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armydan69 · Mar 11, 2012, 05:09 AM

The situation is, they are both 20 years old, my friends name is Sam. He met this girl on an online video game called Runescape. They were "dating" on the game and it seemed harmless. A couple of months later he joins the army. He gets deployed for 3 months comes back to the states and has 30 days of leave. Instead of coming home and seeing his friends and family he goes to meet this woman who also is 20, for the first time. He spends 20 days with her. Gets engaged to her. Then comes home for 10 days, but wait she gets flown in after 3 days and is now there for the last week that he is home all the way up until he goes back to his base. Now a little bit about her, she's 20 with a one yr old baby girl with no baby daddy because he ran off to Texas. She's always on a computer, definitely not a looker, seems very immature, needy, and obsessive.

Now a little about me real quick (you'll understand why in a minute) I am 20yrs old happily married for a almost 1.5yrs been together for 3 and really good friends for about 8, me and my wife have an 8 month old son. I have a decent job with lots of promise and she's a stay at home mom.

The reason I tell you this is because all our lives Sam has always followed in my footsteps always wanting to so what I do and be like me in almost everything I've done and I feel like he sees my life and how happy we are and that's what he wants. There's nothing wrong with that but you don't settle with the first thing that shows you attention.

Some other facts you need to know, he was a virgin going into the army and when he initially started talking to this girl he made himself out to be the coolest strongest toughest player around, basically said anything to make himself look better. So he has sex with about five girls when he gets out of training, all while he's "with her" and then calls me every time to brag like like he does with everything, as if he wants my approval and praise. He says he loves her and she says the same but I feel like they love the thought of each other, they both have issues that's for sure, and it seems like they are clinging to whatever they can. Idk I feel like I'm missing a bunch but I'm done typing right now. Oh also they are getting married in like 6 months and they won't see each other from now until then so the only time they ever seen each other till marriage is when he was on leave. So any comments questions anything just let me know

JudyKayTee · Mar 11, 2012, 05:26 AM

First, I don't know why you are so involved in his life. Best friend or not, it's his life.

You basically can't make anybody do anything - that includes marrying, not marrying, seeing this woman, not seeing this woman, anything in between.

Maybe he's decided that after all he doesn't want to be just like you. Maybe he doesn't want to be 20 with an 8 month old child.

I don't understand your attitude toward your friend - you seem to be very critical of him. I don't see that you've posted one good word about him. Same with her - there are (unfortunately) lots of unwed mothers and maybe he doesn't care that she's not a looker - in your eyes.

Take a stand against this woman and you'll probably lose your friend. I don't know if you care.

armydan69 · Mar 11, 2012, 05:43 AM

I'm so involved in his life because he's practically family, neither of us really had parents or much if anyone else it was only us. I've always done my best ti look out for him, and what do you mean he doesn't want to be like me with a child? He wants to adopt this kid she has, he's seen the kid for a total of maybe 20 days and he's ready to be her father? He's a great got I didn't mean to be so harsh and put down on him but I'm really frustrated. I know this is his life but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't at least try to save him from something I think will ruin his life. That's like if he was about to drive drink and I could take his keys but I don't then he crashes and dies. I would feel horrible, basically best way I can put it

JudyKayTee · Mar 11, 2012, 05:57 AM

Stopping someone from drinking and driving is one thing. Stopping him from marrying a woman you think is wrong for him is another.

You said he wants to be just like you. I said that apparently he doesn't. What you think is best for him is not necessarily what he thinks is best for him.

I think friends express an opinion, listen to the friend's side of things and then life goes on. I have friends who certainly have made decisions I didn't like (and the other way around) and I still supported them.

Maybe she's playing him. Maybe he's playing her. Maybe they're using each other. You tell him what you think and then you support where he goes from there.

I don't know what "really had parents" means. You were both orphans? Something else?

Kid, of course, is a slang term for her child and further shows your unhappiness with the situation. I think wanting to parent someone else's child is admirable. Too soon? Maybe. I don't know - but he has good intentions. Of course, until/unless they marry and the father agrees to an adoption nothing can happen legally.

Good that you are established with a career and a family at 20. Apparently he's not and he's trying to find his way. I stated you were a player until you met your wife (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-639915.html) when you were 17. Maybe he's putting in his "player days" now.

armydan69 · Mar 11, 2012, 06:05 AM

I agree with a lot you are saying, by really had no parents I mean they were never there. I moved out at 14 and he moved out around 16 or 17. When we did live at home we were never there because they weren't. We basically grew up without parents. I just was more adaptive and handled it better. I understand he's trying make the best decisions he can but this is the first girl he ever "dated" I feel like it's that "puppy love" that he never had up to now and he's mistaking it for more,also she has no job no aspiration to have a job and lives off her mother. It seems like she's afyer that army money and army benefits, free schooling for children housing etc.

JudyKayTee · Mar 11, 2012, 06:07 AM

- And if she is but he "loves" her nothing you say will make any difference. I would just make sure he knows whatever he does, no matter how stupid, you have his back.

armydan69 · Mar 11, 2012, 06:13 AM

Also I asked him why he rush into this and not wait for the right one to come along and he said he didn't want to wait and he wanted to start a family now. So I don't believe these are his "player days" I feel like he's skipping those and going straight to the first one who shows interest because he's afraid of the searcj for the right person and has case of rejection. At least with her he knows he's needed and as long as he's needed by her she won't go away. Alllso he told me hey if it doesn't work out ill get an anullment.

JudyKayTee · Mar 11, 2012, 06:17 AM

I hate to see anyone getting married with the plan for divorce/annulment in his/her head BUT, again, there's little you can do about it. You want him to wait for the "right one." He seems to feel she might be the "right one." I would never pick a life partner for anyone else.

If he's planning on an annulment he'd better do some research first - that's not just a matter of, "Hey, I think I'll get an annulment."

And on a side note - I married a man I knew for 7 weeks. Everyone thought I was crazy. Everyone thought he was crazy. We were happily married until he died far too young. Sometimes life just works out the way it works out.

armydan69 · Mar 11, 2012, 06:18 AM

I have told him that no matter what he does ill support him and be there for him. Here's one of the biggest things I see- it seems she wants to use him for the money, benefits, and cut his friends out of the picture so she can succeed in doing that. Like I said she lives off her mom, she has to move out eventually, who can she turn to? This guy that has his head so screwd up she can get whatever she wants out of him.

JudyKayTee · Mar 11, 2012, 06:24 AM

And you can't do anything to change that. A harsh fact - but a fact.

armydan69 · Mar 11, 2012, 06:27 AM

Well I'm sorry to hear that happened to you, I have no doubt in my mind that fairytale love stories happen like 2 people falling in love that barely know each other getting married and growing to know and love each other more over time. I completely believe in that. But if one partner is thinkimg that way and the other is thinking about what's best for their livelyhood instead of the "love" part (which it really seems like that's what she's doing) that's a redflag for me

Also they fight about every other day over the phone and computer about the stupidest things, sometime more then once a day. Yesterday they called off the marriage and broke up. 6 hrs later they were engaged again

talaniman · Mar 11, 2012, 01:26 PM

Let go, and back up. You are way to involved in his business, and you cannot run his life, but be there when he screws up. That's the role of friends and family, not to dictate no matter what you believe. If he wants to run head first into a brick wall, by him a helmet, and keep the band aids handy, but for sure after saying your peace, get out of the way, or chain him up 24/7!

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