[Scratty]

I met my husband at 18 and we have been together ever since and have 2 kids. I won't say I've had an unhappy marriage but I've always had a sense on unfulfilment. Over the last year I have got attention from other men and have been talking to one in particular but always knew I would never leave to be with him. A month ago I met this new guy who had completely swept me off my feet I can't explain it... I've been thinking if ways to leave my husband and my future with this other guy am I crazy? I want to be happy but I'm so scared of hurting everyone in the process including the kids and I know my husband will be devastated. But I also don't want to stay and regret it just because I'm scared to make that decision. The thought of losing this new guy scares me to death too he truly has rocked my world. I am 35 by the way

[Kahani Punjab]

Scratty,

Welcome to this beautiful site!

Your problem is really really so so so piquent. It happens, when we are in the process of meeting a person, for the first time. All that glitters is not gold, and dear - grass always looks greener on the other side. It might be your hubby has the qualitites, but you do not know them. Moreover, sometimes, we values the things, which we do not have, and undermine/underscore those, which we own. Making a mess of your already-successful-marriage is something, which nobody will suggest. You can befriend that person, and can 'save' your marriage too, at the same time!

[Cat1864]

Stop interacting with this new male because it it is only causing you confusion. By staying contact with him you are putting yourself into a position where it would be very tempting to step over the boundary line of good behavior. How damaging to your self-respect would it be to cheat on your husband and go against your own set of moral values?

If there are issues in your marriage, sit down and talk about them with your husband. If need be try marriage counseling to develop better ways of communicating and learning about each other. It might help you both make a better informed decision about the future.

Do not leave your husband for another man. If you leave, do so because the marriage isn't working and cannot be fixed. Leave for yourself to make a better life for you on your own. If you leave for another man, then you aren't working through the issues that caused the problems in your marriage. You are only shifting the baggage from one place to another. Heal and deal with the past before moving forward into another relationship.

You have known the new man for one month. In reality what do you really know about him other than he isn't your husband and seems to be paying attention to you? Think about this, your major attraction for him may be you're married. While there are women who look for married men to play with, there are also men who look for married women. They make the women feel special and get what they want. But if the woman leaves her husband, the player disappears and moves on. Could he be one of 'those'?

[Scratty]

Thank you for your reply. I know what you are saying is right and I guess I just didn't want to believe it. I need to tell this guy I need some space but dreading it as he has already asked me if I'm playing games with him. He isn't a player I first met him 20 years ago and he is a brother to an old school friend. He himself has just left a 14 year relationship for similar issues that I am experiencing with my husband.

I do think talking to him isn't helping it is just making problem I have with my husband seem worse because he is telling me all the time that he would treat me so differently. And he is offering all the things that I feel I have been missinng.

I think that if he wasn't on the scene then I wouldn't be thinking about leaving but is he just showing me what I'm missing out on?

[aliseaodo]

He's 'showing you what you're missing out on'? How - by just telling these things to you? Have you thought of mentioning these things that you feel you are missing out on to your husband - you know, the person you're married to?

I'll tell you what, the very, very, very best thing my husband and I did was find a good marriage / family counselor. Both of us were unhappy, and not understanding what the other needed in the relationship, selfishness had taken over for both of us, and we were thinking only about what we wanted individually, forgetting that the other person needs things too... if you are unhappy with your present situation, why in the world would you not try counseling before you make a decision that you can't take back?

[Cat1864]

It may be showing you what you are missing. However, it doesn't mean he is the one you should work with to find the missing piece(s).

The friend (I'll use 'F' to identify him and 'H' for your husband) may not be a 'player', but I think he is confused about what he wants and how to get it. The confusion has him looking for someone who he sees as being in the same boat he is. However, he isn't in that boat anymore. He jumped out. I can guess that he sees you as a safety line. If he has you to cling to then he doesn't have to deal with letting go, healing and moving on because he can convince himself, he did and that he is 'rescuing' you. He can pretend to be a knight-in-shining armor instead of a man holding on to his baggage and going under. He needs to start swimming on his own.

You strike me as someone who is in a rut and you don't seem to know how you got there. Have you ever been able to talk to H about life in general? Do you share hopes and dreams? Do you plan for when the children leave home? Are you more roommates living separate lives or are you lovers and a couple working together? Do you need to work with each other to remember you are more that parents and to encourage the feelings of being lovers to grow stronger?

How old are your children? I know for myself that when my children got to the ages where they didn't need mom as much, it began to leave a hole. Hobbies and things I did that involved them or their needs weren't the main focus anymore. I had to shift my thoughts and actions to new interests that encouraged me to feel good about me. I have a great husband, but it wasn't fair to him to put the responsibility of my happiness on him. It wasn't his fault I was feeling lost, but I did talk to him about the feelings and welcomed his support and encouragement. Is that something you need?

If you open up to your husband do you think he will listen? Do you have any concerns about trying to communicate your feelings and needs to him?

[Scratty]

Thank you for your comments this is truly helping clear my head! Firstly my children are 16 and 12 do I guess yes they kind of don't need me anymore. I have recently, 3 weeks ago started a part time job as I felt the need to get some of me back.

Have I spoken to my husband about my/our issues no I haven't do I guess this is a first place to start. I am in a rut and probably bored. We don't share any time on our own, I can't remember the last time we went out together!

I guess I have been blaming him for myself being lost and at the end of the day it is me that has changed not him.

I now have the problem if telling this other guy that I need time and space to sort my marriage. It has been such an intense few weeks and him telling me he has fallen for me and felt the way he does about me for anyone before. I really don't want to hurt him but I suppose the longer this goes on the harder it's going to be for everyone. He said if I decide to stay here then he couldn't cope with being just friends!

[Fr_Chuck]

Name some issues, he is having them also, do a date night, go to marriage counseling, there are lots of things to do except start to get and go too far with other men.

Of course someone coming out of a bad relationship wants a quick booty call before he goes on to find someone else. You are leaving one relationship for another bad one.

Fix what you got, don't get another used one with its own problems.

[Cat1864]

Be honest with F and don't try to be friends. Both of you need to work on your lives and maybe someday in the future there will be a time for friendship. This just isn't it.

If it helps to know, you aren't alone. We will be here if you need or want more help. If you want ideas or even to talk through your thoughts, all you have to do is add on to this thread if it is about the relationship. We also have boards covering a very wide range interests if you would like to look around.

Sometimes helping out others, can help you get your own thoughts in order. It works for me. :)

Good luck.

[Scratty]

Thank you so much for your help and support and I'll be sure too read and see if I can be of help to anyone too this truly is a fantastic site!!

[Cat1864]

Welcome to AMHD and you are welcome. :)

[Kahani Punjab]

And, Scratty, I do not think you need to talk with your husband over this issue. If now your head is clear and you have no issue with your hubby, just relax. There is no need to worry or talk with anyone else. The chapter now is closed. I wish you happy matrimonial journey. Good luck!

[Scratty]

Everything came to a head this weekend I ended up breaking down and telling husband about other man. I have never seen anyone so broken he asked if I wanted to be with them and I had to be honest. We talked till early hours of morning and I said I would stay, I spent the next day convincing him that I was staying and we'd sort everything out but I don't know if I was trying to convince myself. I woke the next morning with a sinking feeling then the talking started again and hubby sobbed like a baby again I agreed to stay. Ended things with friend yesterday but can't get him out of my head and it hurts so much he said I'm not to contact him again and I need to get him out of my head for my marriage to work. I know deep down I've done the right thing but it just hurts so much right now. Hubby and I have a lot if issues to deal with, he said he has been depressed hence the reason he has been behaving how he has, he lost his job at Christmas and even though he is now working his earnings are a lot less and he said he thought he brought money in to buy me nice things that would make me happy, got it completely wrong.

I'm so scared that this hurt won't go away and that I won't be able to fall back in love with him and in the meantime lost someone who rocked my world.

Please say this will get easier

[Cat1864]

Please say this will get easier

It will but it will take time and a lot of work.

Try marriage counseling. It will give you the tools to be able to learn to communicate with each other. Also by having a neutral party guide the discussions you can find out where the misconceptions are and what each other really wants.

Let the thoughts of F go. He is a fantasy of what you think you want. Put energy into making your life with H into a real-life fantasy. Talk to him about things you can do together to build a connection between you. Start having 'date nights' where you focus on being together and not the hundred other things going on. Is there anything you used to do that stopped because children and work got in the way?

Try to look for the positives in your relationship. Look for the small things that make you feel happy to be with your husband. Turn negatives into positives. He thinks you want material things. Show him what you really want. If it is passion and affection, show him by giving it to him. Send him a text or card saying 'I love you,' because that is what you feel. Give him a caress or kiss on the cheek because you want to feel his skin. Put on some slow music and ask him to dance. As you show him, allow yourself to nurture those feelings inside of you. Find your inner passion and affection. Give yourself some attention instead of looking for it in an old friend.

I don't think you are in love with F. I think you are in love with what he shows and gives you. I think if you put the energy and attention into finding the love, passion and affection inside yourself and with your husband that your feelings for F will become a distant memory.

Reality may not be as pretty as fantasy, but it can be a lot more satisfying. You know the adage about the grass being greener on the other side of the fence? Put time and effort into your own yard and others will be looking at your grass thinking it is is greener than their own.

[Scratty]

Thank you yet again for your support. A lot of things you have said I myself have said to H the kiss on the cheek, the hug the odd text just to say I love you! You are right about F I don't think it is him as a person I have feelings for it's the way he made me feel, offering all the things that I wa missing out of my relationship with H. Maybe he was just meant to come into my life to make me see and teach me. After all H and I have been together 18 years which in this day and age is an achievement in itself and have overcome many obstacles thrown at us. Maybe things had to get this bad for them to get better and for us to have a loving fulfilled future together!!

At the end of the day H gave me several opportunities over the weekend to go be with F and I couldn't do it. Maybe I never really did it was just a cry for help! I hate that I have hurt H how I have but at the end of the day it took us both to get to the point that I would even allow anyone else into my life!

[Cat1864]

... but at the end of the day it took us both to get to the point that I would even allow anyone else into my life!

And it will take both of you to get back on track. Don't hold on to the guilt. You both made mistakes. You are both learning. Expect some set-backs. Acknowledge them, find a fix and move forward.

I'll say that I think you have both lost the playful aspect of marriage. Easy to do. When was the last time you had a good laugh together that had the kids wondering if you were sane?

Don't just tell H what you want. Show him. Send him the text without expecting a response. Kiss him on the cheek or neck and go on about your business. It isn't only for him. It is for you too.

[Scratty]

I honestly can't remember the last time we did that just be stupid, not together anyway. I guess that there's a lot of things over the years that we've let slip

[Cat1864]

What would happen if you started a water gun or pillow fight? Or if you got the kids out of the house for a night and sent your husband on a 'treasure hunt'? The 'treasure' can be anything from you to something he wouldn't expect like his favorite movie and snacks. Or you light up the house with glow sticks?

What would tap into your sense of humor and fun that might infect his?

Things might seem dark right now, but they don't have to be.

[Scratty]

Thank you cat I'm really starting to feel more optimistic. Your ability to help truly is a gift x

[Cat1864]

Thank you for your kind words.

I am glad you are starting to feel more optimistic. Encourage the positive feeling. It will help.

Good luck.