[38yearsold]

Friends at work, does it end there? Is it normal,natural,acceptable to be best buds while working side by side, yet once a persons departure, is it OK or acceptable for them to suddenly get cold and distant, all those regular associations of friendship
And support dismissed? Am I so naïve that, basic butt kissing is not a terrible unethical,subhuman way of getting ahead,but an accepted, universally standard method of securing support? Should I accept this shameful behavior? How cold should I get to not trust anyone who comes across as friends at work?

[JoeCanada76]

Friends at work. In my own personal experience there is not such thing.

If you try to be friends with people you work with it will eventually bite you back in the butt.

[RubyPitbull]

Sorry, for not finding this sooner. 38yo, you have posed some interesting questions. The way you laid them out is a bit confusing for me and not knowing the story behind those questions, it is a bit difficult to answer them individually but I will try.

friends at work, does it end there? Is it normal,natural,acceptable to be best buds while working side by side, yet once a persons departure, is it ok or acceptable for them to suddenly get cold and distant, all those regular associations of friendship and support dismissed?

The majority of the time, these close friendships do end when the job ends. Yes, it is normal behavior, and those things that tied you together at work will be dismissed. I will elaborate toward the end of my post.

Am I so naive that, basic butt kissing is not a terrible unethical,subhuman way of getting ahead,but an accepted, universally standard method of securing support?

You are not naïve. You are right in that it is a universally standardized method used by people. Unfortunately, using that method does not lead to lasting friendships because the individual doing this is not fully being themselves. This is a work tool used to get ahead in your job. It is not a tool that you can carry with you outside of work and into a friendship. Again, I will elaborate further at the end of my post.

should I accept this shameful behavior?

That is a very difficult question. Only you can answer that. Are you comfortable accepting this kind of behavior? If not, then whether you should or should not accept it is not really the question. If you are not comfortable with it, you won't be able to accept it. Your acceptance of this behavior will show in your normal human reaction to it.

how cold should I get to not trust anyone who comes across as friends at work?

Again, another difficult question because you are the only person who can gauge this. Is it in your normal nature to be a warm person? Then you really can't change that part of your personality without making a conscious major overhaul to your basic nature. A very, very difficult thing for any of us to achieve.

Okay, here is the elaboration I was speaking of:
Friendships at work are a very tricky thing. I have a few friendships in my life that began as work relationships. The problem is finding someone who is of a like mind. Meaning your views, morals, ideas, interests are the same and once either of you leaves the job, you have enough in common that both your jobs have become secondary to those other things. It is the only way a true friendship can survive and leaving your job is the ultimate way you test the strength of that friendship.

A true friendship is not an easy thing to find in the workplace. I can tell you from a long and vast work history, I have three friendships that I have picked up through work, actively maintained those friendships, and I consider them to be close personal friends. Do they feel the same way as I do? I believe so because they still speak and get together with me on a regular basis.

You will find, as I have, that some of those friendships that you thought were solid just kind of fade away over time. It is a direct result of not having anything in common outside of the job.

People who make a choice to "kiss butt" are those people who want to succeed and move up in their jobs. Choosing to do this usually ensures that is exactly what happens. But, when you choose to do this, it is apparent to all those around you that personal gain, not friendship, is the motivating factor. Those people who I know that did do that, never, ever, created lasting lifetime friendships.

I hope this has helped make your situation a bit clearer to you.

[shygrneyzs]

"Friends" at work have a way of working against you when you really need them the most. It is one thing to get along with co-workers, but I would not expect to establish a friendship. Because when the tide turns, they will stand for themselves. Am I speaking from experience? You betcha. I have seen it happen to people above me and it has happened to me.

I do not agree with the butt-kissing either. I think it is deplorable. But you see it every day and the ones that do it get a raise or promotion or some perk. I do believe though that what goes around, comes around, even though I may not be there to see it.

I also do not think it is necessary for the office "friendship" to turn cold once outside the work place. A person can maintain a sense of distance and yet not be impersonal or cold. That seems rude to me - to completely shut someone off. No matter where you live, you are likely to run into someone you work with. Plain etiquette demands politeness. Does not mean you are inviting them over for a barbecue.

In one of my former jobs I was told that, in the public, I was not to acknowledge my clients. Okay, I thought. Easy. So one day I am at a rummage sale and there are two of my clients. They both come over and say hi and show me some clothes they bought. You would think, what is the harm in that? I greeted them and said, "nice to see you, hope you have fun rummage saleing". That was it. That Monday I got called and told I was breaking a confidentiality, because I greeted those two people. My argument was that no one but those two people and myself knew they were clients. It was not like any of us shouted it out or dug out a banner and waved it. It was pretty stupid overall. My supervisor backed off but told me I should not go to rummage sales anymore if I think I will run into any more clients. Where is the sense in that logic?

People can have very thin skin when it comes to office politics and diplomacy. They see everything as a transgression or offense. Or else they go overboard the other way.

It could be that your co-workers have learned from experience that bonding too closely or tightly with co-workers just does not make for a good work environment. Judgement can be affected by personal feelings.

The best advice is to stick with your job, pay attention to your own duties, do the best you can, and if it get really unbearable, you can always talk to your supervisor. Asking for help in dealing with appropriate office relationships.

Wishing you the best.

[Illusion]

Be polite, friendly but always maintain a distance. I have seen too many good people go down because they trusted and became "friends" with someone at work. Then the whole office knows about your life. It could ruin your chances of getting ahead. And your reputation is shot. What you have at work are business associates. Find your friends outside of the work place.

And butt-kissing? Be honest and work hard. Don't depend on butt-kissing to get ahead of the game even if you see other people doing it.

[lacuran8626]

Friendships at work that end when one person departs normally has more to do with the reason they departed than with the friendship. I don't know the circumstancs of your friend's departure, but if it was ugly in any way, he or she likely just wants to move forward. If your friendship was outside of the office as well as at work, give him/her a call and see if they'd like to meet up. The question is whether you have anything in common other than the job because that's what they want to leave in the past - that would be my best guess.

[Emland]

I work for a small business (35 employees) and we are friends outside of work. Several of us have kids or grandkids the same age and we have Xmas parties, Easter egg hunts and birthday parties all the time. We have no kid allowed parties at the karaoke bar and our local comedy club. We work in a 24/7 environment and that makes us a tight group, I think.

My best friend was once a co-worker and now lives 2 states away. We have other former employees that have been gone for years that still keep up with us via our company website and are still considered "honorary" employees. Other people come and go and I don't even remember their name.

Butt kissing - brown nosing - sunshine blowing? A lot of people do it. Some are better at doing it without drawing notice than others. One of my husband's favorite sayings is "I don't mind if YOU kiss azz, as long as you don't use MY lips!"

[38yearsold]

friends at work, does it end there? Is it normal,natural,acceptable to be best buds while working side by side, yet once a persons departure, is it ok or acceptable for them to suddenly get cold and distant, all those regular associations of friendship
and support dismissed? Am I so naive that, basic butt kissing is not a terrible unethical,subhuman way of getting ahead,but an accepted, universally standard method of securing support? should I accept this shameful behavior? how cold should I get to not trust anyone who comes across as friends at work?

In response to everyone's respectful and intelligent query about the unspoken, underlying circumstances regarding the sudden departure of my "best bud" at work... I am a male and she is a female, and during our gradual getting to know, appreciate and ultimately agree and understand each other, there was a very strong physical,mental and [I thought, hoped] spiritual connection. Suffice to say, she is newly married at a very young age [23!], Being 38 years 0ld[er]I've had 14 plus years to get over/learn from my life experiences, therefore I was more easygoing and more understanding about her current frustrations regarding the ultimate expectations/frustrations of lifelong communion with the ultimate soulmate"It's not what it's cracked up to be" Now, nothing was ever expressed regarding this struggle, it was seriously implied through her contempt towards him and her appreciation of me. So during our time together at work, she would go out of her way to spend time with me .This would include her to literally go out of her way to connect [she drove a delivery van and would see me ride my mountain bike to work in the opposite way to work and you turn around, pick me up and take us first to her work related destination and then take me to where I needed to be. That action alone confirmed her interest in me. Our conversations also confirmed our mutual interest in each others ideals. Ulitmately I started to have uncertainty and subtle paranoia towards her original [or true] intentions. She wasn't well received at work due to her brash and impatient manner of accepting and dealing with things that immediately didn't correspond with her overall perspective of what should be.I seemed to be the only person who could brush past her intense ,current,brief perspective[sensing that gruff exterior was simply a cover[safety blanket] to her very true soft nature ]Was she just securing work related support with me?Now that's she's not regular and currently involved with the company, has it simply fizzled and deflated thanks to irregular contact? Is she just as sad and frustrated as I am because our venue of association is non existent?[work?] Plus... the bigger worry,[threat] is the concern that, respectably there is a husband who publicly confirmed his life long commitment to her and his and her surrounding family. Obviously marriage is serious and I respect it very much, yet when a person influences her intention towards me so strongly and me being a "guy" who has had such a hard time naturally connecting with the rare few that I actually FEEL FOR. Truly connects in a heartfelt manner, should I dismiss this experience?Regardless of all the suspicion. The was there, is there a major, connection that even a sucker like me can't ignore the obvious essence? After all, so many movies, books and current marriages are shaken up due to changing ,new circumstances. [being at the alter ,when the final question arises.. those who appose this union , speak up now or forever hold your peace. ]All and every response is appreciated, yet please be sensitive and careful because this a very delicate issue for me and I am putting my heart on the line.

[Emland]

I'm crying foul here.

Your first post gave the impression that you had a friend that no longer wanted to associate with you because they left the company and seemed dismayed that your friendship had ended.

Your last post indicates that this was no friend, but a young, married coworker that was giving you mixed messages of a romantic nature.

If she is no longer with the company and not seeking you out, I think you can say that she is one of those "out of sight, out of mind" kind of people and your feelings may have gone deeper than hers. It might explain why she said she was having marriage difficulties, too.

[lacuran8626]

Sorry but I agree with Emland. You should be a little more honest with yourself, and in getting advice. You should not contact her. You are too old for her and she's married, and she has sent you a clear message.

Seek out someone more mature, and who isn't playing around on her fiance/husband emotionally, physically or otherwise.

I'm sure your feelings were really caught up and that this is painful for you but hanging onto the situation will just hurt more. Rip the bandaid off quickly and be done with her.

[38yearsold]

Thank you. I sensed this answer was coming from the most recent replies, the moment I posted it I feared the obvious. I guess I still prefer illusion over despair:( Truth hurts, yet it heals faster than delusional fantasy. Thanks again for your directness.