[BottledUpandAbouttoBlow]

I am a newlywed of about 4 months. My husband is older than me and we just relocated to Atlanta. When we were living back in NC our relationship was pretty typical but everything has changed since we moved here.

A few of the irritating things:
1. He watched porn on the internet until 3am, rarely comes to bed with me... and he does it on the regular.
2. He has online relationships with other women at websites like singleparentmeet.com; I have read most of his posts, most are harmless but others cross the line; when I confront him about them- he lies dead to my face.
3. He drinks scotch like it is water
4. He is unemployed and isn't looking very hard for a job- My father died last year and left me some life insurance $... he thinks it is his personal checking account.
5. When we go out he is overly flirtatious with other women... the drunker he gets the worse it gets; when I say something he tells me that he is just playing a game.

So here is the deal, he goes to culinary school; I co-signed the 40k loan. He isn't working; I pay for everything even his child support. I do the laundry, take out the trash, clean the house, iron, dishes, mop, sweep, check the mail, type his papers, drive his to and from school at 5:30a and 12p, pick up after the 2 dogs (which now he says are my problem), pick up after our roommate, pay all the bills... ontime, am having the yard landscaped and a fense installed, he has what he wants when he wants it... but blames me when even the littlest thing goes wrong.

I am controlling; and he hates it, but since I am the sole bread winner and the only one who can drive and the only one who does anything productive around the house- shouldn't I be?

When we fight he always uses the D word, brings up old girlfriends and tells me everything I am not. He gets mad at me when I am upset- he tells me that I am young and stupid and that I have no reason to be upset. My father killed himself a year ago 2/16; when I started crying on the 1 year date he told me that he wasn't going to be sympathetic- up and be tough and that he doesn't want me to cry ever again... he won't tolerate it.

I am just so frustrated; I do so much to keep our lives operating properly, but he blames me for everything that goes wrong... if something isn't right, it is my fault... even though I bust all day while he is at home asleep.

Example- This morning he woke up late- by 6am I had already walked and fed the dogs, ironed his pants and apron for school, made his coffee, taken out the trash, started up the car, and got his schoolwork together. I didn't hear him say that he also needed his chef jacket ironed so since I thought I had everything done I started chopping up the dogs treats for the day. When he came downstairs he asked about the jacket... I said I didn't hear him, he said he would take care of it... then he flew off the handle saying that I put the dogs ahead of him (b/c I was prepping their treats instead of ironing his jacket). I yelled back... mind you, I rarely stand up for myself because he is so hard headed he never sees anything from my perspective. So I went out to the car to wait for him. He then ran outside and said he wasn't going to go to school today... this of course is my fault. But the funny thing is, Sunday I offered to Iron ALL of his uniforms for the week; he declined my offer. Last night I asked him if he had everything ready for the morning and he said yes... so he got wasted and went to bed about 1am while I was cleaning up the mess he and my roommate made and taking care of the puppy until about 4am. He blamed me for all this and starting talking crap... I yelled at him and said that he didn't appreciate me; all I am is a convinience; a personal assistant, maid, chauffer and bank account. Which is exactly the way I feel. He then told me (while he was online with his internet women) that he should invite one of them over while I am at work and that when he gets a job he is going to move out. All this drama before 8am, and I have to be at work in an hour.

The sad thing is, when he is being normal, we get along great; he says that he loves me, that he is happier than he has ever been, that he is excited about our future, and all that other stuff. But more and more I feel like maybe he just says that stuff to keep me on retainer. He wasn't like this back home... I am starting to regret moving here; I am miserable and don't know what to do. When we are good we are great, but when we are bad it is so horrible. He tells me that I do stupid things around the house- we have 2 dogs, if I didn't clean up after them, no one would and we would be living in filth. He is just so damned mean and uncompassionate sometimes. He looks at everything I don't do instead of all that I do for him. I just feel like I am at the end of the rope. I feel like I am being taken advatage of- nothing I do is ever good enough.

Can anyone relate? Does anyone have any constructive thoughts (besides dumping his butt)? I want this to work, he is deep down a good person, but his behavior sucks. How do I keep this thing working without feeling completely unappreciated and used? And how do I make him see that what he says, does and doesn't do is affecting me greatly?

[misslady111]

Unemployed, Porn, Flirts with other women, possible alcoholic. That is who he is and he is not going to change until he gets ready to which may be never. I don't care how many chores you do or loans you take out, he may never appreciate you. I feel sorry for you because you deserve so much more. I would like to see how he treats you once the money is all gone. I hate to say it but he does not really love you. Sorry.

[Synnen]

Aside from dumping him (which would be my first thought---you deserve so much better, lady), my first thought is counseling. If he won't go with you, then go alone.

My second thought is: Drop your internet, cable, etc, and any extras (like booze) that only he enjoys. Let him know that HIS share of those bills hasn't been paid, and that until he can chip in, you need to remain on a budget. STICK TO THAT!

Make rules. Be controlling. As far as I'm concerned, you own everything you have, and he's leeching off you for all he can get.

My heart goes out to you... I hope you find happiness.