[RookCrook]

I'm married to a United States citizen for 5 years and I've been residing in the United States for 3 years since October 2008. We have no jobs and my husband never got a job since he brought me here for 3 years.

We live in a house with his family, and we are supported by his uncle. I feel embarrassed that we, as a married couple, should be having jobs and a place that we should be renting. I don't want us to leech money off the family and be losers. His uncle has many things to worry about and I believe we're adding to the pressure on him.

My husband is 31 years old now with an associates and I am 29 weeks pregnant. In the house we live in a schitzophrenic uncle lives with us, and I don't trust being around him especially since I will be having a baby in April. They told me he won't do anything bad, but I don't want to take the risks. Who knows what a schitzophrenic will do? I barely get out of the room because I want to avoid him as much as I can, and I can imagine how this will be difficult with a baby. He had some outbursts and fought with my husband for using the microwave and stove and told us to get out of the house.

I go to college, but I can't work because I'm pregnant and a permanent resident. Before I got pregnant I tried applying for a job in many different places but still have no luck. (I am eligble to file the Application for Naturalization now but it will take a while to get my citizenship). I want my husband to get a job so we can rent a place before my daughter is born in April. I tried to tell him to go back to continuing his education at a university, but he insisted on getting a job first before going back to university. He's been saying this before I got pregnant too. Whenever I remind him to go and look for a job or research what he can be with an Associates he just says OK and forgets about it. Whenever he's free he plays video games on the computer. It's as my words don't matter, he never listens and I feel like I am being whiny and annoying. So what do I do then? Just keep us living like this? Am I wrong? I did make some mistakes, I should have went to college right away when I first came here, even as an out-of-state student instead of slacking off.

I don't know what to do, I'm very stressed out and depressed and I don't have the appetite to eat. I'm crying as I am typing this. I feel useless, I have a social phobia and probably Avoidant Personality Disorder, I've never had a job in my life before and I lack the intelligence and knowledge to do something right. I can't go live with my mother and father because they live far over seas in a country in turmoil, it's not safe there at all. I wish we could get out of this house, I don't feel safe around the schizo or comfortable and we have no money to move, my husband won't listen to me, and no one encourages him to do anything.

I'm sorry for wasting space here and complaining.

[JudyKayTee]

There is no way you don't have the intelligence and knowledge to find a good job - I'm impressed by what you wrote here, how you expressed yourself. You are being hard on yourself, and maybe that is just because you are sad or depressed and definitely under a lot of pressure.

He's your husband and (supposedly) you discuss problems in your marriage. It looks to me like you discuss problems and he doesn't hear you. I don't know how to get beyond that when we both know you can't make threats to get his attention because where are you to go?

The Uncle (if his illness is not controlled) frightens me. I don't know what you can other than express your fears/concerns to your husband. If you feel the situation is dangerous, then you need to find a place to go to protect your baby. Perhaps a Clergyperson, Church group, local organization. I am not suggesting a homeless shelter (although that is a possibility) but, instead, someone who will take you in, assist you. Obviously you must protect the child.

Would it be possible for your parents or other family members to help you financially? I know they are in a bad place right now (as you said) but perhaps that's a suggestion.

If you can do it the solution very well may be to keep working on your degree, look forward to graduating, hold that dream in your heart, finish college, get a job - and then you are able to support yourself (and your baby, if you have to).

Don't apologize - my husband passed away several years ago and the people on AMHD are the people who helped me through it. I'm sure my unhappiness and unset were very apparent - but everyone stuck by. We are all "sisters" under the skin. If you don't have other women to support you, who do you have?

I'd look at this situation from every angle - if you need to ask for help, then that is what you need to do.

And, again, don't put yourself down. US citizens, born "here," post with misspellings and "what does he/she mean" all the time because they don't make sense. You do.

I hope I've been somewhat helpful to you. I do sympathize with what you're going through.

[RookCrook]

Hello JudyKayTee,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, it helped me feel better reading your message.

My husband told me that his schizophrenic uncle never hurt anybody and he highly doubts any aggressive behavior from him. It seems that I really have no choice, I'm just going to have to wait. I'll try the work-study program at my college.

My parents used to help me financially before, but the situation is difficult now as my parents are retired and my father is diabetic. I'd feel awkward and selfish to ask for help from them.

I mute myself from speaking out a lot of times. I know that many people are in a worse situation than mine. While the schizophrenic uncle didn't do anything terribly dangerous (yet), I still fear what might happen. I will try the places you suggested if my husband will even let me.

I appreciate your help giving me advice, your sympathy and the motivation to finish my degree. I am very sorry about your husband, it's the most terrible feeling to lose a loved one.  It is nice to see that some people are willing to make you feel better and help you out. I hope everything is getting better for you.

[Fr_Chuck]

It is no shame to get help, but again your husband needs to be out looking for work every day, any job, no matter what, fast foods, service stations, lawn services, car washes.

There are jobs but they are harder to find. So in the morning, he needs to be out of the house by 9 am and out looking for a job.