[annaleo]

My 46 year old sister sleeps in my mothers bed with her every night. Her daughter sleeps in a room by herself. Is this normal? There is limited space at our house but my question is why isn't she with her own daughter? It seems weird to me, and she still follows my mom around the house too. If my mother is in the kitchen she is in the kitchen. When my mother goes into her room, she follows her into the room.
I am really bothered by her behavior, I think my sister needs help and I don't think her behavior is normal.

[annaleo]

Please help me! About six months ago my husband walked out on me and my 4 children and I had been umemployed due to illness. We ended up getting evicted from our home and had to move in with my mother. My father died 4 years ago and at that time one of my sisters moved in with her along with her teenage daughter. Then about 2 years ago my youngest sister moved back home after she graduated from college. During these past 4 years (before I moved back home)my mother has been the only one working and paying bills. Neither one of my sisters work and neither one of them help to maintain the house. All my sisters do is lay around the house being lazy and argue. This has caused much stress on my mother but she won't do anything about it. When I got there I started cleaning and doing everything to help my mom and I am actively seeking employment. I am getting very frustrated though, because me and my kids are the only ones helping around the house and when I try to talk to my mother about it, she defends my sisters. If I say anything to either one of my sisters, they start arguing with me. I don't know what to do, something is wrong with my mother to allow laziness and disrespect in her house. Should I try to get counseling for my mother and sisters? They all act like something is wrong with me for speaking the truth.

[Wondergirl]

If your sister is 46, how old are you? You still live there too? Are you all divorced? Please provide more details.

[jenniepepsi]

Its none of your business!
Why do humans feel the need to judge others so much?

They are adults, they are allowed to sleep however they like!

If YOU are bothered by this, then don't look.

If your mother is bothered by it, I would imagine she would have done something about it a LONG time ago. Obviously, she doesn't care. So let it go.

Find yourself a hobby

[jenniepepsi]

I apologies for the harshness of my post. I did not mean to lose my temper.

[annaleo]

@Wondergirl... I am the oldest and had no other choice in moving back. I am not divorced yet and I have no idea where my husband is. I don't plan on being here very long, my main goal is to get back on my feet and get my own place. I was very ill which is why I wasn't able to take over after my husband left but I am much better now. I just think its weird which is why I posted the question. Most of the people I ask feel the same way I do.

[JoeCanada76]

Will be honest, it does not seem normal at all. There is something wrong with this, yes. It is not about judging it is about what is normal and not normal. 46 year old sleeping with her mother in the same bed is NOT NORMAL. It is not all you're sister though. I would be asking the mother why does she allow this type of behavior? There is something wrong with her too.

[annaleo]

@ Wondergirl.. the "unhelpful" wasn't meant for your response.. sorry.

[Wondergirl]

Is your sister divorced? Does she have a history of neediness or wanting to live at home? Or even mental illness? Has she ever lived anywhere else? (Sorry for all the questions.)

[JudyKayTee]

Have you tried asking the two involved parties?

[annaleo]

@wondergirl.. yes my sister is divorced and yes she has lived on her own before. But when she was married her husband did everything. I don't mind the questions at all, I need help dealing with what goes on in this household. There is a lot more to the story than just the sleeping issue. As soon as my father passed away, she quit her job and moved in with my mother (at that time she and her husband were seperated). She has always been needy in my opinion. She cannot make a decision unless my mother okays it.. she calls my mother at work everyday for anything and everything.. she bosses my mother around.. she doesn't do any housework... she lays around or sits at the computer for hours on end and she criticizes everything that everyone else does and my mother allows all of this. When I try to talk about what I observe to my mom she defends my sister and I become the trouble maker for speaking out. I just don't get it.

[annaleo]

@judykayt... No I haven't asked them why because if I do, they will think something is wrong with me for asking. They are the kind of people who think everything they do or say is right no matter what it is. They can talk about what's wrong with other people but no one can say anything to them especially me. I am the blacksheep sister, always have been. Whenever I point out the truth as I see it, something is wrong with me.

[JudyKayTee]

I'm going to be very frank.

No one "gets" what is going on in his/her family if it has a negative impact on him/her, doesn't make sense in his/her eyes or there are other issues, sometimes very old, at play.

You appear to have problems of your own - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/emotio...ly-640661.html. It looks to me like you and your family moved in with your mother (as did your siblings) and now you are criticizing the very person, your mother, who puts a roof over your head.

It's your mother's house. If she doesn't care if your sister sits around all day or, for that matter, shares her bed I don't understand why it's any of your concern.

You appear to be the last one who moved in, you have opinions which are not welcome, you are doing whatever you do (it appears housework up to YOUR standards, not your mother's, not your sister's) around the house and criticizing people who don't behave in a way you would like them to behave.

I'd be so grateful and thankful for a place to stay that I would attempt to get along with my siblings, even if it meant biting my tongue off, and not adding further stress to your mother. Maybe she is tired of having her children come home to roost.

Who pays the mortgage, taxes, rent, buys the food, all of the other things that go along with living in a house or apartment?

EDIT: Your last post refers to telling people the truth as you see it. That's not how they see it and it's your mother's house. Apparently you weren't too "black sheep" to move in when you needed somewhere to live.

The relationship works for your mother and sibling - I don't know why it matters that it doesn't "work" for you.

Again, I'd be so grateful for a roof for me and my children that I'd keep my mouth shut.

[Wondergirl]

Well, obviously, your mom and sister feed off each other and have a relationship that supports each other's needs. Both enjoy and are very comfortable with the status quo. Your mom loves to be the go-to person for your sister and thus needed by her, and your sis loves to be helpless and needy. It sounds like her ex-husband played the same role for her as your mom does now.

I wonder if there is a way to break into this and break it apart. Has anyone ever tried? What kind of job does your mom have? Isn't she close to retirement?

[annaleo]

@judykayt... thanks for your response but you don't know the whole story.. my mom asked me to come with her because she wasn't getting any help from my sister and because of my own personal situation. Yes I was the last one to come but we were welcomed here and my stay is temporary. Before I left, my mom was under a lot of stress because of my sister. My sister is a hoarder and refuses to get a job and its driving my mom nuts. I am very grateful for her and I love her very much which is why me and my children do everything we can to help her. I just don't understand why my mom won't put her foot down with my sister if my sister is causing her so much pain. I really don't say much because yes this is her house and it really is her problem. It just hurts me to know that my mom goes out everyday to work and pay bills and no one else seems to care. My mother appreciates my help and she also knows that I am very independent and will be leaving soon. I would never lay around her house and do nothing like my lazy sister. Also don't bother responding anymore, you seem like a closed minded person whose answers aren't doing me any good anyway. Thanks to all of you who respond with understanding and compassion I really appreciate it!

[J_9]

I have merged both of the Ops threads as they deal with the same situation.

[annaleo]

@wondergirl.. your take on the situation makes a lot of sense to me, I never looked at it that way. I have never tried to break into that and I probably won't, its been going on too long. Other family members have tried to talk to my mom about it(her sisters and brothers) but they get nowhere. Im just going to stay focused on my goals so that I can move out asap. I will always be there for my mom but she is going to have to deal with my sister and the issues with her own house herself.
I just wanted to know what others would do in a situation like mine and to know if my feelings about it was right or wrong.
Thank you.

[JoeCanada76]

Regardless of situations, dynamics, problems within the family. The questionnaire asked about a 46 year old daughter sleeping in the same bed as her mother.

It is quite simple, not normal. Can anybody change that situation probably not. If they do not think anything is wrong with it. This answer is without judgement.

Would you all feel the same way if a 46 year old daughter was sleeping with her father in the same bed. I bet you the answers would be really different. The fact is, there is something disturbing about an older person sleeping with their parent.

[JudyKayTee]

Regardless of situations, dynamics, problems within the family. The questionnaire asked about a 46 year old daughter sleeping in the same bed as her mother.

It is quite simple, not normal. Can anybody change that situation probably not. If they do not think anything is wrong with it. This answer is without judgement.

Would you all feel the same way if a 46 year old daughter was sleeping with her father in the same bed. I bet you the answers would be really different. The fact is, there is something disturbing about an older person sleeping with their parent.

Who sets the "normal" standard? Who enforces the "normal" standard?

I see a very big difference between a father and daughter sharing a bed and a mother and daughter sharing a bed. The question isn't about the father and daughter. It's about the mother and daughter.

I find nothing "disturbing," your choice of a word, about a mother and daughter, adults, no one incapable of making adult decisions (or so it appears from what's been posted) sharing a bed. No one is being coerced. I'm not addressing the father/daughter situation because it's not the question.

I must be terribly abnormal because I was raised by my Grandparents. When my Grandmother was dying, during her last week, I often slept in her bed, holding her. I was an adult and I simply loved my Grandmother. If she found comfort in not being alone at night, I was there - normal or not.

You state that your answer is without judgment and then post a judgmental statement: "Would you all feel the same way if a 46 year old daughter was sleeping with her father in the same bed. I bet you the answers would be really different. The fact is, there is something disturbing about an older person sleeping with their parent."

[Wondergirl]

I had said: "Your mom loves to be the go-to person for your sister and thus needed by her, and your sis loves to be helpless and needy." After thinking more about this, I'm guessing your sister keeps pushing the envelope in your mother's direction, and because your mom sees the neediness in her ("oh, the poor dear"), hates to refuse her, even when it comes down to sharing a bed or allowing her to lie about all day.

This all hasn't happened overnight in one big bite, but has been nibbling along over the years as your sister takes one little bite at a time out of your mother's life. Your mother may see what is going on, but where does she begin to stop the nibbling? And will that alienate this daughter who may need her in some ways but not so seriously in others? At this point, it's all so overwhelming that your mom can't differentiate which ways to allow and which to stop--it would take too much emotional and even physical effort. It's easiest for her to just give in. After all, she has to work and pay bills, etc. and put her energies into keeping the household together.

That may be part of the reason you were welcomed in, as a sort of silent handyman to clean and reorganize the household while mom's at work (but without causing any upset).

***ADDED*** There ARE fairly easy things (starting very small) your mom can do to begin to stop the nibbling and regain ground, but she'd have to be willing to follow through and be consistent.