[jerrycc]

Why do women use sex as a weapon after they get married?

[Cat1864]

Are you wanting advice for your situation or are you wanting a discussion?

Your question has many answers including most women don't. In many cases that appear to be a woman (or man) using sex as a 'weapon' it turns out to be a lack of communication between the two people.

Open communication and actually listening to what each other is saying goes a long way in keeping anything from being used a 'weapon' in a relationship.

[Beardedsumo]

Bitter much?

[samdarwen]

That is what women good at… like we men do other things to use against them… it is sad but it is the truth and it do not means it is okay to do but it is what happen…
Have you tried to talk to her about it? Usually talking about things that bothers you both makes life easier. I been married and I can tell you it worked for me, maybe you want to try it and see if it works; also do not forget that usually men carry half the problem even when we do not like to admit it.
I myself was not good in bed because my sexual experiences was not that great however; time and reading taught me things about myself and about what women wants from a man including the feel or security and love. You cannot just demand sex whenever you want to; you must get her in the mood and not always seeking your sexual needs. Do some love tricks like writing on a small paper some sexual things you want to do to her and, get the paper to small size that fits inside her bras and ask her to keep it there the whole day on one condition; she do not open it until you both are together in the evening as a token of love. Now; that will get her to think about it the whole day knowing that she will open it the first minute she can and even if she was not in the mood still; that will force her to think about what could you do to her that night, making her focus on that the whole day until you back.
Usually women like to be satisfied too; but most of them do not even have orgasm but rather fake one to satisfy her partner; so what I would advise you to do is to work on your bed skills and know what she likes the most and what turns her on. 4-play is what most women like and you need to be careful about when you have your orgasm not to stop there. Hold her, kiss her and tell her how beautiful she is, how much you love her. It is then when she will know that you actually love her and not just her body. Kind words, passionate words usually give great affects….
By the way; I did not say you do not know or do that anyway; I am telling you what worked with me
Wish you the best

Sam

[Synnen]

Your question is reminiscent of a woman asking why a man only wants sex, beer, sports and dinner on the table after marriage, and doesn't bother with romancing his wife or helping around the house. Or a guy that doesn't help with the kids or has no sympathy for "that time of the month" as long as he gets his sex.

Seriously, dude--your problem isn't that she's using sex as a weapon (and I doubt she is). It's that you're not communicating as a couple.

PS--for most women, sex is 99% mental. If she's ticked at you, or tired, or annoyed, OF COURSE sex isn't going to happen. It's like asking you if you want sex right after kicking you in the balls with the stiletto side of a high heel. Seriously--sex for women starts about 2 days before penis enters vagina, and involves a lot of MENTAL foreplay. If you're not getting into her head, you sure as hell aren't going to get into her pants.

[samdarwen]

Your question is reminiscent of a woman asking why a man only wants sex, beer, sports and dinner on the table after marriage, and doesn't bother with romancing his wife or helping around the house. Or a guy that doesn't help with the kids or has no sympathy for "that time of the month" as long as he gets his sex.

Seriously, dude--your problem isn't that she's using sex as a weapon (and I doubt she is). It's that you're not communicating as a couple.

PS--for most women, sex is 99% mental. If she's ticked at you, or tired, or annoyed, OF COURSE sex isn't going to happen. It's like asking you if you want sex right after kicking you in the balls with the stiletto side of a high heel. Seriously--sex for women starts about 2 days before penis enters vagina, and involves a lot of MENTAL foreplay. If you're not getting into her head, you sure as hell aren't going to get into her pants.

Funny but mostly true

[smoothy]

The good wives don't do that. And by "THAT" I mean making an issue out of everything and threatening no sex if she doesn't get her way.

Now what Synnen said is also very true... if this is a once in a while thing... suck it up. If you won't take the time with her you took BEFORE you got married... then no surprise she doesn't get all gung ho about it... they don't warm up at the snap of the fingers... Its like getting a campfire going on a damp morning and all you have is a book of matches. If you want a fire its going to take some finesse.

[samdarwen]

Really?
What about good men then?

Why is it we men think it is always what we want; what we expect from our wives?
Women are women but I will tell you something to clear my conscious; I was married twice and twice I was divorced and both times because I thought I was right when I was wrong…
Women are taken advantage of in this country; because we expect a lot from them, we want them to be; whom we want them to be not themselves… Sad that lots of women do that when that helps some men to do very bad things to their wives… Not a bad woman that refused sex when she do not want it... Did you know that some women do it only to satisfy her man even when she feels pain, tiredness, sickness?
Did you know that more than 80% of men in the United States abused their wives physically and physiological means. More than 60% of women in the US been beaten by a man; and more than 70% of those were beaten over sex and men’s demands.
If a woman said no! It is because something wrong in the relationship, not because she is a bad wife… She says no because something missing and by the way; more than 80% of divorces are because of sex and more than 90% of affairs and cheating are because sex where usually one of the two partners is not doing what they should be doing, not listening and hold the other one responsible for their own mistakes
I am sorry if you find this insulting; I only mean to explain other point views

Sam

[smoothy]

There is no shortage of men that are and have been taken advantage of, or abused too... there is no monopoly on that by either sex.

[Alty]

Most women don't use sex as a weapon. Those that do, well, why are you married to her? She's not the type of person I'd have a relationship with.

The fact is, sex is something both parties have to want in order for it to happen. Just because the man is in the mood, doesn't mean the woman should just lay down, spread her legs, and make him happy. She has the right to say no, as does he.

Synnen is dead on accurate with her post. I wish I could rep her 100 times. If you want to get into her pants, you have to get into her head. If all you do is demand sex, without any thought to what your wife is feeling, without helping around the house, with the kids, etc. etc. then you're not going to be satisfied sexually by her.

One thing to keep in mind, and this is true for most women, myself included. Women nowadays have a lot more on their plate than they did even 30 years ago. We work, we raise our kids, we clean our homes, cook the meals, and much more. For the man that thinks that his only responsibility is going to work, providing for his family, well, he's missing the big picture.

I work full time at a job I'm paid for, just like my husband. But my job doesn't end there. I drive the kids to school, pick them up. I'm the one that corresponds with their teachers, helps them with homework, makes sure they bathe. I wash all the clothes, cook the meals, clean the house, take the kids to doctors appointments, do all the shopping, and take care of all the pets. My husband is a wonderful man, and I love him to death, but seriously, when I've been slaving away all day, and all he did was work an 8 hour shift, without even having the decency to put his dirty socks in the laundry hamper, he can forget about sex. I'm just too tired and frankly, fed up, to put out for someone that has none of the responsibilities I have, even though we're supposed to be in this together.

You want to have sex? Clean the house! Cook a meal once in a while! Do some laundry! Mow the lawn. Take one of the jobs she has off her hands. As is, most women that work outside the home, and have children, are just too darn tired and frustrated for sex.

[Synnen]

I'm a SAHM, and I STILL need my husband to do his fair share of stuff around the house. Raising kids is EXHAUSTING! It's a full time job all by itself. And if I'm the one getting up in the middle of the night and up half the night with the child, still get his lunch done, stay up during the day because sometimes you can only get things done when they baby is sleeping, make dinner, do dishes, get the laundry done, do the shopping, and feed the baby every 3 hours--there's not enough time in the day! And if my husband came home, ate dinner, and sat his butt in front of the TV or computer and didn't help me out, well... he'd never get sex again. I'd be too exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically.

My husband is a smart man. He comes home and gives me time to myself to take a shower or read a magazine or just sit in the sun with a cup of coffee and nothing to worry about. Unlike a normal job, I don't get BREAKS with a baby. So... he gives me one when he gets home. Then he does dishes after dinner while I feed the baby so that we have some time together before bedtime routines start. On nice days we take a walk as a family and share our days with each other.

He also makes sure I get OTHER time to myself too--I just got done taking a nice long, hot, bath with a novel and a glass of wine (before those that know me yell, it was just ONE glass! The doctor said it was okay!). I got to get out and actually dry off before going back to my "job" of getting the baby ready for bed--his bath, feeding, rocking, all that stuff that somehow takes 2 hours to accomplish.

Guess what? My hubby will probably get lucky tonight. But he wasn't going to until he gave me the gift of time, because I haven't really had time all week to relax into being a woman and not just a mom--and it really is switching gears to turn off "mom" and turn on "sexy woman in lingerie waiting in bed". If he hadn't let me find the woman, the exhausted mom would have just said "forget it! I'm tired, and I'm going to bed--to SLEEP!"

So... ask yourself if you've made it easy for her to feel sexy. Because if you haven't---she's not going to feel sexy and not feeling sexy means not interested in sex. Or if she feels like she has to TRADE sex for help around the house---there's nothing that's more humiliating and shaming and painful than having the man that supposedly loves you turning you into his own private prostitute that he pays for with chores that he should be helping with anyway.

[Alty]

Synn, one million greenies to you! I couldn't agree more.

Sadly, my husband doesn't understand that switching me from mom mode to sexy seductress mode is as easy as helping out.

Probably shouldn't be posting this in this thread, but we've been having issues. I haven't been feeling sexy for some time now. I work full time, take care of the house, the kids, the animals, and everything else. He works split shift. Two weeks days, two weeks nights. When he's on days he goes to work at 7am, comes home at 4:30pm, takes a nap because he's a night person and stays up until 5am, which means that getting up at 7am is hard. He wakes up for dinner (which I make), then watches TV until 5am when he goes to bed. When he's on nights he starts work at 4pm, works until 12:30am. He goes to bed at 5am, sleeps until 3pm, goes to work, works, comes home to a house full of sleeping wife and kids, and watches TV until 5am.

I work full time, just like he does. But I'd kill to have his job. I hate to say it, because I really love this man, and I know he loves me, but, if I asked him tomorrow what grade his son was in, or what the name of his daughters teacher is, I would bet money he couldn't tell me. Why? Because I take care of everything!

The dishwasher has been broken for over 2 weeks. I go to work, he's on nights right now, come home, hoping that he's fixed the dishwasher during the day, only to find out that all he did was sleep. So I get to come home and wash dishes after working all day. That's all before I get to help the kids with homework, make dinner, wash clothes, etc. etc. after working all day. So right now, sex is the last thing on my mind. In fact, the last time he asked I very eloquently told him exactly what why he's not getting it, and what he could do with his penis. Ya, anger has set in, but he doesn't understand why, even though I've told him exactly what I've posted here. I'm just plain exhausted and frustrated. I don't feel like making him happy when he can't be bothered to make me happy.

I guess if anyone uses sex as a weapon, it's me. My motivation? A dishwasher that works so that my job is just a tiny bit (a very tiny bit) easier than it is right now. Until the dishwasher is fixed (which my husband has told me is an hour job, but yet, it's still not done even though he has more than enough time to do it), I'm not giving in.

So really, if the OP's woman is in the same boat I'm in, then I say aim and fire that weapon! I hope it works out better for her than it has for me. :(

[talaniman]

Dude, if your minds are not in sync, what makes you think your bodies will be? Lust only gets you so far. The rest you have to work at.

Talaniman Rule - Make love to the mind, and the body will follow!

I respectfully submit you are not paying close enough attention to your female, and have a one track mind! You seem to have neglected other parts of the marriage/relationship that will allow you to use her body, and she will love it.

If sex is a weapon, for sure YOU are doing something very wrong, and better change it fast.

[JudyKayTee]

... Or if she feels like she has to TRADE sex for help around the house---there's nothing that's more humiliating and shaming and painful than having the man that supposedly loves you turning you into his own private prostitute that he pays for with chores that he should be helping with anyway.

Absolutely -

The other side of this is I wouldn't want to be the handyman, paid with sex, either.

I don't know how that line is drawn -

[NeedKarma]

Most women don't use sex as a weapon. Those that do, well, why are you married to her? She's not the type of person I'd have a relationship with.

Because they women aren't like that during the dating phase. Some will play the sex kitten role during the courtship phase when it really isn't who they are.

Guess what? My hubby will probably get lucky tonight. But he wasn't going to until he gave me the gift of time,

I guess the women here don't see the control factor inherent in that statement.

[Cat1864]

I guess the women here don't see the control factor inherent in that statement.

What 'control'?

If she is tired and stressed, she isn't going to want sex. By a husband helping instead of demanding 'his rights' (yes, there are some people who still think of sex in those terms), she is less stressed and less tired and sex seems less like another chore.

It's like giving the person who works time to relax after he/she gets before making any overtures.

Many people don't realize how stressing it is to be a stay-at-home parent or the primary care-giver and housekeeper. It is a job that doesn't have a 'quitting time'. It doesn't have mandatory breaks or even days off.

Being stressed and getting no help can turn any 'sex kitten' into a 'nun'.

Of course there are also men who are very attentive during the dating phase and all about being helpful, but once the marriage vows are said go from 'partner' to 'boss'. Is that any better?

[J_9]

Please don't feed the troll if you wish to keep this thread open.

[jerrycc]

How can I tell if my wife is cheating on me?

We have a cabin 35 miles away in the mountains. I walked in on her in tight shorts and a good looking guy who was supposedly just there to work was in the shower. She said he was going to just stay there to do the work. They had been drinking wine. Is she cheating on me? When I asked what was going on she said she would divorce me and take everything I have if I thought that. It looked bad to me, especially since she has only done me once this year.

Why does my wife accuse me of being gay when all I want is her?

What happened is before we dated I got on a website trying to meet female sex partners but I quickly found out the women were fake. All I got was responses from gay men. I was mad that I had been ripped off so I started blogging back with the men and teasing them about my size etc.out of pure disgust and boredom. I forgot about the site and she got on it after we were married and really believes I was doing these F^gs. HELP!! She has threatened to divorce me over it every day for 7 yrs. Now and will hardly ever give me sex. I had to go to the DR. for blueballs.

[afaroo]

What else do you need to know, tight shorts, taking a shower, drinking wine, and devorcing you, there is nothing else left, good luck.

John

[Fr_Chuck]

She either will accept it, or not, get counseling, and see if it will work, it may be time for divorce, and move on.