[h_khan_1991]

I have known my boyfriend for 2 years and 3 months but have been with him for one year and 3 months. I always knew he had a temper from day one but thought nothing of it. We were so crazy in love it was insane. I was on a gap year and was so alone are he was there for me we spent every night and day together. I'm a muslim (he wasn't) and live with my brother and sister in law (both parents deceased) so it was very hard for me having to hide him and sneak him in every night or having to sneak out myself. We spent so much time together and he gave me a reason to live.

However, sometimes when he would drink he would get very aggressive.. it started with him humiliating me in public then he started to get a bit physical etc I won't go into details. This happened so rarely I brushed it under the carpet because I was so in love with him. I lost my virginity to him (I am 20) so was convinced I wanted him forever and he would tell me every day he would convert to islam for me and stop drinking. However a year into our relationship I found out he had met up with his ex and cheated in the first month of us being together and had been texting her for a while (baring in mind he was going on about how amazing mine and his relationship was after like a day of us starting our relationship, he also made me delete all the guys numbers off my phone right at the beginning). He still denied it but I went on at him for 2 months about it and he got more and more angry, spitting in my face when I accused him throwing me around calling me all sorts of things until he finally admitted it after months of looking me in the eye and telling me he would never do that to me. It is not what he did it is the lying I could not take. After this (january just gone) I found it hard to be intimate with him and I told him I didn't think I would ever forgive him. He overdosed and ended up in hospital. I travelled back 5 hours from university to see him even though it was the day before my exam. He told me he just wanted to know I cared. 2 weeks later he drank bleach because he didn't think I was going to give him a chance even though I swore I would. Once again, in hospital. But about 2 weeks after that I told him I love him so much but could never forgive what he had done to me he had abused me physically (but never beat me) verbally and sexually assaulted me on 2 occasions (not actual intercourse) we went on skype and he had something tied round his neck. He always did this so I dismissed him although still asked him to stop. He said I will ring you in a minute so I waited... he rung me and said I'm in the garden with this rope tied to the banister of the stairs to the basement... his voice started sounding strangled that's when I started screaming and cring begging for him to stop saying I swear I will give him a chance and stick by him while he gets help (he was meant to be going to the priory the following day) but he was like if I don't have you I don't want help, I can't live without you, I love you. Then he just hung up.

I thought he was bluffing so I left it half an hour before calling his sister. She went down and rung me screaming he was dead then hung up. I was hysterical to say the least. She then texted me a few hours later saying he still had a slight pulse I was the happiest id ever been. But then she told me if he survives he will be severely brain damaged. I got on the train immediately, texted my sister told her everything and she came to the hospital with me (his family refused to see me). It was the worst moment of my life seeing him there. The nurses kept telling me I had to say goodbye to him but I wouldn't accept it. But I did and he passed a few minutes later, surrounded by his family.

I am so consumed with guilt and am so hurt and can't imagine ever wanting anyone else we were so in love I only told you the bad things but he did EVERYTHING for me anything I wanted and I mean EVERYTHING. I can't see how I will get over this he was my everything he was about to start getting psychiatric help and he was excited about it he said he knew there was something wrong with him but he wanted it fix it so I will want to be with him again but I wouldn't give him the chance. I can't sleep at night knowing that every time I wake up each day I will realise more and more he will never come back. How will I get over this. I know that all a counsellor will do is tell me its not my fault etc but it will not bring him back so I don't want to hear it. Please help I don't know what to do the only thing stopping me ending my life to see him is knowing the effect is had had on his family I could never do it to my own family but I'm scared I will get so desperate I will do something stupid what shall I do

[awesomagic]

Wow! You have really dug yourself into a hole. Let's start from the beginning.

Some people are designed to self-destruct. For some reason they are just wired that way and there really isn't anything you can do about it. For some people, it is in their very nature, and you either accept them like they are or you don't. You accepted him, "as is", so make peace with that.

He cheated on you. It made you mad, and you refused to forgive him. That is not the way. You mentioned being a Muslim. I'm not. I'm a Christian. So I can only say it like this: When we do wrong by God, he is always good and faithful to forgive us if we admit our mistakes to him. So, when someone wrongs us we should be good and faithful to forgive them as well. To forgive means to put it in the past and never bring it up again, like it never even happened. Forgiving him would have meant 2 things. 1) It's the example of God. 2) He can't use your lack of forgiveness against you, which he did. That was just another excuse that he could use to harm himself and he used it. Don't let that happen again. Forgiveness won't cost you a thing. Consider that a lesson that you've learned the hard way.

Something else you've learned the hard way is, when someone threatens to harm themselves, take them completely at their word, they're not bluffing. You must assume that every threat of suicide is real and totally valid. Take action immediately. After they have hurt themselves it is too late to help them because the damage is done. Just don't beat yourself up over this. You don't know what you don't know, but this is how we learn.

You should have done the math as the relationship went along: Drinking + hitting + spitting + sexual assault + threats of suicide = lots and lots of trouble. These are all "red flags" that should warn you of potential problems. You didn't know that then. You know that now. It's all about knowledge and experience. That's how people mature and grow in wisdom. Next time, do the math.

Don't blame his family for not seeing you. They were stricken with grief. Every family is different. Some families want friends and visitors to comfort and console them. Others want to be left alone during times of tragedy. Don't take it personally. Give them some time, which you have plenty of.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, let yourself off the hook with this. You're only 20 years old and you have a lot to learn. No one expects you to be perfect at everything, especially something you have no experience with. As you get older these things will make more sense. Until then, keep growing, keep maturing, keep loving, and keep forgiving. Be good to everybody, because everybody is having a tough time. I sure hope this helps and I will be praying to my God for your comfort and peace.

[tailsxx]

I cannot begin to express how similar your story is to mine. I am also 20 years old. 6 months ago I found out my boyfriend cheated on me multiple times. He looked me in the eyes and denied it so many times, but the other girls showed me proof. I broke up with him and told him there will never be a chance for us again. I was madly in love with him, but I could not take him back after the cheating and lying. A day later he told me he couldn't live without me and hung himself- and I found him.

Like the comment before, you cannot blame yourself AT ALL. He had a lot of problems going on i.e: the aggression, drinking, controlling. My boyfriend was exactly the same. It is not your fault. And I do not believe you should have forgiven him for the cheating. No one deserves to be cheated on. You cannot use his suicide as an excuse to think the cheating was okay. It is very very painful. It has been 6 months for me now, and in the beginning I was very suicidal as well, that's normal. But you need to keep strong and hold on. Life does get better, it just takes time. You are going to go through stages, right now most likely you are still in shock and depression. Soon you will get very, very angry. The thoughts and negative images and emotions will be consistent for awhile. And you will miss him very much. This is what happened to me. But you need to trust me when I say all seems hopeless now, but you will start to slowly feel better. And I know you don't want to hear it; But the most important thing to remember is that there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. Your boyfriend sounds like he had a lot of psychological issues that were out of your control. If you would have kept giving him chances, it would have been putting yourself in a lot of danger. People in such an unstable state as he was could have hurt you very badly. Murder-suicides are very common, as painful as it is to think that way, you probably saved your own life.

The next few months you will go through a lot. It is important to stay close to people that love and support you. They are your support system right now and will be your biggest help to getting through this. You will get through this. Just keep strong. All seems lost right now, but it is not. You can get through it, it just takes time.

[Fr_Chuck]

It is not you, he has abused you so long you came to a point to blame yourself for what he was doing. He had mental health issues and needed professional help. No one can make a person help themselves.

I could go into all sorts of issues, lying to your family, and more. But that is the past. You need professional help to deal with this, please get it.

[odinn7]

He cheated on you. It made you mad, and you refused to forgive him. That is not the way. You mentioned being a Muslim. I'm not. I'm a Christian. So I can only say it like this: When we do wrong by God, he is always good and faithful to forgive us if we admit our mistakes to him. So, when someone wrongs us we should be good and faithful to forgive them as well.

That right there is crap. He cheated and she should have forgiven him for that? That makes no sense at all.

He treated you terribly and kept doing the suicide thing to keep you in his control. Finally, he failed and really did kill himself. It's his fault and not yours. I understand the guilt and all but there is no reason for it. He sounds like he was a terrible and controlling person who was bent on self destruction. Not your fault. In fact, I commend you for putting up with his garbage for as long as you did. He didn't deserve you and you didn't deserve what he was doing to you.

Let the guilt go... you did nothing wrong and you did way more than most people would have.

[JudyKayTee]

Wow! You have really dug yourself into a hole. Let's start from the beginning.

Some people are designed to self-destruct. For some reason they are just wired that way and there really isn't anything you can do about it. For some people, it is in their very nature, and you either accept them like they are or you don't. You accepted him, "as is", so make peace with that.

He cheated on you. It made you mad, and you refused to forgive him. That is not the way. You mentioned being a Muslim. I'm not. I'm a Christian. So I can only say it like this: When we do wrong by God, he is always good and faithful to forgive us if we admit our mistakes to him. So, when someone wrongs us we should be good and faithful to forgive them as well. To forgive means to put it in the past and never bring it up again, like it never even happened. Forgiving him would have meant 2 things. 1) It's the example of God. 2) He can't use your lack of forgiveness against you, which he did. That was just another excuse that he could use to harm himself and he used it. Don't let that happen again. Forgiveness won't cost you a thing. Consider that a lesson that you've learned the hard way.

Something else you've learned the hard way is, when someone threatens to harm themself, take them completely at their word, they're not bluffing. You must assume that every threat of suicide is real and totally valid. Take action immediately. After they have hurt themself it is too late to help them because the damage is done. Just don't beat yourself up over this. You don't know what you don't know, but this is how we learn.

You should have done the math as the relationship went along: Drinking + hitting + spitting + sexual assault + threats of suicide = lots and lots of trouble. These are all "red flags" that should warn you of potential problems. You didn't know that then. You know that now. It's all about knowledge and experience. That's how people mature and grow in wisdom. Next time, do the math.

Don't blame his family for not seeing you. They were stricken with grief. Every family is different. Some families want friends and visitors to comfort and console them. Others want to be left alone during times of tragedy. Don't take it personally. Give them some time, which you have plenty of.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, let yourself off the hook with this. You're only 20 years old and you have a lot to learn. No one expects you to be perfect at everything, especially something you have no experience with. As you get older these things will make more sense. Until then, keep growing, keep maturing, keep loving, and keep forgiving. Be good to everybody, because everybody is having a tough time. I sure hope this helps and I will be praying to my God for your comfort and peace.

In general this is called "blaming the victim." SHE was not responsible for her boyfriend's mental health. I find your post to borderline on preaching. Keep forgiving? The man was an abuser. Get far, far away and then decide whether to forgive him.

Not everyone believes in your God or in God, in general - please keep that in mind.

[h_khan_1991]

Thank you for your replies sorry it took so long to reply I didn't think anyone would care enough to take the time to read it, it has been nearly 2 months and not a lot has changed in the way I'm feeling, I've never felt so alone in my life. I am 5 hours away from home at a university were I have minimal friends because of spending all my time with him. The thing I can't get my head around it that it was an accident. Even the coroner thinks so. And I know it was. But I, being stupid, decided to take the risk and wait a while before getting his family involved by which time he was beyond saving. The thing is I know he had mental issues but I still pushed him to that point where he would get into that state of mind because I was so angry at him for what he had done to me. I would stoop to such horribly low levels to get back at him, saying anything and everything to hurt him. I did this the night he killed himself. I told him he was scum and I wouldn't give him anymore chances, he kept trying to calm me down but I just told him to **** off until he finally snapped. I tried to calm him down but I know once he snaps, if I'm not physically there to stop him, he is capable of anything. I knew this about him yet I kept on pushing him. What sort of person does that to someone they love? I was consumed with my own anger and wanted revenge. But by the time I realised my mistake, it was too late and he was saying 'you have ten seconds to stop me' and I told him I loved him and would stay with him but obviouisly that wasn't good enough,he wouldn't believe me after everything I had said that night, he was talking and he was sounding strangled and was like I can't live without you I love you and hung up. I've done hours of research and have found out that from having something round your neck the way he did, will make you pass out within seconds, I think while he was trying to sound strangled on the phone it got too tight for him to loosen it and he passed out. But I left it half an hour before contacting anyone. I cannot live with myself knowing I pushed him to the point where he would get into that state of mind after experiencing what he was like when he got to that point so many times. I was selfish and put my own anger before his well being, I was so sure he wouldn't do anything I didn't care what I said to him. But unfortunately he picked the wrong method as a suicide gesture and it went wrong. If only I had believed him and phoned his family straight away, I was just too scared of angering them as I knew they sort of already blamed me for the overdosing and the bleach drinking I didn't want them to get even more angry when I woke them up at 3 in the morning and it turned out he was just sitting and watching TV, when in fact he was slowly being strangled to death. Why did I take that risk? I will never forgive myself for this. How will I ever move on from knowing my bad judgement caused the death of someone I loved so much? I am finding it so difficult to make the most simple decisions now. How will I ever trust anyone again knowing the person I loved most hurt me in the worst way possible? I just don't see how I will not be permanently damaged because of this. I have been to counselling a few times, not helping what so ever, all it is is someone repeating back to me everything I say but in a more patronising voice. Don't see the point. I am considering transferring universitys because he has tainted this university for me and I feel I want to be closer to home, but that is a massive decision I do not feel I am capable of making at the moment although I will need to decide soon. Thank you again for your replies everyone

[JudyKayTee]

You need to go back into counselling - you are blaming yourself for HIS actions. A change of scenery may or may not help you. This loss is still very recent and I wouldn't expect you to be "over it" so soon.

You can't stop someone from smoking. You definitely can't stop someone from killing himself.

You need to go back into counselling. If you found it to be patronizing you, find someone else. Maybe a support group will help you.

It's a long road to recovery.

[odinn7]

It's sad that you're going through this over someone like that. You can't blame yourself for this. Saying you pushed him isn't right either.

It's a difficult thing that you're facing but Judy is right, you should go back to counseling... maybe find someone else if you don't like that one.

The bottom line is that you can't blame yourself for the actions of a completely unstable person.

[BrokenUnicorn]

I agree with Odin and judyKaytee here. This is a horrible story and I'm so sorry for all you've been throu. This isn't your fault and he spent his last breath manipulating you. He knew that he'd either live and get what he wanted or die knowing that he would forever haunt you. This is a terrible thing to do to someone and not something you just "get over". This is something only time will begin to heal. You must take this time and begin to grow as a person, take this pain and get what you need from it. There are lessons hidden in all our experiences, it takes reflection and an open mind to realize what that is. Maybe you need to realize what it is about yourself that makes you attracted to a person who is on a self destructive path. Maybe you, yourself are self destructive. Whatever it is, you need to find it. There's nothing that will make you feel better except time and more time. Stay strong, and look for whatever positives you can in this experience. This happened for a reason, it's not your fault, your reaction is all you have control over no matter how much you feel like you don't. Become better because of this, don't let things you have no control over destroy you. The past cannot be changed you can only do what's right for you in this moment. Best of luck.

[lunalue]

My story is similar as yours. I found my boyfriend after he hung himself. Before I left home we got into a fight. He blamed me for killing himself. His last words to me were: Are you with me or not? The coroner didn't want to give me his suicidal note because they thought I would not handle it. When I read it I was thinking "of course i am with you" and I almost killed myself, just to be with him, because of course I was with him, more than I ever were with anyone. If it wasn't for my daughter I wouldn't be here right now. It has been two and a half years and still I can get suicidal thoughts, I can get in a really dark place where nothing else would relief me more than disappear. I miss him terribly. I am so sad that he believed I didn't love him. Our connection was one of a lifetime. I have to remember that whatever I was telling him, he didn't believe it. He had a hole inside of him. I have never been so in love and was giving him everything I had and yet it wasn't enough. He was asking more and more and more and after a while I burnted out. I was so burnted out I had to go hide to get a few hours sleep. He was aware he had mental heath issues but didn't want to get help he wanted to do it together. He became more and more aggressive and unstable. I know now that professionnal help and probably medication should have been involved. I didn't know back then. I did my best with what I knew. You can't blame yourself for what happened. Your boyfriend had serious issues that you couldn't resolve. That is his path in life. You did your best, you can't blame yourself for being upset at him, all relationship have there problems and issues and nasty fights at times and it's not because you fight with someone that you are going to kill yourself, otherwise this whole planet would be dead. What your boyfriend was experiencing needed another level of treatment. It takes time to heal but you will eventually see it differently. Do little steps at the time and stop blaming yourself, if not with you it would happen latter in his life. He was sick. It is easy when we have a physical disease like cancer to see the progression of it because our body start deteriorating and we visually experience the deterioration. But with a mental disease we only experience the mood swings and it is so easy to get in our mind that we could be responsible for the downfall when it was unavoidable. My thoughts are with you.

[Lindsay72]

I know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. You're only 20, and you have so much to look forward to. Don't ever blame yourself, he was never a victim. He was his own worst enemy. People like him, feed off hurting people and themselves.

One very important point I'd like to make, although there isn't any point dwelling over it now. NEVER allow yourself to give up your body to ANYONE, especially at your age. I'm not saying, sex is a bad thing. It is one of the most beautiful ways 2 people can express their love to each other, BUT there is a time and place for it to happen. I'm not a Muslim, but I have been living in a Muslim country for many years and I'm fully aware of your culture, morals and values. But that's partly besides the point, you learn more about sex and men as time goes by. This chap, knew you were his first so that had probably given him even more reason to mentally torture you.

You will find the right person. A MAN and NOT A BOY. But, in time. Someone who loves you, respects you, guides you, someone who will cry with you.. not make you cry because of him. There are are so many ways to get help. You def. need someone close to you to tell you that whatever happened is not your fault, but more importantly you need to tell yourself that. Write down the good times you had with him and the bad times. See which out-weighs the other. Most of the times, it's usually the bad. Keep your counselling sessions on the go, you will need it.

I wish you all the very best and to find strength within yourself. If at all you believe in God, then you could pray. That's what many of us do when we don't have any more answers left. Love, Peace and Harmony.

For those who have sorrows, always look back.
For those who have worries, always look around.
For those who have faith, always look up and within themselves.

[DoveBirds]

Forgive yourself!