[linzie93]

I'm new to this type of thing, I don't normally ask questions on these sites, but I'm really confused about what I should do. I guess I'll start by introducing myself and my situation.

My name is Lindsay, I'm 19, and I'm due in just 2 weeks on April 9th. Getting pregnant was a big mistake that happened with a guy I barely knew. After we had sex, we never talked or hung out or anything, I never even really like him, so it was just some stupid thing that I did that I wish I could take back but can't.

Just a month after that, my really good friend of over a year asked me out, and I was really glad cause I liked him for a long time, I just never thought he liked me too. I found out I was pregnant 2 months later, and I thought he's leave me when I told him, because it obviously wasn't his baby since we hadn't had sex. He didn't though, and he's stayed with me all this time. He's been the best boyfriend I could ask for. Originally though, I said I was going to give the baby up for adoption, but now, I really love this baby and I think I want to keep him. My boyfriend says he doesn't want to stay with me if I do though, which I completely understand, but that just makes my decision harder! I know relationships come and go and that I shouldn't base my decision off that, but it's really hard.

Apart from that, I'm not sure if I'm ready to have the responsibility of taking care of a baby. I'm a full time college student, and I'm trying to get a four year degree. Sometimes I think it would be best for me and the baby to give him up, but every time I think about it, my heart breaks.

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do? I try talking to family and friends about it, but of course they all want me to keep him. I need some unbiased opinions.. I'm running out of time to decide :(

[talaniman]

I really do appreciate your dilemma, but strongly advise you never choose between keeping a child you have grown to love, and a guy who may, or may NOT be in your life for the long run. If he cannot accept the whole package of you AND your child, then he deserves NONE at all.

As to talking yourself into giving up your child to pursue your dreams and goals, I would hope that you just don't take the easy way out of this and give up your child, as even though the path is harder, and more difficult, many have achieved their goals, and kept their children too. You seem to have family and friends that can support you emotionally, while you pursue a career, and life, but its all about the best interest of the child.

I too think you should raise your child, AND pursue your dreams, with help from family, and child support from the father, and build a safe happy, loving environment for you, AND your baby.

Its tough now to know what's right to do, but as that child grows, you will be glad you made the decision to be a great mom, and successful person, despite all the hard work, and challenges you will face.

Above all don't rush this decision for the good of any one because its you that have to face the consequences of whatever decision you make. Like the boyfriend said, he can leave and do whatever he wants but my thinking is that if he is unwilling to be a good father for your child, then he isn't willing to be a father period!!

He should have no say what so ever in your decision, because its YOU that will suffer if the relationship doesn't work. My way of thinking says you never give up your child to keep a person in your life, and he already had a chance to make his own decision to be with you after he found out you were pregnant.

Maybe you think he is being fair, but I don't. New moms have the right to change their minds about keeping there child, and that decision MUST be respected.

[DoulaLC]

I agree with talaniman and your family and friends... keep your baby. Never should a man you are dating be given a higher priority than your child. Your boyfriend has been honest in his feelings, and has every right to feel as he does, but who knows whether he will be in your life next year, or even in three months. The child you have grown to love will be in your life forever.

You have a great advantage by having the support of your family and friends. Many single women have children and go through college. Many colleges and universities will have programs designed to help you fulfill your goals while raising your child. You may have the option as well of taking some of your classes online, which can be a tremendous help.

An example to consider:

One of my stepdaughters was in a similar situation... but she met a man when she was three months pregnant and they have been together for the last 9 years. This man loves and cares for her daughter as his own. He is the only father my granddaughter knows.

Your boyfriend may change his mind, he may not. If it comes down to it, give up the boyfriend. There are men out there who will love you and your child.

[Synnen]

GET COUNSELING.

I can NOT emphasize that enough.

If you are thinking of adoption for reasons BESIDES your boyfriend (because face it--he's a jerk if he decides to leave because you keep your child, and would you really want to stay with a guy like that anyway?), it does NOT mean that you don't love your child. I loved my baby with all of my heart and still knew it was better to place her for adoption than to raise her in an unstable environment.

There are counselors that specialize in adoption issues--see if you can find one in your area. Your doctor should have some referrals, or Planned Parenthood has referrals as well. You should not make this decision without counseling! No matter WHAT you choose, you are going to have regrets. No matter what you choose, your heart is going to break a little. You need PROFESSIONAL help to make sure you are making the right choice for yourself and for your baby.

NO ONE can tell you what the right choice is. You have to make that decision yourself. You HAVE to OWN that decision, because if you don't, you'll have even bigger problems.

Adoption isn't about whether you love your baby. I firmly believe that the women that choose adoption actually love their children MORE than the average parent, because they're choosing what's best for the child at the expense of their own heart breaking. That's not an easy thing for ANYONE to handle.

Please, please, please see a counselor and figure out what is best for YOU--not your boyfriend (who will probably leave you at some point anyway if he's willing to leave if you keep the child), not your family (THEY do not have to live with your choice forever--you do!), not your friends (you will truly find out who your friends are through this), and not society (and society seems to make birthmothers think they are getting off easy by choosing adoption instead of parenting, when the opposite is true).

I am a birthmother. I chose adoption. It was a VERY hard choice, and it went against the wishes of my family. I lost my boyfriend through it all, I lost a lot of friends, but in the end it was the right choice for me and for my child. YOU need to decide what the right choice for you is, and no matter what you choose, your heart will break over what you've lost. I personally think that parenting is the EASIER choice, but you have to decide for yourself what is right for you.

My thoughts are with you--this is the hardest choice you will ever make in your entire life.

[linzie93]

Thanks all for the advice! I think I've finally reached the point where if I do decide to give the baby up for adoption, it won't be because of my boyfriend.. But other things are making me wonder if that would be the best decision as well. Like the fact that I would be a single mom raising him and he wouldn't have a dad to look up to. Plus, my parents have said they would help me take care of him for a little while, but what about after I leave? Wouldn't it be better for him to be with a family with a more mature mom, a dad, and enough money? On the other hand though, I've heard about some adopted kids having abandonment issues because their mother gave them up so they don't feel wanted. I'm so confused.. Sometimes I feel like keeping him would be best for both of us, but other times I feel the opposite.

[linzie93]

GET COUNSELING.

I can NOT emphasize that enough.

If you are thinking of adoption for reasons BESIDES your boyfriend (because face it--he's a jerk if he decides to leave because you keep your child, and would you really want to stay with a guy like that anyway?), it does NOT mean that you don't love your child. I loved my baby with all of my heart and still knew it was better to place her for adoption than to raise her in an unstable environment.

There are counselors that specialize in adoption issues--see if you can find one in your area. Your doctor should have some referrals, or Planned Parenthood has referrals as well. You should not make this decision without counseling! No matter WHAT you choose, you are going to have regrets. No matter what you choose, your heart is going to break a little. You need PROFESSIONAL help to make sure you are making the right choice for yourself and for your baby.

NO ONE can tell you what the right choice is. You have to make that decision yourself. You HAVE to OWN that decision, because if you don't, you'll have even bigger problems.

Adoption isn't about whether or not you love your baby. I firmly believe that the women that choose adoption actually love their children MORE than the average parent, because they're choosing what's best for the child at the expense of their own heart breaking. That's not an easy thing for ANYONE to handle.

Please, please, please see a counselor and figure out what is best for YOU--not your boyfriend (who will probably leave you at some point anyway if he's willing to leave if you keep the child), not your family (THEY do not have to live with your choice forever--you do!), not your friends (you will truly find out who your friends are through this), and not society (and society seems to make birthmothers think they are getting off easy by choosing adoption instead of parenting, when the opposite is true).

I am a birthmother. I chose adoption. It was a VERY hard choice, and it went against the wishes of my family. I lost my boyfriend through it all, I lost a lot of friends, but in the end it was the right choice for me and for my child. YOU need to decide what the right choice for you is, and no matter what you choose, your heart will break over what you've lost. I personally think that parenting is the EASIER choice, but you have to decide for yourself what is right for you.

My thoughts are with you--this is the hardest choice you will ever make in your entire life.

Wow, sounds like a difficult thing to go through.. :( Did you have an open or a closed adoption? And do you still think about it and ever wish you hadn't chosen adoption?

[Synnen]

It IS a very difficult thing to go through. I'm also a new mom, and I'm so glad now that when I was a teenager I chose adoption. I struggle sometimes with how hard parenting is NOW, and I'm 37, married, with a home and a stable environment. Neither option is going to be a piece of cake.

I have an open adoption (my daughter is 19 now, and in college). We never did visits, though I know other adoption situations that have visits included in the adoption plan. My daughter never felt abandoned, because I sent letters and gifts to her (through her parents) and I made sure that I emphasized how much I love her in each of those letters, and how glad I am she has such a terrific family.

Adoption was the right choice for ME, and I knew it at the time. I would have been a HORRIBLE mother at 17, even with all of the support my family was willing to give me. I knew myself well enough to know that I would have resented her, and would have been impatient with the things she couldn't help--you know, like crying all night and not being able to tell me what was wrong. Heck, I went through that last night with my 5 month old son, and I STILL came through the whole thing drained and upset and wishing I could just sleep in today after being up until 5 AM---but it doesn't work like that. I'm a stay at home mom, and I still have things to do, and I still have to get up when the baby gets up, like it or not.

Did I ever wish I hadn't chosen adoption? Probably a hundred thousand times. Do I still think about it? Every single day. My situation was compounded by the fact that I had fertility issues when I did get to a place where I wanted to have children, and had to look seriously at adoption as an option to become a parent.

The hardest part about choosing adoption is that you have to GRIEVE through the process. In a lot of ways, it's as though your child dies so that someone else's child can be born. That sounds overly dramatic, but those are the kinds of emotions you have to work through. And society, that fickle witch, doesn't want to let you grieve. I mean, when you CHOOSE adoption, people seem to think you get what you deserve for emotions, since YOU are the one that brought it upon yourself.

This is why a counselor is CRUCIAL. I can tell you outright that I attempted suicide 4 times after the adoption. It wasn't until I found a counselor who supported me and understood my grief that I was able to move forward.

Please please--see a counselor. It will help you determine what the best choices for YOU and for your baby are. And every adoption story is different.

No one can tell you what's right for you. And no one SHOULD try to tell you what to do with this. Adoption was really really hard to live through from a birthmother point of view. And it never really ends--I'll be a birthmother forever to someone who doesn't, and shouldn't, call me "mom". People ignore you on Mother's Day. People forget the child's birthday. No one ever seems to want to talk about it with you. And DESPITE all of that, I knew it was the right option for me. FOR ME. It might not be for you.

I would NEVER try to talk someone into adoption. What a horrid thought! But I'd never try to talk someone OUT of adoption (and INTO parenting) when they knew what they needed to do as the best thing for their child.

Please--call a counselor today. You need someone unbiased, who can hear YOUR whole story, and help YOU decide what the right option for you is. Only YOU can make the decision in the end, and regardless what you choose, you're choosing something really really hard to do.

[Hleeleeg]

There are so many families looking to adopt. You coukd be a blessing to a couple and your baby. If you consider adoption don't feel like you are doing anything wrong. My brother and sis can't have children and have tried for 10 years. They would do anything to be given a chance to be parents. I had my children at age 17 and it was very difficult raising them. They are now 19 and 20 years old... tough road but so worh it. Either decision can be a blessing... only you know what the right thing will be... praying for you so much... please don't think adoption is wrong... just be sure if you give your baby to a family you make sure they are worthy of your child.. again adotion is a blessing for all involved.

[ScottGem]

On the other hand though, I've heard about some adopted kids having abandonment issues because their mother gave them up so they don't feel wanted.

Yes this can happen. But it's a rarity. A family that is willing to adopt usually does so out of a need to be parents. They usually make excellent parents and adoptive children know they are loved.

You can mitigate the possible feelings by giving the adoptive parents letters they can give to the child at an appropriate time. Letters that tell the child how hard this decision was for you and that you made the decision because you cared so much for the child that wanted the best for the child, a home and loving parents that you just felt you could not provide under the circumstances.

Now this is not a recommendation to go that route. Indeed you need to talk with a counselor who can help you sort out your feelings. But if the above is a reason for not giving the child up for adoption, there are answers to that reason.

[Synnen]

There are so many families looking to adopt. You coukd be a blessing to a couple and your baby. If you consider adoption dont feel like you are doing anything wrong. My brother and sis can't have children and have tried for 10 years. They would do anything to be given a chance to be parents. I had my children at age 17 and it was very difficult raising them. They are now 19 and 20 years old....tough road but so worh it. Either decision can be a blessing....only you know what the right thing will be....praying for you so much....please dont think adoption is wrong....just be sure if you give your baby to a family you make sure they are worthy of your child..again adotion is a blessing for all involved.

I have to apologize to you in advance, because I know you are trying to help---but this is one of those cases where society tries to be helpful and says the wrong thing.

Someone choosing adoption should NEVER do it for the adoptive parents. Yes, adoption is a good route for some people, but the choice should not be made because it will make adoptive parents happy. Their inability to have children should not influence someone's choice, any more than your family's inability to have children influenced whether YOU had children.

I didn't choose adoption because it would bless someone else with children. I chose it because it would bless my child with parents. HUGE difference.

Adoption is a blessing for adoptive parents, and it's usually a good thing for adopted children, but the LAST thing I would call it for birthparents is a "blessing". It's painful and difficult and it takes a lot of strength--it's not just handing over your baby and getting on with your life. It was the best thing for me and for my child, but it was NEVER a "blessing". It was, rather, a balm that the adoptive parents allowed me to be a part of my child's life, and it helped me to heal knowing my child was well loved and cared for, and acknowledging that I wouldn't have made a good parent gave me strength to carry on... but adoption is a difficult route for everyone involved, and ALL parts of the triad should get counseling regarding their roles and expectations.

[funnyfreefarm]

Hi Linzie.. I understand your difficulty in trying to make the best decision here. This is a life changing decision regardless of which path you choose. My husband and I have been looking to adopt for quite some time now. We are stable, secure, have so much love and opportunity to give to someone once we find someone. There are so many things that children need, and if you aren't able to provide them, and you feel that someone else could, then you aren't doing a bad or wrong thing, you are actually doing the best thing you could for your baby.

Depending on who and what type of adoption you chose if you went with that choice, it's not like you wouldn't be a part of your baby's life. Personally, when we are blessed enough to be able to adopt, I don't plan on keeping it a secret, I think the child should know that they weren't born from my womb, but in my heart. And that they have a birth mother who cared so much for them, she did whatever she had to do in order to help you and let you have the opportunities you deserve.

It's a tough decision to make, but only you can make it. My husband and I will be praying that you will have peace about whatever decision you choose to go with. <3

[JudyKayTee]

Hi Linzie.. I understand your difficulty in trying to make the best decision here. This is a life changing decision regardless of which path you choose. My husband and I have been looking to adopt for quite some time now. We are stable, secure, have so much love and opportunity to give to someone once we find someone. There are so many things that children need, and if you aren't able to provide them, and you feel that someone else could, then you aren't doing a bad or wrong thing, you are actually doing the best thing you could for your baby.

Depending on who and what type of adoption you chose if you went with that choice, it's not like you wouldn't be a part of your baby's life. Personally, when we are blessed enough to be able to adopt, I don't plan on keeping it a secret, I think the child should know that they weren't born from my womb, but in my heart. And that they have a birth mother who cared so much for them, she did whatever she had to do in order to help you and let you have the opportunities you deserve.

It's a tough decision to make, but only you can make it. My husband and I will be praying that you will have peace about whatever decision you choose to go with. <3

This is from March, 5 months ago. She has not been back, and we don't know what she chose to do.

Wise words, though - I just don't think she'll see them.