset when you think about her being happy with someone else. This act is making you feel like she still needs you and that you are the only one who she needs.
I think it was good for you to tell her that her calls weren't helping you mend. Honestly, the best person to look out for yourself is YOURSELF. You can't help her with her issues if you haven't dealt with them on your own.
My 2 cents.

[sypher373]

entrepinoy, that was pretty much my line of thinking.

She messaged me again, and I am confused because she acts like she misses me. I don't know whether to think she truly misses me, or if she is just making sure I am still here waiting. Currently, I am trying to pull myself away so that I don't look despearate, and appear as I am waiting for her calls. I want to be here for her, but I don't want to let her think I am sitting here waiting to catch her if she falls.

She cut me out of her life, and she needs to accept that... am I right?

[LBP]

Specifically, Sypher, you need to accept it - cut her off. For the sake of maintaining a friendship with her, please do this. You're going to feel a lot of bitterness and resentment to her because of this (rightly so) and it's only going to lead to hurt if you allow her to stay in your life. 3 months at least. Go from there.

[kp2171]

Absolutely normal.

Every girl I've loved and lost, whether I broke it off or she did, I've had these thoughts about to some degree. Obviously more when you are the one with the broken heart.

So yeah, it is absolutely normal. And it goes away.

Hell, I still wonder now and then if my ex-gf's think about me ever... and I'm a happily married man in a fantastic relationship whod never cheat.

You had a connection. It'll always be there. But at some point you stop thinking about what you are missing, and the fact they have moved on doesn't bug you.

[sypher373]

Guys I'm back again :confused:

I have talked to my ex about not talking so much anymore, she agreed that she asked for space, and was talking to me, so she wasn't being fair to me. We both agreed that conversation should be kept to a bare minimum for a while, and then we can see what happens from there.

Two problems/questions. I have been keeping busy by going to the gym, watching TV, playing my guitar etc... But the problem is, I can't resist the temptation to check things such as her away messages and things. When I see it, like tonight, and there are things like... "Going out", I get upset. I know I shouldn't because it isn't my business, but I just feel like she is moving on without me. Now, she isn't a partying kind of person, and I'm sure she is probably just at a friends, or even her sister's house, but it still upsets me. Does anyone have any suggestions to keep my mind off this? Has anyone else ever been there?

The only other question I have is if is truly possible for ex-first-loves to remain friends after. I have heard from other people that your first true love always keeps a place in your heart, and I don't know if that will interefere with being friends. I understand the first step to being friends is minimizing contact, and that's where I am at. I am prepared to call her, and let her know when I would like to see her again, without any lingering feelings. Has anyone ever been on the other side of this, and remained good friends with a first love?

Thanks guys

[Nosnosna]

Your last question is the most important one.

You can remain friends, if circumstances permit. You never truly forget any love, first or otherwise, and that can make things awkward down the line... there's always a hint of something there, even if it's just a bit of nostalgia. I'm still good friends with my second serious girlfriend, although I credit that to two things: we were very good friends before anything happened romantically, and there was always enough openness between us about everything that we never let ourselves get caught in any of the countless traps that pop up. Even so, we both have the lingering sexual attraction from before, and are open about its existence, though we never act on it. It took a while, but we're back to where we were before we got involved.

You need to get past wondering where she is. Stop looking at her away messages... take her off your buddy list if you have to. If you insist on not going no-contact, switch to non instant communications... e-mail and the like, rather than phone or IM... there's no expectation of an immediate response to an e-mail, and therefore no letdown when no response comes until later. I would recommend no contact for a while, though, at least until you get over your need to check up on her. Stay away from the computer, and turn your phone off when you are at home... those are your temptations. Do things away from those, such as reading a book.

[sypher373]

Thanks for the advice,

I guess its pretty much stuff I know already, I just need that little kick in the pants to get myself going.

Thanks again

[sypher373]

Nosnosna,

Just a quick question...

How did you handle it when you guys broke up? Did you go the NC route? Or were you able to remain "friendly" but not so often conversation throughout the whole time? Did you often get upset by the thought that she may be interested in someone else?

[Nosnosna]

Short answer: I handled it poorly :)

The backstory: I had just gone off to college... 10 hour drive between home and school, so visiting wasn't exactly an easy thing to arrange. In our defense, her plan was to go to school in the same city I was going to (we arrived at our school choices completely separately, and they were 20 blocks apart), but the funding fell through for her and she ended up staying close to home. She came up to visit a couple of months into the semester, on her fall break weekend, and that's when she broke the news to me.

That was the point in my life that I got bitter. Really bitter, for quite a while... that's the phase in my life that I started the decline into alcoholism. She had already found somebody specific that she was interested in... that she didn't tell me any of this until the second night she was in town didn't help things. We didn't go no contact at all... we had been extremely good friends before anything happened, and that has stayed important to both of us throughout. We spoke on the phone about once a week for a while afterwards, and, being the (almost overly) caring person I am, I gave her advice and helped her with problems with her new relationship. It hurt like hell, and I wouldn't recommend that choice to anyone.

It took about a year to really get over it... I think it took longer than it would have if we'd been out of contact, because initially, it was just like rubbing salt in the wound. At her wedding reception three years, she told me I was the only other guy she ever even thought about marrying, and that if things had been even slightly different... but hypotheticals like that aren't worth spending too much time thinking about. It helps that I know she made the right choice: She ended up marrying the guy she left me for.

[sypher373]

Well,

I am only about two weeks into this, but I can definitely relate to that. I would say the same thing about myself, I think I am a bit too caring. At this point, I am so caught up in just being her friend, and still being in her life somehow, that I will talk to her about her problems. I want to be there for her, and I tell myself in my head that I can talk to her and it doesn't affect how I feel about her anymore. I am starting to grow used to not having her around to talk to, and I can talk to her when she calls. Sometimes I doubt myself though. Its hard to find yourself in question like that -- enough to drive me insane.

Either way, I don't think I will ever go no contact with her. Im sure 99% of the people here will call that a stupid move, and call me naïve for saying I think she is different than a lot of the cases I read on here. I truly believe that she still cares for me, just not in such a romantic way.

Today has been a rough day. Its almost midnight here, and I am having trouble beucase I haven't heard from her all day. I think this is the first time we have gone a full 24 horus without a single text message or IM or anything. It hurts because I can't stop wondering what she is doing, who she is with, and if she's thinking about me. I know that is all self destructive thinking, but I can't help it. The thought of calling her just to say hi has crossed my mind dozens of times already tonight, but I promised myself, I won't initiate any contact, I will just let her come to me.

-I sure hope I can keep that promise :-(

[sypher373]

UPDATE:

Just got a text from her actually.
I feel like a big jerk because she was actually sick and slept pretty much all night. She just asked how my day was going and "didnt want to go all day without talking". I didn't ever accuse her of anything, so she doesn't know I was so freaked, I don't want to let her know when I am, I just feel silly/stupid :(

Oh well...

[kp2171]

You are going through the normal crap that it takes to get through this.

I had an awful breakup with my first love... partly cause I hung on waaaaaay too long when it was time to be done... so by the end I was frustrated that my trying didn't get me any further and she felt guilty for leading me on when I was pretty much volunteering to be led.

So in my case, years ago, I didn't do no contact until it was way too late... and that, in part, cost us our friendship. Don't get me wrong, she did some bad stuff and should own the lions share, but I think if I had handled my side differently, we could have been friends down the line.

So... how to keep busy and keep your mind off her. Its one day at a time, one hour at a time, etc... at first at least. I know you're sick of hearing that time helps, but it is true. Absolutely.

Now as far as you being friends and her always having a special place... I do think the first deep love is really unique... I am a very happily married man. But there are things about that first relationship that have never been duplicated. Does that mean it was better than others?

no.

Each relationship is unique. You just can't try to match one with another. You grow and learn and you are a different person in time.

So can you be friends. Sure. I honestly think it can happen. Should you be worried about that now? Not too much. When I say don't burn bridges and be as kind as possible to an ex or during a break I do not mean be a doormat. I mean be as civil as you can as long as you are being fair to yourself. That can always allow for friendship down the line, perhaps.

But I'm just not a big believer in counting on it. You can stall yourself from moving on, even if you are focused on the friendship. Again, been there. Guilty.

So what you are going through is normal. One step, man. Then one more.

[sypher373]

Well its me again...

For those of you who read my previous posts, you know what I have been through lately, and I am just looking for a little more advice...

Since my girlfriend has asked me for space, I have refused to initiate any contact with her. However, I told her that I would be here for her, if she ever needed me. I told her that I will give her the space she wants, but if she needs to contact me, I won't ignore her...

Well, so far she has done a lot of contacting me. In the last two weeks, I don't think we have gone 24 hours without talking, but 95% of the contact was initiated by her? I don't know how to take this..

I refuse to let myself believe that this means she is changing her mind, and thinks it was a mistake to leave me. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment, I just don't understand what is going on... :(

She has called me more than once and told me that she is very upset, and sometimes feels like she is never going to feel better, or feels like she can't live without me. The best I can tell her is that this is what she wanted, and she has to deal with the consequences of her decision. I told her that I would be here for her to talk to, but I can't tell her that what she did was right or wrong, nor can I tell her if she will feel better. That truly depends on her feelings for me I believe...

Anyone have any insight?