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hgeorge648 · Mar 29, 2012, 01:48 PM

I married my wife this January 2012. We have been together for a total of 10 years, living together 6 years, and engaged 3 years. Today she brought to my attention of an affair she had with her ex boss three to four years ago. She is a little vague how long the affair lasted and exactly when it started. She tells me it only lasted 2 months. I find it a little hard to believe as she worked for him for five years until 2010 when he was arrested for fund raising fraud (he was a councilman). During that time she came home late many times. Further I discovered she is still communicating with him via email( yes federal prisoners can get email :))
She said the emails are innocent but refuses to show them to me. She is crying and wants to "move forward"

However I don't know what to move forward from? Was this a fly by night affair or a lasting relationship?

DoulaLC · Mar 29, 2012, 02:08 PM

I don't know how you can move forward if she is still in contact with him. She messed up, she apparently has been feeling guilty about it, and decided to come clean with you on it. If she really wants to move forward, she needs to be willing to do all that she can to earn your trust back, and that includes ending all contact with him. Do you have any idea as to when he is likely to be released? Did she give a reason as to why they e-mail back and forth? If it is totally innocent, there shouldn't be any reason why you can't see them. You already know that they had an affair so what is there to hide? Could she have known about, or in some way been involved in, the fraud as well?

Since she wants to move forward, I'd have a serious discussion about where the relationship goes from here. What is she willing to do to show she wants it to be the healthy, loving, HONEST marriage that it should be; that you expected?

If it appears that she won't stop communicating with him, you may have to make some difficult decisions. You may also want to bring up the possibility of marriage counseling if it appears this is more than the two of you can sort out.

tickle · Mar 29, 2012, 02:11 PM

I actually admire her for coming clean and telling you about the affair. Not many wives would do that. If she wants to move on with you, then give it a try. Forget the e mails, it is obviously upsetting to her, and you have known her for some time.

How can we know if it was a fly by night or anything else, she obviously regrets it, so it could not have meant much to her.

hgeorge648 · Mar 29, 2012, 02:14 PM

Thanks for your reply. My question is she seems EXTREMELY guilty to the point of crying in almost a convulsion. Does this reflect the magnitude of the affair? One would think if it were a quick fling the response would be a little more defensive.

DoulaLC · Mar 29, 2012, 02:24 PM

Since she is still communicating with him through e-mail, there is obviously still some sort of connection. Maybe she is finding it difficult to let go of him, maybe he has some information that could get her into trouble and she is scared that it will come out. Talk to her about the situation.

hgeorge648 · Mar 29, 2012, 02:28 PM

I did talk to her. She refuses to show them to me. She claims that they are only four emails and she explained that they were simple "how are you" type conversation. When I asked to show me since she has nothing to hide she refuses and starts crying. When I bluffed and threatened to request emails via the Freedom Information Act through the prison (a lie but she didn't know) she begged me not to. Something's not right..

DoulaLC · Mar 29, 2012, 02:44 PM

I don't think she has come as clean with as much as she could.

Perhaps the posts are good-bye email... but they still shared feelings for each other, maybe they still do share feelings for each other... but know it would be wrong to stay in contact, maybe he has shared information with her that could cause further trouble for him, or she had some sort of involvement, if even just knowledge, that put him there in the first place.

She doesn't want you to get mad at her, or she doesn't want to get into trouble, or risk him getting into more trouble. But I agree, something isn't right and until you feel satisfied that you have the information you need to move passed this, you will be left wondering.

talaniman · Mar 31, 2012, 03:47 PM

I am trying to put myself in your shoes and figure out what the way forward is. To start you better be calm and not get into the details as much as making sure it was over, NO MORE CONTACT, and we would see how this works to get the trust back. Sound reasonable?

Sure who wouldn't be pissed, shocked and very confused, so back off and get yourself under complete control. To me, it would be how she acted to get my trust back more than seeing the evidence, or worrying about what it meant. She cheated for two years, and it probably only ended it when he went to jail(?).

Or she would probably be still cheating. That would be my reasonable concern, and not some emails.

Honesty Time.

She does this my way, or get the hell out! I would want to know WHY!! But you probably will need a lot of time to process this, The bottom line is if you agree to move forward, she has to agree to talk to you. She is the only one to answer all your questions to YOUR satisfaction.

hgeorge648 · Mar 31, 2012, 04:21 PM

Thanks ! We are still not talking . What I am trying to figure out is whether she is telling the truth regarding it being just a two month fling three years ago . More than likely she is lying . She worked for him for five years . He is a known womanizer , she came home late many nights, she still in touch with him and refuses to show me the communications. I not looking for details of the past . I need to know how long it lasted and whether she has lingering feelings...