[toronto guy]

I have been seeing the same woman for 5+ years. I have been suspicious of a friend of hers who I never met. She started spending allot of time with him last summer. I found out that she lied to me about going places and would see him. She said nothing went on even though I found messages from him asking her to leave me. We broke up and then she convinced me to get back together. She said he was gone. I found out a week later that it was not true and she was up to the same old game. I found out that she been sleeping with him. She said she needed a break to think of things and it was nothing to do with him. We decided on 2 months. She called 2 days later and then every few days. I finally said that I was partially wanting to get back. She seam happy and remorseful however I told her that I wanted her still to think things over so she was sure of her commitment. After hearing from her yet again I told her that she needed to be truthful no matter what. SHe said that she loved me but was not in love since last summer. I told her that it was funny that he started chasing her at the same time and trying to go out with her. She want to remain friends. I told her that the only way that might be possible is if she cut him out of her life. She said I was controlling, I said I could not be friends knowing he was seeing her and created some of the mess. She called for something uninportant the next day. I am confused. Aside from This she is a GREAT person. I miss her and LOVe her but I know that I could not date her. I was told that this was not the first time cheating on someone. I would like to see her happy but not with him. I also want her to realize how big of a mistake she has made.

I am confused on why she keeps calling when I know she is seeing him.

[confused_guy]

Both of you are obviously confused about what you want. Space may be what YOU need to decide if this woman/girl is someone who will make you happy in life. She has cheated before and will probably cheat again if she isn't willing to own up to her GIANT MISTAKE. She has lied and never cut that guy out of her life when she said she would. If you are "ok" with that then keep taking her calls. Will the paranoia not eat you alive? I know it would kill me (and the relationship).

Try to keep yourself busy with other things that make you happy. I would recommend not taking her calls for a while so she can re-evaluate what is important to her. If you decide to give her one last chance, do it on the contingency that you must take things slow. Gauge her reaction and decide what to do from there. You've got time on your side.

[toronto guy]

I can't trust her again. I am not mad about her cheating anymore. I am angry that she would still see him even as a "friend" She said she did not love him and she cared more about me. I said then it would mean something if you chose more or less . I guess I lost but I bet she will call again. I was upset enough that I wanted to tell the people that we know why we broke up. She wants it kept quiet. I sometimes want to tell her to never call me again. I do love hearing from her thought.

[confused_guy]

i can't trust her again. I am not mad about her cheating anymore. I am angry that she would still see him even as a "friend" She said she did not love him and she cared more about me. I said then it would mean something if you chose more or less . I guess i lost but i bet she will call again. I was upset enough that i wanted to tell the people that we know why we broke up. She wants it kept quiet. I sometimes want to tell her to never call me again. I do love hearing from her thought.

As an outsider here is my advice: don't take her calls for a while. All the begging and pleading from you in the world will not make her leave this guy alone and choose you. If you truly disappear she will be FORCED to look in the mirror and decide what is right for her.

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is if she makes the decision to continue seeing him are you OK with that? If that is the case maybe you can maintain a friendship or relationship. Obviously it's not OK for you right now though because you are here asking about it.


Then again, you are talking to a guy who frets over a lot smaller issues! Take what people say with a grain of salt (her included).

I have no doubt that she cares about you (or even loves you), but she NEEDS the time away from you to truly evaluate the things that are most important to her. You need it to. Seriously, don't take her calls for a while... make her wonder what you're up to. If you're there every time she wants you she knows she still "has" you.

[valinors_sorrow]

i can't trust her again. I sometimes want to tell her to never call me again. I do love hearing from her thought.

At some point down the road, I bet it will strike you as just plum crazy that you are taking the calls of a woman you can't trust and have no future in. That you are not there now is understandable. I hope for your sake you stay as grounded in reality as you seem to be here and that when you eventually do get there, you politely shut this circus down. Lesson learned.

PS - I would tell whatever version I thought was truthful and appropriate to whomever I was speaking... with no thought at all as to what it would do. It is your experience after all but that's not to be used for anything other than the lesson that is meant for you either.

[talaniman]

Aside from This she is a GREAT person

She lies and cheats but aside from that..! Honestly I'd be long gone and would be unavailable for her calls or anything else. Does the word ignore ring a bell.

[chuff]

She lies and cheats but aside from that............!!! Honestly I'd be long gone and would be unavailable for her calls or anything else. Does the word ignore ring a bell.

I was thinking the same thing. She is anything but a great person. She's a user, a manipulator, a liar, a cheater, a few other things but I'm going to be nice today. Toronto Guy has 5 years invested in her though so it's understandable that he's still surprised and in shock over this whole thing. As Val stated, in time he will realize what is really going on here. Until then he needs to get rid of her and in time he will be happy he did.

[Nosnosna]

I would like to see her happy but not with him. I also want her to realize how big of a mistake she has made.

Spite. Normal, understandable, but not healthy.

I am confused on why she keeps calling when I know she is seeing him.

Oh, that's the easy part... she knows you'll answer because she still has power over you.

[toronto guy]

I am now going to go for not accepting her calls or any contact with her and her family and friends. I actually started by putting away all the contact info and erased numbers from my phone. I am putting away pictures also. It's a start. However, I was thinking of calling the guy that caused all this and telling him what to expect and what he may or may not know. I am not piss off as much with him anymore, I think that I could have used the head up before I went down this path. It apparently has been a repetitive thing with her. I probably doing this to piss her off in part. My turn to afflict some pain I guess. I then want no contact. Sort of the last say.

[valinors_sorrow]

I am now going to go for not accepting her calls or any contact with her and her family and friends. I actually started by putting away all the contact info and erased numbers from my phone. I am putting away pictures also. Its a start. However, I was thinking of calling the guy that caused all this and telling him what to expect and what he may or may not know. I am not piss off as much with him anymore, I think that i could have used the head up before i went down this path. It apparently has been a repetitive thing with her. I probably doing this to piss her off in part. My turn to afflict some pain i guess.I then want no contact. Sort of the last say.

Smart move about no more contact. Crappy move about that phone call to the guy...

1. He did not "cause all this" -- SHE did. What he's doing, what YOU did was tolerate it. This is a lesson in learning to see things are they really are.
2. Revenge totally backfires when you are in the company of gamers like this and worse, makes you as big of an idiot as they are!
3. There is no "last say" since they say something equally as crappy back, doh! "Big" people know when to end it.
4. What healthy people would be doing is quietly slipping away from these awful people knowing its pointless. Run Guy, run for your life here.
5. Otherwise, know that if you walk like a duck and sound like a duck, well, that probably means you are a duck! Not good.

You have a decision to make here but its more like this:
Are you going to be JUST like them, and play games or are you going to be NOT like them and distance yourself from it all?

[toronto guy]

Thanks for all the responses. Hopefully I keep my head and don't answers her calls. It may be hard at work(no call display) Should I say I am busy, I need time to get my head together, or plain old Don't ever call me!

I guess my emotions will keep me second guessing things for allot of time. I just have to try to stay strong and not buckle. Don't worry people, I know there is no future relationship possibility on my part. I however wonder what the future holds if I would or could be friends. I don't know why but I am pretty sure that I am over my anger part. I would not do it if he was in the picture but anyone else would be no problem.

If I could build a time machine. Would I move forward to get over things or go back and decided not to go out with her, maybe even try to do things different. Who am I kidding I would go and get the lottery numbers! HA! Ha!

[toronto guy]

One last thing. She has a daughter that just went to college (17). I have been in her life since she was 12. I still email and take her out and talk to her every month or two to see how she is doing. She has lots of friends and a father who keep in contact. I thought that I should keep seeing how she is and keep in contact. I know her mom has her email password and sometimes looks at the messages. Should I tell her this? Should I cut contact. There is no way that I would say or do anything to cause familly problems(totally against people who do that) However, the daughter knows that there was issues with this guy, she does not know about her cheating. She does know that she cheated on her father and told me to watch out.

[valinors_sorrow]

one last thing. She has a daughter that just went to college (17). I have been in her life since she was 12. I still email and take her out and talk to her every month or two to see how she is doing. she has lots of friends and a father who keep in contact. I thought that i should keep seeing how she is and keep in contact. I know her mom has her email password and sometimes looks at the messages. Should i tell her this? should i cut contact. There is no way that i would say or do anything to cause familly problems(totally against people who do that) However, the daughter knows that there was issues with this guy, she does not know about her cheating. she does know that she cheated on her father and told me to watch out.

Let the woman know you don't care to continue anything, wish her well and take no more calls. If you attempt to remain friends, you will get more of the same bad treatment GUARANTEED, Mister. Ex's make crappy "buddies" for obvious reasons. Even divorcing parents find it challenging and they have far far more reason than you do.

As for her daughter, since she is nearly an adult herself slowly turn this into you responding only when she makes contact and be sure to arrange for the topic of her mother to be fairly off limits. If she emails you, respond by saying you'd be happy to meet for coffee. Fact to face and public places only. You don't need to be closing a door only to let it in the window here. My guess is if you give her the chance, she will slowly drift away.

Puts all my cards on the table here and says with all due respect to the 5+ years you invested, if you find one more reason to remain actively connected to this woman I will be suggesting you look into codepedency for yourself, just so's you know, okay? Grief is one thing, codependency is all together different.

[toronto guy]

Puts all my cards on the table here and says with all due respect to the 5+ years you invested, if you find one more reason to remain actively connected to this woman I will be suggesting you look into codepedency for yourself, just so's you know, okay? Grief is one thing, codependency is all together different.[/QUOTE]

Codepedency, I did not know what that meant until I looked it up. Its scary, I fit a few of these points as does she. I am going to have to read up more on this. It could besomething that I was not aware of for myself.

[toronto guy]

Hi I just realized a new word. Codependency I was shocked to find that I fit some of the features.

What are some of the symptoms?

Controlling behavior
Distrust
Perfectionism
Avoidance of feelings
Intimacy problems
Caretaking behavior
Hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)
Physical illness related to stress

I have felt some of these once I suspected something was going wrong( she was cheating and she did it a few years earlier) I forgave her the first time and never controlled or brought it up again. 100% trust. Then The second time, I had suspected but no proof. I started being controlling( I was right about my gut feeling in the first place).
Overcourse during that time there was distrust.
I am a bit of a perfectionist, Not all the time.
I don't avoid feeling. I state them openly. I believe in if you don't mean don't say it and always tell the truth good or bad.
I don't avoid feeling. That was her department. ( she said her household you kept everything in and never cry)
Caregiving behavior. I am not sure. I do like to take care of things and be the one people rely on.
Hypervigilante, a scarry word. I did have anger towards the guy and we exchanged and threatened each other. After a few weeks it was gone. I thought I would still be pissed. I hope it stays gone. I hate being mad. I like to be happy and joke around. Most time I try to believe "Don't get mad at the things you cannot control in life"
Physical illness, I only had the stress parts, don't eat as often, don't sleep all night, Break out the first little bit.

Now I am not sure if I am trying to fit myself a into this or if its part true. I know sometimes people can get confused and read into things. Like a horoscope it can mean a dozen different things.

[JoeCanada76]

I would say no, It has nothing to do with your breakup.

You have listed all the symptoms of codependency, it seems that you developed some of these symptoms only when you lost the trust you once had.

Which has nothing to do with you but your ex partner.

Joe

[ForeverZero]

Codependant people are usually like this when they have absolutely no reason to be. You've encountered problems with this girl before, and thus you have reason to be suspect. I'm sure I could fit the bill for some of the characteristics of a child molesting serial killer, when in reality I'm just a regular serial killer. (kidding) Don't concern yourself with things like this, she cheated on you, that's a reflection on her character, not yours.

[toronto guy]

I have answered all of these as yes. I am still reading up on them.

Codependency - The Questions


Do you find yourself making decisions based on other people's opinions?
Is it important to you that people like you and want to be your friend?
Do you have a strong desire to help others, but deep down you know you do it so that they will like or love you?
Do you seem to notice everyone else's problems and have a need to tell them what you think they should do to solve them?
Do you feel anxious, angry or upset when people don't do things you want them to do, or do things the way you want them to do them?
Do you find yourself in relationships where you do all the giving and the other person does all the taking?
Are you involved in activities that demand all of your time and energy and you are neglecting your family or yourself?

[JoeCanada76]

I think you think too much. Perfectionist and details will be your downfall because your trying to put a label on everything. Your going to drive yourself mad, or is that what you want. I feel sorry that this is the way your dealing with the breakup, but I can see why it has happened as well. Like I said before if the trust was not broken in the first place I do not think any of these questions would be in your head. Stop looking for blame and JUST ACCEPT IT.

Joe

[ForeverZero]

Dude, look up symptoms of emotional abuse and tell me you don't fit the bill for some of them too. They're all vague and generalized questions. I'm pretty far from codependant, and I could answer yes to all these questions at times. If it really bothers you that much, go see a counselor. I don't think that it's your problem, but let a professional make that call for you. Hey, I just thought about that, and letting somebody else make a decision for you is a sign of codependance. You'd better stay away from those professionals!

I'm kidding about the last part, but I seriously think this is just an overreaction as your way of figuring out why your ex's problems were your fault.