[sypher373]

Thanks Skell,
I know I worry too much, and I guess I've always done that.

I guess I really hate the fact that I don't have control, but I know I can't do anything about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm doing a lot better than I was a week ago, I was just having a lapse tonight. I'm sure ill be back where I was tomorrow, I guess I ran out of things to keep my busy :)

Anyway, 90% of my thoughts lately have been about me and my future, so I am definitely making progress. Its just trying to keep those thoughts from consuming me. Im training myself to keep them out of my head, because I know all they do is make me worry and there's not a damn thing I can do about them.

On a happier note, I found out that I received an Intenship position I applied for this summer, which gives me something to look forward to. By far the highest paid job I have ever held, and its in my field, so it will provide me with tons of experience.

I want to thank you guys again for letting me complain everyday :)

I know my mind isn't always where it should be, but I'm sure you know it gets a little tough at times... No matter, I know what I need to do, and I'm going to keep on doing it.

Summer... here I come :)

[Skell]

Well done on the job and yes you are doing good. It is plain to see in your responses. Its great to see. Keep it up and keep moving forward.

Good news about the job too. Congratulations.

[grammadidi]

So happy to hear about your internship, Sypher! Woohoo!

Okay... now, about the problems you are having in the evening - you need to find something you can do as a replacement for those thoughts. Go out, take a walk, call a family member (and DON'T talk about her!), lift weights, take a shower, find an all-night bowling alley, shoot a game of pool, go to the Y and swim, knit, write a book, watch a comedy, paint... ANYTHING!! Sheesh... go stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself to straighten up! :P

In fact, if you absolutely MUST dwell on her then do this. Get yourself a notebook. Every time you feel those temptations or feelings come back write them out. THEN... and this is the key... respond to those written words as if you were talking to your best friend. It's kind of like talking to yourself. Just write whatever comes to your head, then respond to it in a helpful way.

You have come a long way, mister, don't go backsliding now! (I know you won't!)

Hugs, Didi

[sypher373]

I think I'm starting to understand how this whole thing works...

Im defnately going through the mood swings which, from what I understand, is completely normal. Lately I'm feelings pretty angry/bitter about what she's doing - but I'm keeping it out of my mind and just living my life. At least I recognize that Im going through mood swings and I know my mood will change in a day or two.

Time for TV and bed,

Night All :)

[Skell]

Yup,

Up and down. Ride the roller coaster. Just stick to your guns though!

[grammadidi]

You know, I can tell you are a real nice guy (maybe too nice?)... but that doesn't mean you can't allow yourself to feel angry with her, you know! It's okay to feel it. In fact, it's healthy.

Yes, you will have mood swings. Just try to learn what triggers them and plan ahead how you will deal with them, then they won't feel too overwhelming when they hit.

Hugs, Didi

[Jiser]

Distractions help yes and will become part of your normal life once more, as time goes by you will find her less and less in your mind. One day you will wake up and you won't think of her all day then perhaps she might pop into your head in a fleeting thought. You will think to yourself - my god! I am over her.

You'll never forget your past unless you die or something else bad... but after time, months maybe years it will become easier. People will come and go through your life, other relationships will probably end, however throughout this the only path you will be on is your own and you must choose how to walk it, no one else.

I know of several people in my immediate family who reunited with their childhood sweethearts etc. My cousin met his ex of 3 years (during his late teens) in his early/late twenties I believe - they been together 10 years now. My auntie married someone from her past many years after she had kids and had been married once and had several other relationships. Despite this though! - Best not to hold on to hope.

[talaniman]

Hi sypher, just want to let you know that your on the right path, and have come a long way in the last month and a half, since you got here. I like the therapy idea a lot, and it may not seem like progress is being made, but I hope you stick with it as I'm sure it will help a lot in the long run. I must point out though, That of your 14 posts you are always talking about her and hardly about you. I bring this up because it is so unhealthy to put someone else's problems before yours. Since you cannot help her, that's her problem, you should focus on you and your issues. I also see you talking a lot, but not about the actions your taking to get a life without her and enjoying yourself. Talking and venting is great, but nothing beats some solid positive action. While you are writing those feelings down make a list of things to do whenever she invades your thoughts for more than a minute. Overall leave her alone and don't care how you do it or how her feelings are hurt. No Contact is NO CONTACT, whatsoever. I know how hard it is but you better concentrate on getting healthy, so you can see things clearer and can find your own happiness. You already know all of this, so please I beg you to spare us her feelings and problems cause we don't give a rats a$$ about her at all, but do want you to be able to deal with life on its on terms. Your doing better than you think, hang in there. This is one long a$$ thread and I hope you appreciate the people who care enough to help you through this. I do as you have had great support.

[sypher373]

I definitely appreciate everything that everyone has said, and I have read and reread this entire thread quite a few times. It helps me to read the same things a few times over.

I know I seem to be hung up on her and how she's doing, and that was basically my reason for questioning counseling. It just seems to be something in my mind that won't let me stop thinking about her. Im not sure I think about her any less, but Im certainly less upset than I used to be, so I'm getting somewhere.

Im hoping that with time the thoughts I have about her will fade out, as I become more busy and have nothing to do with her anymore. I know its frustrating to you guys, just as much as it is to me, that I can't keep myself from thinknig about her, and I wish it was a switch I could flip... Maybe there's something different about the way my mind is working, or the way I'm looking at this, but trust that I'm doing the best I can to keep her out of my mind.

Thanks again to everyone for all the help... im sure id be having a much harder time without all the advise I get here. :)

[sypher373]

Well I'm home for the holiday weekend, and tonight sucks.

No friends around, either busy or still at school. Not only that, I'm tempted to do things I shouldn't do. Going to be a tough night... Im really starting to get angry with myself because it seems like I can't let go of this, no matter how hard I try.

I realize that its starting to get old that I'm always sad about this, and I apologize if I'm getting on your nerves, I just needed to write this stuff down :( My mind wanders back down paths I know it shouldn't and it just sucks. All my doubts/insecurities and fears are playing through in my mind.

Either way, I'm going to go for a drive, maybe some loud music will clear my head a bit. I know it was stupid of me, but I was hoping she would contact me just so I know she's thiking about me. The stupidest part is that it shouldn't matter to me if she's thinking about me, but for some reason it still does.

Anyway, I know what to do, and I know what's wrong... I just can't seem to fix it. Time will help.

I really want to thank anyone who's still reading this.. I guess I just need to get out and clear my mind a little. Hopefully I can stay busy and keep off here all weekend, that's my goal. Happy Easter all

[talaniman]

Yeah! Friday nights use to be my worst. Everybody having fun but me. Sucked big time. But I found a few chess players and had something to look forward to. Trust me your mind is mush after a best of 7 series.

[grammadidi]

Give it time, Sypher... it will fix itself as you concentrate on YOU. You will be a lot further ahead if she doesn't contact you. If she does it will set you back big time. You really need to set some goals for yourself and work at them. A long time ago I suggested some charity work. Seeing the plights of others less fortunate than ourselves usually is a humbling experience. You really do need to keep your mind occupied and healthy. I hope the night goes okay. It will be a difficult weekend but lets hear some positive stuff about YOU, okay??

Hugs, Didi

[Matt3046]

As I like to say a little therapy never hurt anyone. Some of them are very good at their lob, and others not so much. Keep trying the right one can change your life. Also no matter what anyone tells you there is nothing wrong with taking anti-depressants. Its no different than being sick in any other way. If you can muster the energy exercise always helps too.

[sypher373]

You want some positive stuff... heres some :) (maybe thinking about it all and writing it down will help me remember it)

First off, I got my new job. Im really psyched about starting that, going to be making loads of money this summer, and I don't have to spend it on a g/f anymore :)

I've also been hitting the gym nice and hard, I'm lifting a bit more than when I started, not to mention the 15ish pounds I lost since I started. If I lose another 10 or so, Ill finally be happy with my weight and hopefully my self-confidence will go up some. Im also reading a book that I got on Amazon called "The six pillars of self esteem". I just started it, only about 15 pages in, and I left it at school... ill have to read a little more on Monday... anyone read it?

Im really looking forward to the summer. I will be so busy with my first 9-5 job, going out at night, and I may even have a side project through school. My mind won't have time for anything else. Im also going to get a membership toa gym come summer time as the school gym won't be available anymore.

Tonight was all right, the drive really helped. Its funny how the music I thought would depress me actually made me feel better :)

EDIT-

Forgot to mention... I've been thinking pretty seriously lately about joining the US marines. Ive always wanted to do it, and just figured I wouldn't be able to. I've finally started to thinik... WHY NOT? I've got two more years of school, then I may join up and see if I can get my dream job in the military. It would be a perfect transition to the government, which has been my goal for a long time. All the thought and research I've been doing on that helps me to keep my mind busy as well. Anyone have any expierence/relatives that were in the marines? I'm trying to get some insight that's a little more objective than the recruiters office :D

[SAB123]

I'm currently going through the same thing again. My ex broke up with me 5-6 times within 5 yrs (can't remember really how many) But cut all ties of from her because it going to eat you up inside and you'll keep think of her. I never did that when she broke my heart the other 5 times. I just told her yesterday to leave me alone for ever and meant it. I felt bad and I know that's not what she wanted to here but I'm #1 not her. And you shouldn't worry about her anymore its hard not too but she's not your problem no more. I thank God I found this site, because it getting me through this faster then before. Tal told cut all ties off and give every thing back which I'm going to do tomorrow. Then I'll coutinue to heal myself. I still think about her and it suck. But there are some great people here on this site who care, your friens and family. I read these post over and over, it helps a lot. Hang in there, time does heal!

[sypher373]

Guess I didn't make it all weekend :(

Quick question/concern on NC. I know NC is to be used to let myself heal... I guess to remove the emotional "need" I have in my ex, so that I can be healthy on my own. My question is this... To be worried that any contact with her would reduce the effect of her missing me is against the point of NC correct? I mean, to worry that she will stop missing me/miss me less because of contact is an indicator that I want her back, which is unhealthy... am I right?

My only other concern is that I seem to use the fact that summer will be here in 4 weeks, and with that she will be out of school and away from her friends (whom I still blame for all of this), to make me feel better. I know that's not right, and I know it doesn't mean anything will change then, but it helps me to relax to know that any temptations will be moved far away from her. Is it all right if I use this line of thinking, just to get me through the times I go through now, and hopefully by the time summer does come I have made some better, longterm improvements?

[sypher373]

All right guys,

I think I'm going to make this my last post on this thread, at least for a while. Hopefully by the time I post again, enough time will have passed for me to start a new thread.. with a happeier title.


To be honest, I just finished rereading the entire thread... again. Im starting to get disgusted with how stuck on this entire thing I am. I really just want to get over and stop worrying about everything so much. Im getting to where I am sick of my daily life, beucase it's a constant battle with myself.

Soooooooooo, from here on out, I'm taking some time off. I am going to see what I can do to deal with all my issues on my own, and hopefully, maybe in a weeks time, I can post again and give you all an update on how great I'm doing. I know ill be fine, I just need to learn to deal with my issues on my own and stop looking for advice on every little bump in the road.

I want to send a sincere thanks to everyone for all their help throghout this thread. I really appreciate all the time and thoughts you guys have put into this for me. The post above this should be my last seeking advise, at least for some time now. If anyone as anything to say about that, I certainly will check this thread, as I know I will be rereading it in the week to come.

Thanks again to all that have helped me, and I only look forward to being strong enough to move on from this, and have a life without this constant emotional battle.

[sypher373]

Hey guys,

Its been a while, and I figued I sort of owed you an update on my situation.

Well, since the last time I have posted things have changed a bit. I started to finally be able to move on, and was getting along all right. I still had quite a few relapses, good days, bad days, all to be expected I suppose.

I'm not going to say I ever cut contact completely. The longest without contact that I had ever gone was probably about a week, though any contact we did have was very minimal. Well it turns out that she has been doing a lot of thinking and told me this:

'I wanted you to know I have been doing a lot of thinking. Ive been thinking about us a lot and Ive been happy when I was doing it. Ive been happy because Im thinking about my future, and your always there in it. I know your not ready for a relationship, and neither am I, school is too much right now'

I'm not exactly sure where we stand after this conversation, but I wasn't pushing the issue. I let her say what she needed to say,and I let it go. I don't want to obcess on one issue and become hung up on something. She has 3 weeks of school left, as do I until summer break. I have two more years of college, she is done for good after these three weeks. At this point, it seems I will be waiting to see what happens then.

By no means am I "giving in" or going back to the way we were. I am continuing the exercising, reading for improving myself esteem, good diet, etc which I started because of the breakup. I assume, if anything, we will begin as good friends, and see what happens from there.

She hasn't told me that she wanted to be back together, but based on what she did say, it sounds as if that may be where her mind is headed. If it does happen, I am happy to think the relationship will not be the same. I had issues with how attached we were before, and how it was hard to keep my own life and go out with my own friends when I wanted to. I believe this has given the relationship the opportuinity to change and/or start over.

One last point id like to make is that I like the fact that she told me this in a cautios way. This makes me believe that she isn't jumping into something on a whim, and that she is truly trying to think her way through it and be careful about what she does. She didn't say, "I want to get back together and have things go back the way they were", rather, she said "I know were not ready for a relationship, but I wanted you to know Ive been thinking".

Let me know what you think?

Thanks again to everyone who was here for me throughout this whole ordeal, I wouldn't have made the changes to myself without you. And no matter what happens, that's the biggest gain I will get from this.

-Nick

[sypher373]

Hi all,

If you don't know my situation, this link should bring up mostly up to speed: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...apy-76282.html .

I am back again because things are progressing, though I want to be sure that I am handling this correctly... Over the past few weeks, my ex and I have begun to talk slightly more often, in a friendly way. Now I haven't initiated any (at least very minimal) contact between us, though for the next few weeks I won't be very busy, so I am usually available. When she calls, I will answer and we will talk.

The conversations have been innocent. I made it very clear to her earlier in the breakup that if we talk, I don't want to talk about us nor do I want to talk about any romantic interests she has other than me. Some of our conversations have lasted over an hour, and they have always been enjoyable on both sides. During the week, I and her are both at school, and we talk maybe two nights a week. However, on the weekends, she is home, away from her friends and schoolwork, and we talk more often.

We have seen each other on the weekends, and she is beginning to act more and more romantic towards me, and seems to be having trouble keeping her emotions hidden. I don't make a big deal out of things she does, as I don't seem to be so hung up on it anymore. She has hugged me, held my hand, run her hands through my hair, etc etc and I try to ignore the fact that it is happening. She has told me that she is afraid to do anything which will hurt me, as she is undoubtedly still confused.

Here are my concers:

-Though it is much less, I still am bothered at times by the fact that I talk with her much less durng the week than on the weekends. I do not want to feel as if I am suddenly second to her friends, though technically we are just friends.

I know there are many happy couples which don't talk every day, and for some reason, even though we are not a couple, I still miss her when she doesn't call me for a couple of days. It seems to bring out my insecurities and I begin to think that she is lying to me, and that she doesn't miss me at all. I know this is normal to some extent, and maybe I am just overanalyzing. What do you think?

As an update to how I am doing: In general, I have been getting much better. I have 2 more weeks of school, then summer break starts and I can't wait. Working full time all summer, and (hopefully) buying myself a motorcross bike :) I still have the sadness/worried feelings, though mostly in the mornings when I first wake up. I have finally discovered that I can control my thoughts, and when I begin to get upset about specific events/things I have seen, I can stop the thoughts, and return to a normal mood much faster than before.

Thanks to anyone who read the whole thing, and thanks in advance for any advice :)

[redgravedante]

Bro... do w.e u want.if she loved u like u think.then it wouldn't mater how clingy u are and how much u call her. If u miss her u miss her, and if u trust in her love for u then she will back no matter what...