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afisherofmen · Feb 16, 2007, 07:54 AM

Hello everyone,

I don't really have a question I'm just looking for advice on what I should do.
I met this man at the Beginning of the year and I instantly was infatuated by him. We were apart of the same group of friends so naturally we would hang out a lot. One day we exchanged phone numbers, from then on he started calling me every night, and soon I fell deeply in love with him. There was only one catch, he had a girlfriend (a long distance relationship). Well things progressed, and we kept talking and occasionally hanging out as friends and then he broke up with her. A few weeks following I couldn't hold it in anymore and told him how I felt, and that ended that for a while. He broke contact and he didn't speak with me for a while, it really hurt me.
Almost directly afterwards another guy started to show an extreme interest in me, and I being slightly on the rebound went to him gladly. After about a month, I heard that the one I love also had gotten another girlfriend. So we were both with different people. Then he started calling me again, he said he was so sorry for hurting me, he was just so confused about everything and he didn't know how he really felt. So we started being close friends again, well about a week passed and he came out and told me how he felt. He told me he liked me and that he's liked me the whole time (about a year now) and that its just been really bad timing. He then started talking about how were going to get together, I was extremely happy. I broke up with my boyfriend (for completely different reasons, it was an unhealty relationship) but he didn't break up with his, even though they never see each other, he said that he couldn't hurt her like that, and all the while he's hurting me more and more. I feel so betrayed and used, but how can I feel betrayed when he was never really mine in the first place.

I can't forget about him, I love him more than I know how to say. I've tried moving on and that didn't work, it just made me depressed. So I guess I'm wondering what he's really thinking about all of this, what he's thinking about me, and what I should do. This depression he's put me in has already made me do unhealthy things.

Worriedaboutlewis · Feb 16, 2007, 08:24 AM

No other person can make you depressed - you allow that to happen - I am afraid you will have to move on and forget about him -

confused_guy · Feb 16, 2007, 02:29 PM

Do you think you can ever really trust him if he has basically attempted to cheat with you while dating two different girls? People generally want what they can't have (I am sort of dealing with this in a different way right now).

If you are doing unhealthy things to yourself you should certainly look into talking with a counsellor or something. This guy isn't showing you enough appreciation anyhow if he likes you so much. Not to mention what he's doing to his current girlfriend. Seems he wants it every which way, and you appear to be giving him just what he wants.

Maybe if you cut off some of your attention towards him (he's probably loving it) he'll realize what he's missing. If not, at least you may get more of a clear view of the person you are in love with/infatuated with.

valinors_sorrow · Feb 16, 2007, 02:59 PM

While we often become wounded at the hands of another, sometimes we continue where they left off. Not good. That's me doing it to myself. When I got stuck like I hear you being stuck, I sought help from a counselor. It worked and I only wish more people would do it since it would end a lot of unnecessary suffering. Those who hurt us are very often people who, when they were wounded by someone, didn't seek help and turned into that instead. Don't risk that. If you are hurting yourself in some way over this, you are half way there since you are hurting a person who doesn't deserve it. Its not such a big step to next be hurting someone else and becoming just like him. Seek help.

Allheart · Feb 16, 2007, 03:09 PM

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

While we often become wounded at the hands of another, sometimes we continue where they left off. Not good.

Sorry Val, had to spread it... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The statement made above, by Val, is so true. If only we all would just realize it. So very hard to see it while you are going through it, but nevertheless, so very true.

afisherofmen · Feb 16, 2007, 11:57 PM

No that's the one thing I worry about for if we were to ever get together, him doing this to me with another girl. As for what you said about cutting contact, I did. I stopped being the one to call him, so... a couple nights ago he called me three times trying to get ahold of me (my cell was dead), then last night he didn't call me at all, and I don't think he will tonight. Idk it really hurts me a lot, I'm trying to move on but every new guy I try to let in I just end up comparing to him and they all fall excedingly short. Its sad I've come to the conclusion in my head that men are incapable of falling in love. I know its sad and untrue I know a few guys who are truly in love, but I just can't convince myself.

Allheart · Feb 17, 2007, 02:19 AM

Hi afisher.

I have some good news for you. You may not right now think it is good news, but you soon will. The reason why you are unable to meet someone right now, have a healthy relationship and fall truly in love, is quite frankly, it is really the last thing you should be doing now. So what's the good news? The good news is that YES it is possible and YES it will happen for you, but it should not in no way happen for you now.

You need time. You need to heal. You need to ask yourself why were you able to fall for someone so hard that could hurt you so much. It should be all about YOU right now.

You have an open wound, that has got to close before you invite anyone else into your heart.

Be happy about this time. It's healthy. The great thing about taking some "me" time is, you know you can be honest with yourself, you know you will truly listen to your own thoughts, and you know you can do all of this freely without being hurt, judged or misunderstood.

Your heart will heal but you have to give it a chance.

talaniman · Feb 17, 2007, 06:42 AM

You surely have been squeezing in a lot of stuff since the first of the year, no wonder things are so unhealthy. As Allheart has said you need time to heal and get over the effect of all the stuff you've been through in so short a time. Leave the guys alone and get your own life without them and learn to be happy with yourself and the things you want in your life, that you enjoy. Take all the time you need and get the help you need.

toronto guy · Feb 17, 2007, 10:47 AM

Originally Posted by afisherofmen

Hello everyone,

I dont really have a question im just looking for advice on what I should do.
I met this man at the Beggining of the year and I instantly was infatuated by him. We were apart of the same group of friends so naturally we would hang out alot. One day we exchanged phone numbers, from then on he started calling me everynight, and soon I fell deeply in love with him. There was only one catch, he had a girlfriend (a long distance relationship). Well things progressed, and we kept talking and occasionally hanging out as friends and then he broke up with her. A few weeks following I couldn't hold it in anymore and told him how I felt, and that ended that for a while. He broke contact and he didn't speak with me for a while, it really hurt me.
Almost directly afterwards another guy started to show an extreme interest in me, and I being slightly on the rebound went to him gladly. After about a month, I heard that the one I love also had gotten another girlfriend. So we were both with different people. Then he started calling me again, he said he was so sorry for hurting me, he was just so confused about everything and he didn't know how he really felt. So we started being close friends again, well about a week passed and he came out and told me how he felt. He told me he liked me and that he's liked me the whole time (about a year now) and that its just been really bad timing. He then started talking about how were going to get together, I was extremely happy. I broke up with my boyfriend (for completely different reasons, it was an unhealty relationship) but he didn't break up with his, even though they never see each other, he said that he couldn't hurt her like that, and all the while he's hurting me more and more. I feel so betrayed and used, but how can I feel betrayed when he was never really mine in the first place.

I can't forget about him, I love him more than I know how to say. I've tried moving on and that didn't work, it just made me depressed. So I guess I'm wondering what he's really thinking about all of this, what he's thinking about me, and what I should do. This depression he's put me in has already made me do unhealthy things.

I have to say is move on. HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU. I realized that if they cheat once they will cheat again. You know he is cheating on his current and past girlfriend. They will be totally destroyed. At least you can avoid having it happen to you and taking part in his bad choices.

afisherofmen · Feb 17, 2007, 11:35 AM

Thank you everyone, I appreciate it

valinors_sorrow · Feb 17, 2007, 11:55 AM

Originally Posted by afisherofmen

thank you everyone, I appreciate it

You... are welcome!

I like what you listed on your signature:

You said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
when the burden seems too much to bear
remember the end will justify
the pain it took to get us there

Just remember its up to each of us to make sure "the end will justify the pain it took to get us there". Those who fail at doing that settle for being bitter and holding on to their wrong ideas with the notion that its better to be wrong than to be at risk for being hurt again, strangely enough. Don't become one of them. Bad news they are! Heal the hurt to become stronger in order to better afford the next risk with a wiser heart.

talaniman · Feb 17, 2007, 12:01 PM

Just remember its up to each of us to make sure "the end will justify the pain it took to get us there". Those who fail at doing that settle for being bitter and holding on to their wrong ideas with the notion that its better to be wrong than to be at risk for being hurt again, strangely enough. Don't become one of them. Bad news they are! Heal the hurt to become stronger in order to better afford the next risk with a wiser heart.
__________________

Now these are words to live by.