[AbbyCat]

My daughter is 43 and has been living with her father and I for almost 9 years, since her now 9 year old daughter was a couple of months old. Our granddaughter is the sun and moon in our lives. We have helped our daughter out since she was born, always she pretty much got what she wanted. We also have three sons, our daughter is the youngest. When she left home, we had to help with rent and food quite often. We bought her several cars, sent her on vacation trips to Mexico and to visit friends in other states, bought her special clothes so she would be in style. I realize that we should never have done this, that she should have worked for what she got when she left home but my husband grew up very poor and tried to give the kids all that he could never have.
Let me back up a little. My husband is an alcoholic who has been in recovery for 32 years. But while the kids were young he was drunk every day. I was almost literally insane, severely depressed, suffered from anxiety disorder and panic attacks, sometimes suicidal although I never actually attempted suicide it was very tempting, I just always came around to the fact I could not do this to my children. However, I freely admit I was a very bad mother. I could never have a birthday or any other kind of party for any of the kids as their father would be drunk. They couldn't have friends for overnighters. I often lashed out at the kids, even hit them with a flyswatter and even a belt. When my husband got into treatment so did I. None of these things ever happened again and I tried with all my heart to tell the kids it was never their fault, the were good kids, it was my fault, I was crazy. Not as an excuse but just to explain why I was as I was. My sons have long since understood and when I asked forgiveness they granted it with love. But my daughter has never forgiven me. She is an alcoholic also, but a binge drinker and can only get alcohol once in awhile as she is not working right now. She did work the first 8 years she lived with us. Last year she took her daughter and went back to her home state where her brothers were. She got a job but could not pay her bills or have someone trustworthy to take care of her child. She had a very bad affair with a man she hardly knew, and ended up coming back to live with us. She has always let it be known she hated me, but managed to keep it under control most of the time. Since she came back home is hell for us. If I ask her to clean her rooms, help with the housework, anything, she lashes out with everything I ever did or didn't do in her life. Every day she says something about why should she help around the house, the house was never clean when she was a kid, and so on it goes. I know she had a few years of a very bad childhood, but she throws in things that never happened, accuses me of things I never did. A couple of days ago, I went in to her room where she was in bed, as susal, and asked her to get up, that it was bad for her to be staying in bed all the time, it would feed her depression, that she could clean her room to start with. I did not use an angry voice or sound sarcastic, just trying to help her. She attacked me, grabbed my armes, pulled me to the floor, hit me in the face with her fist, and began screaming I hate You over and over. She finally threw herself back on the bed and begain crying. I managed to pull myself up and hide out until her father came home. (I forgot to mention that I have severe arthritis where my joints are disintegrating and I have had several surgeries to replace joints.) I believe she is incapable of living on her own until she gets some kind of counseling or psychiatric help but I cannot live this way much longer. I have to take medication for pain, anxiety, and depression. Her father is no help, as he usually gets mad at me for anything I say to her. I am to the point of leaving if I can find someplace to go. I have no income but social security and that is a very small amount. I have nowhere to turn, no one to talk to as all my friends are back in another state or have passed away. I no longer care if I live or not. Please give me some advice.

[Schoolmarm97]

First, I highly recommend that you seek counseling. You have enough reason, and you won't be able to extricate yourself without help. Find someone who specializes in co-dependents.

That said, here is my opinion and my advice: You should NOT have to live this way anymore. She needs to move out. Nine years is more than long enough for her to get her act together. The fact that she managed to work for 8 of those years then deteriorated into unemployed alcoholism suggests that this situation isn't just unhealthy for you, but for her, as well. She is what is known as an ACOA (Adult Child of Alcoholics) and has issues beyond your ability to settle, but you do not have to accept being abused. If she is also abusive to her daughter and you feel you have the wherewithal to accomplish it, you could sue for custody of the child, but it sounds to me as if it would be very difficult for you to raise a child in your physical condition.

By the way, I know I'm going to catch some heat for saying this, but your daughter is an adult now. She's all growed up and ready to move on. You can stop apologizing to her for the things that happened when she was a child. She is capable of getting past that if she wants to and she needs to get the help to do that. She doesn't want to because it's a very handy stick with which she can beat you whenever she feels pressured to do something she doesn't want to do. She is behaving like a spoiled brat, in my opinion, and should be treated as such. Pulling the plug is the most effective way of getting your life back in order, and don't allow her to move back in unless she gets counseling and enters a 12-step program, preferably in her home state. And you should check out Al-Anon, the support group for family members of alcoholics. You are enabling your daughter, which is a no-no in the world of rehab. The loser in the end will be your granddaughter, and I don't think you want that.

[AbbyCat]

Thank you for your caring answer. I know you are right. She is not abusive toward her daughter, but her daughter has to hear and see all that is going on and that has to be bad for her. I attended Al-anon for several years and got away from it when my husband became sober. I will go back to it as I know I need the emotional support. My main fear is that if she moves out again what will happen to her daughter. She knows how devastated we would be if we were unable to see that child. And I fear something will happen when there is no one trustworthy to care for the child.
I accidentally left out a word in my original letter when I said she worked for the first 8 years. She did not work at all during that time. When she did move out for about 6 months, she did have a job but could not support herself on what she made and ended up coming back home. She went to work again but quit after about 8 months, got another job and quit that one, too. Always there was a reason of ill treatment for her quitting. Both places she worked had a bar and she was waitress-bartender. Great places for an alcoholic.
Yes, you are right. We have enabled her to do as she pleased. Now she has no money to enable her to move out and we can't give it to her. She is continually verbally abusive and now her father jumps on me for getting angry and saying anything to her so she can just sit back and see me get verbally abused a little more. This year will be our 50th anniversary. Whoopee. More years to live like this.As someone once said, I don't need to see hell, I'm living in it.
Thanks again for answering me. It feels so good just to be able to say these things as I have no social network, no friends, no one I can count on.

[Schoolmarm97]

AbbyCat, I truly feel your agony. Is it possible for your daughter to go back to where her brothers are living? Not that they should be responsible for her, but at least they can monitor your granddaughter. And that little girl should be aware that she can always contact you for help should she need it. Give her a prepaid cell with your number in it and those of her uncles.

It sounds as if your husband is feeling far too much empathy for a fellow addict to be rational at this point. It's too hard for him to bring the hammer down on someone else when he's been allowed to slide for all these years using his "illness" as an excuse for inexcusable behavior.

You're an Al-Anon alum, so you know very well that you are enabling all of this. When I was in training to be an addictions counselor, I realized early on that I would never actually meet the clients, only their addictions. I finished the program and never followed through with the license application because I knew I'd be angry most of the time. Like you, huh? ;) It's like there's always a third person in the conversation, and a very obnoxious, ballsy one at that! Your guilt is yet another addiction that's also taking a spot at the table. Too bad you three can't back away and let your addictions battle it out while you take a vacation.

I'm not going to beat you over the head. You know what you need to do. But it will help if you make a list. Better yet, print up a calendar page and in bold magic marker (there's something very imposing about bold colored letters ) put the steps you intend to take and on which days. If you can stick to that (your guilt will fight you; you know that), you'll be on your way. Cross off the steps with a big, black "X" as you take them. It's a trick I learned going through chemo to keep my ducks in a row and my mind from giving in to the anxiety. It works, I swear to you.

I just realized that I haven't asked about your granddaughter's dad. Is he in the picture at all?